its party time '08

The New Year is right around the corner. Time for bunches of looking back on what the year held for individuals, society, government, finances, etc. Yeah, I'm not really into that. Breaking up my life into yearly summarizations-not for me. But I do love our New Year celebrations. Last year was the smallest, and most impromptu. I was pregnant and we didnt' expect anyone. But Justin and Liz drove here at the last minute. It was cool because we got to hang out with them without any other family dynamic. I didn't even bother going downtown to see the ball drop-too cumbersome carrying around the ball in my belly.

This year is going to be crowded though. And a big plus in my opinion is the addition of kids at this years celebration. People are finally catching on to the idea that having the kids around when celebrating can be a good time. Of course gramma Jane is coming too and will take care of the kids (except mine) when the adults want to get a little more rowdy and go places kids aren't allowed. But the majority of time hopefully will be spent at the house. We'll eat lots of yum yums, drink some good wine, beer, and soda, water, milk or mama milk for the kiddies, play wii, talk, laugh, and maybe even shake our boom booms.

The combination of kids and adult drinkers got me to thinking why some people have such a hard time allowing the two groups to mingle. Particulary my family-both my ma's side and my biological dad's side. On both sides there is an underlying religous reason to not drink at all. But aside from that I realized that combining kids and the adult drinkers in my family is dangerous. Drinking doesn't take a person away from reality so much as it lessons that's barrier between our ego and our true self. The depressed, angry, unhappy individuals that make up half my family just becomes a more extreme group of depressed, angry, and unhappy people-not to mention the pediphile who also used to be a drinker. But in my experience the Morrisons (for the most part) are still the same people wether they are drinking or not. There is a little less inhibition but its of the good kind-less shyness, the funny gets funnier, and there's more free flowing conversation. None of us are drinking to feel less lonely, give us the confidence to confront someone, give us the self esteem to get laid, or the strength to beat up our brother. Plus I think most of us know our limits well enough to not get so s**t faced that we can't take care of our kids when they need us. Its a good time with the Morrisons and the kids that we're attatched to. With the Morrisons its always a party wether there is drinking or not.

And while there was no drinking with the Barry's over Christmas eve-it was still a party. A huge bonfire has become our annual tradition-it used to be board games. There's lots of laughing, eating, chatting, opening presents, and sometimes picture taking of the grandkids and great grandkids in front of the tree. Its cool becuase the little kiddies are taking over again-a new generation. I wish we had more celebrations with the Barry's. Not as uninhibited of a party but still a good time.

gramma Jane's matching outfit pose ideas

"What the...who...what's going on here!"


cousin Mirabelle eyeing Zi's candy cane


christmas angels-its sooo precious

a walk about the farm

After the Long Weekend

Spent Thanksgiving in Mitchell. Some thoughts occurred to me while there or on the ride back. I came up with some things I could have said had I been part of the conversation but wasn't -either because I heard about them from Josh or I just chose not to participate. Some realizations hit me about myself and my life. Here's some thoughts...

A response in a conversation about unschooling (I wasn't there)...
"The really wonderful thing about Unschoolers is that we are generally secure enough in ourselves that we don't feel the need to justify our decision or even explain it to people who aren't genuinley interested or aren't even open enough to listen to and learn about what we have to say."

What I am thankful for...
I love my family-on my side and Josh's. I think my family is truely wonderful on so many levels. I enjoy being with them. Eating, drinking, talking, laughing, and playing with them. I also like hanging with strangers-I think there is something interesting to learn about or from everyone. However I feel so much more at peace when with friends. I've chosen friends who are supportive of me (and Josh) and all our ideas and plans. Friends who respond positively when we talk about what we want to do in life and what we think about life. My friends are, or at least trying to be, tolerant and accepting of all people. I know there are people who are not like my friends and I love and accept them. I even like being around them most the time-just not for too long. Its hard to maintain a positive loving attitude when constantly met with negativity and resistance. I'm learning to maintain a good attitude and kind heart even in those situations. But that's just it-I'm still learning. Its still hard but its good practice. So I am extremeley thankful for friends but I am also thankful for the people who teach me to be a person who is happy no matter what.

A second chance...
I missed a lot in Adeline's life because I wasn't "there" emotionally -Little milestones that I can't remember and didn't bother to write down -The wonderment in her eyes as she learned about her world -The understanding of her as she goes through the process of becoming human and my unconditional love to go along with it. Its so different with Zi. I have support from friends and my partner. I wanted to be a mother to a baby. And I was ready for all the things that goes along with it-the lack of alone time, the responsibility of being the person another human is dependant upon, the change in family dynamics, the commitment to let another human into our world and let her be who she is and not who we expect her to be. These are things I'm still learning to do with Adeline but so far have come easy with Zi. I wish I could have experienced them earlier with Adeline but thankful I get to experience them now.

A change of heart...
I prefer to stay home with my kids rather than go out and "party". I have enjoyed nights out in the past and foresee enjoying them in the future. It used to bother me that Josh could go out while I had to stay home with Adeline. For most of our years together I was the only one in his family who had a kid. No one else saw the fun of staying at home and letting the kids participate in the festivities. I grew up always being a part of the party. The kids played with each other and sometimes hung with the adults while they chatted, played board and card games, ate, and sometimes drank. The adults included us in conversation and play. But so much of the partying with Josh's family doesn't include the kids. Josh went out over Thanksgiving while I stayed at the farm with the girls. I can honestly say that for once it didn't bother me. The bar was extra smokey, the coversation revolved around war and other coversations that I didn't want to get into. And frankly I just enjoyed so much being around my kids instead. One of the reasons I like hanging with the Mother's Collective people is that they do adult things, they're not afraid to drink or talk about anything, yet they include the kids. I wish I had that with family too-especially now that many of them are having kids too. But even if I don't I think I'd still rather hang with my kids than talk trash and get so drunk I couldn't take care of myself let alone my kids if they needed me. I don't think I'll worry about feeling left out anymore.

Finally...
I'm excited again about the holidays.

in brief

Actually I prefer thongs-the really strappy ones with jewel encrusted crotches...
Seriously, I have been:
*mothering, feeding, chasing, diapering, rocking, carting around, wiping a nose, and babbling at a very busy and mobile 7 month old
*designing furniture-modern stuff that would fit better with our style and in our house-and any future house
*listing what needs to be finished up on this house to put it on the market
*sorta researching the US Virgin Islands, Hawaii, modern furniture making,travel trailers, digital cams, video cams
*missing Adeline
*getting over illness
*jonesing for ice tea
*hanging with April and Corvin
*washing diapers
*working my way through all the organization and packing away of all our stuff
*cooking
*trying to get this blog entry posted

Real Housewives???

There is a Bravo Tv series called "Real Housewives". I've seen a handful of episodes from each of their locations:Orange County, NY, Atlanta. First of all they are not housewives so much as they are society wives. Their numourous paid help include but aren't limited to nannies, housekeepers, assistants, stylists, chefs, and personal shoppers. I would classify a housewife as someone who actually takes responsibility of at least a few household duties if not all of them. What I've learned about these so called housewives is you don't need talent, smarts, or even beauty to be rich. And you don't need compassion, generosity, selflessness, or even kindness to have friends or people who want to be your friends.
I hope they are happy. I'm not sure that they are though because they spend a lot of time and money trying to impress other people. They constantly bitch about other people-especially the people they consider their friends. I'm sure they have some redeeming qualities-after all none of us are 100% good or bad. But the only one I've liked is Lisa Wu Hartwell and her husband Ed Hartwell. While I wouldn't classify her as a housewife she is not limited to society wife either. She works outside the home and her husband is her partner in most of her endeavors. Apart from that she seems to have likeable qualites such as kindness, honesty, and tact.
Its just tv. Lots of editing is done I'm sure. But from what I've seen I'm glad I'm not a society wife. I'm happy being a real housewife. Even if I eventually earn my own income I'll probably still be responsible for the household duties. I consider that work-the stuff I do to "earn" my keep. Its a great job really because I can stay in my PJ's if I want. The biggest part of my life though is being a mom. That often keeps me from my household "duties"-but I'm getting better-Even while nursing this awful cold I've managed to make dinner twice, creme brule, and cookies. Plus I've made a considerable dent in my big-ass project of organizing, packing away stuff we don't use often, and general cleaning up enough that the baby can crawl around without too many hazards.
So, yeah, being a mom. Seperate from being a housewife. I can't really consider being a mom as what I do to earn my keep. But I do think family is more important than work. I'm so glad I have the opportunity and support to be so involved with my kids. I'm looking forward to the days Josh can be home more and take a more active role in being a dad. He is a good dad and should get to spend more time being one instead of primarily being a provider. There is no word to describe how amazing it is to be a parent. I wish every parent out there could be appreciative of their kids-let their kids become, learn from them, live with them as equals, love them without wanting them to be their ideal of a perfect person. Imagine how much better society would be.
Well as my baby continues to snore away in the other room (she has a cold too) I'm going to try to get some of my housewifey things done so I can better enjoy my bigger better role of being a mom.

Fall 2008 snow storm

dirty rotten breasts +update

I'm not confrontational. I have my opinions and often share them-but I'm not extremely aggresive. In fact I like to take the approach of live and let live. Instead of wasting valuable energy fighting against something, I prefer to just have a postitive attitude toward the things I do like. I try not to let the people who are negative, offensive, pushy, hypocritical, passive-aggressive, manipulative, demeaning, and hurtful keep me from living the life I want to live. I don't actively fight for what I believe in. I'll sign a petition or two, vote, give to charity, and support my beliefs in other passive ways. But occasionally I get the urge to write a letter or two. This time I actually did it. I sent it too! A short version to the RC journal and a longer version to the business that offended me. I also posted it to an internet group of other natural mama's-they can choose their actions or inactions. As for me, I said my peace and let it go. I'm of course posting it here too complete with more commentary at the bottom...

~I’ve been breastfeeding my second child for six months. While I’ve not been shy about doing it in public I’ve maintained some modesty during the process. My torso (from my shoulders to my waist) has remained mostly covered by a nursing tank top and t-shirt. The skin on my chest not covered by my baby’s arms and head is, from nearly every angle but my own, not much more exposed than if I’d wear a low cut blouse. I’ve breastfed like this in shopping centers, parks, restaurants, and other people’s homes. If anyone has made any rude remarks or given awkward stares, I’ve not noticed. In fact I’ve been pleased with the general lack of uncomfortable reactions. I believe much of society is at least tolerant of public breastfeeding and a growing number are realizing how acceptable it should be. However there are still some who are ignorant to it benefits and try to make it a shameful thing.
A few days ago my family and some friends went to Watiki Water Park in Rapid City, SD. I was wearing a swimsuit with a skirt, a halter bikini top, and a tank top over it. A few minutes after I started breastfeeding a staff member came to our table and told my husband that I needed to cover up if I was going to breastfeed. Imagine my reaction! The water park is always packed with nearly nude people of every age and size. Everywhere you look you can see well endowed women with string bikini tops, wafer thin teens with swim bottoms sitting well below their belly buttons, overweight and obese people with large cellulite thighs, jiggle bellies, and hairy man boobs. In comparison I was showing very little if not less than most people in the water park. While all this exposed skin and the less than perfect physiques get noticed, mostly the focus is on having fun. I was shocked for the first time in my breastfeeding experience.
What really surprised me is that Watiki is a family friendly environment yet they weren’t supporting something that many families do. Who better than parents understand that children need to be fed? Seeing a woman breastfeeding provides the perfect opportunity for a parent to teach a child. It gives them a rare visual example of how breasts are not limited to the sexual objects portrayed in the media. Apparently it’s a lesson that some adults need to learn as well. Maybe if more business, especially ones that cater to families would support breastfeeding than the ignorance toward it would be eliminated. Perhaps more mothers would be brave enough to bare that tiny sliver of breast skin for the benefit of better nourishment, passed down antibodies, and the bonding experience that breastfeeding provides.
I ask that people and businesses support us breastfeeding mothers in doing what comes naturally. Stop making breastfeeding a dirty shameful thing. Support us and we will support you.~

I guess the situation irked me for a few reasons. First off it was the first time after 6 months of breastfeeding that someone reacted so negatively. I thought I was in the clear. I thought I didn't attract that kind of attention. I still don't think I attracted it so much as a negative. More as something to remind me that "hey there really are people like this out there and this is why lots of women choose not to breastfeed-they don't want to be humiliated-so maybe you should help educate the ignorance". Initially I got mad but it was more shock. Later I got kinda annoyed when I realized that the lady directed it at my husband and not me. Then I felt a little hurt and disappointed that my husband didn't support me-especially because he is good at dealing with confrontational people and diffusing those situations. Then five minutes later I got over it. I had fun. But during the two more times I was breastfeeding-not covered by the way-I let my mind compose a letter.

+update-So I posted my letter to the mother's collective list-a group of natural mama's. I underestimated their speed and power.Lots of them called and one had quite the exchange. Here's her post...

"Ladies,

I want to let everyone know that Brian just called me back from Watiki. He had the meeting with the supervisors and talked to his supervisor about this matter. He also made me aware that it will be coming up at the meeting with his staff later this evening.

He said that another guest complained about Amy BF in the park and the super on duty felt compelled to try to make everyone happy. Today that super and all other supers at the Watiki were informed that BREASTFEEDING IS ALLOWED at the Watiki and if a guest complains they will be told to not look at the BF Mom if it makes them uncomfortable, but that she is in all rights to feed her child.

I also offered my phone # to be given out to any staff members that may have questions on breastfeeding.

Through not getting mad and threatening not to come back and just calmly explaining and educating him on the subject, he was willing to take care of this situation ASAP upon learning about it. It is now a policy of Watiki and every staff member will be made known to this fact.

Having businesses and employees, I totally understand how sometimes we don't have control over the employee and their actions. But given a chance the head of the business would have handled the situation much MUCH differently. And given a chance the head of the business would make it known to everyone that the actions taken were unacceptable.

To the other Amy, I brought up your situation and he said he felt bad that you cancelled your reservations but he needed to talk to his super and the others there before he could make a decision for the park since he wasn't the "TOP" supervisor/manager there.

He did say that he got several calls today about this matter! YEAH!! And he was happy that we all brought it to his attention. He was very kind with me and did take care of it and then called me back right away to tell me the outcome of the meeting.

I wanted to share this with all of you as I was disappointed to hear of the situation Amy went through. Now after speaking with Brian, I am convinced that if I go there I will not have any problems feeding my babe there for the next 3 years."

at home

tickle toes

posers

necky beby

snapshots of summer

lake babies


rally '08

Spearfish park

hiking Roughlock Falls

a home away from home-aka home is where the heart is

I've outgrown Deadwood. Not sure if I ever grew into it. Maybe for a few moments throughout my time here-like those pair of jeans that fit only at an exact weight. I don't hate the town or wake up every morning wishing I lived somewhere different. In fact I'd defend this town to those who think its a crap hole. It's actually quite beautiful and has some endearing qualities. But its just not quite the right fit.

I can really see its beauty when cresting the hill-either from Spearfish or Sturgis. Its nestled between piney hills and white rocks. Its full of beautiful old stone and brick buildings. When it snows and is silent there is a true peace to the area. When its warm I like to sit outside the art deco building that houses Mustang Sallys and eat the best cheeseburgers ever. Every few months we like to check out the expanding model train station in the basement of the Wild West Winners Club. Before the baby it was a treat to listen to some live music and get a little buzzed-maybe do some dancin. Skiing is close but we rarely go. Hiking and snowshoeing are close too but really anywhere in the Hills is close to that. The most beautiful park in the Hills (Spearfish park) is only a few minutes away-along with the other wonderful features of Spearfish-its downtown, two pines coffee shop, the yenglins, some fun events. I like my house. It was loads of fun to remodel and could continue to be so-its yellow and old and smells like my grandmas old house -which is a good thing :). Its full of interesting people but I've never really warmed up to any of them-or maybe they've never warmed up to me. Small towns can be like that-hard to break into when not having grown up in it. I like the trolley, Alco, and The Chubby Chipmunk. I like Deadwoods summer nights, snowy days, foggy mornings, and rainy afternoons. I like the deer that walk down the street in front of our house and the birds who wake me up at 4am in the summers. I like a lot about Dwd.

I appreciate Deadwood but its kinda feeling like a rerun. Maybe because I'm home all day with only the kids. Josh works so much that my adult companionship is limited. I like every other Tuesday when I can play with April, Zi can play with Corvin, but poor Adeline doesn't have Madi now that school is back in session. Winters are harder becuase I get trapped in the driveway. And I love being with my kids but I'd like a more kid friendly house to play in and make messes in without it messing up the whole house. I'd like a neighborhood where we can ride bikes and take casual, non-sweat dripping, non-heavy breathing walks. I want to be able to invite kids and their parents over for playing and eating and exploring.

I feel trapped a lot of the time. Mostly becuase its such a pain to drive to Rapid and that is where I feel more at home. The crowd I really want to hang with mostly live in Rapid. That crowd is also full of kids Adeline likes. The library is bigger, the parks more abundant, there is more variety of stuff to do and classes to take.

So we're figuring out what to do. ??? Buy a house. Buy a farm. Buy a condo. Rent this house. Sell this house. What kind of house do we want. What nieghborhood is best for us. When is the real estate market good. Get a different job. Suddenly become independantly wealthy:) ???

We'll get there. I just have to keep appreciating what I have now-and get out of the house while its still warm-and endure the long trips to where we want to go-and keep trying to find local stuff to do and people to meet.

Hot

It is July. It is hot. Its about time. I love the hot days although I prefer to spend them outside in the shade. We've had a few park days-which is good socially for all of us. Even Zi had little playmate at each one. Mostly Corvin, Aprils baby boy with big shiny eyes and full pretty lips.

I'd like to spend some of these smoldering days in the water. But now my lake baby (Adeline) has gone to Indiana so I've no motivation to make it to the lake. I should go anyway-maybe more toward the middle of the month when the waters have had more a chance to warm up-then I can take ZoraJane in.

When its time to pick Adeline up I want to meet in Omaha and visit the zoo. But Josh is reluctant because of the humidity and heat.

Haven't done much cooking the past couple days. In fact we've eaten out at least one meal if not two for the past three days. I don't want to stand over a hot stove but really I don't want to waste the money on eh eh food either.

We went to Mitchell last weekend for the annual Morrison river gathering. Usually a bunch camp on the river that runs through family property. But this year it was too swampy-and too buggy for the babies (and everyone else). It was cool in the shade and we had the house nearby with its lovely indoor plumbing. Zi got to meet her two 9 month old cousins-they are so adorable. Its fun to see their personalities and development. Everett is a handsy(or armsy) little sack of potatos with a great big smile.Alex was constantly on the move, steamrolling over anyone and everything in his path. Babies babies everywhere.

ZoraJane is going to have another cousin in the fall. If its a girl her parents will never have to buy her clothes between the hand me downs from Zi and the clothes grandma Jane and aunite Jenna will buy her(which also includes the ones they've already bought Zi). Seeing Liz made me want to be pregnant again. Though realistically I am so not ready to be pregnant yet. I'm too fat now and don't want to add more heat producing, baby growing weight and swollen ankles and to have to cart around a growing baby on top of that-no thanks.

I haven't visited the back yard much this year. Its too scary to haul a baby down all those crazy stairs. I'd like to see what Josh is growing in his greenhouse-I guess his tomatos are as tall as he is. I'd also like to escape the heat of the house and enjoy all the shade in the back. But we bought some comfy chairs for the front yard and can hang out there in the afternoons. I'd also like to get started on re-mulching the back yard-work up a nice sweat. But I'll have to wait for a day when Josh is home and can help take care of the baby.

I also want to work up a sweat getting Adeline's room started. But again I might need Josh to be home-or at least for ZoraJane to take a long nap with out having to be held.

I hope we sleep well tonight cause the upstairs is plenty warm and a little stuffy. Also I smell smoke-probably still smokey from the fires in Canada and California. Amazing that it travels all the way here. But it does and its thick. I wish the fire fighters and residents (human and animal) peace soon as well as a speedy recovery.

I'm off to bed. Maybe I'll have some steamy hot dreams-you know like bravely walking across hot coals, burning my tongue on hot cocoa, or roasting marshmallows for smores over a hot campfire.

Happy Dad's Day

yeah this is late but it's taken several days for me to succesfully upload pics

The Green Post

I've been watching the new Green network formerly known as Discovery Home. Tonight we watched Les Stroud, from Survivor Man, in his adventure to get off the grid and live full time on a Homestead he and his family are creating. It’s pretty inspirational. Gives me the kick I need to really focus on manifesting our own little homestead here in the hills (but not too far from Rapid so we can get some socialization). There were a few buildings on the 150 acres that they renovated into living space. Instead of having one big home they have separate small buildings-I like that idea. One of the buildings is a homeschool and recreation building. I like that idea too. We don’t do the school at home kind of homeschooling (and I don’t think they probably do either) so for us it wouldn’t be like a school building with desks and chalkboard and globe and picture of George Washington. But it would be full of books, maps (and probably a globe), computers and project tables, a sink, and comfy seating. Of course we’d have a bigger barn for woodworking and furniture making-maybe some welding if I ever get the gumption to learn. I just love the idea of living simply yet fully on a big piece of land with animals and projects and nature to explore and learn from. And we of course need a sound studio because one of my kids has to be a musician. Adeline is the most likely candidate given her dad’s natural talent-but right now she seems more drawn (no pun intended) to the artist lifestyle.

We also watched a few episodes of Greensburg. Its about a town in Kansas that got wiped out by an F5 tornado and their efforts to rebuild in a green way. Wonderful idea. Watching it I don't know how a town like that would come up with that idea let alone how their going to get it done. First of all Kansas is so extremely Bible Belt-you know the kind of extreme where tree huggers are godless abominations. My "favorite" part was during a city council meeting to decide whether or not to include a park down the middle of main street a block wide. One guy against a big area of park said he'd been to Jackson, WY where they have that and he was afraid to walk through that park because of all the bike gangs, hippies, and (get this one) pregnant women with their bellies hanging out, (oh and) drug addicts. You know us women, us pregnant whores, we're dangerous and scary-we might just eat you.

I’m glad green is catching on. Of course this being America for it to catch on it’s had to become highly capitalized. It kind of takes away from the that whole independent, hippy, granola, homesteader, spirit but I like to believe it’s just evolved. And with evolution comes many varieties of living green. Us greenies have to keep that in mind and be accepting of the many shades of green that are going to make up the world.

In other news-Adeline is re-doing her room. We picked up some paint samples the other day. She’s looking at colors in the scheme of blues, purples and greens. She’s going for a more modern look instead of the antiquated, pink, Parisian style she currently has-I can’t say “she’s currently living in” because she spend so little time in that room. Partly because it’s so extremely messy most the time-but hey that is HER space and I honor her right to have a space that is how she makes it. Anyway we’re slowly getting her room packed up so that we can paint it. I like that she gets to be involved in the whole process-last time we just did her room when she was visiting her papa. I think it will be a lovely experience.

Jealousy also comes in green. And that describes Pru. She is a lap cat and I just haven’t been able to let her sit on the baby who has been occupying my lap the last two months. So instead I find Pru in places where we often put the baby (when baby is not in afore mentioned lap). There is the boppy pillow, a jungle gym (a floor activity thingy), and the stroller (where Zi naps in the morning). Pru is getting a little better. One morning I awoke to find her cuddled up beside Zi who was lying parallel to me cuddled against my forearm and hand. That’s better than her usual attempt to step ON the baby when she desires to be pet.

And for my final green entry. It is finally green. I thought Spring would never get here-and while its been really cold and rainy it is nevertheless green and I am so happy.

Our Artist in Residence

This is an example of what a kid(Adeline) can do when given the freedom of spending all day just figuring things out:

*a sonic creation-check out the shading-she may have copied the idea some but she figured out how to do it and that's still cool*
*her new friends in swimming lessons being frozen from the cold pool*
*punk bunny*

These were all done on the computer on Paint. She's also improving her hand drawn images and I'll post some of those later.

ZoraJane's birth story

Adeline and I tried to prepare for a natural hospital birth by watching You Tube videos. But other than them being drug free, we couldn’t see what was so natural about them. Most still consisted of the standard back lying position with nurses holding down the knees, glaring lights, and a doctor coldly instructing when to push. One video we liked was a home birth with a supportive partner and midwife. She moved around as she pleased taking advantage of different positions eventually giving birth on her hands on knees on a mattress on the floor. Candles provided light and relaxing chanting music played in the background. Despite my trust in my Midwife and Doula a part of me wanted to walk into the woods, build a den and do this thing by myself. I wished for something primal or at least away from anything medical. Although I’d been working on my fears I still had reservations about a hospital labor and birth.
Our tentative plan was to get a hotel room in Rapid once I noticed I was in labor. Then we’d go to the hospital as close to the last minute as possible. If I happened to pop out a baby before we could make it to the hospital than so be it. That was the plan.
During my last appointment my blood pressure was high-even after resting-and the swelling was going beyond normal. I’d also begun to have bloody show which is common in the last weeks of pregnancy when the cervix begins to dilate and efface. At least the ultra sound showed she wasn’t breech-something that was still difficult to tell through palpitation alone. We finished our errands and visits in Rapid and then headed home where I was supposed to get bed rest and continue to monitor my blood pressure.
Bed rest is not easy! Sure I like a good nap, vegging out in front of the tv, or losing myself in a book for several hours. But I was restless. I wanted to finish cleaning and organizing the house, get some meals prepared and frozen, shop for a few more items I’d want or need for when the baby arrived, and I still needed to pack an overnight bag.
Two days after my appointment my blood pressure wouldn’t go down so I called the clinic. The OB instructed me to go to Rapid right away for some monitoring, lab work, and 24 hour pee test. I kept kicking myself for even calling in the first place. I felt like it was a waste of time. I knew my blood pressure was high due to my swelling, lack of sleep, and my refusal to stay bed ridden: not because of pre-eclampsia. I finished baking my chicken, showered, had Adeline pack a bag of stuff, and packed my overnight bag because I didn’t know how long I had to stay for testing and it would be 8:30pm before we even got to Rapid. Two hours later when Josh got home we left for Rapid. We checked in through the ER, lied to the nurse about Adeline’s age so she could join us, and were taken to maternity. It was a roomy labor and delivery room with a desk, daybed, sink, and tv on one side beside the hospital bed. A larger part of the room had monitors, cabinets, a bathroom, a baby warmer, and lots of floor space. I was hooked up to machines to monitor my blood pressure, blood Oxygen, contractions, and the baby’s heart beat. The nurse had me lie on my left side facing the homier side of the room where Josh and Adeline sat. She showed us how to read the monitors, set the blood pressure for every ten minutes then left the room.
Despite some joking around, the fairly comfortable atmosphere (for a hospital), and attempts of hugs and reassurance, Adeline was visibly shaken. I think a mix of hunger, boredom, seeing me hooked up to machines, and the lie made her uncomfortable. Because she was so nervous we reminded her that she had the choice to stay somewhere else when we came back for the delivery-that she’d have a few days to think about it some more and to see how she felt later into the testing.
While the hours passed we discussed where we could grab a bite at that hour, watched some comedy channel, and checked the monitors. Josh and Adeline kept me informed about my decreasing blood pressure and the occasional contraction they noticed on the screens. The sound of the heart beat was lulling us into relaxation. About 2½ hours later the OB dropped by, checked the charts, and gave us the okay to be discharged. The nurse went to prepare a take home pee test kit and to check if the Deadwood hospital could do those labs to save us another trip to Rapid. I stayed hooked up to the machines. Several minutes later I felt fluid leaking from my nether region but I wasn’t sure if it was the pee I’d been holding. A few minutes later I felt a pop and a more substantial amount of fluid rushing out of me. My nurse came back and confirmed that my water did break-we laughed about it because she’d just finished doing what was necessary to get me discharged and now I had to be checked in. I called my mom to tell her that Josh would be bringing Adeline to her house. The midwife was called. It was midnight and I figured it would take several hours for active labor to begin so I decided to wait closer to morning to call my doula. By the time my midwife arrived the contractions were close and intense and I was slipping into my dreamy coping-with-the-pain place. I had Josh call my mom to come get Adeline because I didn’t want him to be gone for the half hour plus it would take for him to take her. As the nurses rushed to finish checking me in I continued to slip into myself-Josh had to answer several of the questions they asked so I could breathe through the contractions. Finally the questions were done, Adeline was comfortably with my mom, the monitors were removed, and the lights were dimmed. I tried lying on my side, walking around, sitting on my hands and knees on the bed, and thought a bout taking a shower. My midwife suggested I call my doula but by then I was too far in my own place and just shook my head no. Finally I just leaned over the raised bed facing the comfy part of the room. My midwife reminded me to breath slow and moan low. Josh was beside me-not in my way but not out of it either. He didn’t coach-he knows to let a mother just be from his experience growing up on a farm. I leaned on him, puked in a bag he held, squeezed his hand and almost bit his thumb before I realized I should maybe bite the blankets instead. For most the labor I leaned over the bed with my head buried in blankets and hair. I squatted through contractions with little rest in between. I was primal-moaning, humming, breathing, swearing, and sweating. The only face I occasionally caught a glimpse of was Josh’s-everyone else was behind me and I stayed in my head.
Two hours after my water broke I felt her there ready to be pushed out. Only toward the end did my midwife have to encourage me to push because I was so tired. Josh only left my side once when a nurse convinced him to see the head-he only peeked briefly-he wasn’t all that interested in seeing the ickiness of it. As I made the final pushes I remembered all the pictures I’d seen of the yoni depicted as a blossoming flower and tried to imagine my own body opening to allow a human through. She gave a small cry before she was fully out and seconds later she was in the midwife’s hands. Josh stood by her holding her hand while they did their thing (she was a little floppy). I stripped off my gown-although it was already nearly off hanging from my neck and arms-no modesty-and I climbed into the bed. Only a few minutes later my baby was brought to me.
For all the fears I had about a hospital birth I couldn’t have asked for a better experience. My nurse was so friendly and supportive. Other nurses came up later impressed with what they’d witnessed. My midwife let me do what my body needed to do and intervened only when my ego got in the way. Plus I didn’t have to clean up any of the mess. I assumed my home would be the only place I could have an ideal birth. But I discovered with the right support, keeping informed of all my options, staying educated on all things pregnancy and birth, and trusting in myself I could have an ideal labor and delivery even in a medical setting

freedom from myself

I like poetry. I love a good book. But sometimes music is the remedy to what ails.
I've been waking up with the refrain from Stuck In A Moment by U2 stuck in my head. I tried to find it on Josh's computer-wasn't there. So I went on a search through our cds-fortunately at one time I somewhat alphabatized them so going through shoeboxes of music was not so daunting a task. I found it. Then I went to rip to my own computer and it was already there- I was stuck in a moment.
I've been stuck in another kind of momentfor a few weeks. I've been trying to figure out whats wrong-how to get past it. How to fix my dis-ease. Sure the books I've read are good-all the variations of "living in the moment", "being mindful", "create your own universe", "let go of the ego", "happiness is from within". They all speak to what is True. But I don't feel like reading lately. I either get bored with the book, don't like the style of writing, feel like it's not telling me anything new, or with the current one I just get sleepy.
My story lately has revolved around the discomfort of being pregnant. I've been having a really hard time with extreme swelling, difficulty breathing, lack of sleep, and pains when standing. This is not how I imagined this pregnancy to be. I've asked the baby why it doesn't want to move head down-although I'm not really sure which way is up right now. I've asked myself why I'm causing these complaints. Myself told me I'm afraid of a natural vaginal birth. That seems like a wrong answer considering how pro-natural birth I am. But I accept it-the fear is there. I don't know how to get over the fear-I don't even really know if I have to know-but I've ackowledged it. I fear c-section too but is my body creating a medically neccesary c-section in response to my fear. I've even come to terms with the possibility-which is better than being adamently against it-but still is giving it too much. But I don't have to fear it either way. I'm pregnant! I've been growing a human for 37 weeks. I am happy to be here right now! I've been living in a future moment. I've been living in a past moment. Thankyou U2 for reminding me with words and music and reaching the spot that the books and the meditating haven't been able to penetrate.

36 weeks

Going on to 37 weeks and I am transitioning into being ready. My tummy is big! At least we can have fun with a big blank canvas. All three of our hands are traced and Adeline did the rest of the decorating as well.


This is one of the few shots of my tummy that includes my head. And my other head-oh wait that's Adeline's head. I had planned to get pro photos taken but the time slipped away. Now I'm so swollen that I'm not going to bother.


Like I said I'm transitioning into being ready. Mostly because I feel like I'm being attacked and invaded. I'm so tired all the time because I can't sleep very well at night. Its all part of the natural progression. I guess if the end of pregnancy was a box of chocolates we mama's would want to stay pregnant forever.

good morning

I'm up at 4:30 again this morning. This time though there are no pains, no extreme hunger, no sinus issues, no worries. I'm just refreshed. I did eventually get hungry for some butter and honey on toast and a glass of milk-and my mind wandered a couple times to my painful swollen ankles and wrists and my still head-every-which-way-but-down baby. But that has all been within the past hour and a half-so fleeting moments of unjoyfullness are expected.

Over the past days I've done well at getting what's in my head into written form: Starting with writing daily, weekly, and extended "to do" lists and continueing on with completing that list, I've finished up a rough draft for my Birth Plan, gathered and recorded addresses of family and friends for personal reference and for sending out birth announcements, rough designed a birth announcement, written a letter to acompany a letter written by adeline to her papa and kelly about her beliefs and non-beliefs, helped adeline with the grammar of her letter but allowed all the thoughts to be hers, and kept up with my daily calendar of jotting down what we do during the day. Also to complete my "to do" list I bought some high quality sewing scissors and began cutting squares for a quilt I want to make Adeline(although I can't do much of that at a time becuase I'm in the swollen and painful wrists portion of my pregnancy). I've also began scanning pics from my gram's photo albums-several were taken late 1800's early 1900's-they bring me such delight. I've been getting some organizing and nesting done, although not nearly as much as I'd like. And finally I've made lists of and even purchased some of what I'll need before popping this baby out-including an ultra cool rocking chair-although Pru seems to think its hers...

pirate headed breeched bum

At my 30 week ultrasound they printed off a couple head shots. Adeline and I think it looks like a mad skull-maybe a pirate. So I had to draw some cross bones (you can't see them very well-I'll have to get a better marker). Argh.

According to the books the baby has until the end of this week to move head down on its own. I'm not worried about a breech. If she doesn't move on her own I have an acupunturist who can help move it, plus there's the tilts I can practice. I might be resisting its moving a little to-I love to put my hand on her head-if you look at my belly the head is usually between 9 and 11 o'clock. I like to feel the little bump. Josh doesn't play with or talk to my belly very much-other than a random poke once in awhile. (and I'm perfectly fine with whatever make him comfortable) But I did have him feel her head one evening which seemed to be trying to get out through my skin. His comment was a very Josh comment, "It's like there's a human in there". Adeline is more touchy feely though. She rubs it, tickles it, and baby talks to it-all that on top of just always being by my side anyway cuddling. So I think the baby likes to keep her pirate headed self right where she can feel my hand and listen to her her sister. Eventually she'll voyage down.

98%

At 20 weeks I had an ultra sound. I'm not entirely sold on wether ultra sounds are good or bad. I wanted to know the gender and if there were twins-the doctor wanted to know the measurements. The process wasn't all that super-they acted like something was wrong with the machine, the baby was active but wouldn't turn in the direction they wanted to get all the measurments, the tech wasn't very chatty and had a worrisome look on her face the whole time, I couldn't see the moniter, and an hour later they finally let Josh and Adeline in and then hurried through the fun part of letting us see. No twins and couldn't quite make out the gender.
After switching to Rapid I had another ultra sound at 30 weeks-they wanted to get the rest of the measurment and to check on my placenta which was marginally covering the os at the 20 weeks. Good reasons I think. But it was cool this time because there was a screen we could watch the entire time, adeline could be in the room the entire time (josh had to work), and the tech was chatty and friendly and pointed out parts-you could even see hair at the nape of the neck.
Everything was good, the placenta has migrated, and the tech is 98% sure its a girl. Which is cool because practically everyone seems to be having boys lately. Risking that 2% chance that its a boy I added a bunch of girly stuff to my Target Registry. Adeline wants me to have a boy next though because we have to many girls in the house-to up the equality we decided that all the fish in our pond could be boys.

why

*This isn’t news to any of my many friends who’ve given birth at home-but for those who don’t understand why anyone would want to.

What most OBs, many Nurses, and some CNMs don’t realize is that they are not responsible for my labor and delivery. Their role in this process is to occasionally check that it is progressing naturally and to intervene only if it is not. By “naturally” I don’t mean “normal”. There are lots of “normals” when referring to childbirth. Normal is not induced labor, painkillers, or being strapped to an IV and monitors. Normal is not harsh lights, odd smells, unfamiliar faces and hands. Mothers of all kinds have been doing this naturally and successfully for many years compared to the medicalized and intrusive way that has become so routine and acceptable. I am thankful for medical advances that could save me or my baby if needed. However a lot of the problems that so commonly arise in hospital births are a direct result of it being a hospital birth. The unfamiliarity of the setting and the people, the expectation of something going wrong, the many germs, the fairly strict guidelines of what a labor and birth is supposed to look like and how long its supposed to last all contribute to the kind of scary birth that we’re all familiar with either from experience or from what’s portrayed on tv.
I do not appreciate the taking over of my body and my baby when we are trying to do something natural. Imagine you’re at home in your bathroom taking a crap-the door is locked, you have some nice reading material, the lighting and air temperature is comfortable. You have all the time you need and the only people in your house are ones you’re familiar with. Now how would you feel if a rotating staff of uniformed nurses barged into your bathroom every few seconds and demanded you spread your legs and lean back so they could poke fingers in your crack. They’ve already hooked you up to some machines to make sure the waste is traveling through your digestive track within a given number of minutes. Then another uniformed person, this one ranking higher than the nurses, comes in and tells you its time to push. He/she keeps their eyes and hands fixed down there. Because you’re so uncomfortable you might not be able to push that pile of poo out. So the much more qualified person gives you an injection to progress things faster. But those injections cause you extremely painful cramping so they decided to jab a needle into your spine to ease the pain. Now you don’t feel anything and you can’t push so they decide to cut you open and dig in with their tools to clean you out. Hopefully the medications haven’t caused permanent damage to your nervous system but you still have to recover, not only from the cuttings and jabbings, but from the emotional scarring of being violated and taken over in the first place. Let’s pretend that somehow you where comfortable enough to open up that sphincter and begin pushing. Halfway through the person tells you to stop pushing so they can examine your poo “real quick” to make sure its all okay. Once its all done, your finally wiped and washed and dressed again but you’re still left with the feeling that something was not quite right.

The whole scenario sounds ridiculous but it’s only a slight exaggeration of how many women, including myself, feel during a hospital birth. Personally I don’t want to do it all at home with only my partner and daughter to assist me-currently that is the only legal homebirth in SD. My family is not qualified if something should go wrong and I would feel uncomfortable in that situation as well ( However I do applaud the bravery, confidence, and willingness to take responsibility of those who do choose to do it at home assisted only by partners and family.) For me I would like the choice to have a qualified and experienced person to assist my homebirth. Someone like that knows if there is a need to get to a hospital. Unfortunately not only is it illegal to have someone qualified assist a homebirth but I don’t live close enough to a hospital qualified to do births or take care of me and my baby if something should go wrong. It’s all very frustrating.

Despite the insistence of the media and medical community, a hospital birth is not a normal birth and shouldn’t be forced upon us. The law gives me the choice to take responsibility for driving my car, cooking my meals, raising my kids, wearing seasonally appropriate clothing, remodeling my house, and crossing a busy street. Sure I take the time to educate myself on how to do those things and if I don’t feel qualified I hire a professional and at least someone to assist me. Some people are more comfortable letting a professional do it all for them-and that’s fine even if you’re a pregnant woman who wants all that comes with a hospital birth. If you want statistics or proof that home births are safe than read the successful birth stories found in books like those authored by Ina May Gaskin or magazines like Mothering- look at the success rates in other countries where midwives and homebirths are the norm-and don’t forget to look at the things that do go wrong in a typical hospital birth and if those things could’ve been prevented if medical intervention hadn’t been forced in the first place. All I want is the choice but we don’t even have the option here. All I want is the freedom to pursue my happiness.
Meanwhile I continue to educate myself and prepare myself mentally and emotionally and hope for the best despite the circumstances.

30 weeks

I am so not ready for this yet. I guess I don’t have to be-but my due date is only 10weeks away. Adeline and I have been watching birthing videos (usually home births or natural hospital births) on YouTube. They’re not scary-not like the birthing video they showed in Jr. High to scare all the little girls into not having sex. But the scary feelings are still there for me. Sure I’ve done this before but that was 9 ½ years ago. It doesn’t help that I know Josh will be calm and supportive, Adeline will get to experience something amazing, that I have two wonderful, natural minded, and experienced doulas, and a highly recommended, pro-natural birth mid-wife. Okay so it does help-it helps tremendously-but at this moment right now and few moments here and there throughout the day-I still freak out.

Why TV bugs me

The commercials. Not because they interupt the show or try to sell be a bunch of stuff I don't want-it's the way they try to sell it.
One commercial told me to "love the skin your in". How can I love my skin when they just got telling me it's not good enough without the cream they're selling. And how do I even know its my skin because apparently every 38 seconds a person's identity is stolen so I might not even be me. And if I am me then I'm too fat because I'm not eating perfectly porportioned boxes of food or taking the right pills to keep me thin. And I must have huge bags under my eyes because they keep hinting that I need a prescription drug to help me get a good nights sleep-but how am I supposed to sleep when my lady isn't satisfied because my manhood isn't big enough-I don't even have a manhood. And will someone please think of the children! First off they're spreading germs worse than some terrorist faction using biological weapons. Second I'm a bad parent because I don't have a car that will call me if it senses I've been in an accident. Alert the pope because I think I'm a miracle-I haven't dropped dead from a heart attack even though I don't eat the right cereal. I am kinda constipated though-probably because I don't eat cheese and yogurt and smoothies with live cultures to aid digestion. Its a wonder I'm alive.

highlights of my journaling

I think I've finally gotten back into journaling. Last night I continued with the one I started for Adeline-which only had one page from 2006 and a few scraps of thoughts written when I was pregnant with her. I started the one to OZ-the gender ambiguous name of the one I'm growing now. And I wrote a few pages in my personal journal which hasn't been updated for several months. At least I've blogged within that time and don't feel so guilty about not keeping up. I also started a journal of Lists (mostly top fives) in the cool pink skull journal Jenna got me for Christmas. And I plan to use the Journal Liz and Justin got me (again for Christmas) as a book journal-where after I read a book I can write a short summary along with my thoughts about the book. So yeah, I've gone journal crazy.

Here's some highlights of what I wrote.

A list of top five lists I could potentially put in the pretty pink skull journal from Jenna-I just like saying journal from jenna in my head as I write this-
Here's some: habits at certain times since mine are so fleeting, places visited, complaints I hear, praises I receive (and give), parades in Deadwood, homes I've been in, things to take ??? (camping, to the park, to an appointment, to a coffee shop, road tripping, etc), people during certain periods of my life, epiphanys, time periods most drawn to, and of course all the usuals (movies, books, foods, etc)

I wrote in all three journals about how different this pregnancy is from the one I had with Adeline. With Adeline I started out in a good place emotionally, physically, financially, mentally, and spiritually but it all went down hill fast. With this one the only place I started out bad was physically but I don't seem to mind so much because the other areas have remained good.

I also had to make note of a recent mind blowing realization. Adeline is nine right now-she's been my only child for those years. While most people usually have a few more kids in between its not really that crazy that there will be such an age gap between her and this one. However, then I began to think about how old Adeline will be when this one is the age she is now-my still baby adeline, my companion for nine years will be an adult when this one is just moving out of its little kid stage. That blows my mind.

I apologized to Adeline (in her journal)that she had to put up with my learning on how to be a better mum. But I am also thankful I can be honest with her about my mistakes and give her tenfold the love I gave her when she was younger because I've learned to properly love unconditionally and without expectation.

I mentioned in my journal how I heard noises downstairs and thought maybe Josh was up but then Pru came racing up the stairs, smashed through the door, and jumped up on the bed with her first kill of the night...a red pipe cleaner. And several minutes later the same thing only this time with a pink and brown pipe cleaner. She's so protective-no clean pipes in this house while she is on duty.