Just J, Just Me, Just joy

This video makes me all warm and fuzzy-probably because I hear that laugh in the background so often and truly love the person that lets it roll out of him.

When he came back from the retreat he glowed. He was so happy. I wasn't. I was working through my own stuff and still hadn't released it. He thought I was annoyed with his happiness but really I was just uncomfortable. Neither of us are usually very expressive. While uncomfortable, I loved that he giggled at everything. Meanwhile I wanted to cry at everything-but didn't. And so I held on to my issues and he let his constant joy fall a little to the side.
We both have issues to work through-to let go of and never let return. I like to cry in seclusion (usually in the shower), take a walk in the woods, write, or sit quietly in contemplation. I'm not exactly sure how he lets go-other than the uncontrollable laughter. But I'm learning that just because he's quiet, unresponsive, irritated, or inside himself doesn't mean it has anything to do with me. Often after he gets out of a "funk" he verbally expresses a realization of an issue he's worked through or is working through.
While we have very similar goals and desires we have different approaches to them. Our childhood, personalities, families, questions, hurts, and reactions are different. But we're both learning that letting go of those stories frees us to follow our hearts inner joy.

The lady(LolaJones) in the video is not a guru. But she has some interesting things to say and has said them in a way that reminds me what I truly love about being on this earth. She's reminded me to let go of the stuff that gets in the way of me being immersed in God. I respect all the enlightened people who've made their living spreading their joy. But for now I don't need their wisdom. I could listen/read some of it and appreciate it. But I don't really want to look to their way of doing things as something I need or want. Right now its just me listening to the wisdom within -communicating with the God that's me at the core. I am happiest when its just me inside my head-but "just me" is bigger than the physical part of me.

I don't ever remember being a joyful kid. I know there came a point when I consciously stopped smiling open lipped because I was paranoid about my crooked teeth -but it started before that. Even though I was mostly happy or at least content I wasn't bubbly. I'd curb any outward signs of excitement-opening presents was always embarrassing - being the center of attention was always embarrassing. Joyful people didn't bother me though-in fact some of the people I felt most drawn to seemed continually joyful.
I didn't cry much either. Or get mad. In fact for as long as I can remember I have been expressionless. Except for a moment in my late teens, early twenties. When I was in college we watched a video that made me start bawling. It was then I learned the advantages of losing myself to my tears. I'd cry in the shower or the seclusion of the prayer room. It wasn't depression or sadness so much as release. And I was joyful too. In passing when someone would ask how I was, I'd always grin big(if I wasn't grinning already) and answer "great!". I was playful like a child-I carried my books on my head, made snow angels, climbed trees, and wore my hair in pig tailed braids. I didn't care what others thought of me. I felt alive-tuned into something bigger.
And I was constantly communicating with that something bigger-laughing, chatting, revealing, asking. I called it God but I didn't see it as something separate from me. At the time, as most Christians, I would say that it was separate and only attainable through accepting Jesus Christ as savior. But I didn't in truth believe it. I've never believed it. God has always been my constant companion-me only bigger than this earthly body can contain.
In hindsight I realize that throughout my life the times I have actually been depressed are the times I tried to separate myself from God -The times I've viewed God as the controller, the father figure, the unattainable except through religion. But now I see that we are all God. We've chosen to experience this world in the physical but still have an awareness of our God Self. When we find that connection to ourselves we are at PEACE. We are joyful. Sure there's sadness in my life and anger. This world does affect me. But then I let it go. I realize that when I'm happy I make the choices that feel right. When I follow that instinct to do what makes me happy my life falls into place and I feel good about everyone and everything-even the "evil" has no affect or power over me. I see that "bad" people or rather people and their choices and their attitudes don't have to put me in a place of ickyness. While I get can sad, or anxious, or angry, at the core I'm honestly and always joyful.

Pluttification Tables

I do not know my multiplication tables. But I know how to multiply. Inside and outside the unschooling circles the question inevitable comes up- "What about the multiplication tables?" Just what is so important about this group of numbers that is so necessary to memorize? I'd be happy to never have to deal with them. But I'm in a unique situation with my oldest daughter. Her dad and stepmom keep asking her about them and it frustrates her to not be able to make them proud. I think eventually they'll catch on to the whole unschooling philosophy and won't take pride in anything but Adeline in and of herself. However until then I've promised to help her memorize them. But she doesn't have a real desire to learn so she gets annoyed when I remind her to write a few sets. I've explained to her its no big deal because its just memorization-like a poem only less rhythmic-and to some number junkies out there it may even be considered the most beautiful poetry in existence. I've tried to tell her that its not math she hates because the multiplication tables ARE NOT MATH. Math is what I do budgeting for this weeks meals, estimating how much food I'll need for guests, doubling recipes, figuring out how much gas I'll need to get from point A to point B and back again. Higher Math is for engineers, carpenters, lab scientists, and your average DIYers-and that math is easy to learn when you need it and use it consistently. She already uses math but since we don't fill in worksheets and recite tables she doesn't recognize it. She uses math when she plays video games, draws, or figures out if she can jump from one bench to another or the best place to cross a creek, and she uses math when estimating how much stuff she should bring to entertain herself when we drive from point A to point B and back again. A lot of math is just common sense-part of living-those stupid tables are making her think she hates math. So I kinda let the table memorization slide-and she doesn't seem to mind anymore about impressing anyone. As usual Pippi Longstocking says it best, "I've got along fine without any pluttification tables for nine years, and I guess I'll get along without it from now on, too."