Fine Lines

That reminds me-the word of the day calendar for my birthday had a word that means finely wrinkled-I'll have to insert the word later because I can't remember it. Josh at least got a cool one on his birthday-autodidact. That's an excellent description of him.

It's a big ol fat line between season finale's. I don't like that left hanging feeling. Is there a fine line between too much television and the right amount? I like tv. The dramas onscreen are a vacation from my overly pensive brain.

There is a fine line between allowing Adeline to follow her own curiosity and allowing her to view/listen to things that are inappropriate. She discovered videos on MySpace. I've had to explain the importance of listening and watching the videos closely before she adds them to her favorite-how they represent her in a way. I've struggled with explaining what is appropriate because what is appropriate to a child who is allowed to be her own person and follow her own curiosity and happiness? Should I allow her to post videos that include songs with "nigga" and "ho"? I've tried to explain why I dont' like songs that disrespect women or groups of people-

Tangent>hey even if it is a black person singing nigga, its still disrepectful. Just like it is disrepectful that women think being equal to a man means that its okay to degrade and disrespect women. Read Female Chauvanist Pigs by Ariel Levy to know what I mean.

so anyway. How do I let adeline persue her interest in Fergie(and other prominant women) and get into her music yet tell her she has to respect herself-that she does not have to be thin and sexy and dress in teeny tiny articles of clothes? I'm not afraid of who adeline is or who she'll become. I'm confident that she'll make choices that will make her happy and bring her fulfillment. However, I want to let her remain a kid with an innocent mind for as long as possible-I try to explain to her that her brain hasn't develeped the emotions and thinking skills to fully understand dating and sex and that her body isn't ready for it either. At least I'm trying to explain it to her instead of telling her "because I'm the mom and I say so".

There's a fine line between independance and dependance, at least in my life, and how it relates to my happiness. I'm happy being a domestic-raising a kid, cleaning and cooking, doing house stuff. But I know I'll be happier when I can work in an environment outside of domestic duties. Not just because the extra income is nice. I've noticed whenever I've had a job, even a lowly job or a volunteer job, I seem to be a little thinner, more vibrant, and extroverted. I think its the external challenges to my brain, the getting outside of myself. Although I'm not happy when I have to depend solely on myself for income whilst raising a kid-no that just causes all sorts of anxieties. I will feel more myself, more independant yet still partnered when I can add other sorts of duties to my my household chores. If you've read my previous blogs you know that I'm looking forward to the day we can make a little cash from homesteading, have some rentals or a pub, and raise some more kids. However I've also been drawn to massage for about ever. The massage school here isn't my idea of a high quality school but I figure if I get certified through them and continue my education through workshops then I'll feel qualified. I'd like to be a freelance writer as well but writing has been difficult-mostly because I doubt myself. So I have options, now its the process of stepping over the line to persue them.

There is a fine line between feeling satisfied and feeling stuffed. Also between my head or my stomach telling me to eat. I'm really trying to pay attention to my body so I don't cross those ones. And I'm trying to make adeline understand the importance as well. Putting energy into our bodies that we don't need, putting things into our stomachs that can't be converted to energy, and letting stress or emotional issues be soothed by food, those are the big contributers to obesity in my family and I don't want me or adeline to succumb to them.

There is a fine line between Adeline in her sleep state and her awake state and I think she's about to cross it so I'm going to get off this thing and welcome her into the day.

when kids go bad

Went to Spearfish Park today. When we arrived there was a group of middle school(?) students. When it was time for them to leave one of the teachers was yelling and belittling the kids for not picking up all the trash and not doing it fast. And when one brave kid started to talk back-like any person should do if someone is violating them-she really came down on him.
All I could think was "that bitch". If my kid was being treated that way I would be so angry. I get mad at myself when I catch myself talking to her that way. But its so common to hear that kind of "communication" between adults and children.
Sometimes I do get annoyed with Adeline and I talk disrepectfully to her. But the cool thing is, she'll call me on it. Either that or she'll talk snotty right back and then I can't be mad because I'm the one who started it. And we'll talk about it. We'll apologize because we know how hurtful words and tone of voice can be. And we're better friends for it.
People think kids are bad for so many reasons-built in sin, because they're kids and haven't yet learned to be good, lack of discipline, lack of prayer in schools, lack of God, lack of income, lack of proper training. But the real reason kids are bad is because adults don't treat them like people. Many adults think of kids as someTHING to be molded and perfected and twisted into a mangled idea of what they or society demands. And they don't just do it with kids. Adults treat other adults just as bad. But every age should be allowed the traits associated with both children and adults. There's the child-like curiosity, the sense of adventure, the desire for fun, and the need for hugs and cuddles. And there's the importance of honest communication about everything from feelings, to the way things work, to sex. A person will respect when respected. And sometimes they won't because they have shitty days too.

A bunch of stuff

I've started a couple posts over the past few days-One was entirely lame so I'm not going to post. The other is turning into a book so I've decided I might as well just write an essay and post it in parts. So in the time being, here's some highlights and some entirely mundane moments in my life lately.

Went to the hemp hoe down-reminded myself once again how socially awkward I've become over the past few years. Adeline had lots of fun playing with kids-which is totally cool because we can be too dependent on each other sometimes and not know how to interact with others. I had an alright time-finally got to meet some cool homeschoolers and can see some possible long term friendships if I continue to take the opportunites to form friendships. Listened to some good music.

Slept most of mother's day. Since we were camping the night before and I didn't sleep at all between the hard ground, reggae in the distance, and the strong wind slapping around my tent flap. Josh got me a card from him and the cat-he did that last year too so he better do it next year so it becomes one of our wierd traditions.

It's that time of month-not the period-the time before when my breasts are growing-and they hurt and I don't like to carry them around and I have to hold them just to walk up the stairs or they bounce and hurt even more and I can't fit into any support but a sports bra which smashes them and they cry out to be set free (any males reading this and groaning, tell me, what did you name your penis? case closed) I really need to see Kayte (my acupuncturist) so she can help me regulate my extremist hormones. Or I could just put the power of the mind to practice...

Let's see what else?

Adeline is taking her nationally standardized test that is required in this state, every two years, for homeschoolers. It's laughable. She thinks its kinda fun cause its so easy. I think its dumb homeschoolers have to be tested but, whatever, it could be worse. But really is that the national average of a 2nd grader. Public school really is just an overly strict, no fun, baby sitter.

I read this cool thing that one public school 5th grade class does in Spearfish. And another cool thing the Deadwood school system is doing. I'll write about them later along with another post I want to do about trash. Both require me to fact check with a couple different articles and I just don't want to do that right now.

I was kinda bummed about losing yet another best friend. I don't want to detail about that either-mainly because I'm tired. Actually that was a little part of my lame post I mentioned earlier. I'm not really bitter because I am truely happy that she's happy, but honestly it feels shitty to practically be dumped. I'm not easy to warm up to and when people do get close to me I usually think its pretty fucking special and I'm pretty loyal to that person and give so much of myself to that person. So, yeah its kind of like a piece of myself abandoned me. I didn't even get a happy birthday wish from her-which I can't complain about horribly because I always forget people's birthdays. And yes I would tell her all this if we ever spend time together again. She really is a great person, she just hasn't been a best friend.
But its been a great opportunity for me to not rely on others to have fun and enjoy life. I went camping with just Adeline and met some other cool people and got to excercise some independence. Also when Josh and I went out to see The Madhats in Dwd I didn't feel like I needed to be there on the off chance that I'd get to meet more cool people or feel like I had to be there to see if they could make me happy---I was there and enjoyed some music and when Josh and I got hungry and tired of smokey stuffy air we actually left and enjoyed a cheeseburger, each other's company, and our own created happiness.

And of course with the warm air and sunny days the landscaping and gardeing is in full force. Hard work is awesome! We remembered why we don't like to go anywhere for long periods of time during the summer-we like to stay in this area for the beautiful Black Hills summers and to tend to our own interests in the garden and home.

So tomorrow-more landscaping, maybe a trip to the park, groceries, there's always some cleaning, more testing, more blogging if I'm up to it, more writing if the muse visits, more practicing mindfulness, and more creating joyfullness in myself.

As You Are

"Everyday I wake up and its sunday ....I want to sing to sing my song...home is where your heart is but your heart had to roam...there is no design for life."

I've been listening to Travis. Jeremy V. turned me onto them a few years back. They remind me of the old shoe gazer music I used to listen to in college but more varied-they're not the "play some electric guiter, mumble about something, play some more guitar" but still it has that feel. More the feel of Luxury-Jeremy B. just sent me a couple of those albums.
+Tangent+hey remember when Jeremy V. and Jeremy B. had the Jeremy and Jeremy show on the IWU radio station and then the next year Jeremy V. wasn't there so I took his place and we still called it the Jeremy and Jeremy show cause it was funny and we'd always end the show with-aw shite I don't remember-was it Mortal? Good times.

I'm in a reminiscing mood.

So anyway-I really like the sound of Luxury but not hip to most the Lyrics-they're just not where I'm at in life-their questions, their answers, their antagonism isn't mine anymore. But a thoughtful gift nonetheless.

I like my past. I've complained about it- but never regretted it much, though I've wondered about the different paths I could've taken. I've thought about how it shaped me, how I shaped it, how I shaped my now in the then.
I'm so glad for the people throughout my life. Most have spun out of my orbit-some have lingered-all have remained in my memory and thrive in what they've contributed to me being me. I have such a fondness for such a variety of people. All are special.
I'm glad for my experiences. I like that I don't look at any point in my life as the most special-okay so my 21st bday has yet to be topped but actually it was just chance that my bday fell upon that particular adventure. Part of why I was always opposed to first times, proms, high school spirit, and weddings had to do with my dislike for the-best-time-of-your-life attitude. I like special moments but I don't want them all to be in a past with nothing to look forward to.
I like this moment right now-typing to no one in particular, thinking about the past but not changing it, not living for it.
I'm looking forward to the people coming into my life. The ones who I'll be appreciative of and have an affinity for. I'm grateful for what we'll have to offer each other.

add a line for $9.99

We're going to add a line for Adeline.
The deal is: If she can prove to me that she can take better care of her stuff she can have a cell phone. I don't expect a perfectly clean room but stuff can't be left where it can get stepped on, clean clothes can't be piled in her closet, cd's/dvd's have to be in their cases, electronics have to be kept track of, and books have to be piled or shelved. It wasn't a bribe or a reward-my goal wasn't to get her to clean her room. My goal was to get her a phone and be confident she could take care of it. She saw it as sort of a reward but the reward was in and of itself and I think she's seeing the merits of living in a clean space.
Of course in her head having a cell phone means she can call her friends whenever she wants. I've explained that is not the case-we're home most the time and she can use the home phone which doesn't cost extra money. The phone is for her to use to call me whenever she wants when she is at her papa's (or anywhere away from me), to occasionally call her friends when she is not home, and for emergencies. She still wants one. So my 8 and a half year old daughter is getting a cell phone-I remember a time I thought it was crazy teenagers had cell phones. Now I totally understand the necessity of them.
I need her to have a phone just as much as she wants one. I want her to able to call me when she's away. I want to be able to talk to her when I miss her. I want the seceruity that she'll be able to call if there's an emergency or just when she wants the comfort of my voice. I want her to feel safe-and like me I think she'll find safety not in being dependant but in her own independence. She'll have the ability to call-to connect-but she won't have to be within shouting distance.