There is one problem I have with the philosophy of The Secret and books like it. And actually my resistance is to a book called The Law of Attraction by Esther and Jerry Hicks. About the book-A couple learns that the wife(Esther) is a transmitter to the spiritual realm. The spirit beings call themselves Abraham. Abraham describres itself as a group of non-physical beings who are communicating through Esther to teach. They explain that all humans are non-physical beings who chose to experience the physical. They also explain that humans have the power to create their own experience with thought. The Law of Attraction, as described in The Secret and a few other books, say that like attracts like. Since thoughts are vibrations, whatever we think we attract. So if we are thinking about always being in debt, or that we can't lose weight, or that we hate terrorists, or are hated because we're gay-then we attract the debt, obesity, disgusting people, and prejudice. So if we tweak our thoughts to abundance, or being slim, or being liked than we attract those things. Its basically thinking and feeling positively instead of negatively. My resistance to it is that it seems to ignore the Divine-the Divine being an energy or god or whatever you want to call it that is higher and seperate than self and its antithesis evil or satan or again whatever you want to call it.
To understand my struggle you have to understand my upbringing, my instincts, and my current beliefs. I was raised protestant Christian. Christians follow the rules they are taught, barely tolerate who they're told to barely tolerate, and preach that humans need to believe in Jesus Christ and jesus christ alone before their souls can enter heaven. Sure they can be bad while alive but they won't get as many rewards in heaven. Those who don't believe in God and his son Jesus will go to hell even if they are the kindest people alive. All others who believe something different will go to hell even if they've never heard of God and Jesus. That's why there are missionaries to spread the word of God. There are some admirable rules to christianity (i'm paraphrasing here) such as love others as you would like to be loved, don't throw stones at supposed sinners because you're just as bad, don't be so prideful that you believe you're better than others, women aren't as good as men-oh wait, that's not such a good one. Anyway there are some good words and some not so good words and then some just horrible words. And people read the Bible and take things out of context and take it too literally or too metaphorically and their interpretations become whole denominations. And its all based on a Bible that was written thousnads of years ago over a span of hundreds of years by men who claimed to be hearing the voice of God. It was then copied and recopied til there were bound to be mistakes, with whole books and whole passeges left out of some Bibles for various reasons. But many if not most christians don't even have spiritual connection to what they believe in. They believe it because its been pounded into them by parents, family, churches, governments, and even Charile Brown's Christmas and other media. And so it was punded into me. However I was always really connected to spirit. So I began to see the Bible and religions for what they were. As explained above. There are some good points and some bad points but they all have some form of the Golden Rule-treat others as you want to be treated. And so I've tried to make that my number one rule. Then I heard of The Secret and its Law of Attraction.
The Law of Attraction makes sense. I've seen it in my own life. I believe I can create my own happiness. I can attract what I want to me no matter what it is. ( It's a little hard for me to wrap my head around how a child can create their own existance-I have to read more to understand what they say about that. But that's not what I want to talk about right now.)What I am having the hardest time with is what the aforementioned Abraham says about evil. Being raised a christian I also learned that the devil is tricky creature. He can make others turn form God. He can get in your head and lure you to hate, kill, curse, do drugs, and all sorts of wicked wicked things. But the really tricky thing the devil can do is make you feel like a god. And the Law of Attraction and Abraham do just that. They even go so far as to say that evil doesn't exist-evil is just the unwanted being attracted to what we dont' want. What better way to get us to turn away from the one true God than make us believe we are all Gods who can control our own worlds. But here is the thing-all that about the devil and evil was pounded into me starting at an early age. And it was teaching based on a Bible that-well I don't have to go into it again what I think about the Bible. So if I go by what I believe than I should pay no attention to what I've been taught about the devil and his evil ways. Because even as a christian, I believed that just as dark is the absence of light not the opposite of it, so evil is the absence of good not the opposite of it- and that is just a fancy way of saying that evil is actually just the unwanted that we create for ourselves by attracting through our not wanting it. And then there is my instinct. I can't help feeling there is something bigger than me-a little more divine. But maybe that's becuase my physical self is not understanding, not knowing, my non-physical self. That makes sense too. So really it comes up to which am I going to choose. Or can I combine the two and live in harmony with both? Can I believe that there is a God and that we are also all in essence Gods who can create our own physical existance? Do I continue to not fear going to hell if I believe this way? Even the Bible talks about us being all parts of God-so maybe like with every other religion I've studied, its all the same, just different words used and different people interpreting the words, and focusing on which words they want to make into law.
So there I've sorted it out in my head and on screen for all to read and follow -or get horribly lost.
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
Mexico
Since people have asked: Mexico was dreamy We stayed at an all inclusive resort. Meaning room, food, drinks, and airfare were all included in the price. Wich was very reasonable. The resort had 3 or 4 seperate hotels each with there own huge buffet, gourmet restaurants, bar with live music every night, pools, theater with live entertainment, snack bar, and kid's club. It was on the Riveria Maya-an hour or so south of Cancun on the Carribean sea. The buildings were all very open-nearly wall less. Our third floor room had a postcard view of the beach. Geckos and Iguanas sunbathed wild( I can't say ran wild because they didn't do much running-unless one of the cats with unusually long tails or an adeline tried to chase it).
Justin decided we should all go on his return from Iraq. A little family vacation. Josh's parents, sister, two brothers and a girlfriend, (and adeline and me). Others were invited of course but that's who went. I think that's a great way for us all to spend time together as a whole.
The weather was comfortable-sometimes breezy-sometimes cloudy but still warm. It was humid but not stale. I have a completely wrong haircut for the humidity-it always looked pretty bad unless it was in a bandana-but I didn't care too much. It did get a little chilly at night but still tolerable even with tank tops and flip flops.
The food was great. It was very easy to eat healthy(or not if you so chose). Fruit and bread were always available for snacking on. A mariachi band weaved through the tables at dinner time. I ate lots of fresh guacamole and chips and drank watermelon water. Adeline had mostly pastas and meats. Josh got food poisoning and was laid up for a day. He has a very sensitive stomach and eating buffet every meal combined with a nasty flaming tequila shot made for very good odds of him getting sick.
We snorkeled, splashed in the ocean, played in the pools, and walked along the beach. Adeline is a mermaid. She could spend all day in the pool. But I didn't want to sit by a pool-which we could do anywhere. So we compromised. In the morning we could do the pool thing and after lunch we could hang out by or in the ocean. I even sunbathed topless.
We shopped a little for typical mexican tourist stuff. We sat around and read, rested, chatted, drank fruity drinks, or watched people. At night Adeline loved to dance to the band. By bedtime we were always exhausted. We only stayed up late enough to see one live show. It was the circus one-like cirque de sol-whatever. It was impressive.
One day we vistited an ancient Mayan city called Tulum. It was the sunniest hottest day. The beach there was the most beautiful beach I've ever seen.
We didn't take many pictures. I looked horrible in all the pictures I was in. I think because I so wanted to be pregnant by the time we got there that I did in fact look pregnant in every picture. Part of that whole law of attraction thing. We got some great shots of the beach though. And josh made a little movie of Adeline dancing. She also took some pictures. There's a great one of a dead gecko on the lobby floor as well as some lovely potted plants.
Customs was easy. Air travel was fine. The language barrier wasn't that big of deal. I recomend it for anyone looking for a warm, relaxing, and nearly hassle free get a way.
Justin decided we should all go on his return from Iraq. A little family vacation. Josh's parents, sister, two brothers and a girlfriend, (and adeline and me). Others were invited of course but that's who went. I think that's a great way for us all to spend time together as a whole.
The weather was comfortable-sometimes breezy-sometimes cloudy but still warm. It was humid but not stale. I have a completely wrong haircut for the humidity-it always looked pretty bad unless it was in a bandana-but I didn't care too much. It did get a little chilly at night but still tolerable even with tank tops and flip flops.
The food was great. It was very easy to eat healthy(or not if you so chose). Fruit and bread were always available for snacking on. A mariachi band weaved through the tables at dinner time. I ate lots of fresh guacamole and chips and drank watermelon water. Adeline had mostly pastas and meats. Josh got food poisoning and was laid up for a day. He has a very sensitive stomach and eating buffet every meal combined with a nasty flaming tequila shot made for very good odds of him getting sick.
We snorkeled, splashed in the ocean, played in the pools, and walked along the beach. Adeline is a mermaid. She could spend all day in the pool. But I didn't want to sit by a pool-which we could do anywhere. So we compromised. In the morning we could do the pool thing and after lunch we could hang out by or in the ocean. I even sunbathed topless.
We shopped a little for typical mexican tourist stuff. We sat around and read, rested, chatted, drank fruity drinks, or watched people. At night Adeline loved to dance to the band. By bedtime we were always exhausted. We only stayed up late enough to see one live show. It was the circus one-like cirque de sol-whatever. It was impressive.
One day we vistited an ancient Mayan city called Tulum. It was the sunniest hottest day. The beach there was the most beautiful beach I've ever seen.
We didn't take many pictures. I looked horrible in all the pictures I was in. I think because I so wanted to be pregnant by the time we got there that I did in fact look pregnant in every picture. Part of that whole law of attraction thing. We got some great shots of the beach though. And josh made a little movie of Adeline dancing. She also took some pictures. There's a great one of a dead gecko on the lobby floor as well as some lovely potted plants.
Customs was easy. Air travel was fine. The language barrier wasn't that big of deal. I recomend it for anyone looking for a warm, relaxing, and nearly hassle free get a way.
Thursday, November 30, 2006
thoughts in progress-the power of the mind
My mind is in a good place. Having watched The Secret (http://www.thesecret.tv/) I'm more committed than ever to keep it there. Thoughts are manifest. It's a real "well-duh" moment when watching the movie.
I don't like being depressed-or angry, negative, or hopeless.It doesn't accomplish anything. Life is too short to exist there. So its simple really. Exist in the happy. Not that I'm a giggling little cartoon elf with no concept of the complexities of the world. I still acknowledge the bad. But I don't stay there. I don't think in terms of fighting what's bad but rather living for the good. Changing the world-my world-on a very basic level.
I was listening to John Stewart and Stephen Colbert while cleaning today. I realized why I don't watch "real" news. CNN, FoxNews, Local News- It puts the minds of its viewers in a bad place. The anchors look depressed, they focus on the bad, and they put a negative spin on everything. The news people and the viewers are staying in that place thus keeping the bad stuff newsworthy. I can get enough of what's going on in the news from John and Stephen. They present real issues and then make us laugh about them. I'm serious. If we keep focusing on the negative of life, the horror of the world, the idiots in the goviernment, the ignorants of America then we make it manifest. I want to look at the issues and come away with a good feeling.
It starts with being grateful. Grateful for the people in my life and for the things I have. Grateful for what I've learned and who I am. Even if I have to search for it. Then instead of thinking about what I don't have or what I want I think instead of everything and everyone that I love and it puts me in a happy place. And I can visulaize myself happy in the future. I can see our family smiling, working in the organic garden in the back of our roomy house, while chickens peck at insects, and the children play. I don't stay in the place where I'm sad because I don't yet have those things. I focus on how happy I feel now and how happy I'll feel when those things come to pass. And I dont' have to stick to selfish visions. I think of my mom, Adeline, Josh and others being happy. I think globally too. Instead of focusing on FIGHTing for equal rights, I imagine the world running peacefully once we all have equal rights.
Peace is created in the mind, one person at a time. It's a choice and its the path I want to follow.
I don't like being depressed-or angry, negative, or hopeless.It doesn't accomplish anything. Life is too short to exist there. So its simple really. Exist in the happy. Not that I'm a giggling little cartoon elf with no concept of the complexities of the world. I still acknowledge the bad. But I don't stay there. I don't think in terms of fighting what's bad but rather living for the good. Changing the world-my world-on a very basic level.
I was listening to John Stewart and Stephen Colbert while cleaning today. I realized why I don't watch "real" news. CNN, FoxNews, Local News- It puts the minds of its viewers in a bad place. The anchors look depressed, they focus on the bad, and they put a negative spin on everything. The news people and the viewers are staying in that place thus keeping the bad stuff newsworthy. I can get enough of what's going on in the news from John and Stephen. They present real issues and then make us laugh about them. I'm serious. If we keep focusing on the negative of life, the horror of the world, the idiots in the goviernment, the ignorants of America then we make it manifest. I want to look at the issues and come away with a good feeling.
It starts with being grateful. Grateful for the people in my life and for the things I have. Grateful for what I've learned and who I am. Even if I have to search for it. Then instead of thinking about what I don't have or what I want I think instead of everything and everyone that I love and it puts me in a happy place. And I can visulaize myself happy in the future. I can see our family smiling, working in the organic garden in the back of our roomy house, while chickens peck at insects, and the children play. I don't stay in the place where I'm sad because I don't yet have those things. I focus on how happy I feel now and how happy I'll feel when those things come to pass. And I dont' have to stick to selfish visions. I think of my mom, Adeline, Josh and others being happy. I think globally too. Instead of focusing on FIGHTing for equal rights, I imagine the world running peacefully once we all have equal rights.
Peace is created in the mind, one person at a time. It's a choice and its the path I want to follow.
holy guacamole
Saturday, November 11, 2006
ole
We're leaving for Mexico soon. Hello freckles and sand in my crack. Can't say I'm exactly swimsuit ready. Doesn't help that I've been pregnant half the past year on and off. I was really hoping to be a few months pregnant by the time we got to the beach. There's just something about a big baby beach belly that I find appealing. At least now I can have drinks with umbrellas in them.
I've never been interested in the all inclusive resort vacation but that's what this is. I'm looking forward to it anyway. We'll get to visit ruins and go kayaking and snorkeling. I can't just sit on a beach-I get terribly bored. I do plan to take some reading and barbies. Well the barbies will be in Adeline's suitcase but I'll still play with them. We can make sand castles and float the barbies in the moat. Then they can go nude sunbathing. I was one of those kids who's "barbies always did it on the first date" as sung by BNL.
After Mexico adeline visits her papa for two weeks. I hope to have lots of nights out. Maybe a joint or two. I'll be driving during turkey day but I've never been much into it anyway. We usually end up going to a Deadwood buffet. They have great stuffing.
We're easen on into veganism, well maybe semi-vegan. I want to have cheese, buffalo, and fish on occasion. And I plan to sometimes eat stuff with dairy in it like pastries or ice cream. It would be near impossible to go out and eat around here on a strict vegan diet.
So, yeah. That's about it for now. Be back in a couple weeks. I'm gonna go pack.
ole
We're leaving for Mexico soon. Hello freckles and sand in my crack. Can't say I'm exactly swimsuit ready. Doesn't help that I've been pregnant half the past year on and off. I was really hoping to be a few months pregnant by the time we got to the beach. There's just something about a big baby beach belly that I find appealing. At least now I can have drinks with umbrellas in them.
I've never been interested in the all inclusive resort vacation but that's what this is. I'm looking forward to it anyway. We'll get to visit ruins and go kayaking and snorkeling. I can't just sit on a beach-I get terribly bored. I do plan to take some reading and barbies. Well the barbies will be in Adeline's suitcase but I'll still play with them. We can make sand castles and float the barbies in the moat. Then they can go nude sunbathing. I was one of those kids who's "barbies always did it on the first date" as sung by BNL.
After Mexico adeline visits her papa for two weeks. I hope to have lots of nights out. Maybe a joint or two. I'll be driving during turkey day but I've never been much into it anyway. We usually end up going to a Deadwood buffet. They have great stuffing.
We're easen on into veganism, well maybe semi-vegan. I want to have cheese, buffalo, and fish on occasion. And I plan to sometimes eat stuff with dairy in it like pastries or ice cream. It would be near impossible to go out and eat around here on a strict vegan diet.
So, yeah. That's about it for now. Be back in a couple weeks. I'm gonna go pack.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
I voted!
Yesterday I voted. I also tuned a couple guitars, got a season ski pass, bought a chai, tea dyed some sheets and made a mummy costume, went trick-or-treating with Josh and Adeline, watched a little bit of Rocky Horror Picture Show, and went to bed. All in all a joyful and eventful day.
Today I deleted a bunch of myspace friends that I don't talk to regularly or that I just don't like. I also did some laundry, hung out with Adeline and helped her clean her room, talked to April a little, played with Ruby, and made some chili. It was kinda a lazy day.
Tomorrow I will get more done and be more mindful.
Today I deleted a bunch of myspace friends that I don't talk to regularly or that I just don't like. I also did some laundry, hung out with Adeline and helped her clean her room, talked to April a little, played with Ruby, and made some chili. It was kinda a lazy day.
Tomorrow I will get more done and be more mindful.
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Just let it go
Yesterday I was so irritated I wanted to drive my car off a cliff. Don't confuse this with suicidal tendancies. It's not something I'd seriously do. I know of others who relate to this feeling (usually women during their period). Its this itch that can't be scratched.
My body hurts. Like the first phase of the flu when all the muscles feel weak and sore-but this is closer to the surface(the fascia). Maybe I'm getting sick, maybe I have fibromyalgia. And then there is my extreme annoyance with disorder. Usually I can look past the books, tools, and half done projects piling up around the house. Usually Adeline's disaster of a room doesn't bother me so much. But it all combined yesterday. It sickened me. So I slept. And that annoyed me too-that I distracted myself with numbness instead of progress. I tried to blame it on the buzzing of my fascia.
That night I told Adeline I couldn't put her to bed because I couldn't stand to go in her room. Then I realized that I wasn't tired from the naps so I started cleaning her room, glaring at her every once in awhile to make a point. The point that I shouldn't have to be doing this-that I already have the rest of the house to clean-that her room should never get to this point. And then I got tired. I asked her if she wanted me to lie with her while she read. She did so I lie there thinking.
I thought of my body aching. I thought of the messes in the house.I thought of the government. I thought how social prgrams could be decreased if the minimum wage was raised to a living wage. I wondered about the pointlessness of keeping gay and domestic parnters from having the rights of married partners. I thought of wars and lies and extremists and hate. I wanted to blame Bush and the other stupids in government. I wanted to blame the ignorant americans for not seeing other sides of the issues. I wanted to blame the religions for pushing their beliefs on others. I wanted to blame the illness that was descending on my body. I wanted to blame.
Then I looked at Adeline who was finished reading and now resting on her pillow. And I let it all go. I thanked her for being my daughter. I told her I'm glad her soul chose that body to live in. I told that I was cranky for awhile but I didn't need to be because cleaning her room isn't so bad when it means that I can have a path to her bed to lie with her at night. I told her I was happy to be able to cuddle with her.
I don't need to be irratable. I can see the faults but I shouldn't get worked up over them. I shouldn't let them get to me. They are not going to change by me holding onto anger and frustration.Doing that only makes me miserable and those around me miserable to. I can be happy having such enriching friendships. I can be happy having a complete partner in Josh. I can be happy guiding Adeline into being a good person. I can be happy with who I am.
Life is too short not to just love. Live by example. Change the world by loving yourself and loving others. It's not lame. It works. I can only appreciate the world if first I learn to appreciate my world. I can't hold onto the anger, frustration, wanting, and control. Those will not define me. I won't waste my time holding on to the negative when I can exist in peace with my friends and family. I will let it go.
My body hurts. Like the first phase of the flu when all the muscles feel weak and sore-but this is closer to the surface(the fascia). Maybe I'm getting sick, maybe I have fibromyalgia. And then there is my extreme annoyance with disorder. Usually I can look past the books, tools, and half done projects piling up around the house. Usually Adeline's disaster of a room doesn't bother me so much. But it all combined yesterday. It sickened me. So I slept. And that annoyed me too-that I distracted myself with numbness instead of progress. I tried to blame it on the buzzing of my fascia.
That night I told Adeline I couldn't put her to bed because I couldn't stand to go in her room. Then I realized that I wasn't tired from the naps so I started cleaning her room, glaring at her every once in awhile to make a point. The point that I shouldn't have to be doing this-that I already have the rest of the house to clean-that her room should never get to this point. And then I got tired. I asked her if she wanted me to lie with her while she read. She did so I lie there thinking.
I thought of my body aching. I thought of the messes in the house.I thought of the government. I thought how social prgrams could be decreased if the minimum wage was raised to a living wage. I wondered about the pointlessness of keeping gay and domestic parnters from having the rights of married partners. I thought of wars and lies and extremists and hate. I wanted to blame Bush and the other stupids in government. I wanted to blame the ignorant americans for not seeing other sides of the issues. I wanted to blame the religions for pushing their beliefs on others. I wanted to blame the illness that was descending on my body. I wanted to blame.
Then I looked at Adeline who was finished reading and now resting on her pillow. And I let it all go. I thanked her for being my daughter. I told her I'm glad her soul chose that body to live in. I told that I was cranky for awhile but I didn't need to be because cleaning her room isn't so bad when it means that I can have a path to her bed to lie with her at night. I told her I was happy to be able to cuddle with her.
I don't need to be irratable. I can see the faults but I shouldn't get worked up over them. I shouldn't let them get to me. They are not going to change by me holding onto anger and frustration.Doing that only makes me miserable and those around me miserable to. I can be happy having such enriching friendships. I can be happy having a complete partner in Josh. I can be happy guiding Adeline into being a good person. I can be happy with who I am.
Life is too short not to just love. Live by example. Change the world by loving yourself and loving others. It's not lame. It works. I can only appreciate the world if first I learn to appreciate my world. I can't hold onto the anger, frustration, wanting, and control. Those will not define me. I won't waste my time holding on to the negative when I can exist in peace with my friends and family. I will let it go.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
Go get your own blog
Someone commented on my Life and Liberty blog about abortion. It was a negative comment despite my request at the end of it that people not agreeing with me need to complain about it in their own blog. I didn't even read it all-just sort of skimmed enough to see that it was indeed posted in debate. Something about me not being informed enough, prochoicers being full of hate, and and some heartfelt stories about poeple who'd had abortions and were sad about it. I didn't publish her comment-I'm not going to allow that kind of attack to be piggy backed on my blog. MY Blog. For me. For my friends and those who wish to know me as a friend to read what goes on in my head and my life.
Anyone who thinks I'm uninformed doesn't know me very well. Which is why I rarely engage them or allow them to even bother me. I find it funny that people believing one thing think people thinking something else are uniformed. Its laughable in a sad sort of way.
She missed the whole point. Well except for the part where I don't think the rally goers spread love. She felt love from them. Well duh, she is like them. She will get their love. Me always being different than them rarely ever felt their love.
This all adds to my previous blog about extremism-how I refuse to be an extremist. I've never asked anyone to believe abortion is the right thing. And in most cases its not. The ideal thing would be to educate people about sex, how to avoid pregnancy and disease, encourage people to wait til they're responsible, and provide low cost or free birth control. But in some cases abortion is neceasry or better for everyone involved-even the child that could have been. There may have been a couple women at the rally who regretted their decison to abort. But I too know people who didn't regret it-even ones who got pregnant through rape or incest.
The lady also said something about prochoicers not allowing the person getting an abortion to grieve and find closure. That they spread hate.First of all how can another person stop you from grieving-that's all on you-take some responsibility. And if someone chooses to have an abortion of course she will grieve-if not because of the lost child, then because all those pregnancy hormones will be surging out of her. I've had enough miscarriages to know that. You can't make assumptions based on wether a person is prochoice or prolife. Just because prochioicers believe they are not killing a human life doesn't mean they hate all life. Just because some parents force their daughters to get an abortion doesn't mean they don't love her. Just because militant pro-lifers bomb clinics doesn't mean they're going to heaven(or hell). People make bad choices. People make good choices. Some people don't get a choice. But those choices, or lack of, don't define their entire being.
And finally I'm not pro-abortion. But I do see the necessity of it sometimes. And I do believe it should be a choice for the woman. Yes I do wonder is it killing a human. But until I know for sure when a soul is introduced into a mass of cells than I'm going to remain steady in my belief that first tri-mester abortion should be allowable and at the discretion of the woman. So, Sydnie, no amount of debating, passion on your part, or stories will make me change my mind. If you pray to God to change me, realize we pray to the same God. If I'm to be changed, it's not going to be in the likeness of you.
Anyone who thinks I'm uninformed doesn't know me very well. Which is why I rarely engage them or allow them to even bother me. I find it funny that people believing one thing think people thinking something else are uniformed. Its laughable in a sad sort of way.
She missed the whole point. Well except for the part where I don't think the rally goers spread love. She felt love from them. Well duh, she is like them. She will get their love. Me always being different than them rarely ever felt their love.
This all adds to my previous blog about extremism-how I refuse to be an extremist. I've never asked anyone to believe abortion is the right thing. And in most cases its not. The ideal thing would be to educate people about sex, how to avoid pregnancy and disease, encourage people to wait til they're responsible, and provide low cost or free birth control. But in some cases abortion is neceasry or better for everyone involved-even the child that could have been. There may have been a couple women at the rally who regretted their decison to abort. But I too know people who didn't regret it-even ones who got pregnant through rape or incest.
The lady also said something about prochoicers not allowing the person getting an abortion to grieve and find closure. That they spread hate.First of all how can another person stop you from grieving-that's all on you-take some responsibility. And if someone chooses to have an abortion of course she will grieve-if not because of the lost child, then because all those pregnancy hormones will be surging out of her. I've had enough miscarriages to know that. You can't make assumptions based on wether a person is prochoice or prolife. Just because prochioicers believe they are not killing a human life doesn't mean they hate all life. Just because some parents force their daughters to get an abortion doesn't mean they don't love her. Just because militant pro-lifers bomb clinics doesn't mean they're going to heaven(or hell). People make bad choices. People make good choices. Some people don't get a choice. But those choices, or lack of, don't define their entire being.
And finally I'm not pro-abortion. But I do see the necessity of it sometimes. And I do believe it should be a choice for the woman. Yes I do wonder is it killing a human. But until I know for sure when a soul is introduced into a mass of cells than I'm going to remain steady in my belief that first tri-mester abortion should be allowable and at the discretion of the woman. So, Sydnie, no amount of debating, passion on your part, or stories will make me change my mind. If you pray to God to change me, realize we pray to the same God. If I'm to be changed, it's not going to be in the likeness of you.
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Burn your bras, not your aprons
I don't know if it comes with age, soul searching, or if its an inherent understanding but I've realized that equality isn't going to be won through extremism. The world shouldn't be looked at as black and white, left and right, conservative and liberal. When we spend so much time on one side we never see, never understand the other side. I didn't say agree with, but understand it. There are very few if any absolutes in life. Its all a matter of perspective. All we ever hear about is the extremism in politics and religion. But there is a whole world full of people who just want life, liberty, and love.
I'm tired of the people who insist everyone should live life to extremes. Take for example feminsim. There are those who think a woman is wasting her potential being a homemaker. What these naysayers dont' realize is that a homemaker is not confined to the walls of her house and her garden. She can be a leader, a volunteer, even an activist all while being domestic.
But even the act of raising kids, cleaning her home, and cooking a meal can be a form of activism. Frankly I'd rather spend the night curled up with my child and my partner than researching debate pointers.
I'm not saying extremists doen't have its place. They've helped advance the world. (they've also helped stagnate even reverse advancement-see current usa gov't) But not everyone should be exptected to live the life of an extremist. I purport that I'm contributing just as much to advancement by standing on the sidelines with the rest of the soccer moms as I would be standing on the street protesting the idiot house bill of the day. Instead of spending my energy on activism I'd rather spend it on raising my kids to think with open minds. I'd rather hang out with my friends and be safe in their community. I'd rather volunteer for causes close to me. I'd rather read a book that makes me cry, or laugh, or learn. I'd rather make my home comfortable, sustainable, green, and artistically beautiful for me and my family. I'd rather spend my money on earth friendly and organic products and food. I'd rather meet interesting people doing all of the above whom I can influence and learn from. Instead of being angry and fighting the opposite extreme I can be happy and implement change through my own peace.
And being a parent, wether its a stay-at-home-parent or one who involves yourself in your childs life while working outside the home, is the ultimate form of activism. (I'm not talking about those who sit at home watching day time tv all day, or those who ship their kids off to school without taking an interest in their child's learning.) A child learns from those who truely love what they do. They are incredibly observant. The world is only going to find peace if each generation learns from those who live a loving peaceful life.
I'm going to go cuddle up with my kid now, help her practice her math and read Girls Who Looked Under Rocks, then maybe we'll cook up an organic meal and clean up our mess with environmentally friendly cleanser.
I'm tired of the people who insist everyone should live life to extremes. Take for example feminsim. There are those who think a woman is wasting her potential being a homemaker. What these naysayers dont' realize is that a homemaker is not confined to the walls of her house and her garden. She can be a leader, a volunteer, even an activist all while being domestic.
But even the act of raising kids, cleaning her home, and cooking a meal can be a form of activism. Frankly I'd rather spend the night curled up with my child and my partner than researching debate pointers.
I'm not saying extremists doen't have its place. They've helped advance the world. (they've also helped stagnate even reverse advancement-see current usa gov't) But not everyone should be exptected to live the life of an extremist. I purport that I'm contributing just as much to advancement by standing on the sidelines with the rest of the soccer moms as I would be standing on the street protesting the idiot house bill of the day. Instead of spending my energy on activism I'd rather spend it on raising my kids to think with open minds. I'd rather hang out with my friends and be safe in their community. I'd rather volunteer for causes close to me. I'd rather read a book that makes me cry, or laugh, or learn. I'd rather make my home comfortable, sustainable, green, and artistically beautiful for me and my family. I'd rather spend my money on earth friendly and organic products and food. I'd rather meet interesting people doing all of the above whom I can influence and learn from. Instead of being angry and fighting the opposite extreme I can be happy and implement change through my own peace.
And being a parent, wether its a stay-at-home-parent or one who involves yourself in your childs life while working outside the home, is the ultimate form of activism. (I'm not talking about those who sit at home watching day time tv all day, or those who ship their kids off to school without taking an interest in their child's learning.) A child learns from those who truely love what they do. They are incredibly observant. The world is only going to find peace if each generation learns from those who live a loving peaceful life.
I'm going to go cuddle up with my kid now, help her practice her math and read Girls Who Looked Under Rocks, then maybe we'll cook up an organic meal and clean up our mess with environmentally friendly cleanser.
Monday, September 11, 2006
nine eleven
Today is somewhat significant.
Five years ago-
Its the day the towers fell and people died and familys mourned and a nation woke up even if only for a minute. It's the day I wondered:What is going on in the world? What did America do that would motivate a group to terrorize? Why don't I know? Who's not telling the whole story?
On that day I thought of those things but I also thought: What about Troy.? It is his birthday. What of the other birthdays, the babies born, the anniversaries of happy occasions? What about the people who saved that date on their calanders to celebrate, to debut, to go to a game, to dance with friends? Why do we have to call it 9/11?
But today for me-
For a few months I've been seeing 11 all the time. Usually in digital form. Usually with a 9 or 7 before it(but not always). 7:11 if I were to convert it in date form, 7/11, has already passed. Its the day I took adeline to visit her papa. Today is 9/11. I don't know what's especially special about today other than terrorists picked this day five years ago to attack. And of course there are the afore mentioned celebrations. And a sickly bird that's been coming each morning to our doorstep to feed on the seeds we put on the ground for it has finally died. I am ovulating this week-possibley today, and I'm trying to get pregnant so who knows, maybe today. It could be the numbers before the eleven are insignificant. Then november-the 11th month-is the key.
Maybe 11 has nothing to do with dates. Numerologically my life path is an 11. Its a Master Vibration number associated with spiritual awareness. Master Vibration people tend to possess an understanding and knowledge beyond others. They're interesting, intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic and cultured. They're visionaires and look for understanding of life's mysteries. Social connections with others are highly developed. They bring much to conversation and are excellent listeners. Elevens's expect much from themselves and others which can make them difficult to deal with-even impractical. They're more dreamers than doers. So maybe the universe is telling me somthing about my life path. That I'm on the right track? That I'm not? That I'm about to be even more so?
And then there is the possibility that 11 means absolutely nothing. Its random. Of course me being who I am can't quite grasp the concept of simple coincidence.
So why is today significant. I may never really understand it. Globally, selfishly, spiritually-it may all remain a mystery. And I'm okay with that.
Five years ago-
Its the day the towers fell and people died and familys mourned and a nation woke up even if only for a minute. It's the day I wondered:What is going on in the world? What did America do that would motivate a group to terrorize? Why don't I know? Who's not telling the whole story?
On that day I thought of those things but I also thought: What about Troy.? It is his birthday. What of the other birthdays, the babies born, the anniversaries of happy occasions? What about the people who saved that date on their calanders to celebrate, to debut, to go to a game, to dance with friends? Why do we have to call it 9/11?
But today for me-
For a few months I've been seeing 11 all the time. Usually in digital form. Usually with a 9 or 7 before it(but not always). 7:11 if I were to convert it in date form, 7/11, has already passed. Its the day I took adeline to visit her papa. Today is 9/11. I don't know what's especially special about today other than terrorists picked this day five years ago to attack. And of course there are the afore mentioned celebrations. And a sickly bird that's been coming each morning to our doorstep to feed on the seeds we put on the ground for it has finally died. I am ovulating this week-possibley today, and I'm trying to get pregnant so who knows, maybe today. It could be the numbers before the eleven are insignificant. Then november-the 11th month-is the key.
Maybe 11 has nothing to do with dates. Numerologically my life path is an 11. Its a Master Vibration number associated with spiritual awareness. Master Vibration people tend to possess an understanding and knowledge beyond others. They're interesting, intuitive, avant-garde, idealistic and cultured. They're visionaires and look for understanding of life's mysteries. Social connections with others are highly developed. They bring much to conversation and are excellent listeners. Elevens's expect much from themselves and others which can make them difficult to deal with-even impractical. They're more dreamers than doers. So maybe the universe is telling me somthing about my life path. That I'm on the right track? That I'm not? That I'm about to be even more so?
And then there is the possibility that 11 means absolutely nothing. Its random. Of course me being who I am can't quite grasp the concept of simple coincidence.
So why is today significant. I may never really understand it. Globally, selfishly, spiritually-it may all remain a mystery. And I'm okay with that.
Tuesday, August 29, 2006
BHHHA drama over a couple of requests
Here's the BHHA(Black Hills Homeschool Associaltion) drama. It's an internet group for posting events and notices and for support, ideas, and such. The group is supposed to be all inclusive and non religous.The (>) indicates me talking to you.
>this was posted to the group
From: KaySubject: [BHHA] A neat way to pray for our kidsFrom Psalm 12:7--You will guard us from this generation forever:
Lord, may my child rise above his age as the mountaintops above the clouds. Fulfill in the faithful saying of this verse! Guard him fromthis generation, from being polluted by its evil influence. Thank you forthose two assuring words that declare, "You will." (Adapted from Psalms VolumeI,Charles Spurgeon)
>karen is on another more personal and liberal internet group i belong to
-i've gotten to know her thru that group and she lives in the area but I have yet to meet her-this is her response to the posting of the prayer above
Greetings BHHA group! I've been thinking about this post all day, originally thought I'djust delete and move on with my life, letting it go, but something in mefeels the need to speak up. So.......... ..... here goes! This is *not* meantto be offensive in any way, to anybody, so please take this from the placethat it comes from, which is my heart, and with the best intentions. The reason I am on the BHHA list is for that connection to other homeschoolers, in all the spice and variety that they come. I love the posts about new things going on, supporting each other, and feedbackwhen someone has questions. However, I have to say I really don't want this group to be the place where people feel free to post things NOT RELATED to homeschooling.Since BHHA is *inclusive*, I would really be sad if others felt unaccepted orlike they didn't 'belong' here, simply because their spirituality isdifferent. I would like to keep BHHA a place where all ideas, religions, lifestylesare welcomed with open arms. But, I think to really do that, sometimesthings have to be left unsaid. I would post these same words if someone fromthe opposite spectrum posted something similar to this prayer.Can we just keep the list to *on topic* kinds of discussions, andforegothings like how to pray for our children? How you might pray for yoursmay not be how someone else would choose to pray for their own. With much respect, Karen
>the following is someone writing to Kay the prayer poster in support of her
Kay, Please do not let "one voice" choose for a multitude, and continue tosend all emails through to BHHA. I know that this group was birthed in thoughtand origin by Jan Stewart and Rhonda Conner. Jan's Christian beliefs werewhat led her to start a group that could practice tolerance for all ideas,religions, thoughts, etc. Her heart in the matter was to be open to all peoplewithout judgement, to give them a place to be themselves to learn, grow, and sharetheir experiences in homeschooling. Where others may not see prayer as ahomeschool topic, some of us choose to place it at the top of all our homeschooling decisions. Please walk in confidence knowing that your continued emails tothe BHHA group will be welcomed and tolerated by many, and those who "choose"can not read, or delete any that come their way. In His Truth, Christina
>this is my response the posting of the prayer and in support of what karen had to say
Karen is absolutely right about wishing to keep off-the-topic-of-homeschool-religous posts off this list. There is a christian group for posts like that. I would never dream of posting my wiccan prayers, buddhist meditations, or GLBT pride chants. However I would post any family friendly notices to any wiccan, buddhist, or GLBT events and put in the subject line off topic and the first sentence would be the type of event it is so there were no confusion. I suggest everyone do the same. I have done that in the past when I introduced my Roots and Shoots group. It only takes a few extra seconds to specify that your group is all inclusive, religous(and what type), liberal, conservative, environmentally friendly, strictly acedemic, unschooling, etc.
I tolerate everyone and accept most. However I don't want my child attending strictly christian events. It does get confusing when so many christian events are posted without a "disclaimer" that says they are christian. I've been about ready to attend several events until I read a little further and sometimes between the lines. Karen wasn't saying to stop posting notices of those events. Though it would be nice if little "wisdoms" with an obvious religous tone not be posted-ANY spiritual belief not just chritian. There are plenty of religous specific groups that are happy to recieve those kinds of things.
And if certain notices are specific to certain styles of parenting than take it for what it is. I was met with defensiveness and hostility when I posted something aout a homeschool blog that was endorsed by the Pearls and how they hit kids with pipes. I dont' think this is a proper way to parent but some of you are okay with that. That message was meant for the ones not okay with it. However that wasn't one of those little wisdoms-it was a notice-there is is difference because it relates directly to homeschooling.
Many of us have no problem with notices to and from christians. Karen was very polite when she asked that prayers and such things not be posted. I see no harm offense in keeping THIS group religion free(except of course for notices of events). But please do state right away which group you are addressing so there is no confusion.
Amy
>this is Kay's response to me
Amy, My apologies to you as well. Kay
>and my response to Kay
Well thanks Kay, but I don't really understand the need for an apology. Icertainly don't require one. I wasn't offended by anything and after readingKaren's message again I don't really see where she's needing one either. Ithink our two voices (which may be the only ones posting but certainlyaren't the only two thinking) simply made a request. A request to not postcertain things so as to not alienate those of us members, and those who lookinto joining, who are non-christian. And I also made my request that peopleclarify which group they intend to address when making notices of events andsuch. But that wouldn't really require an apology either. But thanks anyway.amy
>and Kay responds back
Amy, What I heard in your response to me was that offense was taken.Therefore, I apologized for offending you. I am not apologizing for themessage. What I sent out was not intentionally to offend anyone. I thoughtit was a good way to pray for our kids. You do not have to agree. Becauseof this, I will be careful in the future with what I send out to the BHHAgroup. I do hope this will now be put to rest. Kay
>I get so tired of people misreading so I respond some more
No I'm sorry its not quite the end. I don't get offended very easily. And if I do. I say, "I am offended." I write what I mean. I rarely write with a mean, snotty, or attacking tone.(the occasional sarcasm and humor yes, but usually only to those who know me personally) I realize you don't know me but please don't presume I'm writing anything more than what the words clearly state. And my response wasn't to you personally. It was to all of BHHA requesting the aforementioned. (see my original message)
I don't want to continue a dialogue that has nothing to do with notices of homeschooling events-I have my other groups for support and friendly debate. I've noticed from the beginning that this group seems to be more for notices of events. I like being notified by BHHA of opportunities and I guess I was just trying to make sure that everyone could continue to feel welcome.
So, yes I guess this is the end.amy
>This was written to and sent to karen and me at our personal email addresses-the rest of BHHA didn't see this
Hello..I am writing this letter with the same intentions as ibelieve you two ladies had in your recent emails tothe bhha group.. to stand up for what you believein.... with one exception, i will honor those who i knowwould choose not to read what i am about to say andsend this only to those who deserve to read it....i am sorry that you two are terrified to believe inGod, and how on earth you can deny such is beyond anyimagination.. our country is founded with trust inGod, the money in your pocket was made to show such...You choose to deny everything God has given you, yetyou are not capable of CHOOSING to delete an email youdisagree with and ALLOW others their right to freedomof religion... so i have a promise for you from this day forth!I will no longer post a message or respond to amessage posted to this group that mentions any type offaith, religion, Christianity or anything under thoselines IF AND ONLY WHENYOU Honor MY freedom of religionHonor MY freedom of speechHonor MYfreedom of pressand Honor MY GOD GIVEN right to bless those i know, tolove those who hate me and HIM and to share and spreadthe Gospel with all who are within ear shot, eyeshotand physical reach of me... GOD did this for me and iwill do it for everyone i come in contact with in anyway... so if that gets in your way then i'd suggestyou close your eyes and close your ears, becausenothing you say or do will ever stop those who knowGod from sharing HIS WAY with others... nothing... thank you for being a part of this group... becauseone of two things will happen... you will either runfrom US in fear of GOD, or you will turn to GOD...either way, satan loses and God wins... Praise you Heavenly Father for all that you are!!!
>and so I resond to her personally
You don't know me or my fears. I made clear my intentions in my messages-which was( and i reapeat) non alienation of those who don't share a belief in christianity and a request to specify which groups notices are intended for (ie, unschoolers, christians, buddhists, etc). My requests had nothing to do with my belief in God which is very real and very powerful and very personal. Never once did I ask or expect anyone to stop believing as they do. I suggest you read our messages again without defensivness.
I don't usually participate in this kind of dialogue. I prefer to spend my time with my family and friends. I will no longer engage in defending my words because I took great care in writing them as considerately and precisely as I did in the first place-with, as I said before, no anger, hurt, offense, hate, or any negativity. However I do not stand idley by while someone attacks my character.
You have been blocked should you wish to pull me away again from what's important to me.amy
>this is written by Jen one of the moderators of the group
WOW! What a bunch of posts both on and off the list! Please let me chime in and then we can put this to rest (I hope!). Kay has appologized for sending the prayer. Was it a big deal to me? No, it wasn't. That's part of who Kay is and one of the reasons I love her so! ;) Karen was right that this is an inclusive group and as such we try to include everyone regardless of beliefs. Does that mean that no one should post a prayer? I don't think so. But at the same time, when and if someone wants to post something about a Halloween event or a Buddist something (sorry, I know NOTHING about that one!), we Christians aren't allowed to be offended by that. Do I think that will happen? You bet. It did. I'm not exagerating when I say that it was this type of thing (in reverse, honestly) that almost tore BHHA apart a few years ago. Someone did post a non-Christian event and people left the group in a huff with many hurt feelings to follow. Will we all be offended someday at something? Sure. That's a given because we're all human and all have values, which may be different than someone else's. Do we all have to agree? Nope. It would be a boring world if we were all the same. Yes, Jan and Rhonda did a lot to start BHHA. They both asked for a group where we could be tolerant of different beliefs and styles of home education. Do I want to see the prayers *not* sent? Not necessarily, because many families do use a prayer time in their educational walk. Is there an easy answer to any of this? No. BHHA was created as an inclusive group of home educators who were more concerned about the quality of education their children received than the religious beliefs of that family. It was -- and still is -- a place for people with the common goal of home education to meet and gain ideas. So I leave it to you, I suppose. You can hit the delete button when something isn't "your thing." You can decide that BHHA isn't for you. You can go ahead and send those items that might hit the "edges" of school, but clearly mark them "OT" or "Off Topic." Or we can say that only "educational" things are allowed —— whatever that may mean! ;) One thing I do ask from each of you, though, is to remain aware of the originial purpose of BHHA — an inclusive group of home educators. A final thing to remember: none of us knows what is in another's heart. I realize, as I read back on what I've written, that there is no solution here and that I've probably managed to make everyone upset. If so, I appologize. That wasn't my intent. But I don't want to see BHHA torn apart again over this. Thanks for listening. Jen
>and this is in response to Jen's response by another member of the group
Much is expected from those who have been given much. We've been given the gift of an inclusive group within which we can express ourselves, allow others to express themselves, and continually practice the art of allowing (without allowing anything to over ride our families). We can practice listening and speaking with love. We can learn from other families without judging their choices. We can all become examples to our children better by practicing amongst ourselves one of the central themes in all religions... love one another.I believe it is possible in this group to do that. I've witnessed it within this group. I feel Jan and Rhonda would be pleased by much of the growth, and I'm grateful to them for starting the group with Jen. Jen has been the constant, generous, single-handed strength behind BHHA since Jan's tragic death and Rhonda's move to Texas 5 (?) years ago. The 8 years that I've been involved with BHHA, I've dappled enough in the little BHHA 'jobs' to realize that whoever is willing to keep it going is giving us all a great and generous gift. Thank you, Jen. Jen was very gentle in her interjection of "Jen's response." She is the moderator and sole strength behind this support group, and not necessarily by choice. She has often invited anyone to step into any roles that would assist the entire group to provide more support for homeschooling families. She is very gentle in her requests for that as well. Perhaps we should all step forward and begin meeting again, discussing in person and reaching out to one another. It's always easier to see the presence of Grace in someone's eyes. The emails are convenient for posting of events and occasional exchanges of ideas when the kids are tucked into bed and it's not necessary to leave the house, but my experiences at the meetings were always warm and welcoming and accepting and helpful and fueling and thought provoking and encouraging and loving. Maybe we should step forward and meet at the heart.
>This is my response and agreement to the post directly above
I agree, Jen's respons seemed very nice. Of course you, knowing her personally were probably able to see that in her writing. Since no one here knows me outside of email I too tried to to be as diplomatic as possible even stating that I didn't and don't usually write with an angry, offended, or attacking tone. But I know from responses I recieved on the BHHA list and to my personal email that some did find offense in what Karen and I tried to express. So yes, your idea of meeting in person is great. It'd be a great way for people to get to know each other and better understand that not everything written by group is an attack on another group.
Because of my distance from Rapid I'm not able to attend many events because I already go to Rapid twice a week for other commitments. Like I said I've wanted to attend other events til I found out they were strictly christian. I already have a great support of moms and their families-homeschoolers, unschoolers, public schoolers who raise their kids with respect and love, christian families, UU families, non-relgous families-but I'd like a chance to meet and befriend more. So if an all inclusive meeting/event/whatever is planned I hope to attend.
amy houchin
>the person who wrote karen and me personally also responded to the meeting in person and jens response
Amen to that! Hence the reason i never respondedthrough the group.... that only feeds the sheer needfor chaos and drama....and the point of these groups,to me, is love, support and respect for each otherincluding each others individuality. .... Please let us go forth with those who are willing tohonor that and continue on!sammie
>and finally karen and I are getting some actual support starting with the following and I've also recieved some at my personal email
I've not really been much a part of this group, but wanted to respond here. I think my insight can help some individuals see this in a different light. I apologize to those of you who would just like to see this "dropped."Over a year ago I attended one of the group's meetings to learn more about homeschooling, as my daughter was just a toddler and I was considering homeschooling. After the meeting some members were discussing some of their reasons for homeschooling. For them the reason was because they didn't want their children influenced (in a non-Christian way) by other students or by the teaching of Evolution in school. That really struck me and made me wonder if the group was in fact a group of Christians who were homeschooling, rather than a diverse group of homeschoolers each with their own reasons for teaching their own children. Some more subtle things also contributed to that mistaken belief of mine (like in language, some of the women referred to the get-togethers as a chance for "fellowship" which to me is a word I've only heard of Christian gatherings - though of course the meaning is broader than that--it's more just my own connotation of the word than its actual meaning). So, while some may feel that this current discussion is a big negative for the group, I find it to be a very positive occurrence. It made me realize (for the first time) that not everyone in the group is Christian, and that everyone is homeschooling for their own reasons.So, I see Amy's point when she says there isn't a need for an apology. There is nothing offensive about what was originally posted by Kay. It can just give a false impression by a new member/reader that the group is not what it in reality is. I had that impression for over a year, until some others shared their point of view about this particular post. Others might have left the group, feeling that it didn't "fit" them. I chose to stay, even though I wasn't sure the group was an exact "fit" because I wanted to save some of the resources for future reference (when my daughters are older and I may be ready to start homeschooling) .I don't have any problem with postings of events by groups of various faiths/beliefs (as others have stated) as long as they are specifically noted as such. I don't even really have a problem with postings of prayers of various faiths/groups. I just think it's possible to drive away new members who might have a mistaken impression of just what purpose the group is here to serve. That, not the "offensive" nature of any prayer, I believe is what Amy and Karen meant by their requests. (my interpretation of them - I apologize to both of you if my interpretation is wrong.)Just another point of view. I hope it helps everyone to see this discussion as I do - a positive and non-confrontational one that helps some of us to see how diverse this group really is. I really had no idea. Thanks Karen and Amy for helping me to see that there is more to this group than initially meets the eye (or met mine, anyway). Peace & light to all--Nikkole
>my response to Nikkole the above writer-and a jab at the person who attacked me further above at my personal address-this was written to the entire list as was the above
Yes, Nikkole you did interpret my message correctly(I can't speak completely for Karen). Thankyou for illustrating my point.
And thankyou to all of you who posted either on the list or to my personal email with encouragement, respect, or in a general positive manner. Shame on those of you who attacked thru my email and warned me of my fate with Satan-especially while claiming love on the list.I'm glad that there are those of you who understood I never attacked christianity in itself or those who live that lifestyle.
And I'm glad it did open some dialogue. Hopefully it helped those who follow other paths and those who respect all paths to see there is diversity and support in BHHA. I think so called drama can be a wonderful experience when "played" with tact, respect, and the intention of really understanding and accepting one another despite differences.
I feel encouraged that should I ever want to post a notice to an event it will be welcomed and attended by some. I have not posted a few events for fear it would be attended by protestors but I can see that some of you may have missed out on wonderful opportunites.
amy
>this was posted to the group
From: KaySubject: [BHHA] A neat way to pray for our kidsFrom Psalm 12:7--You will guard us from this generation forever:
Lord, may my child rise above his age as the mountaintops above the clouds. Fulfill in the faithful saying of this verse! Guard him fromthis generation, from being polluted by its evil influence. Thank you forthose two assuring words that declare, "You will." (Adapted from Psalms VolumeI,Charles Spurgeon)
>karen is on another more personal and liberal internet group i belong to
-i've gotten to know her thru that group and she lives in the area but I have yet to meet her-this is her response to the posting of the prayer above
Greetings BHHA group! I've been thinking about this post all day, originally thought I'djust delete and move on with my life, letting it go, but something in mefeels the need to speak up. So.......... ..... here goes! This is *not* meantto be offensive in any way, to anybody, so please take this from the placethat it comes from, which is my heart, and with the best intentions. The reason I am on the BHHA list is for that connection to other homeschoolers, in all the spice and variety that they come. I love the posts about new things going on, supporting each other, and feedbackwhen someone has questions. However, I have to say I really don't want this group to be the place where people feel free to post things NOT RELATED to homeschooling.Since BHHA is *inclusive*, I would really be sad if others felt unaccepted orlike they didn't 'belong' here, simply because their spirituality isdifferent. I would like to keep BHHA a place where all ideas, religions, lifestylesare welcomed with open arms. But, I think to really do that, sometimesthings have to be left unsaid. I would post these same words if someone fromthe opposite spectrum posted something similar to this prayer.Can we just keep the list to *on topic* kinds of discussions, andforegothings like how to pray for our children? How you might pray for yoursmay not be how someone else would choose to pray for their own. With much respect, Karen
>the following is someone writing to Kay the prayer poster in support of her
Kay, Please do not let "one voice" choose for a multitude, and continue tosend all emails through to BHHA. I know that this group was birthed in thoughtand origin by Jan Stewart and Rhonda Conner. Jan's Christian beliefs werewhat led her to start a group that could practice tolerance for all ideas,religions, thoughts, etc. Her heart in the matter was to be open to all peoplewithout judgement, to give them a place to be themselves to learn, grow, and sharetheir experiences in homeschooling. Where others may not see prayer as ahomeschool topic, some of us choose to place it at the top of all our homeschooling decisions. Please walk in confidence knowing that your continued emails tothe BHHA group will be welcomed and tolerated by many, and those who "choose"can not read, or delete any that come their way. In His Truth, Christina
>this is my response the posting of the prayer and in support of what karen had to say
Karen is absolutely right about wishing to keep off-the-topic-of-homeschool-religous posts off this list. There is a christian group for posts like that. I would never dream of posting my wiccan prayers, buddhist meditations, or GLBT pride chants. However I would post any family friendly notices to any wiccan, buddhist, or GLBT events and put in the subject line off topic and the first sentence would be the type of event it is so there were no confusion. I suggest everyone do the same. I have done that in the past when I introduced my Roots and Shoots group. It only takes a few extra seconds to specify that your group is all inclusive, religous(and what type), liberal, conservative, environmentally friendly, strictly acedemic, unschooling, etc.
I tolerate everyone and accept most. However I don't want my child attending strictly christian events. It does get confusing when so many christian events are posted without a "disclaimer" that says they are christian. I've been about ready to attend several events until I read a little further and sometimes between the lines. Karen wasn't saying to stop posting notices of those events. Though it would be nice if little "wisdoms" with an obvious religous tone not be posted-ANY spiritual belief not just chritian. There are plenty of religous specific groups that are happy to recieve those kinds of things.
And if certain notices are specific to certain styles of parenting than take it for what it is. I was met with defensiveness and hostility when I posted something aout a homeschool blog that was endorsed by the Pearls and how they hit kids with pipes. I dont' think this is a proper way to parent but some of you are okay with that. That message was meant for the ones not okay with it. However that wasn't one of those little wisdoms-it was a notice-there is is difference because it relates directly to homeschooling.
Many of us have no problem with notices to and from christians. Karen was very polite when she asked that prayers and such things not be posted. I see no harm offense in keeping THIS group religion free(except of course for notices of events). But please do state right away which group you are addressing so there is no confusion.
Amy
>this is Kay's response to me
Amy, My apologies to you as well. Kay
>and my response to Kay
Well thanks Kay, but I don't really understand the need for an apology. Icertainly don't require one. I wasn't offended by anything and after readingKaren's message again I don't really see where she's needing one either. Ithink our two voices (which may be the only ones posting but certainlyaren't the only two thinking) simply made a request. A request to not postcertain things so as to not alienate those of us members, and those who lookinto joining, who are non-christian. And I also made my request that peopleclarify which group they intend to address when making notices of events andsuch. But that wouldn't really require an apology either. But thanks anyway.amy
>and Kay responds back
Amy, What I heard in your response to me was that offense was taken.Therefore, I apologized for offending you. I am not apologizing for themessage. What I sent out was not intentionally to offend anyone. I thoughtit was a good way to pray for our kids. You do not have to agree. Becauseof this, I will be careful in the future with what I send out to the BHHAgroup. I do hope this will now be put to rest. Kay
>I get so tired of people misreading so I respond some more
No I'm sorry its not quite the end. I don't get offended very easily. And if I do. I say, "I am offended." I write what I mean. I rarely write with a mean, snotty, or attacking tone.(the occasional sarcasm and humor yes, but usually only to those who know me personally) I realize you don't know me but please don't presume I'm writing anything more than what the words clearly state. And my response wasn't to you personally. It was to all of BHHA requesting the aforementioned. (see my original message)
I don't want to continue a dialogue that has nothing to do with notices of homeschooling events-I have my other groups for support and friendly debate. I've noticed from the beginning that this group seems to be more for notices of events. I like being notified by BHHA of opportunities and I guess I was just trying to make sure that everyone could continue to feel welcome.
So, yes I guess this is the end.amy
>This was written to and sent to karen and me at our personal email addresses-the rest of BHHA didn't see this
Hello..I am writing this letter with the same intentions as ibelieve you two ladies had in your recent emails tothe bhha group.. to stand up for what you believein.... with one exception, i will honor those who i knowwould choose not to read what i am about to say andsend this only to those who deserve to read it....i am sorry that you two are terrified to believe inGod, and how on earth you can deny such is beyond anyimagination.. our country is founded with trust inGod, the money in your pocket was made to show such...You choose to deny everything God has given you, yetyou are not capable of CHOOSING to delete an email youdisagree with and ALLOW others their right to freedomof religion... so i have a promise for you from this day forth!I will no longer post a message or respond to amessage posted to this group that mentions any type offaith, religion, Christianity or anything under thoselines IF AND ONLY WHENYOU Honor MY freedom of religionHonor MY freedom of speechHonor MYfreedom of pressand Honor MY GOD GIVEN right to bless those i know, tolove those who hate me and HIM and to share and spreadthe Gospel with all who are within ear shot, eyeshotand physical reach of me... GOD did this for me and iwill do it for everyone i come in contact with in anyway... so if that gets in your way then i'd suggestyou close your eyes and close your ears, becausenothing you say or do will ever stop those who knowGod from sharing HIS WAY with others... nothing... thank you for being a part of this group... becauseone of two things will happen... you will either runfrom US in fear of GOD, or you will turn to GOD...either way, satan loses and God wins... Praise you Heavenly Father for all that you are!!!
>and so I resond to her personally
You don't know me or my fears. I made clear my intentions in my messages-which was( and i reapeat) non alienation of those who don't share a belief in christianity and a request to specify which groups notices are intended for (ie, unschoolers, christians, buddhists, etc). My requests had nothing to do with my belief in God which is very real and very powerful and very personal. Never once did I ask or expect anyone to stop believing as they do. I suggest you read our messages again without defensivness.
I don't usually participate in this kind of dialogue. I prefer to spend my time with my family and friends. I will no longer engage in defending my words because I took great care in writing them as considerately and precisely as I did in the first place-with, as I said before, no anger, hurt, offense, hate, or any negativity. However I do not stand idley by while someone attacks my character.
You have been blocked should you wish to pull me away again from what's important to me.amy
>this is written by Jen one of the moderators of the group
WOW! What a bunch of posts both on and off the list! Please let me chime in and then we can put this to rest (I hope!). Kay has appologized for sending the prayer. Was it a big deal to me? No, it wasn't. That's part of who Kay is and one of the reasons I love her so! ;) Karen was right that this is an inclusive group and as such we try to include everyone regardless of beliefs. Does that mean that no one should post a prayer? I don't think so. But at the same time, when and if someone wants to post something about a Halloween event or a Buddist something (sorry, I know NOTHING about that one!), we Christians aren't allowed to be offended by that. Do I think that will happen? You bet. It did. I'm not exagerating when I say that it was this type of thing (in reverse, honestly) that almost tore BHHA apart a few years ago. Someone did post a non-Christian event and people left the group in a huff with many hurt feelings to follow. Will we all be offended someday at something? Sure. That's a given because we're all human and all have values, which may be different than someone else's. Do we all have to agree? Nope. It would be a boring world if we were all the same. Yes, Jan and Rhonda did a lot to start BHHA. They both asked for a group where we could be tolerant of different beliefs and styles of home education. Do I want to see the prayers *not* sent? Not necessarily, because many families do use a prayer time in their educational walk. Is there an easy answer to any of this? No. BHHA was created as an inclusive group of home educators who were more concerned about the quality of education their children received than the religious beliefs of that family. It was -- and still is -- a place for people with the common goal of home education to meet and gain ideas. So I leave it to you, I suppose. You can hit the delete button when something isn't "your thing." You can decide that BHHA isn't for you. You can go ahead and send those items that might hit the "edges" of school, but clearly mark them "OT" or "Off Topic." Or we can say that only "educational" things are allowed —— whatever that may mean! ;) One thing I do ask from each of you, though, is to remain aware of the originial purpose of BHHA — an inclusive group of home educators. A final thing to remember: none of us knows what is in another's heart. I realize, as I read back on what I've written, that there is no solution here and that I've probably managed to make everyone upset. If so, I appologize. That wasn't my intent. But I don't want to see BHHA torn apart again over this. Thanks for listening. Jen
>and this is in response to Jen's response by another member of the group
Much is expected from those who have been given much. We've been given the gift of an inclusive group within which we can express ourselves, allow others to express themselves, and continually practice the art of allowing (without allowing anything to over ride our families). We can practice listening and speaking with love. We can learn from other families without judging their choices. We can all become examples to our children better by practicing amongst ourselves one of the central themes in all religions... love one another.I believe it is possible in this group to do that. I've witnessed it within this group. I feel Jan and Rhonda would be pleased by much of the growth, and I'm grateful to them for starting the group with Jen. Jen has been the constant, generous, single-handed strength behind BHHA since Jan's tragic death and Rhonda's move to Texas 5 (?) years ago. The 8 years that I've been involved with BHHA, I've dappled enough in the little BHHA 'jobs' to realize that whoever is willing to keep it going is giving us all a great and generous gift. Thank you, Jen. Jen was very gentle in her interjection of "Jen's response." She is the moderator and sole strength behind this support group, and not necessarily by choice. She has often invited anyone to step into any roles that would assist the entire group to provide more support for homeschooling families. She is very gentle in her requests for that as well. Perhaps we should all step forward and begin meeting again, discussing in person and reaching out to one another. It's always easier to see the presence of Grace in someone's eyes. The emails are convenient for posting of events and occasional exchanges of ideas when the kids are tucked into bed and it's not necessary to leave the house, but my experiences at the meetings were always warm and welcoming and accepting and helpful and fueling and thought provoking and encouraging and loving. Maybe we should step forward and meet at the heart.
>This is my response and agreement to the post directly above
I agree, Jen's respons seemed very nice. Of course you, knowing her personally were probably able to see that in her writing. Since no one here knows me outside of email I too tried to to be as diplomatic as possible even stating that I didn't and don't usually write with an angry, offended, or attacking tone. But I know from responses I recieved on the BHHA list and to my personal email that some did find offense in what Karen and I tried to express. So yes, your idea of meeting in person is great. It'd be a great way for people to get to know each other and better understand that not everything written by group is an attack on another group.
Because of my distance from Rapid I'm not able to attend many events because I already go to Rapid twice a week for other commitments. Like I said I've wanted to attend other events til I found out they were strictly christian. I already have a great support of moms and their families-homeschoolers, unschoolers, public schoolers who raise their kids with respect and love, christian families, UU families, non-relgous families-but I'd like a chance to meet and befriend more. So if an all inclusive meeting/event/whatever is planned I hope to attend.
amy houchin
>the person who wrote karen and me personally also responded to the meeting in person and jens response
Amen to that! Hence the reason i never respondedthrough the group.... that only feeds the sheer needfor chaos and drama....and the point of these groups,to me, is love, support and respect for each otherincluding each others individuality. .... Please let us go forth with those who are willing tohonor that and continue on!sammie
>and finally karen and I are getting some actual support starting with the following and I've also recieved some at my personal email
I've not really been much a part of this group, but wanted to respond here. I think my insight can help some individuals see this in a different light. I apologize to those of you who would just like to see this "dropped."Over a year ago I attended one of the group's meetings to learn more about homeschooling, as my daughter was just a toddler and I was considering homeschooling. After the meeting some members were discussing some of their reasons for homeschooling. For them the reason was because they didn't want their children influenced (in a non-Christian way) by other students or by the teaching of Evolution in school. That really struck me and made me wonder if the group was in fact a group of Christians who were homeschooling, rather than a diverse group of homeschoolers each with their own reasons for teaching their own children. Some more subtle things also contributed to that mistaken belief of mine (like in language, some of the women referred to the get-togethers as a chance for "fellowship" which to me is a word I've only heard of Christian gatherings - though of course the meaning is broader than that--it's more just my own connotation of the word than its actual meaning). So, while some may feel that this current discussion is a big negative for the group, I find it to be a very positive occurrence. It made me realize (for the first time) that not everyone in the group is Christian, and that everyone is homeschooling for their own reasons.So, I see Amy's point when she says there isn't a need for an apology. There is nothing offensive about what was originally posted by Kay. It can just give a false impression by a new member/reader that the group is not what it in reality is. I had that impression for over a year, until some others shared their point of view about this particular post. Others might have left the group, feeling that it didn't "fit" them. I chose to stay, even though I wasn't sure the group was an exact "fit" because I wanted to save some of the resources for future reference (when my daughters are older and I may be ready to start homeschooling) .I don't have any problem with postings of events by groups of various faiths/beliefs (as others have stated) as long as they are specifically noted as such. I don't even really have a problem with postings of prayers of various faiths/groups. I just think it's possible to drive away new members who might have a mistaken impression of just what purpose the group is here to serve. That, not the "offensive" nature of any prayer, I believe is what Amy and Karen meant by their requests. (my interpretation of them - I apologize to both of you if my interpretation is wrong.)Just another point of view. I hope it helps everyone to see this discussion as I do - a positive and non-confrontational one that helps some of us to see how diverse this group really is. I really had no idea. Thanks Karen and Amy for helping me to see that there is more to this group than initially meets the eye (or met mine, anyway). Peace & light to all--Nikkole
>my response to Nikkole the above writer-and a jab at the person who attacked me further above at my personal address-this was written to the entire list as was the above
Yes, Nikkole you did interpret my message correctly(I can't speak completely for Karen). Thankyou for illustrating my point.
And thankyou to all of you who posted either on the list or to my personal email with encouragement, respect, or in a general positive manner. Shame on those of you who attacked thru my email and warned me of my fate with Satan-especially while claiming love on the list.I'm glad that there are those of you who understood I never attacked christianity in itself or those who live that lifestyle.
And I'm glad it did open some dialogue. Hopefully it helped those who follow other paths and those who respect all paths to see there is diversity and support in BHHA. I think so called drama can be a wonderful experience when "played" with tact, respect, and the intention of really understanding and accepting one another despite differences.
I feel encouraged that should I ever want to post a notice to an event it will be welcomed and attended by some. I have not posted a few events for fear it would be attended by protestors but I can see that some of you may have missed out on wonderful opportunites.
amy
Monday, July 24, 2006
Life and Liberty for all-not just for a small church
There are rallies running rampant all over western SD. I just read about a "Proclaiming Life and Liberty Rally". Its made up of people from small chruches in small towns who support the abortion ban. House Republican Leader Larry Rhoden of Union Center was in attendance at the latest one in Newell. He said he believes the public is getting some misleading information about the abortion measure. What's so misleading about not being able to have abortions in any case whatsoever? Rev. Wes Labrier of the Union Center Baptist Church was there too. He said he and his church "personally prayed and came up with much of what" was seen at the rally. Um, okay. Yipee for them. They prayed and decided that they believe abortion is bad. That's their right, their choice.
Who even knows where this Union Center is? Well I do. Its a tiny town about an hour from sturgis on Hwy 34. It has a community center and a farily new church building. It even has a mall with a little cafe and I think a hair salon-I've never been to the mall. About 15 minutes from Union Center on a gravel road is the farm I spent much of my childhood. Holidays, family birthdays, summer vacations, and a few random weekends until I was in high school were spent on that farm. Since then I've cut down on my visits. And of course on Sundays before those big old fashioned family dinners we were in church-the very church mentioned above(although I attended in the old church building). I have many memories there. I grew up knowing many of the farm families and their kids, even the ones belonging to Mister Rhoden. I even taught Vacation Bible School one summer after attending all the previous ones as a child. I have family that still attends that church.
So being somewhat familar with that church I feel qualified to say they are not preaching Life and Liberty. First let's look at some defintions of Liberty-freedom from external or foreign rule-freedom from control, interference, obligation, restriction, etc; power or right of acting according to choice-OH NO! There's that dreaded word "choice". And what about Life. Once again who's life are they so concerned about? An embryo that in many cases will abort on its own? An embryo that isn't quite human yet? An embryo that may not even have a soul yet? An embryo that may grow into a child that's unwanted, mistreated, unadored, dare I say a burden on the mother forced to raise it? So when they say life they don't much care about the mother's life-wether she was raped or not. And they don't care about the child either if they assume its going to grow up with a happy childhood.
And trust me when I say that church doesn't preach love and kindness and equality for all humans. I can even go so far as to say they're kinda damning. Espcially to girls, and girls from single parent homes who live part time in the city, and people who aren't baptists, and people who don't use only the king james version of the bible, and people who think just maybe the world took a little longer than 7 days to form, and I'm sure a bunch of other things I'm failing to recall.
So hey, lets form our own Life and Liberty rally. Cause I'm all for both. A girl should be able to live her life fully. And it'd sure be super for her to have the liberty to have kids when and if she's ready to devote a lot of love and life to them. So I want a rally for true Life and true Libery. Who's with me? ---And if you're not go complain about it in your own blog.
+On a sidenote. Not all my experiences with that church were bad. When I lived like them (as a christian) I did feel a certain amount (not complete and total) of acceptance and friendliness from them. But now not being like them and seeing it from another perspective I'm able to see the way they don't accept people who aren't like them. Also a lot of my family attends that church still. I love my family. I'm like them in some ways and completely different in other ways. I like being with my family but we don't discuss issues that would cause tension. The people at that church aren't evil-they have love. What I wish for them (including my family) is that they realize everyone deserves a choice to find their own happiness, to live free to follow their own god, and that people who are different aren't evil or even wrong.
Who even knows where this Union Center is? Well I do. Its a tiny town about an hour from sturgis on Hwy 34. It has a community center and a farily new church building. It even has a mall with a little cafe and I think a hair salon-I've never been to the mall. About 15 minutes from Union Center on a gravel road is the farm I spent much of my childhood. Holidays, family birthdays, summer vacations, and a few random weekends until I was in high school were spent on that farm. Since then I've cut down on my visits. And of course on Sundays before those big old fashioned family dinners we were in church-the very church mentioned above(although I attended in the old church building). I have many memories there. I grew up knowing many of the farm families and their kids, even the ones belonging to Mister Rhoden. I even taught Vacation Bible School one summer after attending all the previous ones as a child. I have family that still attends that church.
So being somewhat familar with that church I feel qualified to say they are not preaching Life and Liberty. First let's look at some defintions of Liberty-freedom from external or foreign rule-freedom from control, interference, obligation, restriction, etc; power or right of acting according to choice-OH NO! There's that dreaded word "choice". And what about Life. Once again who's life are they so concerned about? An embryo that in many cases will abort on its own? An embryo that isn't quite human yet? An embryo that may not even have a soul yet? An embryo that may grow into a child that's unwanted, mistreated, unadored, dare I say a burden on the mother forced to raise it? So when they say life they don't much care about the mother's life-wether she was raped or not. And they don't care about the child either if they assume its going to grow up with a happy childhood.
And trust me when I say that church doesn't preach love and kindness and equality for all humans. I can even go so far as to say they're kinda damning. Espcially to girls, and girls from single parent homes who live part time in the city, and people who aren't baptists, and people who don't use only the king james version of the bible, and people who think just maybe the world took a little longer than 7 days to form, and I'm sure a bunch of other things I'm failing to recall.
So hey, lets form our own Life and Liberty rally. Cause I'm all for both. A girl should be able to live her life fully. And it'd sure be super for her to have the liberty to have kids when and if she's ready to devote a lot of love and life to them. So I want a rally for true Life and true Libery. Who's with me? ---And if you're not go complain about it in your own blog.
+On a sidenote. Not all my experiences with that church were bad. When I lived like them (as a christian) I did feel a certain amount (not complete and total) of acceptance and friendliness from them. But now not being like them and seeing it from another perspective I'm able to see the way they don't accept people who aren't like them. Also a lot of my family attends that church still. I love my family. I'm like them in some ways and completely different in other ways. I like being with my family but we don't discuss issues that would cause tension. The people at that church aren't evil-they have love. What I wish for them (including my family) is that they realize everyone deserves a choice to find their own happiness, to live free to follow their own god, and that people who are different aren't evil or even wrong.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Let's pretend we're in Anarctica
My Acupuncturist says my womb is cold. A baby doesn't want to live in an iceberg. Hence the miscarriages. And she says my metabolism is low too. Well I know that. With her help I can normalize my chi-my energy-bring warmth to my insides. I can also eat healthy-i do-and regulary-i do-and excercise everyday-okay there are days that I'm a little lazier in that area but I'm not a couch potato either. I prefer to stay active but I don't like scheduled excercise-I prefer more free form excercise-like cleaning or remodeling the house, landscaping, taking walks, a little hiking or canoeing.
The nights are cooling off. This morning I woke up cocooned in my blanket, the surrounding sheets and my nose chilly. But still that smell of summer and the sound of birds (and noisy squirrels) out the window. And bright morning light.
The frozen rhubarb melted all over the fridge. Silly me should have seen that coming. Rhubarb juice to clean and a pie to make. And a ride on the scooter to get the ingredients I need. I hate not using organic but I don't want to drive all the way to Spearfish for butter and shortening. Waste of time, waste of gas-gotta conserve. Do our part to prevent global warming.
The days are cooling too. Breezes and chances of rain. Hot July is almost over. August brings several showers. And bikers, though the growl of motorcycles comes earlier and earlier every year. We'll have company soon. And Adeline. Two weeks-I have to spend lots of time out of my head to forget how much I miss her.
The nights are cooling off. This morning I woke up cocooned in my blanket, the surrounding sheets and my nose chilly. But still that smell of summer and the sound of birds (and noisy squirrels) out the window. And bright morning light.
The frozen rhubarb melted all over the fridge. Silly me should have seen that coming. Rhubarb juice to clean and a pie to make. And a ride on the scooter to get the ingredients I need. I hate not using organic but I don't want to drive all the way to Spearfish for butter and shortening. Waste of time, waste of gas-gotta conserve. Do our part to prevent global warming.
The days are cooling too. Breezes and chances of rain. Hot July is almost over. August brings several showers. And bikers, though the growl of motorcycles comes earlier and earlier every year. We'll have company soon. And Adeline. Two weeks-I have to spend lots of time out of my head to forget how much I miss her.
Monday, July 17, 2006
MySpace Posts
www.myspace.com/belovedlittlehill
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The old woman who lived in the shoe
Starting in jr.high I decided that if I were going to have kids it would be through adoption. That thought continued up until the point I found out I was pregnant. Then I realized I no longer wanted to share a life with my husband let alone have another child with him. Later I hooked up with someone who didn't want anymore kids either. But Life evolves. We evolved. We've figured out what we want in life and part of that is more children. Like in Raising Arizona: as voiced over by H.I. "and Ed thought that havin a critter was the next logical step. It was all she thought about. Her point was that there was too much love and beauty for just the two of us. And every day we kept a child out of the world was a day he might later regret having missed. That was beautiful."
And so two miscarriages within a year later I start thinking about adoption. And I keep being reminded of it everywhere-two ukraine boys need adopted as posted in a homeschool group, a customer of the organic co-op coming in with their adopted brood, adoption seminars offered in the newpaper, a blip about it in a book I'm reading. So I bring up the idea to Josh and he seems to think its a pretty good idea(which is rare because every new idea he usually has to argue with first-its a nurtured thing) And of course I get right on the internet and start researching it. And guess what I find.
Once again a pretty effed up system. ( this is international adoption standards I didn't even check out domestic adoption) Single men, gays, and unmarried partners need not apply. Sure single women can apply but as a "single" women I have no income seeing as how I'm also a homemaker. And good luck finding a social woker in this area who will approve of a couple living in sin during the homestudy(where they come to your home and make sure you'll provide a safe environment).
The three of us have different last names but we're a family. We're more a family than a lot of married folks I know. I'm a mother. Its what I'm good at. I didn't realize it for a long time but its what I'm meant to do. Adeline wants brothers and sisters-she's just too social and caring not to have more kids to grow up with. Josh can make anyone laugh and he has a lot of great interests to share with kids. We've proven to ourselves and a lot of others that we're committed to stay toghether as a family. Josh and I have so much to offer children and its just not fair that Adeline is the only one who gets to benefit from it. There's too much love and beauty in the world for just the three of us.
I haven't given up. We'll keep trying the pregnancy thing and the adoption thing but if little Nathan Jr. ends up missing from the Arizona house you know who took him.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The fake life of...
I'm sure everyone on MySpace has had the fake friend request. A tight body or funny faced profile will ask you to be their friend so you check out their page. Suprise!-its all fake-they're trying to sell you something. Sometimes its a neat gadget or way to make money. Sometimes their selling their sexy selves. What's disturbing to me though is the not-so-fake profile of people trying to sell themselves. These are the real people. People you may be friends with and for all you know I may be one. The ones who entice you with their misleading pictures and fun and maybe a little naughty interests. Maybe its how they see themselves or who they'd like to be. But its not them. Then they attract all these people who are interested in the same things. They keep corresponding. Eventually they gain respect, or friendship, or love. They sign their comments with intimate little phrases and a "muah" or two. But they never meet. Why? Because they're big fat fakes. They don't look like that-even if they did at one time. They aren't fun loving adventurers who spend all their time outdoors. They probably spend most their time on the computer interacting with people who think they're something they're not.
Now do I think this is wrong. Not necessarily. One of the great things about computer freindships is the ambiguity. The control of you and your world. It can be fun and exciting. If your computer friends are being nasty you can be nasty back or you can ignore them. Whatever.
What I think is wrong is...well there's two things wrong. First its the hope that the faker gives that they'll meet. "Oh I just might show up there" but they never do of course. So its unapolegetically and intentionally misleading a person into believing they can be more than computer buddies.
Second and this is the thing that is just way wrong is using your fake profile to make others look like they're something their not. I've seen people I know and not know do this. For instance and hypothetically say my friend April(she's first on my friends list) and I have a big falling out. So I post pictures of her or direct people to her sight and tell people what a superficial idiot she is because she's always laughing-you know because poeple who laugh all the time don't ever think of anything serious or have real problems. When actually I love that she laughs a lot and always greets me with a smile. Its comforting and warm and counteracts the permanent scowl I seem to have. And I know her deep thoughts and her struggles as well as her silly and fun side. But you can't see all that she is from her profile. So if I told you differently and you trusted me you'd believe me. So here in lies the problems with meeting people and becoming their friend exclusively on the internet.
If I had a camera-seriously I must have lost it, probably at my daughters dance rehearsal- I'd take a nearly nude picture of myself to show you all my flabbyness-a picture of the rooms in my house that I've avoided cleaning for a long time, the stacks of magazines and layers of dust-a picture of my smile to show you exactly why I don't smile often-a picture of me wasting time in front of this computer screen when its clearly a beautiful day outside- a picture of me sleeping and a sound clip of me snoring when its a beautiful morning that I could be out enjoying-and picture of my schedule, if I had one written, to show you just how many parts of the day I do waste.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
yet another reason to flee
Why do the hills have to offer so much solace and hightened spirituality? Why do the stars have to be so abundant and bright? Why does the air have to smell so distinctly seasonal and clear? Why do I have to feel comfortable letting my kid play outside without complete and total supervision? Why does housing have to be so afforable (at least for people who earn a living wage)? Why did I let myself become attached to people who live here? Why do I have to be happy with so much about this state and be driven out by the laws its politicians and many of its residents want to impose?
HB1215 takes away a womans choice to have an aboriton even if she was impregnated by rape or incest and even if her health is in jeapordy. That right there says a lot about how SD values women.
Now I learn about Amendment C. "Only marriage between a man and a woman shall be valid or recognized in South Dakota. The uniting of two or more persons in civil union, domestic partnership, or other quasi-marital relationship shall not be valid or recognized in South Dakota."
When I was a little girl I didn't dream of that "one special day". I still don't want to get married, its a waste of time and money as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to put on a dress and be the center of attention. I don't care to prove to friends, family and the government, with a ceremony, a ring, or a piece of paper that I've made a commitment to my partner. I don't want to be labeled or introduced as someone's wife as if me as a person was somehow lost or changed. I don't want that day to be the highlight of my life and everything before or after becomes something of little value.
However I don't want my partnership to be viewed as less than a marriage. I don't want to be introduced by people I consider family as "a friend" and I want to be included in their family photos. When my partner and I have trouble I don't want others to be okay with us breaking up or to not encourage us to stay together just because we haven't stood in front of someone that says we're now married. I want to be able to share health benefits. I want to know that if either of us ever gets admitted to ICU that we'll be able to visit each other and if something really serious ever happens, my partner, the one who knows me best and knows my wishes, will be able to make medical decisions for me.
We have made the commitment. Either of us could easily pack up and part without lawyers and a court battle. But we're together. I have lived as a domestic partner and homemaker for four years. We decided to have kids and nearly did-that whole miscarriage thing being a little bump in the road. We plan for the future. We work together to make our lives better. This is our house. Our relationship is our responsibility. We love, we laugh, we get angry, we get hurt. We sleep together, we travel together, we eat nearly every evening meal together at the table rarely ever with the tv on. We are a family, we're both responsible for adeline-her education, her health, her well-being.
But South Dakota(its politicians and many of its people) don't want us to have the rights of a family. They want to view a man and a woman united legally as the only kind of marriage. They want to allow rights to only that specific kind of commitment. South Dakota is discriminating-and anyone who votes yes on Amendment C is discriminating. If you want to help in more ways than a vote visit http://www.southdakotansagainstdiscrimination.org/
Discrimination is not a thing of the past. Just when we think we're advancing as a civilization, a group of people have to come up with something like this. A group of poeple who think their way is the only way has to make their way law for everyone. Think for a minute(preferably longer) how many people this Amendment is hurting.
Monday, May 15, 2006
for all my fans-or mostly just me
Eventually I will blog again. For days I can't think of anything to write and then bam! I have three entries running loose in my head waiting to be set free into the internet world. For now all I will say is that I'm eating split pea soup, planning a garden, listening to April go on and on and on( I'm teasing) about all the boys in her ports, wishing I could get kissed, kicking the cat-I mean gently placing the cat outside, letting adeline write on my shoes, fighting some allergy that makes my eyes itch and my snot run,-(which probably doesn't make me desirable for kissing), avoiding the dishes, procrastinating on my emails, and waiting ever so patiently for the weather to stay warm enough for flip flops and a tank top.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I'm rubber you're glue...
Adeline calls me "Lamey". I suggested she do so. I thought it fair since when she is moody I call her a names. When she is ornry I tell her, "Quit being a Badeline." If she is growly, I ask her, "Are you a Madeline." And when she is blue I tell her "Cheer up Sadeline." If she is being extra super cool though I do tell her she is a Radeline-but she doesn't get it.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Guess How Much I Love You
The other night as I was cuddling with Adeline we were playing the classic, "I love you more than...". She named the planets she knew, "earth, jupiter, mars, pluto." Finally, "the whole universe". And then she said, "I love you more than anyone else could ever love you."
How true.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Drag-and-Drop
MySpace has this handy little feature to rearrange friends into the top eight. I have contemplated the use of it-not too intently, I have better things to think about. I wondered if I should feel obligated to let those who've posted me as their top 8 be on my top 8. I thought about placing friends who have blogs or funny profiles there- but decided that was a lame idea. I could list them starting with my favorite but I don't really have a ranking system for my friends. So, here I am having to decide who is placed in my top 8. No committees, no votes, no pleas from the contestants. I already know Choice in SD gets in the top-have to let people know right off where I stand. Dick Burns gets a top seat-gotta show my undying devotion. April is a given because she's the only one I actually spend considerable time with outside of the MySpace world. But the rest...hmmm. I guess I'll have to rotate. I like them all. Admitingly some I click with more, some I just know better, some I like their silly pictures, a couple I really like what they say and how they say it, and a few I just want easier access to their profiles-I'm one click instead of the time consuming two clicks away.
And all this made me think of what silly things go through my head. MySpace is great because I can get those silly things out and what's even more fun is reading the silly things other people think about. I spend a lot of time reading the blogs of friends. It's nice knowing I can stay connected when snowed in(AGAIN!). Sure there is the phone-but aside from hating to talk on the phone, it takes two people who are free and in the verbal mood to make a phone conversation work. And there is always meeting in person-but then there is the schedule issue again, and the brushing of teeth and putting on a bra and making sure the kid has something to do too. And half the blogs I read are from people who live miles and miles away. So while the before mentioned kid eats a snack, watches planets funniest animals, and writes a letter to Ask magazine(she's a multitasker), I sit here and avoid the mulittasking I could be doing, choosing instead to talk about nothing.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
rebel without a cause
I used to be without a cause. I had opinions-mostly regurgitated religous beliefs. But there were those things I knew (at least on some level)to be right and true-like: Animals, the earth, and the environment are to be protected and respected. And while I used to say homesexuality was a sin I had a girlfriend- although we both denied it to ourselves and the rest of the world. I also knew there was a whole lot about existance that couldn't be explained or proven scientifically(not yet anyway). I could see people beyond what you could see with the eyes. And that love not war was the key to a united planet.---These beliefs have journeyed with me and developed as I've become more educated. But there comes a time when its not enough to believe and one has to fight.
My causes are now many but I still feel like a rebel. Living in this state is hard for a person like me. It's not just my conservative family that I have to defend myself against. Just leaving my home is difficult-realizing I'll be looked down on for my personal appearance, knowing that if I voice my opinions I'll have to defend them, wondering if the person saying "Happy Easter" even considers that I may be Jewish or Pagan or Athiest. There is hardly a day that goes by when I don't wish I lived in a place where I could comfortably be myself. Where I didn't have to fight for the right to choose an abortion, or I could talk about issues without my bloodpressure rising. To walk down the street with pink hair and tats and not be looked at as different. A place that I could WALK to a market and buy fresh organic and local food. I want to be in a place where I can relax. I don't know if a place like that exists. There are cities and states I'd certainly feel more comfortable in but what about the rest of the world? We still have to fight, I still have to fight. When do we get to take a nap knowing that when we wake up we won't have to fight the battles our foremothers(and fathers) had to engage in?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
My goodness, my Guinness
Adeline's humor is developing. And no, I didn't let her drink beer. But she does like the pubs and spinning on barstools(they serve food too, you silly). She's become especially good at carrying on a convincing false scenerio-I do it to her all the time. It's only a lie if there is no smirk behind it. I can see her years from now-sitting in an outdoor beer garden, her butt crack showing(seriously she needs a belt or some suspenders), with a straight face convincing the others at ther table that she is in fact the inspiration for Strawberry Shortcake, and then she turns to the person on her left and asks him to pull her finger, before chugging down her Guinness.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Ha!
I am pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, and gosh darnet people like me.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Fortress of Solitude
I'm sitting here spaced-displaced-my friends replaced by a screen. Last night a boy-I don't even know his name-touched my shoulder as he said goodbye. Human contact! It was as if a surge went through my body-but warm. Not sexual-not attraction-just touch-genuine-casual-human. No walls-no knowledge of each other- no fear of-of what? Fear of what? Why the walls? why? how? Where's the door? Even a window-better yet a wrecking ball. Break it all down-rebuild-yes build it up again but with obvious openings-no secret passages or secret words to get in. But I like my members only club-keeps the baddies out. Keeps a lot of good ones out too-keeps the ones at home out. But why? how? How did the ones at home get locked out? How do they get back in without a wrecking ball? Are they knocking-is my music up to loud? I'm probably asleep-or hiding, waiting, waiting, waiting for them to use the wrecking ball. I'm running from it-I don't want them in here-or they don't want to be here. Maybe I'll just peek out this crack in the wall.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
baby killer and other bad bad things
I've killed aproximately 24 potential babies.That's my estimate based on the months I was on birth control. And of course I'm basing that on the view of all those ignorants who think the morning after pill is a bad bad baby killing drug. But really-the morning after pill is like doubling up on birth control(maybe tripling). It prevents an egg from getting fertilized. If its already fertilized it ain't going to do anything. Do you understand? Maybe I'm not a baby killer after all.
But what happens when the morning after pill wasn't taken in time-or never taken at all. You could always raise a kid you don't want. Smack it around or neglect it. And when its 6 you can relax because you'll have the public school system to raise your child into a most outstanding citizen. Or you could give it to some family who does want a baby-because you know there aren't enough homeless kids out there to go around. Oh but wait people don't want those kids cause they're not as cute as a little baby. So go ahead and carry that baby for nine months to give it up after its born. But be sure to starve yourself so you don't get fat, and be prepared to get fired or expelled when you're too tired to do the work or showing to much be a proper example to your schoolmates-in other words you might have to put a whole lot of your life on hold for a stupid two-minute mistake you made. And maybe it wasn't even your mistake. Maybe you were raped. But wait, I bet its still your fault because your jeans are so low and your boobs so big, or becaue you didn't report your father the first time he started abusing you when .you were 3, or because you had one to many mixed drinks and girls who go out drinking are just looking to get laid anyway..So if your daughter, your sister, your best friend, or hey, maybe even you gets raped one aweful night and you don't want to raise a kid whose eyes match the fuckhead who raped you then there are options. Right?
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
blogging woahs
Sometimes computer comunication really sucks. Oh so many times have I had to re-interpret things taken out of context or explain that I have no apologies for who I am and will write very self-reavealing things about myself. The problem with blogging or internet groups is that people who don't know me read what I post and assume that I'm something I'm not-it can be so hard to convey dry humor or sarcasm or sincerity through journaling. People can't see the sly smile behind the seeming insult or they hear accusation instead of concern in my words. I have such difficulty expressing myself or confronting poeple I know with my voice. So I write my friends letters-the ones who know me well enough to read the words as I mean them, who know when I'm joking and when I'm being sincere. Somehow its easy for me to confront people I don't know because I don't care how they see me just that they know to back off. Like when a strange(probably drunk) man was grabbing at the harness/leash of my friends child and making rude comments about how horrible it was to put a child on a leash. I had no problem then telling him he better keep his hands off children he didn't know and that it was better the child be kept close but not confined rather than totally free to run and get trampled in the crowd or stolen by some pervert. But just writing those words, people who don't know me see me as an aggressive bitch rather than a strong protector. And thus the problem with blogging or posting messages to groups or emailing strangers. Is it going to stop me though. Of course not.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The old woman who lived in the shoe
Starting in jr.high I decided that if I were going to have kids it would be through adoption. That thought continued up until the point I found out I was pregnant. Then I realized I no longer wanted to share a life with my husband let alone have another child with him. Later I hooked up with someone who didn't want anymore kids either. But Life evolves. We evolved. We've figured out what we want in life and part of that is more children. Like in Raising Arizona: as voiced over by H.I. "and Ed thought that havin a critter was the next logical step. It was all she thought about. Her point was that there was too much love and beauty for just the two of us. And every day we kept a child out of the world was a day he might later regret having missed. That was beautiful."
And so two miscarriages within a year later I start thinking about adoption. And I keep being reminded of it everywhere-two ukraine boys need adopted as posted in a homeschool group, a customer of the organic co-op coming in with their adopted brood, adoption seminars offered in the newpaper, a blip about it in a book I'm reading. So I bring up the idea to Josh and he seems to think its a pretty good idea(which is rare because every new idea he usually has to argue with first-its a nurtured thing) And of course I get right on the internet and start researching it. And guess what I find.
Once again a pretty effed up system. ( this is international adoption standards I didn't even check out domestic adoption) Single men, gays, and unmarried partners need not apply. Sure single women can apply but as a "single" women I have no income seeing as how I'm also a homemaker. And good luck finding a social woker in this area who will approve of a couple living in sin during the homestudy(where they come to your home and make sure you'll provide a safe environment).
The three of us have different last names but we're a family. We're more a family than a lot of married folks I know. I'm a mother. Its what I'm good at. I didn't realize it for a long time but its what I'm meant to do. Adeline wants brothers and sisters-she's just too social and caring not to have more kids to grow up with. Josh can make anyone laugh and he has a lot of great interests to share with kids. We've proven to ourselves and a lot of others that we're committed to stay toghether as a family. Josh and I have so much to offer children and its just not fair that Adeline is the only one who gets to benefit from it. There's too much love and beauty in the world for just the three of us.
I haven't given up. We'll keep trying the pregnancy thing and the adoption thing but if little Nathan Jr. ends up missing from the Arizona house you know who took him.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The fake life of...
I'm sure everyone on MySpace has had the fake friend request. A tight body or funny faced profile will ask you to be their friend so you check out their page. Suprise!-its all fake-they're trying to sell you something. Sometimes its a neat gadget or way to make money. Sometimes their selling their sexy selves. What's disturbing to me though is the not-so-fake profile of people trying to sell themselves. These are the real people. People you may be friends with and for all you know I may be one. The ones who entice you with their misleading pictures and fun and maybe a little naughty interests. Maybe its how they see themselves or who they'd like to be. But its not them. Then they attract all these people who are interested in the same things. They keep corresponding. Eventually they gain respect, or friendship, or love. They sign their comments with intimate little phrases and a "muah" or two. But they never meet. Why? Because they're big fat fakes. They don't look like that-even if they did at one time. They aren't fun loving adventurers who spend all their time outdoors. They probably spend most their time on the computer interacting with people who think they're something they're not.
Now do I think this is wrong. Not necessarily. One of the great things about computer freindships is the ambiguity. The control of you and your world. It can be fun and exciting. If your computer friends are being nasty you can be nasty back or you can ignore them. Whatever.
What I think is wrong is...well there's two things wrong. First its the hope that the faker gives that they'll meet. "Oh I just might show up there" but they never do of course. So its unapolegetically and intentionally misleading a person into believing they can be more than computer buddies.
Second and this is the thing that is just way wrong is using your fake profile to make others look like they're something their not. I've seen people I know and not know do this. For instance and hypothetically say my friend April(she's first on my friends list) and I have a big falling out. So I post pictures of her or direct people to her sight and tell people what a superficial idiot she is because she's always laughing-you know because poeple who laugh all the time don't ever think of anything serious or have real problems. When actually I love that she laughs a lot and always greets me with a smile. Its comforting and warm and counteracts the permanent scowl I seem to have. And I know her deep thoughts and her struggles as well as her silly and fun side. But you can't see all that she is from her profile. So if I told you differently and you trusted me you'd believe me. So here in lies the problems with meeting people and becoming their friend exclusively on the internet.
If I had a camera-seriously I must have lost it, probably at my daughters dance rehearsal- I'd take a nearly nude picture of myself to show you all my flabbyness-a picture of the rooms in my house that I've avoided cleaning for a long time, the stacks of magazines and layers of dust-a picture of my smile to show you exactly why I don't smile often-a picture of me wasting time in front of this computer screen when its clearly a beautiful day outside- a picture of me sleeping and a sound clip of me snoring when its a beautiful morning that I could be out enjoying-and picture of my schedule, if I had one written, to show you just how many parts of the day I do waste.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
yet another reason to flee
Why do the hills have to offer so much solace and hightened spirituality? Why do the stars have to be so abundant and bright? Why does the air have to smell so distinctly seasonal and clear? Why do I have to feel comfortable letting my kid play outside without complete and total supervision? Why does housing have to be so afforable (at least for people who earn a living wage)? Why did I let myself become attached to people who live here? Why do I have to be happy with so much about this state and be driven out by the laws its politicians and many of its residents want to impose?
HB1215 takes away a womans choice to have an aboriton even if she was impregnated by rape or incest and even if her health is in jeapordy. That right there says a lot about how SD values women.
Now I learn about Amendment C. "Only marriage between a man and a woman shall be valid or recognized in South Dakota. The uniting of two or more persons in civil union, domestic partnership, or other quasi-marital relationship shall not be valid or recognized in South Dakota."
When I was a little girl I didn't dream of that "one special day". I still don't want to get married, its a waste of time and money as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to put on a dress and be the center of attention. I don't care to prove to friends, family and the government, with a ceremony, a ring, or a piece of paper that I've made a commitment to my partner. I don't want to be labeled or introduced as someone's wife as if me as a person was somehow lost or changed. I don't want that day to be the highlight of my life and everything before or after becomes something of little value.
However I don't want my partnership to be viewed as less than a marriage. I don't want to be introduced by people I consider family as "a friend" and I want to be included in their family photos. When my partner and I have trouble I don't want others to be okay with us breaking up or to not encourage us to stay together just because we haven't stood in front of someone that says we're now married. I want to be able to share health benefits. I want to know that if either of us ever gets admitted to ICU that we'll be able to visit each other and if something really serious ever happens, my partner, the one who knows me best and knows my wishes, will be able to make medical decisions for me.
We have made the commitment. Either of us could easily pack up and part without lawyers and a court battle. But we're together. I have lived as a domestic partner and homemaker for four years. We decided to have kids and nearly did-that whole miscarriage thing being a little bump in the road. We plan for the future. We work together to make our lives better. This is our house. Our relationship is our responsibility. We love, we laugh, we get angry, we get hurt. We sleep together, we travel together, we eat nearly every evening meal together at the table rarely ever with the tv on. We are a family, we're both responsible for adeline-her education, her health, her well-being.
But South Dakota(its politicians and many of its people) don't want us to have the rights of a family. They want to view a man and a woman united legally as the only kind of marriage. They want to allow rights to only that specific kind of commitment. South Dakota is discriminating-and anyone who votes yes on Amendment C is discriminating. If you want to help in more ways than a vote visit http://www.southdakotansagainstdiscrimination.org/
Discrimination is not a thing of the past. Just when we think we're advancing as a civilization, a group of people have to come up with something like this. A group of poeple who think their way is the only way has to make their way law for everyone. Think for a minute(preferably longer) how many people this Amendment is hurting.
Monday, May 15, 2006
for all my fans-or mostly just me
Eventually I will blog again. For days I can't think of anything to write and then bam! I have three entries running loose in my head waiting to be set free into the internet world. For now all I will say is that I'm eating split pea soup, planning a garden, listening to April go on and on and on( I'm teasing) about all the boys in her ports, wishing I could get kissed, kicking the cat-I mean gently placing the cat outside, letting adeline write on my shoes, fighting some allergy that makes my eyes itch and my snot run,-(which probably doesn't make me desirable for kissing), avoiding the dishes, procrastinating on my emails, and waiting ever so patiently for the weather to stay warm enough for flip flops and a tank top.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I'm rubber you're glue...
Adeline calls me "Lamey". I suggested she do so. I thought it fair since when she is moody I call her a names. When she is ornry I tell her, "Quit being a Badeline." If she is growly, I ask her, "Are you a Madeline." And when she is blue I tell her "Cheer up Sadeline." If she is being extra super cool though I do tell her she is a Radeline-but she doesn't get it.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Guess How Much I Love You
The other night as I was cuddling with Adeline we were playing the classic, "I love you more than...". She named the planets she knew, "earth, jupiter, mars, pluto." Finally, "the whole universe". And then she said, "I love you more than anyone else could ever love you."
How true.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Drag-and-Drop
MySpace has this handy little feature to rearrange friends into the top eight. I have contemplated the use of it-not too intently, I have better things to think about. I wondered if I should feel obligated to let those who've posted me as their top 8 be on my top 8. I thought about placing friends who have blogs or funny profiles there- but decided that was a lame idea. I could list them starting with my favorite but I don't really have a ranking system for my friends. So, here I am having to decide who is placed in my top 8. No committees, no votes, no pleas from the contestants. I already know Choice in SD gets in the top-have to let people know right off where I stand. Dick Burns gets a top seat-gotta show my undying devotion. April is a given because she's the only one I actually spend considerable time with outside of the MySpace world. But the rest...hmmm. I guess I'll have to rotate. I like them all. Admitingly some I click with more, some I just know better, some I like their silly pictures, a couple I really like what they say and how they say it, and a few I just want easier access to their profiles-I'm one click instead of the time consuming two clicks away.
And all this made me think of what silly things go through my head. MySpace is great because I can get those silly things out and what's even more fun is reading the silly things other people think about. I spend a lot of time reading the blogs of friends. It's nice knowing I can stay connected when snowed in(AGAIN!). Sure there is the phone-but aside from hating to talk on the phone, it takes two people who are free and in the verbal mood to make a phone conversation work. And there is always meeting in person-but then there is the schedule issue again, and the brushing of teeth and putting on a bra and making sure the kid has something to do too. And half the blogs I read are from people who live miles and miles away. So while the before mentioned kid eats a snack, watches planets funniest animals, and writes a letter to Ask magazine(she's a multitasker), I sit here and avoid the mulittasking I could be doing, choosing instead to talk about nothing.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
rebel without a cause
I used to be without a cause. I had opinions-mostly regurgitated religous beliefs. But there were those things I knew (at least on some level)to be right and true-like: Animals, the earth, and the environment are to be protected and respected. And while I used to say homesexuality was a sin I had a girlfriend- although we both denied it to ourselves and the rest of the world. I also knew there was a whole lot about existance that couldn't be explained or proven scientifically(not yet anyway). I could see people beyond what you could see with the eyes. And that love not war was the key to a united planet.---These beliefs have journeyed with me and developed as I've become more educated. But there comes a time when its not enough to believe and one has to fight.
My causes are now many but I still feel like a rebel. Living in this state is hard for a person like me. It's not just my conservative family that I have to defend myself against. Just leaving my home is difficult-realizing I'll be looked down on for my personal appearance, knowing that if I voice my opinions I'll have to defend them, wondering if the person saying "Happy Easter" even considers that I may be Jewish or Pagan or Athiest. There is hardly a day that goes by when I don't wish I lived in a place where I could comfortably be myself. Where I didn't have to fight for the right to choose an abortion, or I could talk about issues without my bloodpressure rising. To walk down the street with pink hair and tats and not be looked at as different. A place that I could WALK to a market and buy fresh organic and local food. I want to be in a place where I can relax. I don't know if a place like that exists. There are cities and states I'd certainly feel more comfortable in but what about the rest of the world? We still have to fight, I still have to fight. When do we get to take a nap knowing that when we wake up we won't have to fight the battles our foremothers(and fathers) had to engage in?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
My goodness, my Guinness
Adeline's humor is developing. And no, I didn't let her drink beer. But she does like the pubs and spinning on barstools(they serve food too, you silly). She's become especially good at carrying on a convincing false scenerio-I do it to her all the time. It's only a lie if there is no smirk behind it. I can see her years from now-sitting in an outdoor beer garden, her butt crack showing(seriously she needs a belt or some suspenders), with a straight face convincing the others at ther table that she is in fact the inspiration for Strawberry Shortcake, and then she turns to the person on her left and asks him to pull her finger, before chugging down her Guinness.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Ha!
I am pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, and gosh darnet people like me.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Fortress of Solitude
I'm sitting here spaced-displaced-my friends replaced by a screen. Last night a boy-I don't even know his name-touched my shoulder as he said goodbye. Human contact! It was as if a surge went through my body-but warm. Not sexual-not attraction-just touch-genuine-casual-human. No walls-no knowledge of each other- no fear of-of what? Fear of what? Why the walls? why? how? Where's the door? Even a window-better yet a wrecking ball. Break it all down-rebuild-yes build it up again but with obvious openings-no secret passages or secret words to get in. But I like my members only club-keeps the baddies out. Keeps a lot of good ones out too-keeps the ones at home out. But why? how? How did the ones at home get locked out? How do they get back in without a wrecking ball? Are they knocking-is my music up to loud? I'm probably asleep-or hiding, waiting, waiting, waiting for them to use the wrecking ball. I'm running from it-I don't want them in here-or they don't want to be here. Maybe I'll just peek out this crack in the wall.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
baby killer and other bad bad things
I've killed aproximately 24 potential babies.That's my estimate based on the months I was on birth control. And of course I'm basing that on the view of all those ignorants who think the morning after pill is a bad bad baby killing drug. But really-the morning after pill is like doubling up on birth control(maybe tripling). It prevents an egg from getting fertilized. If its already fertilized it ain't going to do anything. Do you understand? Maybe I'm not a baby killer after all.
But what happens when the morning after pill wasn't taken in time-or never taken at all. You could always raise a kid you don't want. Smack it around or neglect it. And when its 6 you can relax because you'll have the public school system to raise your child into a most outstanding citizen. Or you could give it to some family who does want a baby-because you know there aren't enough homeless kids out there to go around. Oh but wait people don't want those kids cause they're not as cute as a little baby. So go ahead and carry that baby for nine months to give it up after its born. But be sure to starve yourself so you don't get fat, and be prepared to get fired or expelled when you're too tired to do the work or showing to much be a proper example to your schoolmates-in other words you might have to put a whole lot of your life on hold for a stupid two-minute mistake you made. And maybe it wasn't even your mistake. Maybe you were raped. But wait, I bet its still your fault because your jeans are so low and your boobs so big, or becaue you didn't report your father the first time he started abusing you when .you were 3, or because you had one to many mixed drinks and girls who go out drinking are just looking to get laid anyway..So if your daughter, your sister, your best friend, or hey, maybe even you gets raped one aweful night and you don't want to raise a kid whose eyes match the fuckhead who raped you then there are options. Right?
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
blogging woahs
Sometimes computer comunication really sucks. Oh so many times have I had to re-interpret things taken out of context or explain that I have no apologies for who I am and will write very self-reavealing things about myself. The problem with blogging or internet groups is that people who don't know me read what I post and assume that I'm something I'm not-it can be so hard to convey dry humor or sarcasm or sincerity through journaling. People can't see the sly smile behind the seeming insult or they hear accusation instead of concern in my words. I have such difficulty expressing myself or confronting poeple I know with my voice. So I write my friends letters-the ones who know me well enough to read the words as I mean them, who know when I'm joking and when I'm being sincere. Somehow its easy for me to confront people I don't know because I don't care how they see me just that they know to back off. Like when a strange(probably drunk) man was grabbing at the harness/leash of my friends child and making rude comments about how horrible it was to put a child on a leash. I had no problem then telling him he better keep his hands off children he didn't know and that it was better the child be kept close but not confined rather than totally free to run and get trampled in the crowd or stolen by some pervert. But just writing those words, people who don't know me see me as an aggressive bitch rather than a strong protector. And thus the problem with blogging or posting messages to groups or emailing strangers. Is it going to stop me though. Of course not.
LiveJournal Posts
Serenity
[Jan. 25th, 200612:21 pm]
Blosser bought me Serenity. Yesterday we watched it. Good thing I'm not hormonal or else I wouldn't be able to hold back the tears. And it wasn't because certain people died. It was just amazing to experience. It is totally beyond stupid that more poeple don't recognize that kind of writing, visual story telling, acting, the whole world of Serenity/Firefly as being the amazing creation that it is. I expected Shepard to die, I was thinking Inara would(she didn't), and was really sad about Wash(I've loved him since that first scene where he was playing with his toy dinosaurs). But if it had to happen to someone it had to be him because Zoe is the only person strong enough to handle her partners death. My only complaint...Who the hell is that person on the front of the DVD cover! I understand the movie was about uncovering River's mystery but that is NOT River on the front. What more can I say. There aren't a whole lot of mainstream minds who can get my awe over Joss and his worlds. But I'm glad they're out there.
why mothers and homemakers go insane
[Jan. 22nd, 200608:06 pm]
This is what I have to say to my daughter who is 7 and acts like cleaning her room is the worst thing to experience..."Try cleaning a whole house. Try coming up with a lifetime of healthy meals that satisfy three(or more) different tastes. Try leaving the house when your kid won't until her every hair is in place, her makeup is just right, and her clothes match perfectly. Try raising a kid at all. Try living each day feeling disrespected, unappreciated, unadored, and rejected by people who are supposed to love you. Try doing all that, enjoying most of it, and remaining positive that the not-so-great parts will magically be transformed into a beautiful place with flowers and butterflies and pretty fairies and fountains of wine and handsome men and gorgeous women are there to give you massages with happy endings and fan you with banana leaves and feed you grapes and oranges dipped in chocoate.......
forgiviness
[Jan. 16th, 200611:19 am]
"In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly orunjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered.All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in alarge circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribespeaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things theperson in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident,every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, isrecounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, andkindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony oftenlasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyouscelebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literallywelcomed back into the tribe... as the Buddha said: ‘Hatred will never ceaseby hatred. By love alone is it healed.’"as described by Alice Walker inSent by Earth: A Message from the Grandmother SpiritThis was posted in a homeschool internet group I belong to. It speaks to me. It's a message in a line of synchronistic events in my life currently. Before I received the message I was trying to use the Tibetan singing bowl to pray for health. I couldn't get it to hum. Then I opened and read the above message. It helped me realize that in order for my immune system to be at its best and for my health to improve I need to let go of the blockages in my energy/psyche. I prayed again with the singing bowl this time giving forgiveness to those who've hurt me. My focus was attuned, the bowl hummed, and I felt at peace. I know that I have to continue everyday to remember those people are forgiven and I have to actually convey that message directly to them. But this first step is very important.
Happy Holidays
[Jan. 3rd, 200609:18 am]
My holidays are finally over. I celebrated the Winter Solstice with a commitment/candle ceremony to renew my spirituality. Then we had about three different present opening christmases with family-i guess we'll have to have a couple more of those when adeline comes home so I'm not done with that yet. Then our annual New Years party. The party was great. The weather was the warmest its ever been so watching the ball drop was actually enjoyable. We had about 11 people pass out at our house. This year we had a bigger ratio of girls to boys which was a totally different dynamic. More drama, more whining about who was going to get the couch or the beds, more giggling and hugging. And I have to say I outdid myself with the food. Of course we had our two biggest traditions-the turduken and Jeremy's pleather pants.I have to ask-Are all those opposed to "Happy Holiday" and pushing so hard for "Merry Christmas" going to be the New Nazis? Christians are the ones who stuck their holiday into the Winter Solstice where our ancestors celebrated the lenghtening of the days and the coming of the "Sun" as opposed to the "Son". I don't know which came first Hanukkah or Christmas and I'm pretty ignorant about Kwanza too. But I do know all this taking Christ out of christmas is dumb. Most of the the things associated with Christmas don't have anything to do with it in the first place-Yule logs, lights, holly, red and green-its a Yule thing not a christmas thing. Why can't we just celebrate it all, huh. And frankly, the New Year is what I look forward to most. The crowds are yelling happy greeting to each other, there is so much happiness and fun. The combintation of food and spirits and family and sparkles. Its the most peace on earth good will toward men holiday here in deadwood and I imagine lots of other places too. So happy effing holidays to all of you.
and the tears came...again
[Dec. 15th, 200508:53 am]
I did something stupid. I turned on Buffy knowing full well "The Body" was going to be on. I wouldn't have watched it but the satellite radio was being problematic and I needed something to listen to or watch while I ate my cheerios. Of course that episode always makes me cry at some point-usually when Anya gets upset about not knowing how to react to Joyce's death. But the minute I began watching it I teared up and wanted to bawl. I've been doing that a lot lately:when I read adeline a sappy bedtime story, when some guy proposed on Queer Eye, when I'm in the shower and the water pelts my back muscles into relaxation. For a few weeks(4long weeks) I could blame it on the pregnancy hormones leaving my body-but even then I defied the emotions, knowing full well they were laced with hormones. But now I'm wondering if I did the wrong thing. Even though those feelings were mostly due to chemical imbalance I'm wondering if maybe I should have grieved. I cried when the doctor confirmed my fear that the pregnancy was blighted but even then I forced back the tears. I knew intuitively there was no baby even though my body carried on the pregnancy for another month. And even now I'm not all that upset that I have to try again-it gives me more time to get in better shape and hey, now I can drink at the New Years Party. So why do I still get emotional at stupid things? Experiences that aren't mine and don't apply directly to me. It's confusing, and weak, and irrational and I have to stop doing it because there are bigger things in the world and in life to deal with.
that time of year again
[Dec. 7th, 200509:54 am]
It's getting closer to the time I have to take Adeline to stay with her Papa for awhile. She'll only be gone three weeks but still the old anxiety is coming back. He's not a horrible person but I don't feel she's safe with him. Mostly I worry about her mental and emotional health when she's with him(or my mom). Their religion teaches hate and that's the biggest problem I have with her spending any time with them. He doesn't spend the quality time with her that I do-leaves her with people he doesn't know. And he feeds her too much gross junk food. Of course he disciplines differently and she has to learn and relearn what his rules are. I fear he doesn't have the understanding that I do when she does something wrong. At least she won't have to deal with him talking to his 2nd ex-wife or with the ex-wife being there. If that where the case she wouldn't be going to visit him ever. I have lots planned to keep me busy but that doesn't stop the saddness of her being so far away.
Wiccan Pride
[Nov. 28th, 200502:07 pm]
It is snowing. Big fluffy drifts of snow out there. We had chocolate chip cookies and milk for dinner last night. It's the perfect thing for cold days.I am bugged by these people who play witch or act all new agey or goth to impress people. Spirituality to me has never been about impressing people-in fact that was one of the things I hated most about Christian Church-all the people trying to put on a good show. I remember making the decision to quit dressing up for Sunday service. I understand having an interest in Wicca but not really knowing where to begin or how much of oneself to commit. I went through that. It's easy to claim Wicca and even do a few ceremonies or rituals on the full moons and the sabbats. But it felt empty to me. Sure, I so dug the concept of treating people and the earth with respect. I loved the search for balance between the feminine and masculine. And I could really relate to the mysticism that comes with being aware of the spiritual realm. Bu I never wanted to call myself Wiccan or a Witch. But I also had trouble labeling myself because I so despise limiting myself with labels and also because I hate the pre-conceived ideas people have about any label, especially Wicca. But over the past few months I've begun caring little about what others think. I've always had a little bit of that attitude that's why I got tats and piercings and dyed my hair pink. But then I decided why should I look "cool" just to get the "cool kids" to talk to me? So I took out my tongue ring, took the dye out of my hair, and started dressing like a normal conservative suburban mom. No, I didn't really do that last thing, I just couldn't do that. Bu you get my point. I want to dress for me. I want to listen to the music that makes me happy not because its cool or because I want to be one of those music elitest snobs who thinks every known band is just a rip off of some not-so-known band. If I want to listen to New Kids On The Block I will. And I want to practice Wicca for me-not to freak out conservatives, or impress punk ass kids, or even to increase my ability to see spirits. I read The Circle Within by Dianne Sylvan recently. I was impressed with her style of writing as well as her message. It was just the thing to get me motivated to do what I've been too lazy to do. I'm planning a dedication this Winter Solstice and hopefully in a year after lots of study and practice, I can initiate myself into Wicca. I want to really know it and live it. I want to be able to easily defend it without throwing it in peoples faces. It won't be the only thing in my life but its one of the things I want to have pride in.
I need to vent
[Nov. 15th, 200504:14 pm]
So I vented but then I deleted it all. Do I feel better? No. Venting solves nothing when the right person won't hear it or read it.
yes, i'm a horrible journaler
[Oct. 21st, 200510:01 am]
We went to Yellowstone at the end of September. Not too many tourists. It was really kind of amazing. I was almost expecting the whole typical tourist thing but its actually not a good touristy place. I'm used to the Black Hills where its okay to shoot cyotes on farmland, deer in your yard, and mountain lions just because they are there. But there is such respect for wildlife and and the land in Yellowstone. Granted part of that is becuase if you step off the trail in the wrong place you become human soup-but still they are trying to keep the place as natural and wild as possible. Lots of raw positive energy surronding the place. Homeschooling is going well. We have a nice little groove. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough but then I notice other kids and can see she is still ahead of them acedemically. And she is a natural social butterfly so no impediments there. Its great to have the opportunity(and the mindset) that anything can be a learning experience. Instead of just dragging her along to run errands or go to doctor appointments she actually is a part of my life and learns about life through experience.I have a lot of soapbox topics I've ranted about in my head over the past couple of months but I won't bother writing them here now. Maybe later.
happiness is...
[Aug. 1st, 200501:04 pm]
I've come to realize how thankful I am for the many joys in my life-especially within in the last year or so...I became more emotionally stable than I had been in a long time- partially because I fully rid myself of the hurt and rejection I felt when I was with Eric and even after we seperated. I found focus and purpose in life. I've become more involved and responsible for my child's education. I finally found some wonderful friends who didn't flake out on me. I started meeting people of like mind and began realizing there is diversity in this area even if it has to be sought out. I've learned to finish drywall and do it quite well. I let my creativity come out while redecorating/renovating the house. I know that a hard days work can completely transform an ugly room into a most amazing space. I submitted to a few magazines and was finally accepted to one-a niche magazine but a respectable one in that niche. I became mobil which has allowed my the independance to explore my areas of interest and to keep in contact with friends. I discovered some publications that are teaching me a great deal about politics, feminism, wicca, healthy lifestyle, and other interests. I feel I can confidently say I'm a good cook-I enjoy cooking and using healthy tasty ingredients in my dishes. I can finally say that I can grow a big ol' tomato plant-although mother nature is doing most the work. I taught myself to knit a scarf. I fininshed embroidering adeline's curtains and think they are as lovely as anything Martha Stewart can come up with. I got my hideous tattoo covered with a purdy fairy and now feel much more comfortable in a tank top. I developed a taste to coffee and I found a beer that I like-its German. And finally-I have a nightstand.So thanks foremost to Josh for providing me the opportunity to live a happy fullfilling life-and for being a wonderful partner to share it with. Thanks especially to Adeline for making motherhood the most blessed event. Thanks to my mom for instilling a love of SciFi becasue Stargate in really getting awesome and awesome entertainment also makes me smile. Thanks to my old friends and to my new-without them I'd personify everything from my pencil to the blender just to have someone to talk to.
[Jun. 12th, 200508:19 pm]
Nothing super fantastic has happenend recently in my own little world. And nothing in the big wide world I feel like commenting on. I have some thoughts formulating on fat and societies view of beauty-or more specifically the frat boys view of beauty. Yes I'm stereo-typing when I say "frat boy". I really appreciate the pockets of creative and open-minded people I've found around here but still I feel there is not a strong enough sense of community. I want to feel at home. I have such difficulty taking those first few steps to make friends. When I do, I feel I either give off those desperate-to-be-liked vibes or I am closed off. And its not that I'm desperate to be liked because I like who I am. It's more that I want to find people who are even willing to form friendships. I think maybe I and the pockets of people I've found have been used to living in an environment where we have to protect ourselves from the ones who look down on us just for being who we are. We're used to not letting people in because in part we don't expect there to be others like us. For example it took several months of picking our kids up from preschool for Erika and I to actually talk and it only took one conversation to know we liked each other.Of course I don't want people exactly like me. I just want community with people who can learn from and respect each other. I don't want to complain too much, I think it is slowly starting to happen. Not on a large scale-I'm just finding some of those pockets and assimilating myself into them. I think that's the main reason I like bigger cities. I can find neighborhoods where it feels comfortable to just be in them-I don't have to be noticed and I don't feel like an outsider. Hmm, this is spawning way to many avenues of thought for me to explore. Avenues I need to follow before I can write about it further.
renewal
[Apr. 21st, 200512:23 pm]
With the Spring comes renewal. I've been renewing all over the place. We've started a Feng Shui makover on the house and yard. Instinctually we'd already made most of it attractive to positive energy. But already we can feel and see the affects of a little re-arranging.I had physically cleaned and smudged(using sage incense and Reiki) the main floor of the house on the equinox but soon after that we had a little break in. Two little poop-heads in the neighborhood, playmates of adeline even, broke into our house while we were away. The stealing of our quarters wasn't so bad but the going through ALL our drawers and being in our personal space was very violating. They even went through my portable alter/ceremony box. So before I could even cleanse the house I had to cleanse my ceremony stuff. The Feng Shui has made a differnce with that too. Already I feel more protected and the negative cloud that was hanging over our house has lifted.I've been feeling the need to connect again with people I haven't talked to in a while. Usually when I get that way it is because I'm feeling trapped and alone. But this time I'm moving forward. I've been meeting new friends and connecting with people locally. I guess the new friendships remind me to not forget the old ones. I love my friends. They add so much to my life and have taught me so much about myself and how they see the world. I appreciate especially you Karrie, Blosser, Darshan, Sheli, Mike, and Tim. Even if we go for months without writing there is always a piece of you that is a piece of me.
what's so special about today?
[Apr. 11th, 200509:46 am]
Okay so the best April 11th I've ever had was so totally not focused on me but at the same time it was so much about who I am. I didn't get any presents that I remember or attend any parties. No national or global event worth remembering took place. But I can always use that date of that year(1997)to remember the part of me I often keep restrained. Even though I've shared the memory with others I keep the feeling and detatils like a treasure locked inside to remind myself that at any moment, for no drastic reason, I have the ability to put day-to-day life on hold and make an adventure. To travel just to travel. With little money,a not-so-reliable vehicle, blankets and a tent, and of course a companion. Karrie understands, she shared the day with me. It wasn't the first adventure we shared, or the last. It wasn't even the most significant. It was probably the only one that was just the two of us and of course my birthday happened to fall on that particular outing but even that didn't make it any more special. But it does give me a reference to compare all my other adventures to. And it gives me a reason to let that part of myself live and occasionally let it roam. I don't want my best birthday to be at such a young age and I don't want to look back on my life and think "those were the days". Hopefully one of my adventures will fall again on my birthday so that that memory won't have it's own pedastal but until then I keep it up there to remind me to leave the house a mess, pack a bag, and just go.
reddened skin
[Apr. 7th, 200506:27 pm]
Warm sunny days are upon us. Adeline and I already got the years first sunburns. And of course Josh gave me a spanking for not remembering to use sunblock. April is birthday month. A time to kinda mourn youth and the wasted hours being depressed, bored, and lazy. At least I'm getting published before thirty. Like I wrote Blosser, whose birthday is also this month, lets party like it's 1982. We were 6, our lives were yet to be lived, and getting up in the morning for a half day of kindergarten was such a big deal. The Salem Park premiere is tomorrow night. We're excited to dress up and go support our friends contribution to the film-and to see the film itself.Every day grows closer to the time Adeline leaves me for two months and every day I get a little more anxious at her leaving.
Spring Equinox
[Mar. 21st, 200501:59 pm]
Winter stood me up again. But that's okay I have a new love to wait for. Spring. It's officially here. Of course winter is jealous and threatening to return. Right now it's only teasing me with cold rain and a few flurries.I did some spring cleaning. Swept out the negative energy and invited the positive in and protected the house with Reiki. I had planned to dye eggs with adeline using natural ingredients-onion skins, beet juice, tea, ginger, etc. But I was feeling ill so I've put it off til we can really enjoy it.
waiting
[Mar. 18th, 200502:15 pm]
I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. For winter to show up and bring its overnight bag-I'm sick of these one night stands. For spring which is technically supposed to blossom this sunday. For my new addiction to absorb into my blood and brain and give me the energy to follow through to the end on one of my projects. Waiting to be pretty enough or smart enough or confidant enough to grab life by the tits and squeeze. This time of year is purgatory.
the year of the rooster
[Feb. 25th, 200501:01 pm]
As with any holiday big or small Deadwood plans to celebrate in a big way. At least I can use this one as a learning experience for adeline. If I were a proper drama queen I'd have an outfit for all these celebrations. Actually I found a lovely dress and slippers in The Pyramid Collection catalog that would be perfect for The Chinese New Year.I got the Houchin family reunion invite today. I'm looking forward to it but I'm also dreading it. I don't know how I'll react to my abusive uncle who has never owned up to his disgusting ways, my cousins who now think I'm heathen or something, and my father who has never seen my six year old daughter. I don't know what to expect but I'm going to make an appearance if only to face my "demons".
Unitarian Universalist Faith
[Jan. 27th, 200505:05 pm]
Here I will describe to the best of my ability what I believe as Unitarian Universalist. For an expert view on the subject I read(and you can too) "A Chosen Faith" by J.Buehrens and F.Church.*UUs refer to the wisdoms of the worlds religions, including but not limited to Judaism and Christianity, and the worlds philosophies, such as Buddhism. We take what is good and true from religion/philosophy and apply it to our lives. The universal truth of most religions is some form of the belief that we should live our lives without causing physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional harm to others.*UUs believe in equality of every human no matter what race, gender, sexual preference, religion, age, marital status, height, disability, personalitly, astrological sign, weight, etc.*UUs strive to make the earth healthy.*UUs believe in religious experience-those transcending experiences that can't be explained away and that alter our drive, personality, and sense of awareness for the better.*UUs don't imagine God to be a man in flowing white robes, who sits in a giant castle with pearly gates, who orders about the angels and the humans. UUs define God for themselves but most agree that God is a presence greater than humans and at the same time within each of us. UUs give God many names and accept that others may have a different name for the same presence they are in awe of. Some say "Allah", some say "Goddess", Some say "Great Spirit", I say "Divine Presence" and sometimes "Love" or for simplicity sake just "God".*Many UUs follow spiritual teachings of Earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature. I am one of those UUs. I do not call myself pagan or witch or wiccan but I am devoted to the wiccan way and I do celebrate the natural holidays(called Sabbats). But I also acknowledge and celebrate the christian holidays and commercial holidays and would like to learn more about and celebrate other holidays such as Day of the Dead or Yom Kippur.*UUs heed the guidance of reason and the results of science. *UUs believe that religion is personal but also acknowledge the importance of community. Though each UU has a seperate and deeply personal religous path we accept each other and provide support.*Many UUs don't believe that Jesus was resurected. This is how I explain what I believe to my 6 year old. "Everyone has a spirit-a spirit is our thoughts and feelings that we can't see or touch. Our bodies are the things our spirit lives in. Our bodies get sick and old and eventually die. God is that feeling in us that makes us want to treat each others nice and love everyone. Jesus had a lot of that feeling, probably more than most. His body died. But maybe because he had so much of that good feeling in him, so much God in him, his body was able to come back to life. I don't know but I believe it is possible because there are a lot of things I don't yet understand." For more info on UU visit www.uua.org
Whoo Hoo
[Jan. 26th, 200505:21 pm]
I will be published in the March issue of The Beltane Papers. The magazine is a beautifully put together publication of essays, poems, artwork, etc. by earth-centered spiritual women. My essay along with many of the essays in there are poetic and personal. It will be my first time being published and I'm proud of the essay as well as the place it will first appear to the public.Being published has given me a great sense of accomplishment and a drive to continue writing and submitting.
[Jan. 22nd, 200502:21 pm]
Finally attended the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Rapid. It was weird being in a church type setting again. But the casual atmosphere and friendly people made it easier. There are a few pagans and no "preacher". From what I understand anyone has a chance to give the presentation. It is just nice to be around people who are open minded and willing to converse about things of substance.
As of Late
[Nov. 29th, 200411:32 am]
We decided to Homeschool full time after researching "afterschooling". Classical Education is the way to go and might as well go all the way with it. I've been researching like mad, joined a couple support groups, and have already figured out her curriculum for grade One(and some of grades 2-4). I'm really excited to get started-I think adeline will really enjoy it too. She'll get to meet lots of different people and learn things she wouldn't otherwise learn. There is even a strings instrument course specifically for homeschoolers and we could learn togegher. I've always wanted to play the cello and she could learn the violin. We could have our own little orchestra-josh could play the tringle-ooh or the symbols. I can also get her involved in Martial Arts or if she wants continue her in dance.We hosted Thanksgiving. It was pleasant. I enjoy cooking for a lot of people even when I dump a whole apple crisp out on the oven door. Our new table was even delivered in time to show it off. My aunt Jeri is a sociable person and I enjoy visiting with her.I invited April to our New Years bash. She's one of the cool dance moms. I hope she can make it-throw some new people into the mix-not that the old standbys aren't great-in fact I'm really looking forward to seeing them again! It's never too early to start planning for the New Year. I'm thinking a mod 60's theme this year-with chex mix, martinnis, and little cocktail weenies.
What's new with me
[Nov. 13th, 200412:46 pm]
The house looks really good-like a home-comfy and cozy. It's almost worthy to entertain in-not that the squatter look before stopped us from having company.I've been researching classical education so that I can "afterschool" adeline. I don't want her to be just another idiot kid produced by the public school system-unable to think analytically and come to the logical conclusion. A classical education will give her the mental resources she needs to explore her world to the fullest instead of learning only a limited view point. Plus it will get my own noggin working again-I'll be able to reschool myself. Been moody lately and sensitive-not just the p.m.s.ey kind of moody either. Part of it is I haven't gotten away from home for awhile. I always feel good after adelines dance class because there I have cool people to talk to. I ordered a bunch of books too that will keep my mind busy.I think I've found a religious organization I can fully respect. I'll have to research it more and attend a couple services before I know for sure. It's Unitarian Universalism-It's jewish/christian based but it accepts and integrates other religions and philosophies. It recognizes the Bible as an important book historically, theologically, and morally but doesn't use it as its only guideline nor think it's infallible. God is not seen as the big man in the flowing white robes untouchable and unattainable-but rather as a divine, non-gendered, presence above and a part of each of us. It allows me to incorporate the earth based celebrations(and the wiccan rede), buddhist philosophies, feminist ideals, and desire for equal rights for all humans into it-all things that every other christian church is so fond of damning.Told my mom about my abusive uncle. Shocked her. I'll have to talk to her again to see how she's processed it. I told her that the primary people he abused have forgiven him but that I have no desire to do the same. Mine is not an anti-christian perspective like they want me to believe. Wether you're christian or wiccan or buddhist there are consequences to actions-some call it kharma. See the thing about forgiveness without consequenes is that it allows the abuser to keep on abusing. He's never asked for my forgiveness. They don't want me to confront him because it would cause strain in their family dynamic-and because he'd know they've talked about it with me. He still has the control over that memory because he was never made to confront the trauma he caused me. Some may be able to forgive without being asked but without that confrontation, acknowledgement of his wrong doing, and closure he still holds the power and power is the ultimate basis of the abuse.My hands are cold I gotta quit typing now.
the last month or so
[Sep. 1st, 200408:56 am]
Adeline is home. It is so great to have her back. It took awhile to get used to the noise that constantly comes from her mouth and the continual energy-at the same time it's a welcome string of chatter and bouncing about. She started her first day of Kindergarden today! I was pretty excited to see all the kids in her class weren't white- and all the white ones aren't from white trash(not that there is anything wrong with white trash, it's just not the lifestyle I choose for myself anymore-and I only have a problem with it when it breeds discrimination and ingnorance). GO divirsity-whoo hoo!Going to Louisville was interesting. It was cool to be back in a familar big city-but there were too many memories with someone I don't like. It was strange going to the same places with someone I love that I went to with someone I don't want to think about.Don't have much left with the house. Josh and his dad drywalled. I mudded adelines room and am working on the dining and living rooms. Josh and I skim coated and painted adelines room, he refinished her floors and we moved her furniture in-we still have some to do but her room is livable. It's so girly but classic none of the Disney princess crap. She likes it.I'm looking forward to getting back into some sort of schedule. With adeline going to school that should come fairly easy. I want to get the house done so I can start working and help pay off some debts. Then maybe we can travel. We hung out with friends from Seatle and it made me really miss having that kind interaction with open minded people my age. I was pleasantly suprised by how well we all got on-I didn't know any of them that well and only one of them I was once close to. It was the first time Josh has ever hung out with people(besides family)who were in my life before he was. It was great to be with people who accepted us as a package and that we accepted equally as much. Josh and I aren't completly different but if you judged us by our friends from our past you'd think we gravitated toward seperate kinds of people. I guess what I'm saying is that I was able to see(through our interaction with the seatle people and even with his cousin's when they came out for the rally) that we do want the same thing when it comes to friendship with others. Those kind of friendships are something we thrive on but haven't had much opporunity to experience together. I hope to join a women's spirituality group(not a coven) starting this Fall Equinox. We're celebrating Mabon together and we'll see, if I feel comfortable with it I'd like to continue meeting with them. Potentially the group will give me some of the interaction I'm craving.I'm looking forward to fall-all the old dies and the new has a chance to regenerate and come back better than before...I've dealt with a lot of internal issues this past year and I worked to renew my physical self and environment. With a new cycle looming I'm expecting a better more balanced me to emerge.
This Week
[Jul. 20th, 200401:42 pm]
Now I'm reading Sefer Yetzirah: The Book of Creation. It's "the oldest and most mysterious of the kabbalistic texts". Also reading a book about Kabbalah. They're both difficult to read but have been spiritually rewarding. It is definetly part of my spirtual journey. I remember as a kid loving the Jewish aspects/orgins of Christianity-the songs the traditions- and as I got older the ancient hebrew texts that became the Old Testament. I love that all that is catching up to me in my studies and beliefs about God.Josh's bro and dad started insulating the house, Josh is almost done rewiring, and I've started refinishing adeline's furniture.Bought some cute lil baby clothes for a new member of the family. Told Josh I wanted a baby just so we could buy more tiny outfits. Sometimes I really want a baby but I just don't know if it would be a good thing to bring another life into an overcrowded and hateful world.I've established a good communication with an editor of a mag that I'd like to get published to. She even gave me good advice on a revision. And another editor of another mag told me that my essay was great and should be published(just not in that magazine issue). I feel really encouraged and more motivated. Even if it was rejected I got positive feedback and that's what is important.Ma is here for lunch-gotta go.
God Code
[Jul. 15th, 200411:27 am]
I finished The God Code by Gregg Braden. The theory of a code within our DNA linking us to the number value of the Hebrew(and aramaic) word for God is fascinating but the science of it is a little tricky to follow. The theory is easily acceptable given my belief that God is within everyone and all of creation. What I liked about the book were the references to other ancient and religous texts. It definetly made me want to study those texts to understand a braoder perspective of Creation and the Creator. God is not limited to the Christian definition. On Amazon I found something that makes me go "hmmm". There is a review of The God Code from Johnny Depp from France. There wasn't much praise in any of the reviews but I think what people are failing to see is that it is only a beginner book. It gives one a platform for more serious study of God and Creation, a motivation sort of. I think it would be an eye opening book for all those who go to christian church(or any church) and accept only that religous institutions idea of who God is and where God exists.
Lately
[Jul. 9th, 200409:55 am]
I've been reading _The God Code_ by Gregg Braden. So far it's put into a readable format a lot of the beliefs I've had and have been trying to express about God.Got myself a scooter. A curvacious little thing. I'm still a litle chicken to take it in heavy traffic.Feels like we're at a standstill with the house. Only because it's in the re-wiring/electric phase and I can't really help with that. Soon it's onto insulation and drywall though so I can get back into it.Been writing(and reading) more. Almost finished revising and adding onto something I want to send into a couple mags.Wrote a letter to my ex-husband(which I alluded to in the previous entry). Was able to release a lot of the repressed anger and hurt I had and to regain the pieces of my soul I left in the past. I haven't been depressed since doing so-I guess I just needed to break away from the cycle-a cycle that he's still in but it doesn't affect me anymore.Had lunch with ma the other day. Good time/good conversation. Let her read the letter to eric which explained a lot of why we split up and how it had to do with his making me feel worthless-stuff I never talked to her about before.Decided to learn more about herbs and hebrew(unrelated subjects). It's funny how the interests of my past are resurfacing but now I feel ready for them.Lately I've been happy.
the cycle is broken
[Jul. 6th, 200406:49 pm]
I'm so over it. Eric doesn't want to be my friend so this time I'm making it official. I'm tired of letting him into my life-tired of allowing myself to be friends with him only to be completely rejected soon after as if I were worthless. It's a cycle that's been going on since we were married. It's caused me extreme mental and emotional distress but now I'm done. No longer will I encourage adeline to draw him pictures, no longer will I send him photos of the moments he's absent from her life, no longer will I speak to him or give him a smile when I see him in person. And I'll stop saying he is a good father who has his daughters well being in mind when he makes life choices-that's because he's getting back together with his second wife. The woman who made adeline feel worthless with her neglect, jealousy, and emotional abuse. It is his choice to not be friendly and to not communicate about issues that affect our daughter. We may not have had a legal document but we had a verbal understanding that he is in breech of. So I've made the only choice that I'm left with-and as much as I'd like to, I will not be so friendly about it.
everybody's free to feel good
[May. 23rd, 200409:44 pm]
Okay screw the depression. I have to get focused and work my ass off(literally). And get the ol' gears in my noggin running and get some stuff written. Seriously, f**k the lonesomeness, the feelings of no control, and all the continual reasons for my sadness.
postpartum depression
[May. 18th, 200404:00 am]
I awoke in the night thinking I heard the crys of adeline. But of course I didn't. She's in Indiana with her Papa for the summer. The night is silent. I am alone.Being alone was never a problem til now. My life is so entwined with hers. Oh sure I still have my own interests and goals but the emptiness I feel knowing she's gone for so long is heavy and unrelenting.Yes, there are pros;she will gain a different perspective and I will have the time to write and renovate the house. The problem for me is pushing the emptiness far enough back and replacing it with motivation.
I heart cats
[Apr. 22nd, 200410:17 am]
I like my cat. Not to be confused with the xxx version "I heart kitties". Now I'm not one of those crazed cat people with the cat shaped coffee mug cozy, figurines lining my shelves, pretty little stationary with sunny sweet cats on them(well i guess my stationary is "hello kitty" hmmm). Anyway, Prudence is like a dog in many ways and I finally see where the expression of "curious cats" comes from. Although curious isn't the right word for it. Everynight when I'm getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth, drinking water, taking allergy medicine, she sits on the lid of the loo and watches every move and has to sniff every item I pick up-if she doesn't get to sniff it she meows and looks all puppy eyed. If I'm preparing food she begs to be brought up to counter level to watch what I'm doing-maybe she was a chef in a former life. And she follows me around the house(but so does adeline). Whichever room I'm working in, Prudence gets cozy and takes a nap. And she's like an annoying little sister to adeline. She'll chase and attack when adeline walks by. When adeline lays on the floor to draw a picture, Prudence will walk over and sit on the paper and sometimes bat the pencil. So anyway I may be an animal lover but I never thought I'd devote a whole entry to a pet. She's cool and that's all I have to say about that... I promise.
owoooch.
[Apr. 13th, 200404:13 pm]
I've been lazy. bad bad bad. Bad for the brain. Maybe that explains my powerful headaches of late.Got attuned to Reiki II. Added Firefly to my list of all time favorite forms of entertainment-it's genius writing. I mean I look at similar genres-the most close likeness being Star Wars. Well Star Wars has nothing on the plot, the dialogue, the pure scope of the entire thought behind Firelfly-plus Firefly doesn't have all the hokey aliens-you know just because its in space doesn't mean there has to be aliens involved. Not that I'm prejudice against other life forms-especially changling spies. Its warm. Flip flops have invaded my shoe floor space. Time to paint the toenails pink.
rainy day women
[Mar. 17th, 200403:22 pm]
Today it rained. An on-the-eve-of spring rain. Ostara(the spring/vernal equinox) is near-march 20th this year. Adeline and I walked downtown to watch the St.Patty's day parade-we got a hot chocolate-caught some candy and beer tokens-and let the rain soak our hair and eyelashes. My favorite thing about the parade were the two guys in kilts meandering behind the bagpipers drinking their beers. Then we walked home and stopped at an antique store along the way. I bought a pink chicken candy dish. The fog in the mountain tops reminded adeline of Snow White for some reason. The hedges had tiny buds. Tonight we'll sleep smelling the awakening earth and be awoken by the chatter of a thousand and one birds outside our window.
[Mar. 7th, 200410:43 am]
FREE MARTHA
silent snow secret snow
[Mar. 5th, 200405:06 pm]
Been a bit lonely lately. There's a serious lack of culture and diversity in these here parts. But I'm dealing-trying to focus the energy I'd otherwise be using on friends into other projects. The full moon is tomorrow. It should be really amazing reflecting off all the snow we've had. Perfect for magick.I'm working on another childrens book-I think I'll actually get this one finished. (you know with all the extra focus and all)Actually the solitude has been good for my personal reflection and I think I can get some things written that I've been avoiding.praise cheeses :)
the infallible word of god
[Feb. 29th, 200412:30 pm]
I've been reading a bit about Mel's Passion-not that I care about the hollywood hype-and giving lots of thought to christianity and its basis, the Bible. Newsweeks Jon Meacham article was a very unbiased historical look at the Movies accuracy by looking at the Bible's accuracy. He wrote things (almost exactly to the word) that I've been saying about the Bible for a few years-about how the Bible is written by men and there are historical, social, and translational inaccuracies. This was something I learned at a christian school while preparing for the ministry. Yet it is something that so many lay christians don't take for truth. They claim it is infallible. And this is my thought:What if it is? What if God is this male like figure sitting in heaven who was lonely and wanted something to love so he created the earth and a man and some animals and then he gave the man a woman so the man could breed with her. And what if we as humans really are supposed to be ingnorant. What if all our problems really did start when eve ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge and suddenly knew things she wasn't supposed to know and then it caused her to wonder and question and realize, hey I'm naked and adam shouldn't see me naked unless he wants to make a baby with me.And WHAT IF the Bible is so infalible that women really aren't equal and do belong to men, and men can have slaves, and gay men can be cast out of society, and children are property and do take on the sins of thier parents. What if despite all the historical and scientific studies that kind of God does exist and does ultimately reign and is able to send some souls to a hell if they didn't in life accept Jesus and become a christian even if those damned souls lived a life of kindness and love. WHAT IF. I can't deny its a possibility. But I can say that I don't want to live that kind of life. I don't want to be the weaker sex. I don't want my voice(my views) hushed because I'm a woman. I don't want to hate(or feel pity for)other religions and lifesyles. I don't want to stop questioning. I don't want to think of my child as property(espeacially because she'd be the property of her father). I don't want my body used by my husband(if I had one) for procreation when HE decided it was appropriate-or used by my husband for whatever purpose he decided.To claim the Bible as infallible is to claim all those things plus some I didn't mention. I can't do that. I can't live a life of ingnorance and under the domination of man and I won't raise my daughter that way. If that means I lose the respect and friendship from members of my family or peers than I say goodbye to you who want me to be like you.
the longest month
[Feb. 11th, 200406:03 pm]
February drags on and on and on...well maybe not as bad as January. We celebrated Josh's birthday a couple of weekends(or was it one weekend? see it drags)ago. Red Rock River Resort in Hot Springs. The massages were great except for the noisy bitties in the adjoing TRANQUILITY room jabbering on about nothing. And the rooms were like a guest room rather than a hotel room. The Blue Vervain is overall the best dining experience in the Black Hills-and I finally had a reason to get all gussied up in fifties cocktail attire-not that the Blue Vervain is a fifties joint, I just like having a bit of a theme when I dress formal. Been getting that mental stimulation I've been craving lately in the form of defending my spirituality and putting into words my thoughts on control issues-yes I'm vague, all anyone needs to know is I've been able to use my noggin' lately for more than planning meals for a week. Of course its my own fault I've been complacent in the self education area-I do hate having to argue my reasons for things especially when I could be putting my energies into other things.Been a little lonely. Can't get out much during the winter. But nice days are coming and I hope to do some volunteer work. Adeline registers for Kindergarten already. I'd like to take some classes this fall but I'll have to work part time instead. I guess either way I'll be exposed to some new personalities and hopefully interesting perspectives on life. Hopefully it'll give me some new material to start writing more. Yeah, words.
start the year with a bang:)
[Jan. 7th, 200402:11 pm]
The New Year celebration was...a bang of sparkles, a crowd of crazy people, dizzy heads, a balmy 17 degrees, updoes and thick makeup, black boots and western shirts.A little bit country a little bit rock and roll.Friends and family sharing a turducken, a house, and some laughs.today i'm working on another essay and trying to breathe through all the phlegm in my head
Where did Christmas go?
[Dec. 26th, 200302:02 pm]
The Holidays. I spent Christmas shivering under layers of blankets, feeling as if Prudence had shoved her kitten paws down my throat and ripped it to pieces while a herd of reindeer trampled every muscle in my body. If it weren't for "It's a Wonderful Life" playing on TV I'd never have known it was Christmas. I didn't even go to the family farm for Christmas eve-the first I've ever missed.
winter celebration
[Dec. 18th, 200305:49 pm]
Yule is nearly here, as is Christmas. We're celebrating both. Josh's family(ma,pa, 2 bros, and a sis) will be here this weekend. Dick Burns is playing in Deadwood so we'll spend considerable time there. They're my favorite local band, then the jazz band Swing Shift followed by the girl led band Dustin Roxx(not sure on the spelling there). Christmas eve we'll go, as tradition demands, to my uncle Bob's/gramms farm for food, presents, and games. Happy Happy Joy Joy. Actually Christmas Eve is one family function where I actually feel like part of the family. But the real celebration is New Years Eve. Again with Josh's bros and cousins and cousins wives and friends and whoever else shows up. It's a party. It's also mine and Josh's anniversary. Anniversary to what you ask...Hmmmm.
yule trees and christmas jerks
[Dec. 5th, 200304:22 pm]
We got our yule tree yesterday. Another 9ft. fat juniper tree like last year. Since I believe in Jesus too we celebrate both yule and christmas. It's fun being able to explain to adeline the differences between yule and christmas and how decorated trees, red and green, etc have nothing to do with christmas. She totally gets it-she even made the association of easter bunnies not having anything to do with jesus on easter. If only other people understood that and how other pagan sabbats were incorporated into christian holidays.I do hate going to stores this time of year though. I hated working in sales even more. People are so evil this time of year and materialistic. Presents are great and all but the extremes some people go to please with gifts. I hate being asked to make a list of what I want. If a person doesn't know me enough to know what I'd like or creative enough to come up with something unique than I don't want anything from them. Christmas isn't about what I want it's about giving because it feels good to give and being with people you care about. People make it too big of a chore. Then they get stressed and make everyone around them miserable and well the holidays end up sucking. I'm much less cynical this year not having to deal with customers. Maybe the magic of it all will return.that's my soapbox of the day
[Dec. 3rd, 200306:19 pm]
Lounging around listening to jazz and wishing I were in my pj's. Adeline is playing with the new cat-Prudence. Its my first cat in a long time. Last time I planned on getting a cat I got pregnant instead. My hands burn. Not ouch burn. Like when you hold a hot cup of tea for too long and your skin feels numb, a little painful but tolerable. They burn because I was attuned to Reiki. If you don't know what it is look it up-its all about energy. When I was reading Celestine Prophecy and getting excited about being able to see energy-that's nothing compared to being able to channel energy through my palms. And I can see that too on occasion, especially when Josh and I play with the energy together. It's cool that with his scientific mind he actually is so open to "alternative" ways of thinking and doing. It's more than amazing having a partner who is right there with me, understanding all the spiritual crazy talk and willing to explore that aspect with me.
[Jan. 25th, 200612:21 pm]
Blosser bought me Serenity. Yesterday we watched it. Good thing I'm not hormonal or else I wouldn't be able to hold back the tears. And it wasn't because certain people died. It was just amazing to experience. It is totally beyond stupid that more poeple don't recognize that kind of writing, visual story telling, acting, the whole world of Serenity/Firefly as being the amazing creation that it is. I expected Shepard to die, I was thinking Inara would(she didn't), and was really sad about Wash(I've loved him since that first scene where he was playing with his toy dinosaurs). But if it had to happen to someone it had to be him because Zoe is the only person strong enough to handle her partners death. My only complaint...Who the hell is that person on the front of the DVD cover! I understand the movie was about uncovering River's mystery but that is NOT River on the front. What more can I say. There aren't a whole lot of mainstream minds who can get my awe over Joss and his worlds. But I'm glad they're out there.
why mothers and homemakers go insane
[Jan. 22nd, 200608:06 pm]
This is what I have to say to my daughter who is 7 and acts like cleaning her room is the worst thing to experience..."Try cleaning a whole house. Try coming up with a lifetime of healthy meals that satisfy three(or more) different tastes. Try leaving the house when your kid won't until her every hair is in place, her makeup is just right, and her clothes match perfectly. Try raising a kid at all. Try living each day feeling disrespected, unappreciated, unadored, and rejected by people who are supposed to love you. Try doing all that, enjoying most of it, and remaining positive that the not-so-great parts will magically be transformed into a beautiful place with flowers and butterflies and pretty fairies and fountains of wine and handsome men and gorgeous women are there to give you massages with happy endings and fan you with banana leaves and feed you grapes and oranges dipped in chocoate.......
forgiviness
[Jan. 16th, 200611:19 am]
"In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly orunjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered.All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in alarge circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribespeaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things theperson in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident,every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, isrecounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, andkindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony oftenlasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyouscelebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literallywelcomed back into the tribe... as the Buddha said: ‘Hatred will never ceaseby hatred. By love alone is it healed.’"as described by Alice Walker inSent by Earth: A Message from the Grandmother SpiritThis was posted in a homeschool internet group I belong to. It speaks to me. It's a message in a line of synchronistic events in my life currently. Before I received the message I was trying to use the Tibetan singing bowl to pray for health. I couldn't get it to hum. Then I opened and read the above message. It helped me realize that in order for my immune system to be at its best and for my health to improve I need to let go of the blockages in my energy/psyche. I prayed again with the singing bowl this time giving forgiveness to those who've hurt me. My focus was attuned, the bowl hummed, and I felt at peace. I know that I have to continue everyday to remember those people are forgiven and I have to actually convey that message directly to them. But this first step is very important.
Happy Holidays
[Jan. 3rd, 200609:18 am]
My holidays are finally over. I celebrated the Winter Solstice with a commitment/candle ceremony to renew my spirituality. Then we had about three different present opening christmases with family-i guess we'll have to have a couple more of those when adeline comes home so I'm not done with that yet. Then our annual New Years party. The party was great. The weather was the warmest its ever been so watching the ball drop was actually enjoyable. We had about 11 people pass out at our house. This year we had a bigger ratio of girls to boys which was a totally different dynamic. More drama, more whining about who was going to get the couch or the beds, more giggling and hugging. And I have to say I outdid myself with the food. Of course we had our two biggest traditions-the turduken and Jeremy's pleather pants.I have to ask-Are all those opposed to "Happy Holiday" and pushing so hard for "Merry Christmas" going to be the New Nazis? Christians are the ones who stuck their holiday into the Winter Solstice where our ancestors celebrated the lenghtening of the days and the coming of the "Sun" as opposed to the "Son". I don't know which came first Hanukkah or Christmas and I'm pretty ignorant about Kwanza too. But I do know all this taking Christ out of christmas is dumb. Most of the the things associated with Christmas don't have anything to do with it in the first place-Yule logs, lights, holly, red and green-its a Yule thing not a christmas thing. Why can't we just celebrate it all, huh. And frankly, the New Year is what I look forward to most. The crowds are yelling happy greeting to each other, there is so much happiness and fun. The combintation of food and spirits and family and sparkles. Its the most peace on earth good will toward men holiday here in deadwood and I imagine lots of other places too. So happy effing holidays to all of you.
and the tears came...again
[Dec. 15th, 200508:53 am]
I did something stupid. I turned on Buffy knowing full well "The Body" was going to be on. I wouldn't have watched it but the satellite radio was being problematic and I needed something to listen to or watch while I ate my cheerios. Of course that episode always makes me cry at some point-usually when Anya gets upset about not knowing how to react to Joyce's death. But the minute I began watching it I teared up and wanted to bawl. I've been doing that a lot lately:when I read adeline a sappy bedtime story, when some guy proposed on Queer Eye, when I'm in the shower and the water pelts my back muscles into relaxation. For a few weeks(4long weeks) I could blame it on the pregnancy hormones leaving my body-but even then I defied the emotions, knowing full well they were laced with hormones. But now I'm wondering if I did the wrong thing. Even though those feelings were mostly due to chemical imbalance I'm wondering if maybe I should have grieved. I cried when the doctor confirmed my fear that the pregnancy was blighted but even then I forced back the tears. I knew intuitively there was no baby even though my body carried on the pregnancy for another month. And even now I'm not all that upset that I have to try again-it gives me more time to get in better shape and hey, now I can drink at the New Years Party. So why do I still get emotional at stupid things? Experiences that aren't mine and don't apply directly to me. It's confusing, and weak, and irrational and I have to stop doing it because there are bigger things in the world and in life to deal with.
that time of year again
[Dec. 7th, 200509:54 am]
It's getting closer to the time I have to take Adeline to stay with her Papa for awhile. She'll only be gone three weeks but still the old anxiety is coming back. He's not a horrible person but I don't feel she's safe with him. Mostly I worry about her mental and emotional health when she's with him(or my mom). Their religion teaches hate and that's the biggest problem I have with her spending any time with them. He doesn't spend the quality time with her that I do-leaves her with people he doesn't know. And he feeds her too much gross junk food. Of course he disciplines differently and she has to learn and relearn what his rules are. I fear he doesn't have the understanding that I do when she does something wrong. At least she won't have to deal with him talking to his 2nd ex-wife or with the ex-wife being there. If that where the case she wouldn't be going to visit him ever. I have lots planned to keep me busy but that doesn't stop the saddness of her being so far away.
Wiccan Pride
[Nov. 28th, 200502:07 pm]
It is snowing. Big fluffy drifts of snow out there. We had chocolate chip cookies and milk for dinner last night. It's the perfect thing for cold days.I am bugged by these people who play witch or act all new agey or goth to impress people. Spirituality to me has never been about impressing people-in fact that was one of the things I hated most about Christian Church-all the people trying to put on a good show. I remember making the decision to quit dressing up for Sunday service. I understand having an interest in Wicca but not really knowing where to begin or how much of oneself to commit. I went through that. It's easy to claim Wicca and even do a few ceremonies or rituals on the full moons and the sabbats. But it felt empty to me. Sure, I so dug the concept of treating people and the earth with respect. I loved the search for balance between the feminine and masculine. And I could really relate to the mysticism that comes with being aware of the spiritual realm. Bu I never wanted to call myself Wiccan or a Witch. But I also had trouble labeling myself because I so despise limiting myself with labels and also because I hate the pre-conceived ideas people have about any label, especially Wicca. But over the past few months I've begun caring little about what others think. I've always had a little bit of that attitude that's why I got tats and piercings and dyed my hair pink. But then I decided why should I look "cool" just to get the "cool kids" to talk to me? So I took out my tongue ring, took the dye out of my hair, and started dressing like a normal conservative suburban mom. No, I didn't really do that last thing, I just couldn't do that. Bu you get my point. I want to dress for me. I want to listen to the music that makes me happy not because its cool or because I want to be one of those music elitest snobs who thinks every known band is just a rip off of some not-so-known band. If I want to listen to New Kids On The Block I will. And I want to practice Wicca for me-not to freak out conservatives, or impress punk ass kids, or even to increase my ability to see spirits. I read The Circle Within by Dianne Sylvan recently. I was impressed with her style of writing as well as her message. It was just the thing to get me motivated to do what I've been too lazy to do. I'm planning a dedication this Winter Solstice and hopefully in a year after lots of study and practice, I can initiate myself into Wicca. I want to really know it and live it. I want to be able to easily defend it without throwing it in peoples faces. It won't be the only thing in my life but its one of the things I want to have pride in.
I need to vent
[Nov. 15th, 200504:14 pm]
So I vented but then I deleted it all. Do I feel better? No. Venting solves nothing when the right person won't hear it or read it.
yes, i'm a horrible journaler
[Oct. 21st, 200510:01 am]
We went to Yellowstone at the end of September. Not too many tourists. It was really kind of amazing. I was almost expecting the whole typical tourist thing but its actually not a good touristy place. I'm used to the Black Hills where its okay to shoot cyotes on farmland, deer in your yard, and mountain lions just because they are there. But there is such respect for wildlife and and the land in Yellowstone. Granted part of that is becuase if you step off the trail in the wrong place you become human soup-but still they are trying to keep the place as natural and wild as possible. Lots of raw positive energy surronding the place. Homeschooling is going well. We have a nice little groove. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough but then I notice other kids and can see she is still ahead of them acedemically. And she is a natural social butterfly so no impediments there. Its great to have the opportunity(and the mindset) that anything can be a learning experience. Instead of just dragging her along to run errands or go to doctor appointments she actually is a part of my life and learns about life through experience.I have a lot of soapbox topics I've ranted about in my head over the past couple of months but I won't bother writing them here now. Maybe later.
happiness is...
[Aug. 1st, 200501:04 pm]
I've come to realize how thankful I am for the many joys in my life-especially within in the last year or so...I became more emotionally stable than I had been in a long time- partially because I fully rid myself of the hurt and rejection I felt when I was with Eric and even after we seperated. I found focus and purpose in life. I've become more involved and responsible for my child's education. I finally found some wonderful friends who didn't flake out on me. I started meeting people of like mind and began realizing there is diversity in this area even if it has to be sought out. I've learned to finish drywall and do it quite well. I let my creativity come out while redecorating/renovating the house. I know that a hard days work can completely transform an ugly room into a most amazing space. I submitted to a few magazines and was finally accepted to one-a niche magazine but a respectable one in that niche. I became mobil which has allowed my the independance to explore my areas of interest and to keep in contact with friends. I discovered some publications that are teaching me a great deal about politics, feminism, wicca, healthy lifestyle, and other interests. I feel I can confidently say I'm a good cook-I enjoy cooking and using healthy tasty ingredients in my dishes. I can finally say that I can grow a big ol' tomato plant-although mother nature is doing most the work. I taught myself to knit a scarf. I fininshed embroidering adeline's curtains and think they are as lovely as anything Martha Stewart can come up with. I got my hideous tattoo covered with a purdy fairy and now feel much more comfortable in a tank top. I developed a taste to coffee and I found a beer that I like-its German. And finally-I have a nightstand.So thanks foremost to Josh for providing me the opportunity to live a happy fullfilling life-and for being a wonderful partner to share it with. Thanks especially to Adeline for making motherhood the most blessed event. Thanks to my mom for instilling a love of SciFi becasue Stargate in really getting awesome and awesome entertainment also makes me smile. Thanks to my old friends and to my new-without them I'd personify everything from my pencil to the blender just to have someone to talk to.
[Jun. 12th, 200508:19 pm]
Nothing super fantastic has happenend recently in my own little world. And nothing in the big wide world I feel like commenting on. I have some thoughts formulating on fat and societies view of beauty-or more specifically the frat boys view of beauty. Yes I'm stereo-typing when I say "frat boy". I really appreciate the pockets of creative and open-minded people I've found around here but still I feel there is not a strong enough sense of community. I want to feel at home. I have such difficulty taking those first few steps to make friends. When I do, I feel I either give off those desperate-to-be-liked vibes or I am closed off. And its not that I'm desperate to be liked because I like who I am. It's more that I want to find people who are even willing to form friendships. I think maybe I and the pockets of people I've found have been used to living in an environment where we have to protect ourselves from the ones who look down on us just for being who we are. We're used to not letting people in because in part we don't expect there to be others like us. For example it took several months of picking our kids up from preschool for Erika and I to actually talk and it only took one conversation to know we liked each other.Of course I don't want people exactly like me. I just want community with people who can learn from and respect each other. I don't want to complain too much, I think it is slowly starting to happen. Not on a large scale-I'm just finding some of those pockets and assimilating myself into them. I think that's the main reason I like bigger cities. I can find neighborhoods where it feels comfortable to just be in them-I don't have to be noticed and I don't feel like an outsider. Hmm, this is spawning way to many avenues of thought for me to explore. Avenues I need to follow before I can write about it further.
renewal
[Apr. 21st, 200512:23 pm]
With the Spring comes renewal. I've been renewing all over the place. We've started a Feng Shui makover on the house and yard. Instinctually we'd already made most of it attractive to positive energy. But already we can feel and see the affects of a little re-arranging.I had physically cleaned and smudged(using sage incense and Reiki) the main floor of the house on the equinox but soon after that we had a little break in. Two little poop-heads in the neighborhood, playmates of adeline even, broke into our house while we were away. The stealing of our quarters wasn't so bad but the going through ALL our drawers and being in our personal space was very violating. They even went through my portable alter/ceremony box. So before I could even cleanse the house I had to cleanse my ceremony stuff. The Feng Shui has made a differnce with that too. Already I feel more protected and the negative cloud that was hanging over our house has lifted.I've been feeling the need to connect again with people I haven't talked to in a while. Usually when I get that way it is because I'm feeling trapped and alone. But this time I'm moving forward. I've been meeting new friends and connecting with people locally. I guess the new friendships remind me to not forget the old ones. I love my friends. They add so much to my life and have taught me so much about myself and how they see the world. I appreciate especially you Karrie, Blosser, Darshan, Sheli, Mike, and Tim. Even if we go for months without writing there is always a piece of you that is a piece of me.
what's so special about today?
[Apr. 11th, 200509:46 am]
Okay so the best April 11th I've ever had was so totally not focused on me but at the same time it was so much about who I am. I didn't get any presents that I remember or attend any parties. No national or global event worth remembering took place. But I can always use that date of that year(1997)to remember the part of me I often keep restrained. Even though I've shared the memory with others I keep the feeling and detatils like a treasure locked inside to remind myself that at any moment, for no drastic reason, I have the ability to put day-to-day life on hold and make an adventure. To travel just to travel. With little money,a not-so-reliable vehicle, blankets and a tent, and of course a companion. Karrie understands, she shared the day with me. It wasn't the first adventure we shared, or the last. It wasn't even the most significant. It was probably the only one that was just the two of us and of course my birthday happened to fall on that particular outing but even that didn't make it any more special. But it does give me a reference to compare all my other adventures to. And it gives me a reason to let that part of myself live and occasionally let it roam. I don't want my best birthday to be at such a young age and I don't want to look back on my life and think "those were the days". Hopefully one of my adventures will fall again on my birthday so that that memory won't have it's own pedastal but until then I keep it up there to remind me to leave the house a mess, pack a bag, and just go.
reddened skin
[Apr. 7th, 200506:27 pm]
Warm sunny days are upon us. Adeline and I already got the years first sunburns. And of course Josh gave me a spanking for not remembering to use sunblock. April is birthday month. A time to kinda mourn youth and the wasted hours being depressed, bored, and lazy. At least I'm getting published before thirty. Like I wrote Blosser, whose birthday is also this month, lets party like it's 1982. We were 6, our lives were yet to be lived, and getting up in the morning for a half day of kindergarten was such a big deal. The Salem Park premiere is tomorrow night. We're excited to dress up and go support our friends contribution to the film-and to see the film itself.Every day grows closer to the time Adeline leaves me for two months and every day I get a little more anxious at her leaving.
Spring Equinox
[Mar. 21st, 200501:59 pm]
Winter stood me up again. But that's okay I have a new love to wait for. Spring. It's officially here. Of course winter is jealous and threatening to return. Right now it's only teasing me with cold rain and a few flurries.I did some spring cleaning. Swept out the negative energy and invited the positive in and protected the house with Reiki. I had planned to dye eggs with adeline using natural ingredients-onion skins, beet juice, tea, ginger, etc. But I was feeling ill so I've put it off til we can really enjoy it.
waiting
[Mar. 18th, 200502:15 pm]
I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. For winter to show up and bring its overnight bag-I'm sick of these one night stands. For spring which is technically supposed to blossom this sunday. For my new addiction to absorb into my blood and brain and give me the energy to follow through to the end on one of my projects. Waiting to be pretty enough or smart enough or confidant enough to grab life by the tits and squeeze. This time of year is purgatory.
the year of the rooster
[Feb. 25th, 200501:01 pm]
As with any holiday big or small Deadwood plans to celebrate in a big way. At least I can use this one as a learning experience for adeline. If I were a proper drama queen I'd have an outfit for all these celebrations. Actually I found a lovely dress and slippers in The Pyramid Collection catalog that would be perfect for The Chinese New Year.I got the Houchin family reunion invite today. I'm looking forward to it but I'm also dreading it. I don't know how I'll react to my abusive uncle who has never owned up to his disgusting ways, my cousins who now think I'm heathen or something, and my father who has never seen my six year old daughter. I don't know what to expect but I'm going to make an appearance if only to face my "demons".
Unitarian Universalist Faith
[Jan. 27th, 200505:05 pm]
Here I will describe to the best of my ability what I believe as Unitarian Universalist. For an expert view on the subject I read(and you can too) "A Chosen Faith" by J.Buehrens and F.Church.*UUs refer to the wisdoms of the worlds religions, including but not limited to Judaism and Christianity, and the worlds philosophies, such as Buddhism. We take what is good and true from religion/philosophy and apply it to our lives. The universal truth of most religions is some form of the belief that we should live our lives without causing physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional harm to others.*UUs believe in equality of every human no matter what race, gender, sexual preference, religion, age, marital status, height, disability, personalitly, astrological sign, weight, etc.*UUs strive to make the earth healthy.*UUs believe in religious experience-those transcending experiences that can't be explained away and that alter our drive, personality, and sense of awareness for the better.*UUs don't imagine God to be a man in flowing white robes, who sits in a giant castle with pearly gates, who orders about the angels and the humans. UUs define God for themselves but most agree that God is a presence greater than humans and at the same time within each of us. UUs give God many names and accept that others may have a different name for the same presence they are in awe of. Some say "Allah", some say "Goddess", Some say "Great Spirit", I say "Divine Presence" and sometimes "Love" or for simplicity sake just "God".*Many UUs follow spiritual teachings of Earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature. I am one of those UUs. I do not call myself pagan or witch or wiccan but I am devoted to the wiccan way and I do celebrate the natural holidays(called Sabbats). But I also acknowledge and celebrate the christian holidays and commercial holidays and would like to learn more about and celebrate other holidays such as Day of the Dead or Yom Kippur.*UUs heed the guidance of reason and the results of science. *UUs believe that religion is personal but also acknowledge the importance of community. Though each UU has a seperate and deeply personal religous path we accept each other and provide support.*Many UUs don't believe that Jesus was resurected. This is how I explain what I believe to my 6 year old. "Everyone has a spirit-a spirit is our thoughts and feelings that we can't see or touch. Our bodies are the things our spirit lives in. Our bodies get sick and old and eventually die. God is that feeling in us that makes us want to treat each others nice and love everyone. Jesus had a lot of that feeling, probably more than most. His body died. But maybe because he had so much of that good feeling in him, so much God in him, his body was able to come back to life. I don't know but I believe it is possible because there are a lot of things I don't yet understand." For more info on UU visit www.uua.org
Whoo Hoo
[Jan. 26th, 200505:21 pm]
I will be published in the March issue of The Beltane Papers. The magazine is a beautifully put together publication of essays, poems, artwork, etc. by earth-centered spiritual women. My essay along with many of the essays in there are poetic and personal. It will be my first time being published and I'm proud of the essay as well as the place it will first appear to the public.Being published has given me a great sense of accomplishment and a drive to continue writing and submitting.
[Jan. 22nd, 200502:21 pm]
Finally attended the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Rapid. It was weird being in a church type setting again. But the casual atmosphere and friendly people made it easier. There are a few pagans and no "preacher". From what I understand anyone has a chance to give the presentation. It is just nice to be around people who are open minded and willing to converse about things of substance.
As of Late
[Nov. 29th, 200411:32 am]
We decided to Homeschool full time after researching "afterschooling". Classical Education is the way to go and might as well go all the way with it. I've been researching like mad, joined a couple support groups, and have already figured out her curriculum for grade One(and some of grades 2-4). I'm really excited to get started-I think adeline will really enjoy it too. She'll get to meet lots of different people and learn things she wouldn't otherwise learn. There is even a strings instrument course specifically for homeschoolers and we could learn togegher. I've always wanted to play the cello and she could learn the violin. We could have our own little orchestra-josh could play the tringle-ooh or the symbols. I can also get her involved in Martial Arts or if she wants continue her in dance.We hosted Thanksgiving. It was pleasant. I enjoy cooking for a lot of people even when I dump a whole apple crisp out on the oven door. Our new table was even delivered in time to show it off. My aunt Jeri is a sociable person and I enjoy visiting with her.I invited April to our New Years bash. She's one of the cool dance moms. I hope she can make it-throw some new people into the mix-not that the old standbys aren't great-in fact I'm really looking forward to seeing them again! It's never too early to start planning for the New Year. I'm thinking a mod 60's theme this year-with chex mix, martinnis, and little cocktail weenies.
What's new with me
[Nov. 13th, 200412:46 pm]
The house looks really good-like a home-comfy and cozy. It's almost worthy to entertain in-not that the squatter look before stopped us from having company.I've been researching classical education so that I can "afterschool" adeline. I don't want her to be just another idiot kid produced by the public school system-unable to think analytically and come to the logical conclusion. A classical education will give her the mental resources she needs to explore her world to the fullest instead of learning only a limited view point. Plus it will get my own noggin working again-I'll be able to reschool myself. Been moody lately and sensitive-not just the p.m.s.ey kind of moody either. Part of it is I haven't gotten away from home for awhile. I always feel good after adelines dance class because there I have cool people to talk to. I ordered a bunch of books too that will keep my mind busy.I think I've found a religious organization I can fully respect. I'll have to research it more and attend a couple services before I know for sure. It's Unitarian Universalism-It's jewish/christian based but it accepts and integrates other religions and philosophies. It recognizes the Bible as an important book historically, theologically, and morally but doesn't use it as its only guideline nor think it's infallible. God is not seen as the big man in the flowing white robes untouchable and unattainable-but rather as a divine, non-gendered, presence above and a part of each of us. It allows me to incorporate the earth based celebrations(and the wiccan rede), buddhist philosophies, feminist ideals, and desire for equal rights for all humans into it-all things that every other christian church is so fond of damning.Told my mom about my abusive uncle. Shocked her. I'll have to talk to her again to see how she's processed it. I told her that the primary people he abused have forgiven him but that I have no desire to do the same. Mine is not an anti-christian perspective like they want me to believe. Wether you're christian or wiccan or buddhist there are consequences to actions-some call it kharma. See the thing about forgiveness without consequenes is that it allows the abuser to keep on abusing. He's never asked for my forgiveness. They don't want me to confront him because it would cause strain in their family dynamic-and because he'd know they've talked about it with me. He still has the control over that memory because he was never made to confront the trauma he caused me. Some may be able to forgive without being asked but without that confrontation, acknowledgement of his wrong doing, and closure he still holds the power and power is the ultimate basis of the abuse.My hands are cold I gotta quit typing now.
the last month or so
[Sep. 1st, 200408:56 am]
Adeline is home. It is so great to have her back. It took awhile to get used to the noise that constantly comes from her mouth and the continual energy-at the same time it's a welcome string of chatter and bouncing about. She started her first day of Kindergarden today! I was pretty excited to see all the kids in her class weren't white- and all the white ones aren't from white trash(not that there is anything wrong with white trash, it's just not the lifestyle I choose for myself anymore-and I only have a problem with it when it breeds discrimination and ingnorance). GO divirsity-whoo hoo!Going to Louisville was interesting. It was cool to be back in a familar big city-but there were too many memories with someone I don't like. It was strange going to the same places with someone I love that I went to with someone I don't want to think about.Don't have much left with the house. Josh and his dad drywalled. I mudded adelines room and am working on the dining and living rooms. Josh and I skim coated and painted adelines room, he refinished her floors and we moved her furniture in-we still have some to do but her room is livable. It's so girly but classic none of the Disney princess crap. She likes it.I'm looking forward to getting back into some sort of schedule. With adeline going to school that should come fairly easy. I want to get the house done so I can start working and help pay off some debts. Then maybe we can travel. We hung out with friends from Seatle and it made me really miss having that kind interaction with open minded people my age. I was pleasantly suprised by how well we all got on-I didn't know any of them that well and only one of them I was once close to. It was the first time Josh has ever hung out with people(besides family)who were in my life before he was. It was great to be with people who accepted us as a package and that we accepted equally as much. Josh and I aren't completly different but if you judged us by our friends from our past you'd think we gravitated toward seperate kinds of people. I guess what I'm saying is that I was able to see(through our interaction with the seatle people and even with his cousin's when they came out for the rally) that we do want the same thing when it comes to friendship with others. Those kind of friendships are something we thrive on but haven't had much opporunity to experience together. I hope to join a women's spirituality group(not a coven) starting this Fall Equinox. We're celebrating Mabon together and we'll see, if I feel comfortable with it I'd like to continue meeting with them. Potentially the group will give me some of the interaction I'm craving.I'm looking forward to fall-all the old dies and the new has a chance to regenerate and come back better than before...I've dealt with a lot of internal issues this past year and I worked to renew my physical self and environment. With a new cycle looming I'm expecting a better more balanced me to emerge.
This Week
[Jul. 20th, 200401:42 pm]
Now I'm reading Sefer Yetzirah: The Book of Creation. It's "the oldest and most mysterious of the kabbalistic texts". Also reading a book about Kabbalah. They're both difficult to read but have been spiritually rewarding. It is definetly part of my spirtual journey. I remember as a kid loving the Jewish aspects/orgins of Christianity-the songs the traditions- and as I got older the ancient hebrew texts that became the Old Testament. I love that all that is catching up to me in my studies and beliefs about God.Josh's bro and dad started insulating the house, Josh is almost done rewiring, and I've started refinishing adeline's furniture.Bought some cute lil baby clothes for a new member of the family. Told Josh I wanted a baby just so we could buy more tiny outfits. Sometimes I really want a baby but I just don't know if it would be a good thing to bring another life into an overcrowded and hateful world.I've established a good communication with an editor of a mag that I'd like to get published to. She even gave me good advice on a revision. And another editor of another mag told me that my essay was great and should be published(just not in that magazine issue). I feel really encouraged and more motivated. Even if it was rejected I got positive feedback and that's what is important.Ma is here for lunch-gotta go.
God Code
[Jul. 15th, 200411:27 am]
I finished The God Code by Gregg Braden. The theory of a code within our DNA linking us to the number value of the Hebrew(and aramaic) word for God is fascinating but the science of it is a little tricky to follow. The theory is easily acceptable given my belief that God is within everyone and all of creation. What I liked about the book were the references to other ancient and religous texts. It definetly made me want to study those texts to understand a braoder perspective of Creation and the Creator. God is not limited to the Christian definition. On Amazon I found something that makes me go "hmmm". There is a review of The God Code from Johnny Depp from France. There wasn't much praise in any of the reviews but I think what people are failing to see is that it is only a beginner book. It gives one a platform for more serious study of God and Creation, a motivation sort of. I think it would be an eye opening book for all those who go to christian church(or any church) and accept only that religous institutions idea of who God is and where God exists.
Lately
[Jul. 9th, 200409:55 am]
I've been reading _The God Code_ by Gregg Braden. So far it's put into a readable format a lot of the beliefs I've had and have been trying to express about God.Got myself a scooter. A curvacious little thing. I'm still a litle chicken to take it in heavy traffic.Feels like we're at a standstill with the house. Only because it's in the re-wiring/electric phase and I can't really help with that. Soon it's onto insulation and drywall though so I can get back into it.Been writing(and reading) more. Almost finished revising and adding onto something I want to send into a couple mags.Wrote a letter to my ex-husband(which I alluded to in the previous entry). Was able to release a lot of the repressed anger and hurt I had and to regain the pieces of my soul I left in the past. I haven't been depressed since doing so-I guess I just needed to break away from the cycle-a cycle that he's still in but it doesn't affect me anymore.Had lunch with ma the other day. Good time/good conversation. Let her read the letter to eric which explained a lot of why we split up and how it had to do with his making me feel worthless-stuff I never talked to her about before.Decided to learn more about herbs and hebrew(unrelated subjects). It's funny how the interests of my past are resurfacing but now I feel ready for them.Lately I've been happy.
the cycle is broken
[Jul. 6th, 200406:49 pm]
I'm so over it. Eric doesn't want to be my friend so this time I'm making it official. I'm tired of letting him into my life-tired of allowing myself to be friends with him only to be completely rejected soon after as if I were worthless. It's a cycle that's been going on since we were married. It's caused me extreme mental and emotional distress but now I'm done. No longer will I encourage adeline to draw him pictures, no longer will I send him photos of the moments he's absent from her life, no longer will I speak to him or give him a smile when I see him in person. And I'll stop saying he is a good father who has his daughters well being in mind when he makes life choices-that's because he's getting back together with his second wife. The woman who made adeline feel worthless with her neglect, jealousy, and emotional abuse. It is his choice to not be friendly and to not communicate about issues that affect our daughter. We may not have had a legal document but we had a verbal understanding that he is in breech of. So I've made the only choice that I'm left with-and as much as I'd like to, I will not be so friendly about it.
everybody's free to feel good
[May. 23rd, 200409:44 pm]
Okay screw the depression. I have to get focused and work my ass off(literally). And get the ol' gears in my noggin running and get some stuff written. Seriously, f**k the lonesomeness, the feelings of no control, and all the continual reasons for my sadness.
postpartum depression
[May. 18th, 200404:00 am]
I awoke in the night thinking I heard the crys of adeline. But of course I didn't. She's in Indiana with her Papa for the summer. The night is silent. I am alone.Being alone was never a problem til now. My life is so entwined with hers. Oh sure I still have my own interests and goals but the emptiness I feel knowing she's gone for so long is heavy and unrelenting.Yes, there are pros;she will gain a different perspective and I will have the time to write and renovate the house. The problem for me is pushing the emptiness far enough back and replacing it with motivation.
I heart cats
[Apr. 22nd, 200410:17 am]
I like my cat. Not to be confused with the xxx version "I heart kitties". Now I'm not one of those crazed cat people with the cat shaped coffee mug cozy, figurines lining my shelves, pretty little stationary with sunny sweet cats on them(well i guess my stationary is "hello kitty" hmmm). Anyway, Prudence is like a dog in many ways and I finally see where the expression of "curious cats" comes from. Although curious isn't the right word for it. Everynight when I'm getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth, drinking water, taking allergy medicine, she sits on the lid of the loo and watches every move and has to sniff every item I pick up-if she doesn't get to sniff it she meows and looks all puppy eyed. If I'm preparing food she begs to be brought up to counter level to watch what I'm doing-maybe she was a chef in a former life. And she follows me around the house(but so does adeline). Whichever room I'm working in, Prudence gets cozy and takes a nap. And she's like an annoying little sister to adeline. She'll chase and attack when adeline walks by. When adeline lays on the floor to draw a picture, Prudence will walk over and sit on the paper and sometimes bat the pencil. So anyway I may be an animal lover but I never thought I'd devote a whole entry to a pet. She's cool and that's all I have to say about that... I promise.
owoooch.
[Apr. 13th, 200404:13 pm]
I've been lazy. bad bad bad. Bad for the brain. Maybe that explains my powerful headaches of late.Got attuned to Reiki II. Added Firefly to my list of all time favorite forms of entertainment-it's genius writing. I mean I look at similar genres-the most close likeness being Star Wars. Well Star Wars has nothing on the plot, the dialogue, the pure scope of the entire thought behind Firelfly-plus Firefly doesn't have all the hokey aliens-you know just because its in space doesn't mean there has to be aliens involved. Not that I'm prejudice against other life forms-especially changling spies. Its warm. Flip flops have invaded my shoe floor space. Time to paint the toenails pink.
rainy day women
[Mar. 17th, 200403:22 pm]
Today it rained. An on-the-eve-of spring rain. Ostara(the spring/vernal equinox) is near-march 20th this year. Adeline and I walked downtown to watch the St.Patty's day parade-we got a hot chocolate-caught some candy and beer tokens-and let the rain soak our hair and eyelashes. My favorite thing about the parade were the two guys in kilts meandering behind the bagpipers drinking their beers. Then we walked home and stopped at an antique store along the way. I bought a pink chicken candy dish. The fog in the mountain tops reminded adeline of Snow White for some reason. The hedges had tiny buds. Tonight we'll sleep smelling the awakening earth and be awoken by the chatter of a thousand and one birds outside our window.
[Mar. 7th, 200410:43 am]
FREE MARTHA
silent snow secret snow
[Mar. 5th, 200405:06 pm]
Been a bit lonely lately. There's a serious lack of culture and diversity in these here parts. But I'm dealing-trying to focus the energy I'd otherwise be using on friends into other projects. The full moon is tomorrow. It should be really amazing reflecting off all the snow we've had. Perfect for magick.I'm working on another childrens book-I think I'll actually get this one finished. (you know with all the extra focus and all)Actually the solitude has been good for my personal reflection and I think I can get some things written that I've been avoiding.praise cheeses :)
the infallible word of god
[Feb. 29th, 200412:30 pm]
I've been reading a bit about Mel's Passion-not that I care about the hollywood hype-and giving lots of thought to christianity and its basis, the Bible. Newsweeks Jon Meacham article was a very unbiased historical look at the Movies accuracy by looking at the Bible's accuracy. He wrote things (almost exactly to the word) that I've been saying about the Bible for a few years-about how the Bible is written by men and there are historical, social, and translational inaccuracies. This was something I learned at a christian school while preparing for the ministry. Yet it is something that so many lay christians don't take for truth. They claim it is infallible. And this is my thought:What if it is? What if God is this male like figure sitting in heaven who was lonely and wanted something to love so he created the earth and a man and some animals and then he gave the man a woman so the man could breed with her. And what if we as humans really are supposed to be ingnorant. What if all our problems really did start when eve ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge and suddenly knew things she wasn't supposed to know and then it caused her to wonder and question and realize, hey I'm naked and adam shouldn't see me naked unless he wants to make a baby with me.And WHAT IF the Bible is so infalible that women really aren't equal and do belong to men, and men can have slaves, and gay men can be cast out of society, and children are property and do take on the sins of thier parents. What if despite all the historical and scientific studies that kind of God does exist and does ultimately reign and is able to send some souls to a hell if they didn't in life accept Jesus and become a christian even if those damned souls lived a life of kindness and love. WHAT IF. I can't deny its a possibility. But I can say that I don't want to live that kind of life. I don't want to be the weaker sex. I don't want my voice(my views) hushed because I'm a woman. I don't want to hate(or feel pity for)other religions and lifesyles. I don't want to stop questioning. I don't want to think of my child as property(espeacially because she'd be the property of her father). I don't want my body used by my husband(if I had one) for procreation when HE decided it was appropriate-or used by my husband for whatever purpose he decided.To claim the Bible as infallible is to claim all those things plus some I didn't mention. I can't do that. I can't live a life of ingnorance and under the domination of man and I won't raise my daughter that way. If that means I lose the respect and friendship from members of my family or peers than I say goodbye to you who want me to be like you.
the longest month
[Feb. 11th, 200406:03 pm]
February drags on and on and on...well maybe not as bad as January. We celebrated Josh's birthday a couple of weekends(or was it one weekend? see it drags)ago. Red Rock River Resort in Hot Springs. The massages were great except for the noisy bitties in the adjoing TRANQUILITY room jabbering on about nothing. And the rooms were like a guest room rather than a hotel room. The Blue Vervain is overall the best dining experience in the Black Hills-and I finally had a reason to get all gussied up in fifties cocktail attire-not that the Blue Vervain is a fifties joint, I just like having a bit of a theme when I dress formal. Been getting that mental stimulation I've been craving lately in the form of defending my spirituality and putting into words my thoughts on control issues-yes I'm vague, all anyone needs to know is I've been able to use my noggin' lately for more than planning meals for a week. Of course its my own fault I've been complacent in the self education area-I do hate having to argue my reasons for things especially when I could be putting my energies into other things.Been a little lonely. Can't get out much during the winter. But nice days are coming and I hope to do some volunteer work. Adeline registers for Kindergarten already. I'd like to take some classes this fall but I'll have to work part time instead. I guess either way I'll be exposed to some new personalities and hopefully interesting perspectives on life. Hopefully it'll give me some new material to start writing more. Yeah, words.
start the year with a bang:)
[Jan. 7th, 200402:11 pm]
The New Year celebration was...a bang of sparkles, a crowd of crazy people, dizzy heads, a balmy 17 degrees, updoes and thick makeup, black boots and western shirts.A little bit country a little bit rock and roll.Friends and family sharing a turducken, a house, and some laughs.today i'm working on another essay and trying to breathe through all the phlegm in my head
Where did Christmas go?
[Dec. 26th, 200302:02 pm]
The Holidays. I spent Christmas shivering under layers of blankets, feeling as if Prudence had shoved her kitten paws down my throat and ripped it to pieces while a herd of reindeer trampled every muscle in my body. If it weren't for "It's a Wonderful Life" playing on TV I'd never have known it was Christmas. I didn't even go to the family farm for Christmas eve-the first I've ever missed.
winter celebration
[Dec. 18th, 200305:49 pm]
Yule is nearly here, as is Christmas. We're celebrating both. Josh's family(ma,pa, 2 bros, and a sis) will be here this weekend. Dick Burns is playing in Deadwood so we'll spend considerable time there. They're my favorite local band, then the jazz band Swing Shift followed by the girl led band Dustin Roxx(not sure on the spelling there). Christmas eve we'll go, as tradition demands, to my uncle Bob's/gramms farm for food, presents, and games. Happy Happy Joy Joy. Actually Christmas Eve is one family function where I actually feel like part of the family. But the real celebration is New Years Eve. Again with Josh's bros and cousins and cousins wives and friends and whoever else shows up. It's a party. It's also mine and Josh's anniversary. Anniversary to what you ask...Hmmmm.
yule trees and christmas jerks
[Dec. 5th, 200304:22 pm]
We got our yule tree yesterday. Another 9ft. fat juniper tree like last year. Since I believe in Jesus too we celebrate both yule and christmas. It's fun being able to explain to adeline the differences between yule and christmas and how decorated trees, red and green, etc have nothing to do with christmas. She totally gets it-she even made the association of easter bunnies not having anything to do with jesus on easter. If only other people understood that and how other pagan sabbats were incorporated into christian holidays.I do hate going to stores this time of year though. I hated working in sales even more. People are so evil this time of year and materialistic. Presents are great and all but the extremes some people go to please with gifts. I hate being asked to make a list of what I want. If a person doesn't know me enough to know what I'd like or creative enough to come up with something unique than I don't want anything from them. Christmas isn't about what I want it's about giving because it feels good to give and being with people you care about. People make it too big of a chore. Then they get stressed and make everyone around them miserable and well the holidays end up sucking. I'm much less cynical this year not having to deal with customers. Maybe the magic of it all will return.that's my soapbox of the day
[Dec. 3rd, 200306:19 pm]
Lounging around listening to jazz and wishing I were in my pj's. Adeline is playing with the new cat-Prudence. Its my first cat in a long time. Last time I planned on getting a cat I got pregnant instead. My hands burn. Not ouch burn. Like when you hold a hot cup of tea for too long and your skin feels numb, a little painful but tolerable. They burn because I was attuned to Reiki. If you don't know what it is look it up-its all about energy. When I was reading Celestine Prophecy and getting excited about being able to see energy-that's nothing compared to being able to channel energy through my palms. And I can see that too on occasion, especially when Josh and I play with the energy together. It's cool that with his scientific mind he actually is so open to "alternative" ways of thinking and doing. It's more than amazing having a partner who is right there with me, understanding all the spiritual crazy talk and willing to explore that aspect with me.
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