Pippi's birth story

I believe that we get out of life what we expect but I must expect the unexpected. For the most part I also expect that everything will turn out as it should. For Pippi's birth I had a few plans of action worked out for a few different scenarios-as I often do-but it still happened in an unexpected way.
Of a few things I was certain: I knew that giving birth in the hospital would be okay if Becki Harris was my midwife. I knew that I wanted a drug free labor and birth, a hands-off approach from the nurses, and freedom to deliver in any position. Of course that's what I got.
I had some concerns-I wasn't sure what to do with ZoraJane during the process-she's not accustomed to other people caring for her in my absence and she needs my booby or a car ride to got sleep. I also wasn't sure where I was going to deliver. With ZoraJane my water broke unexpectedly and I delivered two hours later-but I just happened to be in the process of getting released from the hospital after some testing when it happened. I knew that if my water broke with Pippi and labor started hard and fast afterwards I wouldn't be up to riding an hour to RC. So I planned for a potential homebirth. The problem with that is we'd have to do it ourselves and we really felt more comfortable with some assistance. I didn't want the nearest local midwife because I didn't "click" with her and I didn't agree with some of her political beliefs. Besides, I wanted MY midwife but she only works in the hospital. In the event of a hospital birth, Adeline felt comfortable watching ZoraJane if someone else was there to help her so we asked my mom to be available to hang out with them in a nearby hotel room or the hospital.

I'd been having mild contractions for several months-nothing to be concerned about. In fact the whole pregnancy I had no physical concerns. I think I was too busy chasing after ZoraJane to really worry. I was thankful that I was pregnant during the warm months though because I was able to get out of the house to be active and be surrounded by nature and my friends.
The weekend it happened Josh's dad was staying with us. He'd come to the hills to attend a wedding but told Josh that if he was needed he'd stay longer. When Josh told me that my heart really warmed toward Lloyd. I think that combined with seeing the way ZoraJane was really digging hanging out with her Grandpa gave me the okay (subconsciously) that I had no concerns left.
On Sunday Josh and Lloyd were in the backyard preparing to grill. The girls and I were hanging out in the house. I'd just blown up the exercise ball in case I needed to labor on it in case of a homebirth. I was watching TV -excited that the newest DOCTOR WHO was going to be on and sitting on the ball. I felt a small pop and a little fluid. As I rushed to the bathroom Josh was coming upstairs so I asked him if wanted to go to the hospital. Once in the bathroom though I wasn't sure-it could easily have been pee. I threw on a sundress (just in case) while Josh and his dad put away the food. While changing more of my water started breaking so I knew it really was happening. I had no contractions so we didn't rush too much to leave. It's funny, I don't remember much about Adeline or ZoraJane at this time. I think I was already starting to focus inward and Josh's Dad really stepped up and started taking care of the other girls. We lay chux pads and towels in the front seat of the Durango (Lloyd's vehicle) because we thought it would be roomier and more comfortable to labor in. Lloyd and the girls drove Josh's truck to RC. I didn't have many contractions on the way there and the few I had were very mild-but I did leak a lot. Internally I was a little panicky because it was REALLY time to start caring for another baby- but I remained calm.
We all hung out in the labor room and my contractions slowly started increasing in pain and frequency. I could tell the nurse was not used to the kind of delivery I planned. She tried explaining to me what she was going to do about monitoring and vaginal checks. I just smiled and nodded because I knew once my midwife (Becki) arrived I wouldn't have to "fight" for my right to do it my way. Fortunately it didn't take her too long to show up.
The contractions intensified. Lloyd, Adeline and ZoraJane relocated to the waiting room and my midwife left to change. I walked around and labored. I cried. Mentally I wasn't ready to take care of two babies but my body was ready to give me another one. By the time Becki got back I was nearly ready to push and she told me to go ahead when I felt the need. I assumed the position-standing facing the side of the bed. Josh stood beside me and my Becki was on the floor behind me. I grasped the blankets and squatted into the contractions. I hissed through a contraction for Josh to stop kissing me-I needed my space as my body felt like it was expanding and ripping into a million pieces. I felt the ring of fire and was strangely comforted. The pain disappeared as her head emerged. I screamed as I made the final push to bring her into the world. Three hours after my water broke with only about an hour of intense labor and I met the new human who chose us for her family.
Becki (and I think the nurse) helped me get untangled from the cord so I could hold my baby. Josh and I sat on the bed and I nursed her. When the cord stopped pulsing Josh cut it. Becki found it to be tied in a knot from Pippi swimming it into loops and then swimming through them. Several minutes later the family came back in to meet the new member: Vivian Pippilotta Houchin Morrison

some pics of summertime

catharting

It(the situation with J's family) doesn't have to affect me in a way that makes me hold onto anger/rejection/insecurities. But I still feel and writing for me is cathartic -once its out in writing I don't have to waste my time thinking about it anymore. Instead of answering Josh's sisters' comments in my head (or to her where she'll again fail to comprehend anything I'm saying), I'm gonna do it here.
The comments here and in my head are a little more snippy than I like to be. I even thought about not posting this blog. But I figure she's obviously been talking trash about me for years-not that I need to justify it but it does make it easier for me to talk about how I really feel to my friends (who make up my blog readers). My brand of happiness doesn't mean I still don't feel the "bad" feelings. It means that I acknowledge those feelings and let them go-I'm not going to suddenly burst out in anger and irrationality in a few years (like she is doing) from holding all the pissy feeling inside.
This email was sent in response to the FB attacks where she asks Josh if his times of misery were when he decided to not tell his family we got married, accused us of making a child (adeline) lie about it, and twists my comment about a wedding day potentially being a miserable day for me into me saying I was miserable and married Josh as punishment to myself and how crappy that was. BTW, Josh's cool comment about misery was "misery is a self imposed prison I used to lock myself up in all the time. Now that I realize it, I just laugh when I catch myself trying to do it. I'm the only person who get to decide how I feel. How great is that?"
Here's the email exchanges-the ones she sent to Josh are even more harsh and ridiculous and I'll add a few of those comments afterward:

I wrote her:
I didn't say I was a miserable person back then. But I did let things affect me more then they should have and I let myself be miserable/angry/sad. Due to my own insecurities a wedding would have been a miserable experience.
I wish I'd known your feeling were hurt earlier and I would have been glad to share my views on weddings/marriage-as I'm sure Josh would have too but I can't speak completely for him. I wrote a blog about my views on the subject-it was written in 2007 so the views have expanded a bit, but they are generally the same. A cut/pasted copy of that entry is near the bottom. I don't expect you to agree with my views but realize it would have been MY wedding for me (and josh) and its just not how we chose to celebrate our love and commitment. Yes, we did not handle telling people in a way that was best for everyone but we didn't know how-it snowballed unfortunately but I assumed that by now it was a forgotten issue and no one cared anymore. We never asked Adeline to lie-but we did ask her to keep it secret til we could figure out how to tell people and we just never really figured out how to do that.
One thing I want you to understand is that both Josh and I have gone through a lot of growth in our personal lives and how we see the world/God/ourselves/ other people. That doesn't make us better than other people but it makes us better than we were. More importantly it makes us happier. We've been able to grow stronger together which is more than many so-called committed couples can say. It might be easy for you or anyone to see how we've behaved in the past and hold on to whatever anger/hurt its caused you. I don't deny that I've not always had the best way of talking to people-and due to my flat tone people have misinterpreted a lot that I have said and the true feeling behind it. People who really know me and my thoughts can look past that but I imagine its harder for you since we've had very few conversations that help us get to know each other better. But I will honestly, and without anger, address any issues you have with me (issues you have with Josh will have to be directed to him). I don't have issues with you-I've been angry and annoyed with you in the past but I've realized that those feelings came from within me and how I expected you to be. I know that a lot of those time I was annoyed with you was because I was reacting to whatever stresses you were letting show/or I was reacting due to my own stresses. But I believe that you are more rounded than the few perceptions I've had of you in the past.
I too am not who I was even a week ago. I'm constantly learning to forgive myself. I'm learning to be at peace with however people want to live. My goal is to have no expectations of how others should act/be/believe/etc. I still work through issues with myself. I've pretty much rid myself of sarcasm (unless it comes from a place of sillyness instead of anger). While I let myself have anger and hurt (and other so-called negative emotions), I'm trying to see where it truely comes from and let it pass because most the time it does just come from inside me. This is where I am-its not the path for everyone-its not even the exact path of Josh. And I enjoy my path. I enjoy learning of the path others are on and realizing it doesn't have to be where I am or that we even have to understand each other. I've enjoyed sharing it with you and whoever wants to hear/read it. And if you don't want to hear/read it let me know and I won't share it directly with you (by the way I asked Justin to tell me if he didn't want to get to know each other more and he basically said he didn't-that doesn't make me angry or hurt-it is what it is and I am fine with that. I still love him and can appreciate all the things I do know about him-and I totally believe that he is all the things that Liz says she sees in him).

here's the blog entry from 2007-like I said it was my view then but most of it holds true but I could probably expand-Its still a good part of the reasons we chose not to have a wedding...
---First off let me start off by saying what a good time we had in Mitchell June 1-3. I'm really learning to put myself in a happy place-to not feel defensive around others who don't believe as I do, to just allow people to be who they are and enjoy them for it, and to feel comfortable in my own body even if it doesn't yet look like I want it to look. And Josh is doing likewise.

Josh's cousin on his mom's side got married. His mom has 13 brothers and sisters so a lot of family was there. I enjoyed them all with my rediscovered skills as mentioned above.
The wedding was very traditional, a short chatholic service and typical reception afterward. I enjoyed that as well despite my previous aversion to weddings-especially the traditional kind.

When is it our turn?
The question we feared-and didn't quite have an answer for. But now I do. The short version-Josh and I very much have a marriage and have had one since we committed to living together 4 and 1/2 years ago. However we are not intersted in having a wedding to prove or celebrate that committment. We'd rather put our energy into the actual partnership.

There have been moments with Josh that I've mentally planned the details of a wedding. And when Eric and I planned ours I wrote it in a journal-we eventually got married (and divorced) in a no hassles courthouse sort of way. Both plans for weddings were not traditonal. With niether of my partners did we think it necessary to put so much energy into a moment. We didn't want that to be the best day of our lives with everything afterward (except maybe having children) to pale in comparison. Weddings seem to cause stress and drama for everyone involved and even some attending-I find that unnecessary. In fact the only joy I find in the possiblity of having a wedding is so that we can plan it the way we want it, totally atypical, completely about us and our uniqueness, and so that we can have a really fun entertaining party (with Dick Burns as our band of course). Some members of our families might prefer us to have a wedding-to do what we're supposed to do-despite that what we're supposed to do is based on beliefs that neither of us hold true. Hopefully friends and family will open their eyes to the fact that Josh and I totally dig each other-we're committed-we have a marriage-we enjoy our lives and don't feel a wedding will enhance it in any way or complete us.

We're not alone in our decision. More and more people are realizing that weddings and/or a marriage certificate aren't for them. Some couples deny the legal document because that legal document would take away benefits that they need-such as the case with disability. Some see it as shame when so many committed partners are denied that basic right. Some see a wedding as a waste of time, a waste of money, or a waste of energy. Some feel that by having the labels of husband and wife takes away the feeling of self and forces them and others to expect behavior that go against their personality. Ideally the government and the people would realize that a wedding nor a legal document make a marriage-that family isn't always one man and one woman and some children related by dna.

With that said-I will enjoy weddings-I do honor anyone who decides to do what's best for them wether that be to remain single or to partner with one or more persons throughout their life-even the poly's- and I honor how they choose to celebrate or not celebrate their committments. ---


And her email back-here I've include the responses I had in my head but decided were useless to send back to her because she really must not comprehend what I'm saying. Either that or she's not reading my wordy messages because I've clearly already answered her comments. Like I said they are a little more snippy and its not really how I choose to communicate anymore-however sarcasm and snippiness does cross my mind. I've learned that those kind of responses don't really get anyone anywhere in resolving the issues but it does help me to release it so that I can focus on the real important stuff in my life. If I did respond to her personally that way it'd just lead to more arguments. Plus, we don't see eye to eye and she's not as willing as she says she is to listen. My responses begin with an >

J-
It wasn't the wedding that i'm sad about. It's the fact that you were married and felt the need to keep it a secret.

me-
uh, didn't I answer that in my blog? and my email. We already considered ourselves married. The day we got the certificate was nothing more than an errand to do the paperwork required to get cheaper insurance and tax breaks. I realize we have a different view on when a marriage officially starts but hey, I'm not asking You to consider Yourself married before a wedding day. I think that if you truely cared about the happiness of your brother you'd just be happy that he's happy and with someone he can be happy with.

J-
Quite frankly you continuely seem to take away some of the simple joys that use to make josh happy.

me-
WTF-can she really not see how happy he is! What exactly did I take away from him! I've always let him be exactly how he wants to be-I don't dress him, make him change his hair, make him give up beer or nicotine, I haven't initiated his weird diets. And maybe some of the joys HE's given up have simply been replaced by new joys. But I don't really get what joys I've supposedly taken away-uh, making out with random girls after a night of drinking-k, maybe I made him give that one up.

J-
As much as you may not appreciate him we are his family and not being there to support your loved one in telling his family something you know he hates to hide from us is hard for me to understand.

me-
Where does she even get the idea that I don't appreciate him? Its not from him. My friends can clearly see I appreciate him-I never ever talk bad about him to anyone because I don't have anything bad to say about him. And where does she get the idea that I made him not tell and that he hates to hide it? Of course she wouldn't understand it because its a falshood totally pulled out of her head. We both never thought it a great time to tell anyone because for us it was a non-issue-it was not something exciting to announce. It wasn't even that secret, some people knew, mostly because they asked or just because it came up in conversation.

j-
There are many examples of you pulling him away from us and despite the fact you say you've changed I have a hard time believing that. Part of my work is finding the symptoms the patient is willing to tell us. I can tell you really are trying but it's still there.

me-
So give me these many examples-I bet I can disprove them. And if anything I've encouraged him (and us) to do lots of things with his family and I've enjoyed them for the most part.
And its not so much that I've changed. I didn't consider myself bad and now I'm all good. I'm human and I grow with my experiences. I make mistakes and learn from them. And I'm not TRYING to be different as if its some chore-it just comes along with that growth and being happy at the core. And I'm not all that different-just a happier version of myself.

j-
It showed when you guys were back before justin left. The last night siblings could be together for over a year and when someone asked josh if he was coming you didn't even let him answer and said he couldn't. If something happens to Justin god for bid you took away those moments we could have had together for whatever your reasons were. I am sure you have reasons for your choices and honestly I am sure I wouldn't understand. I am always willing to listen but my thought process is much different from yours just because our lives took us in different paths and different experiences.

me-
Again, she doesn't know what she's talking about. (and I did tell her most this) When asked if we were going out I said I wasn't-1) because ZoraJane isn't ready to be left with anyone else and 2) because I'm pregnant and the bar is too smokey. I never ever answered for Josh. In fact I kept asking him if he was sure he didn't want to go out with his family especially since it was his last night out with Justin for awhile. Josh didn't want to go out for reasons that had nothing to do with me. He was tired. And he was preparing his body to go the meditation retreat a few days later, which meant no alcohol or smoking. We'd all been hanging out at the house-a night out drinking is not the only way to bond.

j-
I will also always have a hard time finding the good in you because from the beginning it was a rollercoaster....I was the first one you really had a chance to get to know and you wouldn't even talk to sometimes when I was at the house while I went to college out there. I was lucky to have a wonderful man in my life for that point in my life. He was family to me because I didn't feel comfortable around my own brother because of how you treated me.

me-
Dude, I've already admitted I'm pretty shy and not much of a talker (until we can find something in common or unless the other person is really great at asking questions-and we've never had much in common and neither of us have been good at asking questions). If I don't talk to someone it doesn't mean I am a big bad bitch. Other than the shyness thing, I might've simply just been in my own head with my own thoughts/stresses/fears/proccupations. I wouldn't have let her come to the house, do her laundry here, cook for her, etc if I didn't enjoy having her up.

Here's the email that I did send back:

That's cool. I've never really felt totally accepted by you but I always thought we got along and that it was probably my own anxiety-glad to know that it wasn't ALL in my head-lol. I do have issues with social anxiety so my awkwardness and inability to ask questions and spark conversations hasn't ever really had anything to do with you or your family. Also my defensiveness was my own insecurities.
As far as taking Josh away-you'd have to ask him if that's how he perceives it and his reasons for spending as much time with your family as he did when he was single. Although part of that reason is that that is what happens when you have a committed relationship/become part of that other persons family/ and start making a family of you own.I know I've never denied visits from/with/to your family. In fact I've usually enjoyed them and looked forward to them. New Year is one the times I Iook forward to the most and not so that I can drink-but rather to hang out with family in a fun and celebration. I've never denied Josh the choice to go out either. Again I encourage it-as I did that last night in April. He chose to not go out for his own reasons-I did remind him of his reasons because they were pretty important to him and I also asked him if he was sure he didn't want to go out because it was the last time he'd get to go out while Justin was there. But you weren't with us for that part of our conversation so you wouldn't know that. I have at times been sad that Josh got to go out and I couldn't. Again not so I could drink. Rather I've felt like I missed on that family time and felt left out. I usually sulked about it because I do that when I'm sad, but I eventually got over it because I love the reasons I can't always go out (my kids/pregnancy) and I love that J comes home to me and shares his joy of the previous night.
I don't know what got you so riled up last time you were here-not that I knew you were until your message. I know that I was pretty inside my head because I was stressed about not feeling good, and anxious about having a baby early and not being close to my midwife, and listing the house-but I guess you wouldn't know that because I didn't share it with anyone and no one asked-and quite frankly if someone asks how I'm doing I try to say "great" because the majority of the time I do feel great and I want to keep a positive attitude.

I don't have the email she sent Josh but she basically implys (or maybe even says it straight out) that he is miserable because of me. That she herself is miserable around me and has to take pain meds just to be around me and will never love me. Oh, but the kids are great (despite their being unschooled into stupidity)

My response. To laugh-okay mine is more of a scoff because I rarely laugh out loud but Josh got so giggly about it one day that Adeline was getting annoyed at him for laughing out of nowhere. Really if I was still at a place of making myself miserable by letting what others think of me make me feel rejected/angry/sad/insecure than I might be super offended and worried. But its all so ridiculous. Josh and I joke that I must be some powerful voodoo witch to make her so ill. If I'm such a bad person, I don't see how I can have so many great friends, many of whom are different on so many levels, and some who even claim to be highly intuitive themselves(yet none of them are ill because of me). And since I spend nearly all my time with my kids you'd think they'd be little anger balls bouncing around with hate if I was so horrible. Either that or they'd be so far from their true selves because they'd be so preoccupied with trying to please me and gain just one little glimmer of my conditional love. See how odd the whole thing is?

She's not giving her brother very much credit for getting out of such a horrible situation-if it were in fact a horrible situation. Its not like he was ever obligated to be with me. And I don't manipulate him into doing anything he doesn't want to do. Josh and I may have had times were we had to work through issues, either within ourselves or as a couple, but its never been anything serious or intense enough to drive us apart. That's what committed couples do.
If it was such a horrible relationship:We wouldn't be together this long. We wouldn't have gotten so much pleasure out of our baby and I wouldn't be knocked up again so soon after having that baby. He wouldn't be actively looking for more ways to work from home. We wouldn't want to live in a cramped little bus and explore the world together as a family if we didn't enjoy each other.

Like I said-ridiculous.

Whew-now its out of my head. I can fill my mind with trivial things like songs from Yo Gabba Gabba and Dora the Explorer. I can get back to educating myself about sewing/knitting and other things I find interesting. I can write about shiny happy things and do some other journaling. I can be there for my friends and their dramas. I can work on being the domestic goddess I want to be. I can go take a walk with my kids. I can find better things to do with my time reserved for the internet. Right now J and are going to watch a little HBO.

How school "failed" me

Josh's sister, sparked by some FaceBook comments asked me a really great question. One that I've never fully put down on paper. It was a fun one to think about. I emailed her my response. And she emailed back and I included that as well because I know you unschooler and even regular ol homeschooler friends will get a kick out of what she wrote.

Here's what I wrote:

Before I explain how school failed me, we have to take a couple things out of the euquation. First college, trade schools, or any secondary education,and to some extent high school has to be eliminated from the category of school. Those are generally taught by people who actually love the subject they’re teaching. In my experience its much more enjoyable to learn from people who are passionate about what they’re sharing. For instance, Adeline is really into recoloring on the computer. Its not something I’d choose to learn about but I find myself interested in it and enjoying what I’ve learned because Adeline is so passionate about sharing it with me . People who choose to attend school beyond the required grades are usually allow a certain amount of freedom to choose what they are learning. Second, by school, I don’t mean teachers. I don’t blame them either. Even though I’ve had some bad ones I still had affection and respect for most of my teachers. I know now that most teachers are doing the best they can to teach what they’re told to teach and doing it on a limited budget and despite annoying school politics. Even though there is some reformation in how kids are being taught its still a long way off from ideal-especially because more and more budgets, salaries, and programs are being cut. Also more and more intrusion from politics prevents teachers from spending time on individuls or subjects or making subjects interesting. So while teachers as individuals have not failed me they’ve not been able to provide an optimal setting for enjoyable learning either.

I’ve heard many times-though I’m not sure how much actual truth there is in it-that public school was created to make a work force of middle and lower class who could follow directions and work in factories. I’m not willing to research the facts about that statement right now. Regardles of wether its true or not it certainly felt true in my experience with school. That feeling of just being a mindless tool is, in part, how school failed me. It feels unnatural to me to take kids away from an environment they feel safe (and this is assuming their home life is safe) and subject them to hours of the rules of the jungle. Where else in our lives besides school is it normal to be completely surrounded by people of the same age, with a reletively same and limited understanding of life? Its just not a realistic reflection of real world living and socialization. It doesn’t allow children to learn to socialize with respect and appreciation because they don’t see adults practicing that kind of behavior. And it doesn’t create a healthy environment for learning. Instead of focusing on learning, I spent more time worrying about impressing people, staying on the bullys good side, scared of the awkwardness of puberty, or just developing deep rooted feelings of insecurity that I’m still working on overcoming.
Though I believe learning is best done from hands on experience and from people who are passionate about what they are sharing I can’t say that my elementary school curriculum is what entirely failed me but it did contribute to a less than ideal experience. It did its job in introducing me to subjects. However because of my experience with being schooled one way, along with my hours of research on the different types of curriculum and methods of homeschooling, along with our trial and error of some of those different methods, I know that there is a better way to learn. Its not always a feasable way for everyone to learn-primarily because to homeschool using our method you have to truthfully love and enjoy spending quality time with your kids, doing lots of research, making messes,learning with them and from them, and being okay with varied personalites. There are topics that I remember clearly from school. They were usually tuaght using hands on experience in relation to actual real world use. You know the stuff “disguised” as fun stuff-writing and illustrating our own book (I still have it stored away somwhere), celebrating cultures by cooking (not so authentic) dishes or making crafts from different countries. constructing a clay model from a topographical map of a place we drew from our own imaginations, cooking, sewing, leather punching, carrying around an egg pretending it was our baby. But these special ways of learning were very rare in relation to the hours and hours spent on learning facts that are forgotten soon after testing, reading texts that held no interest, or reciting things that held no relevance to my life at that time.
To break it down by subject: I was so far ahead in Language Arts that I never actually learned anything new on that subject in school-I was far ahead because I was a voracious reader who picked up on grammar, vocabulary, spelling, comprehension, and logic. I read things that interested me. Math as its taught in schools is not math. Its mostly memorization. The rest is obscure mumbo jumbo to many children including myself. I can grasp the concepts of math now that I use it in my daily life. And the math that I don’t use in my daily life wouldn’t be hard to learn if and when I need it. Math is figuring out how much food to buy on a budget for a dinner party-its deciding how many times I can go to Rapid and back on a tank of gas and budgeting out that much gas money-its figuring out how many square feet of tile we need to redo the floors. But as a kid I didn’t care about that stuff and I felt stupid when I couldn’t figure it out and I couldn’t figure it out because I couldn’t see any relevance. I loved science but limited myself with my own insecutites about math-I fooled myself into believing I couldn’t go into a scientific field of study because I didn’t understand math. History could be interesting but again not really relevant to my life in childhood-now I love it. PE was more about segregation, exerting power over others, and making fun of a kid because they couldn’t throw a ball. PE should be about playing and having fun. Art and music was fun but again if you didn’t do it a certain way you were given a bad grade-there was not much room for actual creativity. Now when I want to learn I do. But I feel so much of childhood is wasted on schooling. That’s not to be confused with education. I’m a big fan of education. But education is learning what is intersting and relevant to where a person is at in life. Public school wasn’t the ideal place for me to get my education.
And now I must address failure. To say school failed me is a blanket statement that can’t really be interpreted as my disdain for school. For someone to assume I hate education, teachers, and “real” jobs, and then to make their own blanket statement implying I’m a bad person for those beliefs is kind of petty. You did a great thing by asking me to expand on that statement. I’ve really enjoyed answering this question and will probably publish it in my blog. To clarify further, I don’t necessarily look it as failure. In hindsight I can appreciate how going through the experience of school has made me a better mother and teacher to my own kids. Sure homeschool has “failed” lots of kids too. But most those homeschoolers are not learning so much as just doing the same schooly type things but at home. The kind of homeschool I do is allowing my kids the freedom to learn from what they love-like I did with reading. Its exposing them to experiences that will stick with them. We don’t seperate learning into little subjects that we have to work on for an hour a day. We actually practice those subjects because they are incorporated into our daily living. Informal education starts from birth and continues all through life. As for formal education, Adeline is sometimes ahead of her peers and sometimes behind. But what she learns sticks with her becuase she’s learned it in an environment that is unforced, gently guided, and espectful to her pace, her personality, and her learning styles. Plus she gets to learn it when it is relevant to her life, her needs, and her wants-not some predertermined imaginary timeline of when some government entity or society thinks she needs to learn it. Letting my kids learn this way is important to me because of the “failure” I learned from in a school setting. My kids will grow up with a strong sense of self, little to no insecurities, and a desire to follow thier passions.
Our method of homeschooling goes beyond education. Instead of being locked for hours a day, three-fourths of the year with the same aged children who have little concept of how to relate, Adeline gets to have friends who age in range from itty bitty babies to old fogies. Her friends are made through my friends, classes she’s taken, groups we belong to, family members, people she meets in the neighborhood, and people she’s met online. Our method has led us to reformation in teaching, parenting, and how we relate to all people. It goes hand in hand with ridding our lives of expectations from other people, loving without conditions, decreasing judgment, and letting everyone find their own path. The unschooling(our method of homeschooling) community keeps in pretty close contact via online forums and annual conferences. I don’t know an unschooler (aka world schooler aka natural learner) who hasn’t developed a better relationship with their kids and a more peaceful outlook on life. Admitedley because its a reletively new way of living for us we’re still working on healing past hurts-not only with Adeline but with everyone and more importantly with ourselves . But again we don’t see that as failure so much as a process of learning and growth. Like I said learning is life-long. I’m not exactly where I’m supposed to be on this path but I ‘m not to the finish line so to speak. The really great thing is that I can look at the “failures” along with the success and see it all as good.

and this is how she replied

While I am typing I am going to hit on unschooling or world schooling as it seems to be refered to. I've done alot of research. When I was at Mayo I used there research data bases. Honestly I think it's a copout. Letting your kids do whatever they want use to just be called bad parenting now it's world schooling. I know there is more to it trust me there are hours and hours of reading I've done on the topic. And I don't understand alot of comments in your previous email. Math is memmorization...yes some...and that isn't a bad thing. I was blessed to be very gifted in school but it came with some down falls too...I never had to study till late in high school. Although this sounds great I hadn't learned the study skills other students had and some college classes were very tuff for me because of this. Also schools no longer let you just do your area. Even technical schools require all areas of study. I for example strongly dislike english but I had to take them and even was published...not by my goals but part of school. If I hadn't had a well rounded education this would have been even harder. And although we all liked the fun project...they aren't what got me into the best program in the midwest....it was the sucky stuff that noone would choose to do.

The funny part to me was while reading alot of people talk it was professionals that school worked for and got them where they wanted to be but they don't think there children need that. Rules are there...society has them whether we want them or not that is important to learn from a young age. And a childs sleep cycle is incredibly important to growth messing with that alone is a foolish aspect of unschooling to me.

And school does teach you many other life long learning skills...that bully or whatever other school stereotypes you want to think are still in adult life many don't grow out of it. And the same limited view of the world depends where you go to school and obviously you tend to be drawn to those that best understand you.

To me some of the aspects of world schooling are what parents are suppose to do when the child isn't in school (morning, nights, weekends, summer) every oppurtunity is a learning experience yes but I think with a good parent you can do this outside of the school ours. As for all the insecurities which seem to be your reason for school "failing" you....I think you could say they made you "fail" alot of things...you said you where in a bad place.

I don't see this as a school failing but maybe rather you didn't get help from other professionals when maybe that could have helped you. Most go through the akward stage and come out just fine in the end....even a better person for not being naive about all that has happened.

PS please buy adeline a brush....she wanted to brush her hair and couldn't even find one.

Now me continueing my blog entry:

Isn't that just funny! Its so obvious (to all us unschoolers) from her comments that she really doesn't have much an understanding of unschooling despite her hours of research. It kinda cracks me up that she takes a few obscure points of my email and uses them in her "case" against unschooling. In another email she wrote Josh, she said that she's thinking of trying to make unschooling illegal-ha-have fun with that one. From that email and others she's been writing I can se that my wordy words fall on blind eyes and its really no use trying to explain something to someone who doesn't want to listen. So I responded "I'm secure enough in my own research, my friends who've made it work, the adults I know who were unschooled, and the joy and well-roundedness I see in Adeline that I don't feel the need to defend it."

I had to include her ps about the hairbrush because that cracked me up to. I told her that we do in fact have several brushes and combs but Adeline has lost them all. And if she really wanted to brush her hair she would have used mine because she knows where its at and that she can use it anytime. Adeline and I were laughing about the fact that Adeline did in fact find my comb and combed her hair and even told her so.

Isn't the life of an unschooler/homeschooler great! I totally mean that without any sarcasm. Josh's sister is great too-she has some really great qualities and the ones I don't think are so great-well they are great too. Plus she's made it so easy for me to see how miserable a person can make themselves. Something Josh said, something to the affect of -at the core we are love and how can we not be when created by God which is pure unconditional love so if you can see that core it becomes easy to love everyone-I'm sure he put that better than I did but you get the point.

One with God

If you read my blog entry "Just J, Just Me, Just joy" you know I'm not looking to anyone outside myself for the answers (or questions). As I said its just me communicating with the God that is a part of me. So what am I doing reading a Byron Katie book? or for that matter what am I doing still perusing the Lola Jones website? or popping in an audio cd of an Abraham/Hicks lectures? These are things that would be considered, in marketing circles, as "self help". But I'm not looking for help with my self from outside sources. The answers are all inside but that doesn't mean the actual words can't come from other voices.
A friend kept posting quotes on her Facebook status from a book called "A Thousand Names for Joy" by Byron Katie. They so resonated with the thoughts that were already strong in my mind. Some of the terminology was even the same. I felt in alignment with the quotes. Its not that they were teaching me something new so much as reminding me of what I already knew.
Christians believe the only inspired and true word of God is the Bible. I say bull honkey. If God is alive and still in existence than its only logical that God still be inspiring people to write what is True. The only difference from the writings (and the spoken words) of now and the Bible is the differences in our human understanding of linear time. The authors from long ago and far away put it into perspective as they understood it. Their mental filters created a book more relevant to that time and that authors personal experience. The people who say the Bible is the only True word have to interpret those writings in relevance to now. To do that they have to have an understanding of the history, the culture, the people of that time. Its a whole field that most christians don't bother to familiarize themselves with. They depend on their pastors interpretations who is himself using his own filters to understand and interpret the so called true word. And its the same throughout history-whith whatever writing-historical, inspirational, philosophical etc.
When I read those quotes by Byron Katie, or listen to the Abraham/Hicks cds, or read/hear the words and watch the videos of Lola Jones, I feel in alignment with what I already know. I don't see those people as gurus. I don't praise their words. I don't feel awed by their masterful teachings. I simply see them as messengers of what God wants to say to me-on a personally.
And its not only the people and their words. I drove by a green hill the other day and was almost brought to tears by its beauty. When I play with my kids sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with LOVE. When my reactions to imperfect situations are ones of joy I feel perfect. When I feel totally fearless and completely myself around people who normally make me feel uncomfortable(mostly family and strangers) I am empowered. When I resist the urge-or better yet the urge isn't even there-to defend myself or my beliefs, then I am at peace. I am one with God.

This is no Bun-in-the-oven!

Where did the expression "bun in the oven" ever come from. Obviously from someone who's never been pregnant. Have I blogged about this before? I know I've ranted about it before. Especially at this stage when the belly is so full of baby that all my insides feel squished and my outside feels stretched and there's a general feeling of heaviness. A bun implies that its an entity completely of its own and the so called oven is spacious. But this is a human that is being formed from my very own blood, breath, and nutrients. And its a tight fit to get a 8 or so pound human, a placenta, and amniotic fluid into this already crowded 5'1" body.
Those pregnancy weight suites that people wear to know what its like to be pregnant only touches on a tiniest bit of the experience. Sure weight is added in a very short period which can be hard on the back and joints. But the real torture is deeper. In the first months there are the hormones-which fortunately my last two haven't been so bad-but for some people and for my first made me feel like I was going crazy-like I wasn't me anymore and in a way I wasn't. Then the weeks and weeks ofconstant nausea mixed with ravenous hunger and out of nowhere exhaustion is not a good combination-especially when having to deal with, you know, life. During the second trimester finding clothes that accentuate the fact your pregnant and not just eating too much cake can be a little frustrating-more so if you already have a little pot belly. A not so bad side affect during the 2nd trimester is the increased libido-unless your partner is usually gone the times of day that kicks in. I'm onto my 3rd trimester and remembering why I didn't want to be pregnant this early in Zi's life. I am limited in mobility. I can't chase after or carry Zi without aches or getting winded. Bending over is painful and knocks my breath away-and toddlers are very good at dropping things on the floor. Night time is the worse. After a full day of activity it'd be great to lie down and rest the aching body and do a little deep breathing. But there's no longer room enough in my body cavity to get deep expansive breaths-not to mention the heartburn, sinus and respratory issues, a baby jabbing some limb into some nerve, and a general feeling of internal claustaphobia.
So why do I do it? Well, wether you want to call it a science experiment, a cosmic symphony, or a miracle, a being that is forming from my breath, blood, and nutrients is an amazing experience. I'm reminded every day, by the children I have, of the enrichment a child can bring to my world. Although there are aches and pains, I feel nothing but beautiful when a friend expresses appreciation for my big round belly. I like the look of my body pregnant. When a baby moves inside my body it makes me giggle. Despite the seemingly long hours it takes to drift to a comfortable sleep, I usually awake into a new day with an energetic body that is ready to take on that day. I am blessed to have a kid and a partner who understand what my body is doing and can forgive the inconveniences of having to help me more. I am thankful for the friends who've been there done that and can appreciate both the beauty and the beast of pregnancy. I'm excited to experience the divine high of childbirth. I'm looking forward to being a part of this new humans life experience. I love the love of children and am so honored to have them in my life.

tid bits

My belly is HUGE!

My baby is busier than ever-always wanting to go walking outside-which can get kinda tiresome since I refuse to scale any big hills and I'm surrounded on all sides by hills. We've been trying to get to parks as often as possible though so she can run free.

My oldest baby is on her way home and will probably be here by the time I actually post this. I'm so looking forward to cuddling her again.
*yep, she's home and I have yet to publish this post (and another one). Great having her here! She's such a lovely lady but still a kid too-lots of kids would be a little awkward at this stage but I believe not being in school is helping her adjust far better. She's not a weird homeschooler-she is just free to be who she is without judgment, without having to impress some clique or a variety of teachers, or even her parents. She's free to like and do what she's drawn to and make friends through her interests-not feign interests to make friends.

We've been steadily working on the house to get it ready to list. I'm not getting as much done as I thought I could-mostly do to the huge belly and busy baby.

Hung out a little with some Houchin family. J finally got to see what an actual alcoholic is. Now he knows why I think half the people who call themselves alcoholics are just stupid. Other than that it was nice to see the aunts again.

The first cousins on the Barry side keep popping out kids-myself included.

I've been waking around 4am again. Must be a 1st and 3rd trimester thing. What do I do in those wee hours? Well, I lie in bed and compose blogs, fb statuses, journal entries and lists-most of which don't make it outside my head. I wander around the house in the stillness and dark. I sometimes try to meditate if I can breathe-another lovely little pregnancy thing where my lungs get wheezy and my sinuses closed.

I wish everyone would leave John and Kate alone. Seriously, I don't like the show that much and think they're not so great parents. But I've seen far worse parents every time I go shopping or to the park...and most those parents don't have the stress of having several kids of the same age and cameras constantly on them.

Still planning on bussing somewhere warmer in the winter. Summer in the Hills makes us wonder why we'd ever want to leave-this is the best time of year here-and its the best time of year to be pregnant. I can be so active and be around friends. It'd be even better if I was in RC and could be around friends more and only a few minutes away from great parks, pools, shopping. But at least its better than being stuck in the house in the several months of winter -oh yeah, that's why we're leaving here for the winter:)

I've eaten my way through a 3rd batch of Rice Krispie Treats and I'm still craving more-though my wrists get tired and hurt when making them.

Ordered a few things off Amazon. "A Thousand Names for Joy" by Byron Katie, classical baby dvds, a couple sewing books-both of which could also help Adeline learn to sew, and an Anne Rice erotic novel.

Zi is really really into climbing lately. She's also been bonking and crashing more frequently.

I told my midwife that IF I'm still living here, and IF my water breaks before I know I'm in labor (like it did with Zi), and IF the contraction come quick and hard after that (like they did with Zi), then I'm having this baby at home.

I've been having mini anxiety attacks lately. Though it might partly be due to just not being able to breathe as well with a growing belly. Plus I always get a little anxious when J is hours away.


We've been having lots of thunderstorms-odd for July-its even still green everywhere.

Today is lake day. I'm ready to be on the beach with a big ol preggy belly.

Just J, Just Me, Just joy

This video makes me all warm and fuzzy-probably because I hear that laugh in the background so often and truly love the person that lets it roll out of him.

When he came back from the retreat he glowed. He was so happy. I wasn't. I was working through my own stuff and still hadn't released it. He thought I was annoyed with his happiness but really I was just uncomfortable. Neither of us are usually very expressive. While uncomfortable, I loved that he giggled at everything. Meanwhile I wanted to cry at everything-but didn't. And so I held on to my issues and he let his constant joy fall a little to the side.
We both have issues to work through-to let go of and never let return. I like to cry in seclusion (usually in the shower), take a walk in the woods, write, or sit quietly in contemplation. I'm not exactly sure how he lets go-other than the uncontrollable laughter. But I'm learning that just because he's quiet, unresponsive, irritated, or inside himself doesn't mean it has anything to do with me. Often after he gets out of a "funk" he verbally expresses a realization of an issue he's worked through or is working through.
While we have very similar goals and desires we have different approaches to them. Our childhood, personalities, families, questions, hurts, and reactions are different. But we're both learning that letting go of those stories frees us to follow our hearts inner joy.

The lady(LolaJones) in the video is not a guru. But she has some interesting things to say and has said them in a way that reminds me what I truly love about being on this earth. She's reminded me to let go of the stuff that gets in the way of me being immersed in God. I respect all the enlightened people who've made their living spreading their joy. But for now I don't need their wisdom. I could listen/read some of it and appreciate it. But I don't really want to look to their way of doing things as something I need or want. Right now its just me listening to the wisdom within -communicating with the God that's me at the core. I am happiest when its just me inside my head-but "just me" is bigger than the physical part of me.

I don't ever remember being a joyful kid. I know there came a point when I consciously stopped smiling open lipped because I was paranoid about my crooked teeth -but it started before that. Even though I was mostly happy or at least content I wasn't bubbly. I'd curb any outward signs of excitement-opening presents was always embarrassing - being the center of attention was always embarrassing. Joyful people didn't bother me though-in fact some of the people I felt most drawn to seemed continually joyful.
I didn't cry much either. Or get mad. In fact for as long as I can remember I have been expressionless. Except for a moment in my late teens, early twenties. When I was in college we watched a video that made me start bawling. It was then I learned the advantages of losing myself to my tears. I'd cry in the shower or the seclusion of the prayer room. It wasn't depression or sadness so much as release. And I was joyful too. In passing when someone would ask how I was, I'd always grin big(if I wasn't grinning already) and answer "great!". I was playful like a child-I carried my books on my head, made snow angels, climbed trees, and wore my hair in pig tailed braids. I didn't care what others thought of me. I felt alive-tuned into something bigger.
And I was constantly communicating with that something bigger-laughing, chatting, revealing, asking. I called it God but I didn't see it as something separate from me. At the time, as most Christians, I would say that it was separate and only attainable through accepting Jesus Christ as savior. But I didn't in truth believe it. I've never believed it. God has always been my constant companion-me only bigger than this earthly body can contain.
In hindsight I realize that throughout my life the times I have actually been depressed are the times I tried to separate myself from God -The times I've viewed God as the controller, the father figure, the unattainable except through religion. But now I see that we are all God. We've chosen to experience this world in the physical but still have an awareness of our God Self. When we find that connection to ourselves we are at PEACE. We are joyful. Sure there's sadness in my life and anger. This world does affect me. But then I let it go. I realize that when I'm happy I make the choices that feel right. When I follow that instinct to do what makes me happy my life falls into place and I feel good about everyone and everything-even the "evil" has no affect or power over me. I see that "bad" people or rather people and their choices and their attitudes don't have to put me in a place of ickyness. While I get can sad, or anxious, or angry, at the core I'm honestly and always joyful.

Pluttification Tables

I do not know my multiplication tables. But I know how to multiply. Inside and outside the unschooling circles the question inevitable comes up- "What about the multiplication tables?" Just what is so important about this group of numbers that is so necessary to memorize? I'd be happy to never have to deal with them. But I'm in a unique situation with my oldest daughter. Her dad and stepmom keep asking her about them and it frustrates her to not be able to make them proud. I think eventually they'll catch on to the whole unschooling philosophy and won't take pride in anything but Adeline in and of herself. However until then I've promised to help her memorize them. But she doesn't have a real desire to learn so she gets annoyed when I remind her to write a few sets. I've explained to her its no big deal because its just memorization-like a poem only less rhythmic-and to some number junkies out there it may even be considered the most beautiful poetry in existence. I've tried to tell her that its not math she hates because the multiplication tables ARE NOT MATH. Math is what I do budgeting for this weeks meals, estimating how much food I'll need for guests, doubling recipes, figuring out how much gas I'll need to get from point A to point B and back again. Higher Math is for engineers, carpenters, lab scientists, and your average DIYers-and that math is easy to learn when you need it and use it consistently. She already uses math but since we don't fill in worksheets and recite tables she doesn't recognize it. She uses math when she plays video games, draws, or figures out if she can jump from one bench to another or the best place to cross a creek, and she uses math when estimating how much stuff she should bring to entertain herself when we drive from point A to point B and back again. A lot of math is just common sense-part of living-those stupid tables are making her think she hates math. So I kinda let the table memorization slide-and she doesn't seem to mind anymore about impressing anyone. As usual Pippi Longstocking says it best, "I've got along fine without any pluttification tables for nine years, and I guess I'll get along without it from now on, too."

rolling

Pastries: I've been craving a custard filled roll but haven't been able to satisfy it...

Balls: Yesterday was so nice that I worked in the back garden. I combined two small gardens into one and now it looks like a penis complete with balls. We're going to fill it with herbs.

Wheels: Seriously considering going of the road full or most the time. Looking into coverted busses. Its the kind of lifestyle we're perfect for.
I decided I want a Rav4 with third row seating. Sure a mini van would be a great kind of car for us but I just can't bring myself to own one. Now we have to find out if its towable-for when we go on the road.

Feelings: Yes, feelings roll. And they've been rolling right through me. I'm practicing letting myself feel. Instead of burying the icky feelings I'm letting them come, and letting them go. Some are still stuck but its getting easier to let them on by. Its even hard for me to express wonderful excitement-don't know why that is-don't really want to figure out why. I feel more free because I feel.

Books: Don't really roll but I have some thoughts rolling through my head concerning the books I've been reading. First, I'm totally stoked that I'm allowing time to read-figure I better absorb as much written word as I can before a new newborn rolls into our lives in September. Anyway...Here'a the books and thoughts...
*Twilight*, yep I've jumped on the Twilight bandwagon and read the first two books and the next two are being shipped (as of 4:38:52 pm yesterday were in Lexington, KY). The story is is great. The mythos of these vampire is fun-I like that some of the classics are kept like vampires and werewolves still as enemies but even thats a fun twist because according to New Moon the werewolves exist to kill vampires. But I both hate and love the characters. Bella seems all independant and witty but then gets all damsal in distress all the time, overly clumsy, and stupidly obsessed-to the point of not being able to live without her dear Edward-and when he goes away she just substitutes Jacob for him. Adeline is reading them too and I'm glad we can talk about how that is not an appropriate role model for happiness or love. Its almost disgusting-maybe it would be better if it were more magical or something, I don't know, it drives me crazy-plus its way too sappy. And the author really shouldn't write a 600 page book because she has a very limited vocabulary and dialogue. And she has no talent for foreshadowing. Yet I find myself still intrigued by them-the movie was so much better and oddly the characters in the movie are a little more 3 dimensional.

*Pippi Longstocking*-now there is a role model. I love the dialogue about multiplication since Adeline is facing some similar issues with her papa and step ma. Adeline digs it too and I hope she can connect with her-but even if she's only entertained I'll be happy she enjoys it.

*Some RV books*-I might expand on that more when we know more about where we're headed with that one.

*Things Are Going Great in my Absence: How to let go and let the Divine do the heavy lifting*: Its an experience. Its the arc of my spiritual journey-not that I'm going downhill now-this one just really hit home and I feel like I don't need any other outside influence after it. I still enjoy listening to the Abraham/Hicks audio's because its along the same lines. But I don't care to read any more spiritual stuff-maybe to learn about them but not to learn from them. J has really embraced it too-well actually before me. He came back from his meditation retreat all giggly. It was a little uncomfortable because I was still (and still am) learning to let the feelings roll through me and he was all unstuck. Like I said I have trouble even showing the good feelings. I'll have to write a bigger blog about all that later-but I'm keeping to the rolling theme here...

*How to Raise a Healthy Child in Spite of your Doctor*-good book, its not really telling me anything new at this point though so I might gift it to someone else.

*Immersion Travel* J got it for my bday. Its loaded with short term volunteer and learning experiences all over the US. Its exciting to see all that is offered. We're gonna love this lifestyle!

that's it for the books for now...

Rolls of fat: are disappearing from Zi's legs. She's been walking since 9 months but until recently its been limited to the house. But with all the awesome warm weather we've been having we've been able to le her run free in the parks and to an extent the neighborhood.

Belly: its getting bigger-not yet to the point where I have to literally roll out of bed.

More balls and other playthings: not the aforementioned kind of balls. Zi likes throwing them-she plays fetch by herself-speaking of fetch we're getting a dog. And we're taking up disc golf. And hopefully we win that travel channel golf vacation to hawaii-not that I've ever golfed, I just want to go to Hawaii-its been my dream to be on a warm ocean beach with a big preggy belly.

Rain:its rolling in now-no park today- but its better than snow.

Pregnancy

Here's some entries that I would put in a Pregnancy Journal if I kept one. And since I didn't keep one for any pregnancy I thought I'd do some comparing too-although I'm a little fuzzy on much of the details of Adeline's time in the womb. I used some of the questions from the First Born questionaire that was going around for awhile.

Birthdates:
Adeline- 10/24/98
ZoraJane- 4/4/08
Fitz- will be sometime in September of 09

Were they planned and was I married:
Only Zi was planned-for two whole years! Yes I was married for all of them-I'll leave it up to whomever to figure out if it was a legal marriage or not.

How I found out and who I told:
Adeline-I was trying to get put on birth control. I had the exam at the IWU clinic that didn't have doctors and since it was the weekend one couldn't prescribe the pills. I got my period that weekend so I had to wait a month to try again. After the month I went into the clinic, they gave me a pee pregnancy test which came back fuzzy so they ordered a blood test which, suprise! came back positive. I cried-I wasn't ready to be a mom. I walked to E's work right away, crying the whole time, and told him. We went to the library and checked out what I now believe is the worst pregnancy book ever-What to Expect When You're Expecting
ZoraJane- After two years of trying and a couple miscarriages I knew before I conceived that that would be the month it would happen. With a little more knowledge about ovulation and the cycle I took a pee test and joy of joys it was positive. I didn't tell Adeline, but she was in the next room and when I came out she looked at me suspiciously and said, "You look different."
Fitz- Zi was 9 months, still breastfeeding and my periods were not regular. I'd been feeling a little icky for about a week so I bought a Preg test while I was getting groceries. Adeline was hanging out with our friends and I took it there to take the test. It was positive. So April, her daughter Madi and Adeline knew first. Afterward went to Kmart and asked Josh if he was ready to do this again-he wasn't suprised though.

Feelings about the pregnancy:
Adeline- Didn't want to be a mom. Didn't want to be domestic. But still in awe of the life growing inside. Toward the end though I just wanted her out of there so I could have my body back.
ZoraJane- I'd grown into motherhood and domesticity. I was ready for a new baby and a new life to enter our family unit. A little nervous about not getting the natural home birth experience that I wanted.
Fitz- Surprised. Not yet ready to be pregnant again or have another human to care for. But its growing on me. A little nervous about labor and what to do with Zi, but expecting as wonderful experience as with Zi.

Was abortion an option:
Adeline: Don't know if it was a legal option in the state of IN at the time but it was a consideration-along with adoption. Even though I was married I really was scared to be a mom at that moment in time.
ZoraJane and Fitz-not really an issue for me this time.

Symptoms:
Adeline- About a week of yuckys in the evenings during the first trimester. My hips hurt when I vacuumed-wierd thing to remember. I was more creative. I couldn't sleep much at night but slept too much during the day. Like 70lb. weight gain. At the way end high blood pressure and extreme swelling.
ZoraJane-Very hungry at first. Then very yucky and fatigued all day every day for about 3-4 months-I called it chinese water torture. After that I felt lots of stretching of my uterus and tendons and muscles. At the way end again with the high blood pressure and extreme swelling. Only about 30lb. weight gain. Snoring started ??? and that's when Josh started sleeping in the basement and didn't show up in our bed til she was a few months old. But Adeline didn't mind the snoring-she started sleeping with me when he didn't so I wasn't totally lonely.
Fitz- hungry, then nausea and fatigue but not as bad or as long with ZoraJane. I didn't start to show until about 18 wks (I'm now 20wks). And I don't feel any stretching or other physical symptoms.

Cravings:
Adeline- I cliked ketchup for the first time in my life. I ate lots of pasta but don't remember if that was a craving or just what we could afford. I craved McDonald's fry's. I became disgusted by Americanized Chinese food.
ZoraJane- At first it was very specific and always different. Then I hated food of any kind except maybe occasionally muffins and pumpkin loaf with milk. Cheerios. Didn't like Subway or the smell of it.
Fitz- Again with the specifics though at first it was lots of milk and carbs. I ate Rice chex for practically every meal for awhile. Again with the bready things during the yuks. I lean more toward the sweets, breads, and spicy foods so far-although I sometimes get a hankerin for a steak or sushi.

Support:
Adeline- We lived across the river from Louisville, KY. All I had was Eric and he worked most the time so I felt very alone. Not near friends or family and it depressed me. But that was back when I depended on others for my happiness.
ZoraJane- Adeline and Josh were big supports. But I also had a good friend who was pregnant, a few other friends, a good midwife, and family close by.
Fitz-pretty much the same as ZoraJane

Showers:
Of course I took showers although its a little harder right now with a 1yr old to look after...no I didn't have any showers. I had some family who were going to host one at my house after Zi was born. I gave them dates for when would be good but then got an email saying she forgot. I might throw myself a shower this time around august and even if no one shows up (besides April because she promised) I'll still have lots of food leftover to freeze.

Labor and Delivery:
Adeline- Wasn't very educated on the whole thing. I was the first of any of my friends and family to get pregnant-and after we moved I didn't make any other support for myself. Like most people even 10 years after the only knowledge came from the media and the common hospital/screaming/angry/drugged/horrible event that it portrays-and most people actually experience. I was so sick of being pregnant that I whined so much they agreed to induce me the following Monday but that didn't happen. As soon as I started having regular contractions we went to the hospital-where the contractions stopped. They kept me anyway. After contractions started again they eventually gave me something that made me sleepy. I cried everytime the nurses checked my dialation. I think they either induced me with drugs or broke my water. Its was violating and typical with nurses holding legs and telling me what to do and when to push and fake encouragement. It was so awesome to have her out of me though and I loved her.
ZoraJane-just read my post from April 2009. It wasn't a homebirth but it was a wonderful experience. Drug free, IV free, and violation free. I went into the hospital for testing of my blood pressure-which went down while there. As I was getting released my water broke. I lay on my side and had intense contractions while they re-checked me in (it was a new computer system so it took awhile). I tried laboring on my hands and knees on the bed. That didn't feel good so I stood beside my bed and squatted through contractions-my midwife camped out on the floor behind me along with a wonderful nurse who so awesomely stayed out of my way so that I didn't even know she was there til after it was done. Two 1/2 hours after my water broke I was nursing a baby.
Fitz-check back in a few months...


Post Partum:
Adeline- visited by E's family in the hospital. She slept either with me or in a clothes basket beside the bed. She cried the entire first night we were home and it made us very nervous and worried. My mom flew in a few days afterward. When Adeline was about 4 dys old we drove to Nashville, TN just because and walked around the Grand Ol Opry-nice indoor garden but I was feeling the pain (the one after birth where it feels like all my insides were going to fall out). I was nervous to leave the baby but E and I drove to Old Navy-we were gone about an hour or two and it totally freaked me out. She never did sleep in a crib simply because she wouldn't-not because I was taking a stand for co-sleeping. Breastfed for about 8 months. She never would take a pacifier and she cried a lot. But somehow we still bonded and we have an amazing bond that keeps growing.
ZoraJane- I wasn't going to allow anyone to visit me in the hospital because I didn't want it to be remembered in that environment-but I ended up letting my mom and gram visit. Of course Adeline too. I was so high on natural birth that I could barely sleep and just wanted to go home-I was so happy. The next day at home I made chicken salad while Josh, Adeline and Liz (who was in the area because of something Justin had going on in RC for guards) played wii. In the following months, other than my mom and gram a few times (and some of josh's family a couple times) I never had any visits (I'm working on letting those feelings of disappointment/irritation go) Enjoyed a very quiet baby-I don't think she figured out how to cry until a couple weeks later. Immediately started losing all the water weight and after 2wks I'd lost like 35 lbs. We did co-sleep because co-sleeping is best and provides the mama with the best rest. Still breastfeeding. Still bonding-Didn't leave her for more than a few minutes with anyone else until a couple weeks ago when I left her with Josh for about 3hrs. while I went to see a showing of The Business of Being Born.
Fitz-again check back in a few months...

thoughts on life learning

I'm so in love with unschooling aka life learning aka learning all the time. I love that the learning is not separated from life. I love that it goes beyond education to include interpersonal communication and building strong trusting relationships. I love that it has given me a better perspective on my life past, present, and future. I love the joy, the fun, the compassion, the mind expansion, and the peace it brought to my inner thoughts as well as my family dynamic.

As for a method of homeschooling, if you do the research- read some books, check out a few websites, and talk to other unschoolers-there would be no question that it is an effective way to learn. It goes right to the core of how people learn. Its not creating a workforce drone like public school does, its not segregating the intelligent/rich/religious from the drones like private school does. Its not basing a persons worth on how many facts they can memorize, or how good they are in team sports, or how many extra curricular activities they can cram into their day. It doesn't separate learning from living. To a person who doesn't understand unschooling it can be difficult at first to recognize what's being learned. After a while though, if a person can take their own schooly education experience out of the equation, they can see how much an unschooler is learning and more importantly how much they enjoy living and learning from life. "School" isn't a chore/hated/feared because to an unschooler, school isn't separate. After learning about unschooling I noticed all the unschooling in my own life. I realized how much more information I retained, more enjoyment I got out of the process of learning, and how accomplished I felt when I learned from life as a child. As a child growing up during the summers on the farm we were allowed to play for hours without much supervision. Our creativity was boundless, we resolved conflict on our own, and we were in great shape. I learned cooking, sewing, gardening and crafts from a grandma who loved doing those things. She taught with her own enthusiasm, patience, experience, knowledge, and her willingness to let us try it hands on. And in school the things I still remember fondly are the projects that let us explore the topic and work with it hands on-like building topographic maps, cooking "chinese" food to learn about the chinese culture, writing a report about our favorite country (mine was New Zealand), reading The Iliad and the Odyssey, and constructing our own portfolio of every aspect of our ideal church. In my adult life I learn the unschooling way. I've expanded my sewing, gardening, and cooking skills. I taught myself to knit, craft, use the computer, manage my time. I;ve sought help to learn to drywall and other remodelling projects. I still read fiction, non-fiction, biographies, spiritual, current events, and how-to books for the pure pleasure of it. I write, I hike, I swim, I listen to music, and I play for the pure fun of it.

Unschooling demands parental involvement. This requires, first of all, that I actually enjoy spending quality time with my kids. Secondly, it means respecting my kids as equals. Thirdly, I must recognize that they have their own individuality. I can't expect them to act, react, think, feel, learn, or be like me. While I can't sit back and ignore my kids, I can passively allow them to figure out some the answers and resolve some of the conflict on their own. I don't force them to learn facts that don't apply to their lives at the moment, demand they practice writing over and over til their hand hurts, require them to mindlessly read a book just because its a classic, or quiz them out of the blue or after we do something "educational". What I do get to do is be present in their life. This means when they have a question I answer it or help them find the answers. When they express an interest in something I do everything I can to let them explore that interest. Sometimes it means saying yes to messes and stains, yes to getting us out of the house, yes to spending a little cash for whatever tool (although 2nd hand stores means a little less cash), yes to just sitting down and having some conversation, and taking the time to educate myself on how to guide her in that interest. Its not just about education though.

Unschoolers love life and each other. We've learned(or are still learning) to really listen to each other and respect another persons opinion. I've personally learned that my happiness depends solely on me. In this household we're learning to allow each other to work through our own issues without reacting negatively-to let each other go through the emotions and find our way to our happy place. We don't place value on each other for their accomplishments but rather we value each other for just being. Basically we're learning to live by every major religious premise-to love unconditionally.

I wonder how many more of us would be happy in their careers if they were allowed from childhood to adulthood to follow their passions-to really dig into the things that interested them and expand their minds as far as they wanted to take it. How many more happy people there would be if their caregivers had allowed ( and helped) them to make the messes, the music, the models, and the mistakes that spark their neurons, trigger some dopamine, and give a rush of adrenaline. And how many more would be happy in relationships if, as children, they were treated with respect, listened to as equals, had trusting relationships with their caregivers, allowed to express themselves without shame, and given the freedom to define themselves..

the creativity has left the building

Ugh...I've been having trouble with my creativity lately. Even my blogs over the long while have seemed...boring. There is a little word play here and there but nothing too insightful. And its not that I write to impress other people- alot of times its just to get what is in my head out-but the thing is nothing has been going on in my head. Josh got a new ipod touch and is so excited about podcasts so we listened to one the other day in the car. It was then I realized that I haven't been exposing myself to other forms of creativity (like music) -and art begets art. So I'm trying to make time to take pleasure in art-first with music. I miss reading, writing, crafting, going to (music) shows, and walking around in the biggest art display (nature).

I have to remember this is natural when you have a new baby-a baby requires attention-not just because she is helpless but its important that first year to form an unbreakable bond of trust. I'm getting a little better at managing my time so I'm able to write this blog now while she's sleeping. And of course many things she can enjoy with us-we've been hiking when it was warm and I want to take her canoeing and to some outdoor music shows when it warms up again. Crafting, reading,, and writing are a little harder right now because I still like to sleep when she does and when she's awake I can't focus much on those kind of things. I'm looking into podcasts and audio books and when we can drive more I'll invest in an ipod so I can enjoy those things in the car.

I also need to get over that feeling that I need a clean workspace before I can start a new project or enjoy some crafting with Adeline. Its taken a long time to finally get the house cleared of enough junk that I'm only now starting to feel like a clean workspace is even possible. We've missed out on a lot of quality projects together because of that hump I've struggled to get over. But the house is clearing up and I'm ready to make some creative messes.

The hardest part about losing my creativity is that is hinders my facilitating Adeline's exploration of the world. Although that's not entirely a lack of creativity-the winter hasn't helped and we've overstayed our time in a place that doesn't allow for us to get out for weeks at a time. Josh says that next winter we can move someplace tropical for a few months-even Rapid would be tropical compared to here. Now that the weather is warming and the roads are clearing we'll be getting out more. Adeline is starting a weekly fencing class that takes place in Rapid so I hope to take advantage of Rapids other offerings-the library, museums, socialization, swimming, galleries. Twice a months she is taking a wilderness day camp that I'm excited to participate in as well. Cooking is still on the back burner til my stomach settles but Adeline has been experimenting with some smoothie recipes. She even started writing a smoothie recipe book but has abandoned that idea-I think its great that she even started and I have to learn that she doesn't have to finish a project in order to learn something from and enjoy it.

So, the cobwebs are in my brain but I'm starting on a little spring cleaning.

I am dualistic

I heard the heartbeat and have had to face the fact that I am pregnant. No more denial.

my duality....
I'm not looking forward to being pregnant-although it might be kinda fun to be so during summer, maybe I'll even make it to the beach with a big pregnant belly this time.
So far the nausea has not been fun -although not as bad as with Zi. It's only been bad the past few days as opposed to months and months with ZoraJane.
I've even had to quit using cloth diapers because the smell of them sickens me and the work involved isn't something I want to deal with right now-although Zi's little butt looks so cute unobsructed by bulky cloth. I might go back to g-diapers with the disposable insert when the yuks pass.
On top of the yuks we've all been cycling through various viruses for two months now-no "although" here, being sick just sucks.
With the lack of sleep I've had difficulty maintaining my positive attitude. If any of you have or ever spend 20 minutes talking to my gram you'll know where I get my anxiety/fear/worry from. She's a great lady but I've had to fight the urge to worry-and its a struggle when I'm tired. Although, its been good practice at finding the happy and staying there. A few years ago I wouldn't have been so successful.
And finally I'm sad because I wanted more time with ZoraJane. I got to spend 9 years with Adeline and even felt a little sad (amidst the joy) that I was adding another person into the mix. But I've only had 9 months with Zi before feeling the affects of another human. It feels a little unfair.nBUT...I wanted more kids, I love being a mother, and I'm pretty adaptable. I just need some time to fully accept the affects on my body and our family dynamic. Before long I'm sure I'll be fully supportive of adding another family member. Plus its kinda cool that Zi will have a playmate so close in age.

And life just keeps rolling along...

All the changes...

Around the house:
Josh decided to not work so much extra this month-YAY! He'll actually be home sometimes. And I think he quit working at the Deadwood Pharmacy all together and told them we're moving. He is going to look into working relief work at the travelling pharmacy agency that he wants to eventually maybe work full time for.
We got a storage unit. Another big giant YAY! We can finally free up the house. I'll be able to breathe again. Of course there is complete chaos right now while I'm packing and organizing but its livable knowing that order will come of it.

ZoraJane:
Did I tell you Zi is walking. She really started taking off at about nine months. She never really did the pulling herself up on an object and walking around it. She started out in the middle of the floor and stood up from a squat. She plays while squatting too. I figure because its how she was birthed into this world.
Zi is also going to bed a new way. She used to be rocked and nursed. Now she prefers to lie in bed and fall asleep-sometimes while nursing sometimes just cuddled.
What else is new with Zi...she plays by herself more, singing and grunting to whatever she is playing with. She has two bottom teeth and I think more are coming in. She still doesn't eat a whole lot of solid foods still prefering to nurse. She thinks dropping things is funny-especially when we pick them up for her. She plays peek-a-boo with people but she figured it out on her own because I don't think we taught her that.

Adeline:
...is playing lots with Webkinz lately-she figured out there are "chat" rooms. She spends a lot of time on there-sometimes with her friend Madi. She's also busy doing recolors with paint-usually of sonic characters, though she's ventured into doing some fairies as well. She's also been emailing a little with friends. I like that she can still be social when we're stuck in the house because of snow and cold.
She's going to take fencing lessons in March. And hopefully she'll get to visit her IN family for a couple weeks in February. She's been learning more about money and I've let her walk down to the store by herself to spend it. We got her some second hand ice skates so she's been able to try them out a couple times. I got some neat history books that incorporate recipes and crafts from that time period-real hands on stuff. I'm looking forward to trying those out with her along with general cooking too-Her grandma got her a really awesome cupcake decorating cookbook that we've experimented with a little.

Friends:
My good friend finally left her abusive boyfriend. Yay! Now that he's not controlling her time she's able to hang out more with us. She already looks so much better and her kids are so happy now. The idiot threatened to commit suicide in front of her and the kids when she told him she was leaving. Even more idiotic is that that morning he told her he wanted her to leave (not the first time he's threatened to kick her out). She's no longer playing the role of vicitm-she's getting back to her old wonderful, independant, outgoing, friendly, happy, motivated, self and it shows.
I've reconnected with some friends on Facebook. Can't really say re-connected though because most of them haven't really particiated in any communication. Its wierd. I originally wasn't going to do anything with FB. Then I did a virtual nurse-in with some of my fellow lactivists. While there I started adding friends and got friend requests and it snowballed into suddenly having all these people from my college days as friends. IWU was a lifetime ago. I'm still very much the same but different too. Our lives are in different places which hasn't stopped the friendships I've maintained with some people-like blosser and jeremy (both from the jeremy and jeremy show) But I'm not sure how much energy most the others want to put into an actual friendship. I can get along with most people and find some kind of common ground (back then alot of it was music) so I'll leave the ball in their court...

Me:
I'm growing another human. Its still way way early though (like 6 weeks) so I'm not offically announcing or anything because it could still go away. Not super excited but I'm not disapointed either. I'm not afraid of having two young babies but not looking forward to yuks, exhaustion, , or discomfort while caring for an already baby-but who knows things could be different this time-at least it'll be warm and I can get out and walk. And the Joshism-when Wood Magazine called Josh to see if he wanted to renew, he told me he declined becuase apparently his wood is working just fine...
*Update* It looks like it might be going away-not sure yet. I've been horribly sick with a stomach bug and got dehydrated and stressed in general. I have to say that if I have to be sick during (and becasue of) pregnancy I do not want Zi to be so young-I just can't take care of all of us when I'm sick. So I'm not disapointed (too much) if it is going away. 1/31/09 still not sure-it seems to be holding on

Upcoming travel...
Josh is planning on going to a silent retreat in March-that's so cool. I'm obviously not going-can't imagine the kiddos being silent. but maybe we'll do something else fun-mabye we'll go visit Liz nad Mirabelle since Justin will be off to the war again :(
In May we're going to Vancouver, WA to the LIFE is Good Unschooling conference. Triple Yay, Yay, Yay!
February 2 we're going to Hill City for our annual celebration there of Josh's birth. MMMM-delicious german potato salad and divine dessert-followed by a fun visit to the dino museum and restocking our wine rack with fabulous prairie berry wine.

Change is good. Family is good. Friends are good. Life is good.

christmas gifting

I already had the way cool black with sparkles mixer but J got me an ice cream maker attachment and a Ben and Jerry's ice cream cookbook. Adeline got a flip video camera so she can explore her movie making skills. I bought myself a sweet hello kitty sewing machine-which is actually, according to reviews, still a really well built machine Since wrapping bacon seemed like a bad idea, I opted to decorate a box all bacon themed and throw in the cute toys that came with the Bacon of the Month welcome kit. Zi didn't get much (from us) because like the video shows she's already an unschooler who makes toys out of non-toys. It's long but not near as long as how long she actually played with this stuff-which is hours in baby time. BTW this was made w/ Ad's flip. (which I'll get posted just as soon as Adeline has a moment to teach me how to do it)****can't do it-grr. anyway she's playing with spoons and a box while toys are strewn about the floor. She's singing or growling at them, banging them, walking with them (or maybe dancing). Its cute-maybe someday I'll figure out how to post vid.

Welcome 2009