Community Ramblings

I don't necessarily think it takes a village to raise a child but I do think it a necessary component to a mothers sanity. I'm not sure the childless understand its importance. I'm not sure even some fathers quite get it. It may not be something some mothers recognize the need for-the ones who have it already? -or maybe a certain personality type that doesn't require it? But I need it. I crave it. I had it on a certain level as a child through my family. I didn't need it so much in my teen years. Then I tasted it when I lived in close quarters with others in college. Later I totally lacked it when I had my first child. I lacked it so much that I completely forgot myself for a while. I tried desperately to find it in unsavory places. I resented the one person who I should have loved entirely -or perhaps it was that I did love her entirely but didn't know how to show it. But it wasn't until I found community that I learned to love her proper. And through that love and through that community I learned to be a better person and a better mother and was able to have more kids.
I've devoted myself to my children willingly. It's not something all mothers do. Its not always easy but my lack of community has made it even more challenging. I say lack, but in fact I have ten times more support than I did with my first child. its not enough though. I would have loved for mothers/friends to have brought me food after my delivery. I would have graciously accepted a shower to have been thrown-as long as it was done with my personality in mind. I needed someone (during the times J. worked) to just hold them a few minutes for me to catch my wits or grab a couple winks. My oldest, now 11, could have benefited from having friends to be with or for someone to have taken the little ones so she could have me to herself.
Like I said, I had more support than I did the first time around. So the lack wasn't one hundred percent. But the question is: Is the lack my own doing? I know I've tried to form bonds. Is it because the bonds I've formed live further away and those bonds aren't strong enough to bring them to me when I need support? I've searched for it ever since my immersion into college friendships. I've found it online with my unschoolers and natural mamas. I've held onto it with a few old friends and family members. But there's a certain physicality of community that I haven't been able to capture. I need mama friend close by and not just online or once a week. J. says he thinks I didn't try hard enough to form it here in this town. I don't know if that's true. I know I'm not very good at building friendships with just anyone. It takes a special person for me to feel an instant connection-though I've rarely lacked at least one person that I feel connected to. And I've found those connections but not always in the most convenient places. No, I haven't found it in my neighborhood. Is it so bad that I want my community to have similar parenting styles? Or a similar belief system and philosophy on life?
I know I've formed bonds that somehow disintegrate. I don't know if there is any fault or one reason-they just fell apart. Maybe its me, maybe its just different paths. Maybe its actual physical distance. Relationships ebb and flow. But this can be such a non-committal society and instead of waiting it out it seems most people just end it when there is some sort of gap between the two parties. Friendships, jobs, spiritual practices, diets, gardens, and marriages all get abandoned instead of evolving into something greater. In fact its easier for people to search out reasons to be mad at a friend/partner/co-worker/child/god/etc than face their own issues and faults. Its easier to blame and reject another person than acknowledge that the problem may not be a problem at all but a projection of something we have to forgive in ourselves.
I love love love the friends I have. I love that I'm building more. I adore my physically distant friends. But it scares me too. Or maybe it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I don't know how to ask for help. I sometimes don't know my need for emotional support. Is this a pattern I've learned? Some fear or shame of my own need for a hug or a helping hand? I don't know where it originates, if it was intentional or if I'm just a victim of circumstance or poor education. of course its easier for me to see the emotional hiccups in other peoples lives and trace it back to where they began. Now I need to do a little time travel, take a step outside myself, and throw a rock at any past bad-habit-babies so these adult-bad-emotional-behaviors disappear. Its hard in my instinctual-mama phase to look deeper but i need to make an effort to keep evolving and not let myself disappear. I'm only able to do it with community. I can't do this by myself. Sometimes it helps just being in the presence of great mamas and daddys, even when I 'm a little preoccupied with babies or the basic acts of existence. One comfort I have in this crazy time is that I do at the core feel happy. Even though I feel disoriented much of the time, its not a hopeless feeling like I've felt before. In fact I feel quite confident that I am at peace even when a part of me feels a little chaotic. I think in part that's thanks to friends I have and the steps I've taken to not drift away and get lost completely inside myself.