I am dualistic

I heard the heartbeat and have had to face the fact that I am pregnant. No more denial.

my duality....
I'm not looking forward to being pregnant-although it might be kinda fun to be so during summer, maybe I'll even make it to the beach with a big pregnant belly this time.
So far the nausea has not been fun -although not as bad as with Zi. It's only been bad the past few days as opposed to months and months with ZoraJane.
I've even had to quit using cloth diapers because the smell of them sickens me and the work involved isn't something I want to deal with right now-although Zi's little butt looks so cute unobsructed by bulky cloth. I might go back to g-diapers with the disposable insert when the yuks pass.
On top of the yuks we've all been cycling through various viruses for two months now-no "although" here, being sick just sucks.
With the lack of sleep I've had difficulty maintaining my positive attitude. If any of you have or ever spend 20 minutes talking to my gram you'll know where I get my anxiety/fear/worry from. She's a great lady but I've had to fight the urge to worry-and its a struggle when I'm tired. Although, its been good practice at finding the happy and staying there. A few years ago I wouldn't have been so successful.
And finally I'm sad because I wanted more time with ZoraJane. I got to spend 9 years with Adeline and even felt a little sad (amidst the joy) that I was adding another person into the mix. But I've only had 9 months with Zi before feeling the affects of another human. It feels a little unfair.nBUT...I wanted more kids, I love being a mother, and I'm pretty adaptable. I just need some time to fully accept the affects on my body and our family dynamic. Before long I'm sure I'll be fully supportive of adding another family member. Plus its kinda cool that Zi will have a playmate so close in age.