There are rallies running rampant all over western SD. I just read about a "Proclaiming Life and Liberty Rally". Its made up of people from small chruches in small towns who support the abortion ban. House Republican Leader Larry Rhoden of Union Center was in attendance at the latest one in Newell. He said he believes the public is getting some misleading information about the abortion measure. What's so misleading about not being able to have abortions in any case whatsoever? Rev. Wes Labrier of the Union Center Baptist Church was there too. He said he and his church "personally prayed and came up with much of what" was seen at the rally. Um, okay. Yipee for them. They prayed and decided that they believe abortion is bad. That's their right, their choice.
Who even knows where this Union Center is? Well I do. Its a tiny town about an hour from sturgis on Hwy 34. It has a community center and a farily new church building. It even has a mall with a little cafe and I think a hair salon-I've never been to the mall. About 15 minutes from Union Center on a gravel road is the farm I spent much of my childhood. Holidays, family birthdays, summer vacations, and a few random weekends until I was in high school were spent on that farm. Since then I've cut down on my visits. And of course on Sundays before those big old fashioned family dinners we were in church-the very church mentioned above(although I attended in the old church building). I have many memories there. I grew up knowing many of the farm families and their kids, even the ones belonging to Mister Rhoden. I even taught Vacation Bible School one summer after attending all the previous ones as a child. I have family that still attends that church.
So being somewhat familar with that church I feel qualified to say they are not preaching Life and Liberty. First let's look at some defintions of Liberty-freedom from external or foreign rule-freedom from control, interference, obligation, restriction, etc; power or right of acting according to choice-OH NO! There's that dreaded word "choice". And what about Life. Once again who's life are they so concerned about? An embryo that in many cases will abort on its own? An embryo that isn't quite human yet? An embryo that may not even have a soul yet? An embryo that may grow into a child that's unwanted, mistreated, unadored, dare I say a burden on the mother forced to raise it? So when they say life they don't much care about the mother's life-wether she was raped or not. And they don't care about the child either if they assume its going to grow up with a happy childhood.
And trust me when I say that church doesn't preach love and kindness and equality for all humans. I can even go so far as to say they're kinda damning. Espcially to girls, and girls from single parent homes who live part time in the city, and people who aren't baptists, and people who don't use only the king james version of the bible, and people who think just maybe the world took a little longer than 7 days to form, and I'm sure a bunch of other things I'm failing to recall.
So hey, lets form our own Life and Liberty rally. Cause I'm all for both. A girl should be able to live her life fully. And it'd sure be super for her to have the liberty to have kids when and if she's ready to devote a lot of love and life to them. So I want a rally for true Life and true Libery. Who's with me? ---And if you're not go complain about it in your own blog.
+On a sidenote. Not all my experiences with that church were bad. When I lived like them (as a christian) I did feel a certain amount (not complete and total) of acceptance and friendliness from them. But now not being like them and seeing it from another perspective I'm able to see the way they don't accept people who aren't like them. Also a lot of my family attends that church still. I love my family. I'm like them in some ways and completely different in other ways. I like being with my family but we don't discuss issues that would cause tension. The people at that church aren't evil-they have love. What I wish for them (including my family) is that they realize everyone deserves a choice to find their own happiness, to live free to follow their own god, and that people who are different aren't evil or even wrong.
Monday, July 24, 2006
Saturday, July 22, 2006
Let's pretend we're in Anarctica
My Acupuncturist says my womb is cold. A baby doesn't want to live in an iceberg. Hence the miscarriages. And she says my metabolism is low too. Well I know that. With her help I can normalize my chi-my energy-bring warmth to my insides. I can also eat healthy-i do-and regulary-i do-and excercise everyday-okay there are days that I'm a little lazier in that area but I'm not a couch potato either. I prefer to stay active but I don't like scheduled excercise-I prefer more free form excercise-like cleaning or remodeling the house, landscaping, taking walks, a little hiking or canoeing.
The nights are cooling off. This morning I woke up cocooned in my blanket, the surrounding sheets and my nose chilly. But still that smell of summer and the sound of birds (and noisy squirrels) out the window. And bright morning light.
The frozen rhubarb melted all over the fridge. Silly me should have seen that coming. Rhubarb juice to clean and a pie to make. And a ride on the scooter to get the ingredients I need. I hate not using organic but I don't want to drive all the way to Spearfish for butter and shortening. Waste of time, waste of gas-gotta conserve. Do our part to prevent global warming.
The days are cooling too. Breezes and chances of rain. Hot July is almost over. August brings several showers. And bikers, though the growl of motorcycles comes earlier and earlier every year. We'll have company soon. And Adeline. Two weeks-I have to spend lots of time out of my head to forget how much I miss her.
The nights are cooling off. This morning I woke up cocooned in my blanket, the surrounding sheets and my nose chilly. But still that smell of summer and the sound of birds (and noisy squirrels) out the window. And bright morning light.
The frozen rhubarb melted all over the fridge. Silly me should have seen that coming. Rhubarb juice to clean and a pie to make. And a ride on the scooter to get the ingredients I need. I hate not using organic but I don't want to drive all the way to Spearfish for butter and shortening. Waste of time, waste of gas-gotta conserve. Do our part to prevent global warming.
The days are cooling too. Breezes and chances of rain. Hot July is almost over. August brings several showers. And bikers, though the growl of motorcycles comes earlier and earlier every year. We'll have company soon. And Adeline. Two weeks-I have to spend lots of time out of my head to forget how much I miss her.
Monday, July 17, 2006
MySpace Posts
www.myspace.com/belovedlittlehill
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The old woman who lived in the shoe
Starting in jr.high I decided that if I were going to have kids it would be through adoption. That thought continued up until the point I found out I was pregnant. Then I realized I no longer wanted to share a life with my husband let alone have another child with him. Later I hooked up with someone who didn't want anymore kids either. But Life evolves. We evolved. We've figured out what we want in life and part of that is more children. Like in Raising Arizona: as voiced over by H.I. "and Ed thought that havin a critter was the next logical step. It was all she thought about. Her point was that there was too much love and beauty for just the two of us. And every day we kept a child out of the world was a day he might later regret having missed. That was beautiful."
And so two miscarriages within a year later I start thinking about adoption. And I keep being reminded of it everywhere-two ukraine boys need adopted as posted in a homeschool group, a customer of the organic co-op coming in with their adopted brood, adoption seminars offered in the newpaper, a blip about it in a book I'm reading. So I bring up the idea to Josh and he seems to think its a pretty good idea(which is rare because every new idea he usually has to argue with first-its a nurtured thing) And of course I get right on the internet and start researching it. And guess what I find.
Once again a pretty effed up system. ( this is international adoption standards I didn't even check out domestic adoption) Single men, gays, and unmarried partners need not apply. Sure single women can apply but as a "single" women I have no income seeing as how I'm also a homemaker. And good luck finding a social woker in this area who will approve of a couple living in sin during the homestudy(where they come to your home and make sure you'll provide a safe environment).
The three of us have different last names but we're a family. We're more a family than a lot of married folks I know. I'm a mother. Its what I'm good at. I didn't realize it for a long time but its what I'm meant to do. Adeline wants brothers and sisters-she's just too social and caring not to have more kids to grow up with. Josh can make anyone laugh and he has a lot of great interests to share with kids. We've proven to ourselves and a lot of others that we're committed to stay toghether as a family. Josh and I have so much to offer children and its just not fair that Adeline is the only one who gets to benefit from it. There's too much love and beauty in the world for just the three of us.
I haven't given up. We'll keep trying the pregnancy thing and the adoption thing but if little Nathan Jr. ends up missing from the Arizona house you know who took him.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The fake life of...
I'm sure everyone on MySpace has had the fake friend request. A tight body or funny faced profile will ask you to be their friend so you check out their page. Suprise!-its all fake-they're trying to sell you something. Sometimes its a neat gadget or way to make money. Sometimes their selling their sexy selves. What's disturbing to me though is the not-so-fake profile of people trying to sell themselves. These are the real people. People you may be friends with and for all you know I may be one. The ones who entice you with their misleading pictures and fun and maybe a little naughty interests. Maybe its how they see themselves or who they'd like to be. But its not them. Then they attract all these people who are interested in the same things. They keep corresponding. Eventually they gain respect, or friendship, or love. They sign their comments with intimate little phrases and a "muah" or two. But they never meet. Why? Because they're big fat fakes. They don't look like that-even if they did at one time. They aren't fun loving adventurers who spend all their time outdoors. They probably spend most their time on the computer interacting with people who think they're something they're not.
Now do I think this is wrong. Not necessarily. One of the great things about computer freindships is the ambiguity. The control of you and your world. It can be fun and exciting. If your computer friends are being nasty you can be nasty back or you can ignore them. Whatever.
What I think is wrong is...well there's two things wrong. First its the hope that the faker gives that they'll meet. "Oh I just might show up there" but they never do of course. So its unapolegetically and intentionally misleading a person into believing they can be more than computer buddies.
Second and this is the thing that is just way wrong is using your fake profile to make others look like they're something their not. I've seen people I know and not know do this. For instance and hypothetically say my friend April(she's first on my friends list) and I have a big falling out. So I post pictures of her or direct people to her sight and tell people what a superficial idiot she is because she's always laughing-you know because poeple who laugh all the time don't ever think of anything serious or have real problems. When actually I love that she laughs a lot and always greets me with a smile. Its comforting and warm and counteracts the permanent scowl I seem to have. And I know her deep thoughts and her struggles as well as her silly and fun side. But you can't see all that she is from her profile. So if I told you differently and you trusted me you'd believe me. So here in lies the problems with meeting people and becoming their friend exclusively on the internet.
If I had a camera-seriously I must have lost it, probably at my daughters dance rehearsal- I'd take a nearly nude picture of myself to show you all my flabbyness-a picture of the rooms in my house that I've avoided cleaning for a long time, the stacks of magazines and layers of dust-a picture of my smile to show you exactly why I don't smile often-a picture of me wasting time in front of this computer screen when its clearly a beautiful day outside- a picture of me sleeping and a sound clip of me snoring when its a beautiful morning that I could be out enjoying-and picture of my schedule, if I had one written, to show you just how many parts of the day I do waste.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
yet another reason to flee
Why do the hills have to offer so much solace and hightened spirituality? Why do the stars have to be so abundant and bright? Why does the air have to smell so distinctly seasonal and clear? Why do I have to feel comfortable letting my kid play outside without complete and total supervision? Why does housing have to be so afforable (at least for people who earn a living wage)? Why did I let myself become attached to people who live here? Why do I have to be happy with so much about this state and be driven out by the laws its politicians and many of its residents want to impose?
HB1215 takes away a womans choice to have an aboriton even if she was impregnated by rape or incest and even if her health is in jeapordy. That right there says a lot about how SD values women.
Now I learn about Amendment C. "Only marriage between a man and a woman shall be valid or recognized in South Dakota. The uniting of two or more persons in civil union, domestic partnership, or other quasi-marital relationship shall not be valid or recognized in South Dakota."
When I was a little girl I didn't dream of that "one special day". I still don't want to get married, its a waste of time and money as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to put on a dress and be the center of attention. I don't care to prove to friends, family and the government, with a ceremony, a ring, or a piece of paper that I've made a commitment to my partner. I don't want to be labeled or introduced as someone's wife as if me as a person was somehow lost or changed. I don't want that day to be the highlight of my life and everything before or after becomes something of little value.
However I don't want my partnership to be viewed as less than a marriage. I don't want to be introduced by people I consider family as "a friend" and I want to be included in their family photos. When my partner and I have trouble I don't want others to be okay with us breaking up or to not encourage us to stay together just because we haven't stood in front of someone that says we're now married. I want to be able to share health benefits. I want to know that if either of us ever gets admitted to ICU that we'll be able to visit each other and if something really serious ever happens, my partner, the one who knows me best and knows my wishes, will be able to make medical decisions for me.
We have made the commitment. Either of us could easily pack up and part without lawyers and a court battle. But we're together. I have lived as a domestic partner and homemaker for four years. We decided to have kids and nearly did-that whole miscarriage thing being a little bump in the road. We plan for the future. We work together to make our lives better. This is our house. Our relationship is our responsibility. We love, we laugh, we get angry, we get hurt. We sleep together, we travel together, we eat nearly every evening meal together at the table rarely ever with the tv on. We are a family, we're both responsible for adeline-her education, her health, her well-being.
But South Dakota(its politicians and many of its people) don't want us to have the rights of a family. They want to view a man and a woman united legally as the only kind of marriage. They want to allow rights to only that specific kind of commitment. South Dakota is discriminating-and anyone who votes yes on Amendment C is discriminating. If you want to help in more ways than a vote visit http://www.southdakotansagainstdiscrimination.org/
Discrimination is not a thing of the past. Just when we think we're advancing as a civilization, a group of people have to come up with something like this. A group of poeple who think their way is the only way has to make their way law for everyone. Think for a minute(preferably longer) how many people this Amendment is hurting.
Monday, May 15, 2006
for all my fans-or mostly just me
Eventually I will blog again. For days I can't think of anything to write and then bam! I have three entries running loose in my head waiting to be set free into the internet world. For now all I will say is that I'm eating split pea soup, planning a garden, listening to April go on and on and on( I'm teasing) about all the boys in her ports, wishing I could get kissed, kicking the cat-I mean gently placing the cat outside, letting adeline write on my shoes, fighting some allergy that makes my eyes itch and my snot run,-(which probably doesn't make me desirable for kissing), avoiding the dishes, procrastinating on my emails, and waiting ever so patiently for the weather to stay warm enough for flip flops and a tank top.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I'm rubber you're glue...
Adeline calls me "Lamey". I suggested she do so. I thought it fair since when she is moody I call her a names. When she is ornry I tell her, "Quit being a Badeline." If she is growly, I ask her, "Are you a Madeline." And when she is blue I tell her "Cheer up Sadeline." If she is being extra super cool though I do tell her she is a Radeline-but she doesn't get it.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Guess How Much I Love You
The other night as I was cuddling with Adeline we were playing the classic, "I love you more than...". She named the planets she knew, "earth, jupiter, mars, pluto." Finally, "the whole universe". And then she said, "I love you more than anyone else could ever love you."
How true.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Drag-and-Drop
MySpace has this handy little feature to rearrange friends into the top eight. I have contemplated the use of it-not too intently, I have better things to think about. I wondered if I should feel obligated to let those who've posted me as their top 8 be on my top 8. I thought about placing friends who have blogs or funny profiles there- but decided that was a lame idea. I could list them starting with my favorite but I don't really have a ranking system for my friends. So, here I am having to decide who is placed in my top 8. No committees, no votes, no pleas from the contestants. I already know Choice in SD gets in the top-have to let people know right off where I stand. Dick Burns gets a top seat-gotta show my undying devotion. April is a given because she's the only one I actually spend considerable time with outside of the MySpace world. But the rest...hmmm. I guess I'll have to rotate. I like them all. Admitingly some I click with more, some I just know better, some I like their silly pictures, a couple I really like what they say and how they say it, and a few I just want easier access to their profiles-I'm one click instead of the time consuming two clicks away.
And all this made me think of what silly things go through my head. MySpace is great because I can get those silly things out and what's even more fun is reading the silly things other people think about. I spend a lot of time reading the blogs of friends. It's nice knowing I can stay connected when snowed in(AGAIN!). Sure there is the phone-but aside from hating to talk on the phone, it takes two people who are free and in the verbal mood to make a phone conversation work. And there is always meeting in person-but then there is the schedule issue again, and the brushing of teeth and putting on a bra and making sure the kid has something to do too. And half the blogs I read are from people who live miles and miles away. So while the before mentioned kid eats a snack, watches planets funniest animals, and writes a letter to Ask magazine(she's a multitasker), I sit here and avoid the mulittasking I could be doing, choosing instead to talk about nothing.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
rebel without a cause
I used to be without a cause. I had opinions-mostly regurgitated religous beliefs. But there were those things I knew (at least on some level)to be right and true-like: Animals, the earth, and the environment are to be protected and respected. And while I used to say homesexuality was a sin I had a girlfriend- although we both denied it to ourselves and the rest of the world. I also knew there was a whole lot about existance that couldn't be explained or proven scientifically(not yet anyway). I could see people beyond what you could see with the eyes. And that love not war was the key to a united planet.---These beliefs have journeyed with me and developed as I've become more educated. But there comes a time when its not enough to believe and one has to fight.
My causes are now many but I still feel like a rebel. Living in this state is hard for a person like me. It's not just my conservative family that I have to defend myself against. Just leaving my home is difficult-realizing I'll be looked down on for my personal appearance, knowing that if I voice my opinions I'll have to defend them, wondering if the person saying "Happy Easter" even considers that I may be Jewish or Pagan or Athiest. There is hardly a day that goes by when I don't wish I lived in a place where I could comfortably be myself. Where I didn't have to fight for the right to choose an abortion, or I could talk about issues without my bloodpressure rising. To walk down the street with pink hair and tats and not be looked at as different. A place that I could WALK to a market and buy fresh organic and local food. I want to be in a place where I can relax. I don't know if a place like that exists. There are cities and states I'd certainly feel more comfortable in but what about the rest of the world? We still have to fight, I still have to fight. When do we get to take a nap knowing that when we wake up we won't have to fight the battles our foremothers(and fathers) had to engage in?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
My goodness, my Guinness
Adeline's humor is developing. And no, I didn't let her drink beer. But she does like the pubs and spinning on barstools(they serve food too, you silly). She's become especially good at carrying on a convincing false scenerio-I do it to her all the time. It's only a lie if there is no smirk behind it. I can see her years from now-sitting in an outdoor beer garden, her butt crack showing(seriously she needs a belt or some suspenders), with a straight face convincing the others at ther table that she is in fact the inspiration for Strawberry Shortcake, and then she turns to the person on her left and asks him to pull her finger, before chugging down her Guinness.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Ha!
I am pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, and gosh darnet people like me.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Fortress of Solitude
I'm sitting here spaced-displaced-my friends replaced by a screen. Last night a boy-I don't even know his name-touched my shoulder as he said goodbye. Human contact! It was as if a surge went through my body-but warm. Not sexual-not attraction-just touch-genuine-casual-human. No walls-no knowledge of each other- no fear of-of what? Fear of what? Why the walls? why? how? Where's the door? Even a window-better yet a wrecking ball. Break it all down-rebuild-yes build it up again but with obvious openings-no secret passages or secret words to get in. But I like my members only club-keeps the baddies out. Keeps a lot of good ones out too-keeps the ones at home out. But why? how? How did the ones at home get locked out? How do they get back in without a wrecking ball? Are they knocking-is my music up to loud? I'm probably asleep-or hiding, waiting, waiting, waiting for them to use the wrecking ball. I'm running from it-I don't want them in here-or they don't want to be here. Maybe I'll just peek out this crack in the wall.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
baby killer and other bad bad things
I've killed aproximately 24 potential babies.That's my estimate based on the months I was on birth control. And of course I'm basing that on the view of all those ignorants who think the morning after pill is a bad bad baby killing drug. But really-the morning after pill is like doubling up on birth control(maybe tripling). It prevents an egg from getting fertilized. If its already fertilized it ain't going to do anything. Do you understand? Maybe I'm not a baby killer after all.
But what happens when the morning after pill wasn't taken in time-or never taken at all. You could always raise a kid you don't want. Smack it around or neglect it. And when its 6 you can relax because you'll have the public school system to raise your child into a most outstanding citizen. Or you could give it to some family who does want a baby-because you know there aren't enough homeless kids out there to go around. Oh but wait people don't want those kids cause they're not as cute as a little baby. So go ahead and carry that baby for nine months to give it up after its born. But be sure to starve yourself so you don't get fat, and be prepared to get fired or expelled when you're too tired to do the work or showing to much be a proper example to your schoolmates-in other words you might have to put a whole lot of your life on hold for a stupid two-minute mistake you made. And maybe it wasn't even your mistake. Maybe you were raped. But wait, I bet its still your fault because your jeans are so low and your boobs so big, or becaue you didn't report your father the first time he started abusing you when .you were 3, or because you had one to many mixed drinks and girls who go out drinking are just looking to get laid anyway..So if your daughter, your sister, your best friend, or hey, maybe even you gets raped one aweful night and you don't want to raise a kid whose eyes match the fuckhead who raped you then there are options. Right?
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
blogging woahs
Sometimes computer comunication really sucks. Oh so many times have I had to re-interpret things taken out of context or explain that I have no apologies for who I am and will write very self-reavealing things about myself. The problem with blogging or internet groups is that people who don't know me read what I post and assume that I'm something I'm not-it can be so hard to convey dry humor or sarcasm or sincerity through journaling. People can't see the sly smile behind the seeming insult or they hear accusation instead of concern in my words. I have such difficulty expressing myself or confronting poeple I know with my voice. So I write my friends letters-the ones who know me well enough to read the words as I mean them, who know when I'm joking and when I'm being sincere. Somehow its easy for me to confront people I don't know because I don't care how they see me just that they know to back off. Like when a strange(probably drunk) man was grabbing at the harness/leash of my friends child and making rude comments about how horrible it was to put a child on a leash. I had no problem then telling him he better keep his hands off children he didn't know and that it was better the child be kept close but not confined rather than totally free to run and get trampled in the crowd or stolen by some pervert. But just writing those words, people who don't know me see me as an aggressive bitch rather than a strong protector. And thus the problem with blogging or posting messages to groups or emailing strangers. Is it going to stop me though. Of course not.
Saturday, July 08, 2006
The old woman who lived in the shoe
Starting in jr.high I decided that if I were going to have kids it would be through adoption. That thought continued up until the point I found out I was pregnant. Then I realized I no longer wanted to share a life with my husband let alone have another child with him. Later I hooked up with someone who didn't want anymore kids either. But Life evolves. We evolved. We've figured out what we want in life and part of that is more children. Like in Raising Arizona: as voiced over by H.I. "and Ed thought that havin a critter was the next logical step. It was all she thought about. Her point was that there was too much love and beauty for just the two of us. And every day we kept a child out of the world was a day he might later regret having missed. That was beautiful."
And so two miscarriages within a year later I start thinking about adoption. And I keep being reminded of it everywhere-two ukraine boys need adopted as posted in a homeschool group, a customer of the organic co-op coming in with their adopted brood, adoption seminars offered in the newpaper, a blip about it in a book I'm reading. So I bring up the idea to Josh and he seems to think its a pretty good idea(which is rare because every new idea he usually has to argue with first-its a nurtured thing) And of course I get right on the internet and start researching it. And guess what I find.
Once again a pretty effed up system. ( this is international adoption standards I didn't even check out domestic adoption) Single men, gays, and unmarried partners need not apply. Sure single women can apply but as a "single" women I have no income seeing as how I'm also a homemaker. And good luck finding a social woker in this area who will approve of a couple living in sin during the homestudy(where they come to your home and make sure you'll provide a safe environment).
The three of us have different last names but we're a family. We're more a family than a lot of married folks I know. I'm a mother. Its what I'm good at. I didn't realize it for a long time but its what I'm meant to do. Adeline wants brothers and sisters-she's just too social and caring not to have more kids to grow up with. Josh can make anyone laugh and he has a lot of great interests to share with kids. We've proven to ourselves and a lot of others that we're committed to stay toghether as a family. Josh and I have so much to offer children and its just not fair that Adeline is the only one who gets to benefit from it. There's too much love and beauty in the world for just the three of us.
I haven't given up. We'll keep trying the pregnancy thing and the adoption thing but if little Nathan Jr. ends up missing from the Arizona house you know who took him.
Thursday, June 01, 2006
The fake life of...
I'm sure everyone on MySpace has had the fake friend request. A tight body or funny faced profile will ask you to be their friend so you check out their page. Suprise!-its all fake-they're trying to sell you something. Sometimes its a neat gadget or way to make money. Sometimes their selling their sexy selves. What's disturbing to me though is the not-so-fake profile of people trying to sell themselves. These are the real people. People you may be friends with and for all you know I may be one. The ones who entice you with their misleading pictures and fun and maybe a little naughty interests. Maybe its how they see themselves or who they'd like to be. But its not them. Then they attract all these people who are interested in the same things. They keep corresponding. Eventually they gain respect, or friendship, or love. They sign their comments with intimate little phrases and a "muah" or two. But they never meet. Why? Because they're big fat fakes. They don't look like that-even if they did at one time. They aren't fun loving adventurers who spend all their time outdoors. They probably spend most their time on the computer interacting with people who think they're something they're not.
Now do I think this is wrong. Not necessarily. One of the great things about computer freindships is the ambiguity. The control of you and your world. It can be fun and exciting. If your computer friends are being nasty you can be nasty back or you can ignore them. Whatever.
What I think is wrong is...well there's two things wrong. First its the hope that the faker gives that they'll meet. "Oh I just might show up there" but they never do of course. So its unapolegetically and intentionally misleading a person into believing they can be more than computer buddies.
Second and this is the thing that is just way wrong is using your fake profile to make others look like they're something their not. I've seen people I know and not know do this. For instance and hypothetically say my friend April(she's first on my friends list) and I have a big falling out. So I post pictures of her or direct people to her sight and tell people what a superficial idiot she is because she's always laughing-you know because poeple who laugh all the time don't ever think of anything serious or have real problems. When actually I love that she laughs a lot and always greets me with a smile. Its comforting and warm and counteracts the permanent scowl I seem to have. And I know her deep thoughts and her struggles as well as her silly and fun side. But you can't see all that she is from her profile. So if I told you differently and you trusted me you'd believe me. So here in lies the problems with meeting people and becoming their friend exclusively on the internet.
If I had a camera-seriously I must have lost it, probably at my daughters dance rehearsal- I'd take a nearly nude picture of myself to show you all my flabbyness-a picture of the rooms in my house that I've avoided cleaning for a long time, the stacks of magazines and layers of dust-a picture of my smile to show you exactly why I don't smile often-a picture of me wasting time in front of this computer screen when its clearly a beautiful day outside- a picture of me sleeping and a sound clip of me snoring when its a beautiful morning that I could be out enjoying-and picture of my schedule, if I had one written, to show you just how many parts of the day I do waste.
Tuesday, May 23, 2006
yet another reason to flee
Why do the hills have to offer so much solace and hightened spirituality? Why do the stars have to be so abundant and bright? Why does the air have to smell so distinctly seasonal and clear? Why do I have to feel comfortable letting my kid play outside without complete and total supervision? Why does housing have to be so afforable (at least for people who earn a living wage)? Why did I let myself become attached to people who live here? Why do I have to be happy with so much about this state and be driven out by the laws its politicians and many of its residents want to impose?
HB1215 takes away a womans choice to have an aboriton even if she was impregnated by rape or incest and even if her health is in jeapordy. That right there says a lot about how SD values women.
Now I learn about Amendment C. "Only marriage between a man and a woman shall be valid or recognized in South Dakota. The uniting of two or more persons in civil union, domestic partnership, or other quasi-marital relationship shall not be valid or recognized in South Dakota."
When I was a little girl I didn't dream of that "one special day". I still don't want to get married, its a waste of time and money as far as I'm concerned. I don't want to put on a dress and be the center of attention. I don't care to prove to friends, family and the government, with a ceremony, a ring, or a piece of paper that I've made a commitment to my partner. I don't want to be labeled or introduced as someone's wife as if me as a person was somehow lost or changed. I don't want that day to be the highlight of my life and everything before or after becomes something of little value.
However I don't want my partnership to be viewed as less than a marriage. I don't want to be introduced by people I consider family as "a friend" and I want to be included in their family photos. When my partner and I have trouble I don't want others to be okay with us breaking up or to not encourage us to stay together just because we haven't stood in front of someone that says we're now married. I want to be able to share health benefits. I want to know that if either of us ever gets admitted to ICU that we'll be able to visit each other and if something really serious ever happens, my partner, the one who knows me best and knows my wishes, will be able to make medical decisions for me.
We have made the commitment. Either of us could easily pack up and part without lawyers and a court battle. But we're together. I have lived as a domestic partner and homemaker for four years. We decided to have kids and nearly did-that whole miscarriage thing being a little bump in the road. We plan for the future. We work together to make our lives better. This is our house. Our relationship is our responsibility. We love, we laugh, we get angry, we get hurt. We sleep together, we travel together, we eat nearly every evening meal together at the table rarely ever with the tv on. We are a family, we're both responsible for adeline-her education, her health, her well-being.
But South Dakota(its politicians and many of its people) don't want us to have the rights of a family. They want to view a man and a woman united legally as the only kind of marriage. They want to allow rights to only that specific kind of commitment. South Dakota is discriminating-and anyone who votes yes on Amendment C is discriminating. If you want to help in more ways than a vote visit http://www.southdakotansagainstdiscrimination.org/
Discrimination is not a thing of the past. Just when we think we're advancing as a civilization, a group of people have to come up with something like this. A group of poeple who think their way is the only way has to make their way law for everyone. Think for a minute(preferably longer) how many people this Amendment is hurting.
Monday, May 15, 2006
for all my fans-or mostly just me
Eventually I will blog again. For days I can't think of anything to write and then bam! I have three entries running loose in my head waiting to be set free into the internet world. For now all I will say is that I'm eating split pea soup, planning a garden, listening to April go on and on and on( I'm teasing) about all the boys in her ports, wishing I could get kissed, kicking the cat-I mean gently placing the cat outside, letting adeline write on my shoes, fighting some allergy that makes my eyes itch and my snot run,-(which probably doesn't make me desirable for kissing), avoiding the dishes, procrastinating on my emails, and waiting ever so patiently for the weather to stay warm enough for flip flops and a tank top.
Thursday, May 04, 2006
I'm rubber you're glue...
Adeline calls me "Lamey". I suggested she do so. I thought it fair since when she is moody I call her a names. When she is ornry I tell her, "Quit being a Badeline." If she is growly, I ask her, "Are you a Madeline." And when she is blue I tell her "Cheer up Sadeline." If she is being extra super cool though I do tell her she is a Radeline-but she doesn't get it.
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
Guess How Much I Love You
The other night as I was cuddling with Adeline we were playing the classic, "I love you more than...". She named the planets she knew, "earth, jupiter, mars, pluto." Finally, "the whole universe". And then she said, "I love you more than anyone else could ever love you."
How true.
Monday, April 24, 2006
Drag-and-Drop
MySpace has this handy little feature to rearrange friends into the top eight. I have contemplated the use of it-not too intently, I have better things to think about. I wondered if I should feel obligated to let those who've posted me as their top 8 be on my top 8. I thought about placing friends who have blogs or funny profiles there- but decided that was a lame idea. I could list them starting with my favorite but I don't really have a ranking system for my friends. So, here I am having to decide who is placed in my top 8. No committees, no votes, no pleas from the contestants. I already know Choice in SD gets in the top-have to let people know right off where I stand. Dick Burns gets a top seat-gotta show my undying devotion. April is a given because she's the only one I actually spend considerable time with outside of the MySpace world. But the rest...hmmm. I guess I'll have to rotate. I like them all. Admitingly some I click with more, some I just know better, some I like their silly pictures, a couple I really like what they say and how they say it, and a few I just want easier access to their profiles-I'm one click instead of the time consuming two clicks away.
And all this made me think of what silly things go through my head. MySpace is great because I can get those silly things out and what's even more fun is reading the silly things other people think about. I spend a lot of time reading the blogs of friends. It's nice knowing I can stay connected when snowed in(AGAIN!). Sure there is the phone-but aside from hating to talk on the phone, it takes two people who are free and in the verbal mood to make a phone conversation work. And there is always meeting in person-but then there is the schedule issue again, and the brushing of teeth and putting on a bra and making sure the kid has something to do too. And half the blogs I read are from people who live miles and miles away. So while the before mentioned kid eats a snack, watches planets funniest animals, and writes a letter to Ask magazine(she's a multitasker), I sit here and avoid the mulittasking I could be doing, choosing instead to talk about nothing.
Thursday, April 20, 2006
rebel without a cause
I used to be without a cause. I had opinions-mostly regurgitated religous beliefs. But there were those things I knew (at least on some level)to be right and true-like: Animals, the earth, and the environment are to be protected and respected. And while I used to say homesexuality was a sin I had a girlfriend- although we both denied it to ourselves and the rest of the world. I also knew there was a whole lot about existance that couldn't be explained or proven scientifically(not yet anyway). I could see people beyond what you could see with the eyes. And that love not war was the key to a united planet.---These beliefs have journeyed with me and developed as I've become more educated. But there comes a time when its not enough to believe and one has to fight.
My causes are now many but I still feel like a rebel. Living in this state is hard for a person like me. It's not just my conservative family that I have to defend myself against. Just leaving my home is difficult-realizing I'll be looked down on for my personal appearance, knowing that if I voice my opinions I'll have to defend them, wondering if the person saying "Happy Easter" even considers that I may be Jewish or Pagan or Athiest. There is hardly a day that goes by when I don't wish I lived in a place where I could comfortably be myself. Where I didn't have to fight for the right to choose an abortion, or I could talk about issues without my bloodpressure rising. To walk down the street with pink hair and tats and not be looked at as different. A place that I could WALK to a market and buy fresh organic and local food. I want to be in a place where I can relax. I don't know if a place like that exists. There are cities and states I'd certainly feel more comfortable in but what about the rest of the world? We still have to fight, I still have to fight. When do we get to take a nap knowing that when we wake up we won't have to fight the battles our foremothers(and fathers) had to engage in?
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
My goodness, my Guinness
Adeline's humor is developing. And no, I didn't let her drink beer. But she does like the pubs and spinning on barstools(they serve food too, you silly). She's become especially good at carrying on a convincing false scenerio-I do it to her all the time. It's only a lie if there is no smirk behind it. I can see her years from now-sitting in an outdoor beer garden, her butt crack showing(seriously she needs a belt or some suspenders), with a straight face convincing the others at ther table that she is in fact the inspiration for Strawberry Shortcake, and then she turns to the person on her left and asks him to pull her finger, before chugging down her Guinness.
Friday, April 07, 2006
Ha!
I am pretty enough, smart enough, happy enough, and gosh darnet people like me.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Fortress of Solitude
I'm sitting here spaced-displaced-my friends replaced by a screen. Last night a boy-I don't even know his name-touched my shoulder as he said goodbye. Human contact! It was as if a surge went through my body-but warm. Not sexual-not attraction-just touch-genuine-casual-human. No walls-no knowledge of each other- no fear of-of what? Fear of what? Why the walls? why? how? Where's the door? Even a window-better yet a wrecking ball. Break it all down-rebuild-yes build it up again but with obvious openings-no secret passages or secret words to get in. But I like my members only club-keeps the baddies out. Keeps a lot of good ones out too-keeps the ones at home out. But why? how? How did the ones at home get locked out? How do they get back in without a wrecking ball? Are they knocking-is my music up to loud? I'm probably asleep-or hiding, waiting, waiting, waiting for them to use the wrecking ball. I'm running from it-I don't want them in here-or they don't want to be here. Maybe I'll just peek out this crack in the wall.
Saturday, April 01, 2006
baby killer and other bad bad things
I've killed aproximately 24 potential babies.That's my estimate based on the months I was on birth control. And of course I'm basing that on the view of all those ignorants who think the morning after pill is a bad bad baby killing drug. But really-the morning after pill is like doubling up on birth control(maybe tripling). It prevents an egg from getting fertilized. If its already fertilized it ain't going to do anything. Do you understand? Maybe I'm not a baby killer after all.
But what happens when the morning after pill wasn't taken in time-or never taken at all. You could always raise a kid you don't want. Smack it around or neglect it. And when its 6 you can relax because you'll have the public school system to raise your child into a most outstanding citizen. Or you could give it to some family who does want a baby-because you know there aren't enough homeless kids out there to go around. Oh but wait people don't want those kids cause they're not as cute as a little baby. So go ahead and carry that baby for nine months to give it up after its born. But be sure to starve yourself so you don't get fat, and be prepared to get fired or expelled when you're too tired to do the work or showing to much be a proper example to your schoolmates-in other words you might have to put a whole lot of your life on hold for a stupid two-minute mistake you made. And maybe it wasn't even your mistake. Maybe you were raped. But wait, I bet its still your fault because your jeans are so low and your boobs so big, or becaue you didn't report your father the first time he started abusing you when .you were 3, or because you had one to many mixed drinks and girls who go out drinking are just looking to get laid anyway..So if your daughter, your sister, your best friend, or hey, maybe even you gets raped one aweful night and you don't want to raise a kid whose eyes match the fuckhead who raped you then there are options. Right?
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
blogging woahs
Sometimes computer comunication really sucks. Oh so many times have I had to re-interpret things taken out of context or explain that I have no apologies for who I am and will write very self-reavealing things about myself. The problem with blogging or internet groups is that people who don't know me read what I post and assume that I'm something I'm not-it can be so hard to convey dry humor or sarcasm or sincerity through journaling. People can't see the sly smile behind the seeming insult or they hear accusation instead of concern in my words. I have such difficulty expressing myself or confronting poeple I know with my voice. So I write my friends letters-the ones who know me well enough to read the words as I mean them, who know when I'm joking and when I'm being sincere. Somehow its easy for me to confront people I don't know because I don't care how they see me just that they know to back off. Like when a strange(probably drunk) man was grabbing at the harness/leash of my friends child and making rude comments about how horrible it was to put a child on a leash. I had no problem then telling him he better keep his hands off children he didn't know and that it was better the child be kept close but not confined rather than totally free to run and get trampled in the crowd or stolen by some pervert. But just writing those words, people who don't know me see me as an aggressive bitch rather than a strong protector. And thus the problem with blogging or posting messages to groups or emailing strangers. Is it going to stop me though. Of course not.
LiveJournal Posts
Serenity
[Jan. 25th, 200612:21 pm]
Blosser bought me Serenity. Yesterday we watched it. Good thing I'm not hormonal or else I wouldn't be able to hold back the tears. And it wasn't because certain people died. It was just amazing to experience. It is totally beyond stupid that more poeple don't recognize that kind of writing, visual story telling, acting, the whole world of Serenity/Firefly as being the amazing creation that it is. I expected Shepard to die, I was thinking Inara would(she didn't), and was really sad about Wash(I've loved him since that first scene where he was playing with his toy dinosaurs). But if it had to happen to someone it had to be him because Zoe is the only person strong enough to handle her partners death. My only complaint...Who the hell is that person on the front of the DVD cover! I understand the movie was about uncovering River's mystery but that is NOT River on the front. What more can I say. There aren't a whole lot of mainstream minds who can get my awe over Joss and his worlds. But I'm glad they're out there.
why mothers and homemakers go insane
[Jan. 22nd, 200608:06 pm]
This is what I have to say to my daughter who is 7 and acts like cleaning her room is the worst thing to experience..."Try cleaning a whole house. Try coming up with a lifetime of healthy meals that satisfy three(or more) different tastes. Try leaving the house when your kid won't until her every hair is in place, her makeup is just right, and her clothes match perfectly. Try raising a kid at all. Try living each day feeling disrespected, unappreciated, unadored, and rejected by people who are supposed to love you. Try doing all that, enjoying most of it, and remaining positive that the not-so-great parts will magically be transformed into a beautiful place with flowers and butterflies and pretty fairies and fountains of wine and handsome men and gorgeous women are there to give you massages with happy endings and fan you with banana leaves and feed you grapes and oranges dipped in chocoate.......
forgiviness
[Jan. 16th, 200611:19 am]
"In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly orunjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered.All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in alarge circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribespeaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things theperson in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident,every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, isrecounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, andkindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony oftenlasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyouscelebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literallywelcomed back into the tribe... as the Buddha said: ‘Hatred will never ceaseby hatred. By love alone is it healed.’"as described by Alice Walker inSent by Earth: A Message from the Grandmother SpiritThis was posted in a homeschool internet group I belong to. It speaks to me. It's a message in a line of synchronistic events in my life currently. Before I received the message I was trying to use the Tibetan singing bowl to pray for health. I couldn't get it to hum. Then I opened and read the above message. It helped me realize that in order for my immune system to be at its best and for my health to improve I need to let go of the blockages in my energy/psyche. I prayed again with the singing bowl this time giving forgiveness to those who've hurt me. My focus was attuned, the bowl hummed, and I felt at peace. I know that I have to continue everyday to remember those people are forgiven and I have to actually convey that message directly to them. But this first step is very important.
Happy Holidays
[Jan. 3rd, 200609:18 am]
My holidays are finally over. I celebrated the Winter Solstice with a commitment/candle ceremony to renew my spirituality. Then we had about three different present opening christmases with family-i guess we'll have to have a couple more of those when adeline comes home so I'm not done with that yet. Then our annual New Years party. The party was great. The weather was the warmest its ever been so watching the ball drop was actually enjoyable. We had about 11 people pass out at our house. This year we had a bigger ratio of girls to boys which was a totally different dynamic. More drama, more whining about who was going to get the couch or the beds, more giggling and hugging. And I have to say I outdid myself with the food. Of course we had our two biggest traditions-the turduken and Jeremy's pleather pants.I have to ask-Are all those opposed to "Happy Holiday" and pushing so hard for "Merry Christmas" going to be the New Nazis? Christians are the ones who stuck their holiday into the Winter Solstice where our ancestors celebrated the lenghtening of the days and the coming of the "Sun" as opposed to the "Son". I don't know which came first Hanukkah or Christmas and I'm pretty ignorant about Kwanza too. But I do know all this taking Christ out of christmas is dumb. Most of the the things associated with Christmas don't have anything to do with it in the first place-Yule logs, lights, holly, red and green-its a Yule thing not a christmas thing. Why can't we just celebrate it all, huh. And frankly, the New Year is what I look forward to most. The crowds are yelling happy greeting to each other, there is so much happiness and fun. The combintation of food and spirits and family and sparkles. Its the most peace on earth good will toward men holiday here in deadwood and I imagine lots of other places too. So happy effing holidays to all of you.
and the tears came...again
[Dec. 15th, 200508:53 am]
I did something stupid. I turned on Buffy knowing full well "The Body" was going to be on. I wouldn't have watched it but the satellite radio was being problematic and I needed something to listen to or watch while I ate my cheerios. Of course that episode always makes me cry at some point-usually when Anya gets upset about not knowing how to react to Joyce's death. But the minute I began watching it I teared up and wanted to bawl. I've been doing that a lot lately:when I read adeline a sappy bedtime story, when some guy proposed on Queer Eye, when I'm in the shower and the water pelts my back muscles into relaxation. For a few weeks(4long weeks) I could blame it on the pregnancy hormones leaving my body-but even then I defied the emotions, knowing full well they were laced with hormones. But now I'm wondering if I did the wrong thing. Even though those feelings were mostly due to chemical imbalance I'm wondering if maybe I should have grieved. I cried when the doctor confirmed my fear that the pregnancy was blighted but even then I forced back the tears. I knew intuitively there was no baby even though my body carried on the pregnancy for another month. And even now I'm not all that upset that I have to try again-it gives me more time to get in better shape and hey, now I can drink at the New Years Party. So why do I still get emotional at stupid things? Experiences that aren't mine and don't apply directly to me. It's confusing, and weak, and irrational and I have to stop doing it because there are bigger things in the world and in life to deal with.
that time of year again
[Dec. 7th, 200509:54 am]
It's getting closer to the time I have to take Adeline to stay with her Papa for awhile. She'll only be gone three weeks but still the old anxiety is coming back. He's not a horrible person but I don't feel she's safe with him. Mostly I worry about her mental and emotional health when she's with him(or my mom). Their religion teaches hate and that's the biggest problem I have with her spending any time with them. He doesn't spend the quality time with her that I do-leaves her with people he doesn't know. And he feeds her too much gross junk food. Of course he disciplines differently and she has to learn and relearn what his rules are. I fear he doesn't have the understanding that I do when she does something wrong. At least she won't have to deal with him talking to his 2nd ex-wife or with the ex-wife being there. If that where the case she wouldn't be going to visit him ever. I have lots planned to keep me busy but that doesn't stop the saddness of her being so far away.
Wiccan Pride
[Nov. 28th, 200502:07 pm]
It is snowing. Big fluffy drifts of snow out there. We had chocolate chip cookies and milk for dinner last night. It's the perfect thing for cold days.I am bugged by these people who play witch or act all new agey or goth to impress people. Spirituality to me has never been about impressing people-in fact that was one of the things I hated most about Christian Church-all the people trying to put on a good show. I remember making the decision to quit dressing up for Sunday service. I understand having an interest in Wicca but not really knowing where to begin or how much of oneself to commit. I went through that. It's easy to claim Wicca and even do a few ceremonies or rituals on the full moons and the sabbats. But it felt empty to me. Sure, I so dug the concept of treating people and the earth with respect. I loved the search for balance between the feminine and masculine. And I could really relate to the mysticism that comes with being aware of the spiritual realm. Bu I never wanted to call myself Wiccan or a Witch. But I also had trouble labeling myself because I so despise limiting myself with labels and also because I hate the pre-conceived ideas people have about any label, especially Wicca. But over the past few months I've begun caring little about what others think. I've always had a little bit of that attitude that's why I got tats and piercings and dyed my hair pink. But then I decided why should I look "cool" just to get the "cool kids" to talk to me? So I took out my tongue ring, took the dye out of my hair, and started dressing like a normal conservative suburban mom. No, I didn't really do that last thing, I just couldn't do that. Bu you get my point. I want to dress for me. I want to listen to the music that makes me happy not because its cool or because I want to be one of those music elitest snobs who thinks every known band is just a rip off of some not-so-known band. If I want to listen to New Kids On The Block I will. And I want to practice Wicca for me-not to freak out conservatives, or impress punk ass kids, or even to increase my ability to see spirits. I read The Circle Within by Dianne Sylvan recently. I was impressed with her style of writing as well as her message. It was just the thing to get me motivated to do what I've been too lazy to do. I'm planning a dedication this Winter Solstice and hopefully in a year after lots of study and practice, I can initiate myself into Wicca. I want to really know it and live it. I want to be able to easily defend it without throwing it in peoples faces. It won't be the only thing in my life but its one of the things I want to have pride in.
I need to vent
[Nov. 15th, 200504:14 pm]
So I vented but then I deleted it all. Do I feel better? No. Venting solves nothing when the right person won't hear it or read it.
yes, i'm a horrible journaler
[Oct. 21st, 200510:01 am]
We went to Yellowstone at the end of September. Not too many tourists. It was really kind of amazing. I was almost expecting the whole typical tourist thing but its actually not a good touristy place. I'm used to the Black Hills where its okay to shoot cyotes on farmland, deer in your yard, and mountain lions just because they are there. But there is such respect for wildlife and and the land in Yellowstone. Granted part of that is becuase if you step off the trail in the wrong place you become human soup-but still they are trying to keep the place as natural and wild as possible. Lots of raw positive energy surronding the place. Homeschooling is going well. We have a nice little groove. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough but then I notice other kids and can see she is still ahead of them acedemically. And she is a natural social butterfly so no impediments there. Its great to have the opportunity(and the mindset) that anything can be a learning experience. Instead of just dragging her along to run errands or go to doctor appointments she actually is a part of my life and learns about life through experience.I have a lot of soapbox topics I've ranted about in my head over the past couple of months but I won't bother writing them here now. Maybe later.
happiness is...
[Aug. 1st, 200501:04 pm]
I've come to realize how thankful I am for the many joys in my life-especially within in the last year or so...I became more emotionally stable than I had been in a long time- partially because I fully rid myself of the hurt and rejection I felt when I was with Eric and even after we seperated. I found focus and purpose in life. I've become more involved and responsible for my child's education. I finally found some wonderful friends who didn't flake out on me. I started meeting people of like mind and began realizing there is diversity in this area even if it has to be sought out. I've learned to finish drywall and do it quite well. I let my creativity come out while redecorating/renovating the house. I know that a hard days work can completely transform an ugly room into a most amazing space. I submitted to a few magazines and was finally accepted to one-a niche magazine but a respectable one in that niche. I became mobil which has allowed my the independance to explore my areas of interest and to keep in contact with friends. I discovered some publications that are teaching me a great deal about politics, feminism, wicca, healthy lifestyle, and other interests. I feel I can confidently say I'm a good cook-I enjoy cooking and using healthy tasty ingredients in my dishes. I can finally say that I can grow a big ol' tomato plant-although mother nature is doing most the work. I taught myself to knit a scarf. I fininshed embroidering adeline's curtains and think they are as lovely as anything Martha Stewart can come up with. I got my hideous tattoo covered with a purdy fairy and now feel much more comfortable in a tank top. I developed a taste to coffee and I found a beer that I like-its German. And finally-I have a nightstand.So thanks foremost to Josh for providing me the opportunity to live a happy fullfilling life-and for being a wonderful partner to share it with. Thanks especially to Adeline for making motherhood the most blessed event. Thanks to my mom for instilling a love of SciFi becasue Stargate in really getting awesome and awesome entertainment also makes me smile. Thanks to my old friends and to my new-without them I'd personify everything from my pencil to the blender just to have someone to talk to.
[Jun. 12th, 200508:19 pm]
Nothing super fantastic has happenend recently in my own little world. And nothing in the big wide world I feel like commenting on. I have some thoughts formulating on fat and societies view of beauty-or more specifically the frat boys view of beauty. Yes I'm stereo-typing when I say "frat boy". I really appreciate the pockets of creative and open-minded people I've found around here but still I feel there is not a strong enough sense of community. I want to feel at home. I have such difficulty taking those first few steps to make friends. When I do, I feel I either give off those desperate-to-be-liked vibes or I am closed off. And its not that I'm desperate to be liked because I like who I am. It's more that I want to find people who are even willing to form friendships. I think maybe I and the pockets of people I've found have been used to living in an environment where we have to protect ourselves from the ones who look down on us just for being who we are. We're used to not letting people in because in part we don't expect there to be others like us. For example it took several months of picking our kids up from preschool for Erika and I to actually talk and it only took one conversation to know we liked each other.Of course I don't want people exactly like me. I just want community with people who can learn from and respect each other. I don't want to complain too much, I think it is slowly starting to happen. Not on a large scale-I'm just finding some of those pockets and assimilating myself into them. I think that's the main reason I like bigger cities. I can find neighborhoods where it feels comfortable to just be in them-I don't have to be noticed and I don't feel like an outsider. Hmm, this is spawning way to many avenues of thought for me to explore. Avenues I need to follow before I can write about it further.
renewal
[Apr. 21st, 200512:23 pm]
With the Spring comes renewal. I've been renewing all over the place. We've started a Feng Shui makover on the house and yard. Instinctually we'd already made most of it attractive to positive energy. But already we can feel and see the affects of a little re-arranging.I had physically cleaned and smudged(using sage incense and Reiki) the main floor of the house on the equinox but soon after that we had a little break in. Two little poop-heads in the neighborhood, playmates of adeline even, broke into our house while we were away. The stealing of our quarters wasn't so bad but the going through ALL our drawers and being in our personal space was very violating. They even went through my portable alter/ceremony box. So before I could even cleanse the house I had to cleanse my ceremony stuff. The Feng Shui has made a differnce with that too. Already I feel more protected and the negative cloud that was hanging over our house has lifted.I've been feeling the need to connect again with people I haven't talked to in a while. Usually when I get that way it is because I'm feeling trapped and alone. But this time I'm moving forward. I've been meeting new friends and connecting with people locally. I guess the new friendships remind me to not forget the old ones. I love my friends. They add so much to my life and have taught me so much about myself and how they see the world. I appreciate especially you Karrie, Blosser, Darshan, Sheli, Mike, and Tim. Even if we go for months without writing there is always a piece of you that is a piece of me.
what's so special about today?
[Apr. 11th, 200509:46 am]
Okay so the best April 11th I've ever had was so totally not focused on me but at the same time it was so much about who I am. I didn't get any presents that I remember or attend any parties. No national or global event worth remembering took place. But I can always use that date of that year(1997)to remember the part of me I often keep restrained. Even though I've shared the memory with others I keep the feeling and detatils like a treasure locked inside to remind myself that at any moment, for no drastic reason, I have the ability to put day-to-day life on hold and make an adventure. To travel just to travel. With little money,a not-so-reliable vehicle, blankets and a tent, and of course a companion. Karrie understands, she shared the day with me. It wasn't the first adventure we shared, or the last. It wasn't even the most significant. It was probably the only one that was just the two of us and of course my birthday happened to fall on that particular outing but even that didn't make it any more special. But it does give me a reference to compare all my other adventures to. And it gives me a reason to let that part of myself live and occasionally let it roam. I don't want my best birthday to be at such a young age and I don't want to look back on my life and think "those were the days". Hopefully one of my adventures will fall again on my birthday so that that memory won't have it's own pedastal but until then I keep it up there to remind me to leave the house a mess, pack a bag, and just go.
reddened skin
[Apr. 7th, 200506:27 pm]
Warm sunny days are upon us. Adeline and I already got the years first sunburns. And of course Josh gave me a spanking for not remembering to use sunblock. April is birthday month. A time to kinda mourn youth and the wasted hours being depressed, bored, and lazy. At least I'm getting published before thirty. Like I wrote Blosser, whose birthday is also this month, lets party like it's 1982. We were 6, our lives were yet to be lived, and getting up in the morning for a half day of kindergarten was such a big deal. The Salem Park premiere is tomorrow night. We're excited to dress up and go support our friends contribution to the film-and to see the film itself.Every day grows closer to the time Adeline leaves me for two months and every day I get a little more anxious at her leaving.
Spring Equinox
[Mar. 21st, 200501:59 pm]
Winter stood me up again. But that's okay I have a new love to wait for. Spring. It's officially here. Of course winter is jealous and threatening to return. Right now it's only teasing me with cold rain and a few flurries.I did some spring cleaning. Swept out the negative energy and invited the positive in and protected the house with Reiki. I had planned to dye eggs with adeline using natural ingredients-onion skins, beet juice, tea, ginger, etc. But I was feeling ill so I've put it off til we can really enjoy it.
waiting
[Mar. 18th, 200502:15 pm]
I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. For winter to show up and bring its overnight bag-I'm sick of these one night stands. For spring which is technically supposed to blossom this sunday. For my new addiction to absorb into my blood and brain and give me the energy to follow through to the end on one of my projects. Waiting to be pretty enough or smart enough or confidant enough to grab life by the tits and squeeze. This time of year is purgatory.
the year of the rooster
[Feb. 25th, 200501:01 pm]
As with any holiday big or small Deadwood plans to celebrate in a big way. At least I can use this one as a learning experience for adeline. If I were a proper drama queen I'd have an outfit for all these celebrations. Actually I found a lovely dress and slippers in The Pyramid Collection catalog that would be perfect for The Chinese New Year.I got the Houchin family reunion invite today. I'm looking forward to it but I'm also dreading it. I don't know how I'll react to my abusive uncle who has never owned up to his disgusting ways, my cousins who now think I'm heathen or something, and my father who has never seen my six year old daughter. I don't know what to expect but I'm going to make an appearance if only to face my "demons".
Unitarian Universalist Faith
[Jan. 27th, 200505:05 pm]
Here I will describe to the best of my ability what I believe as Unitarian Universalist. For an expert view on the subject I read(and you can too) "A Chosen Faith" by J.Buehrens and F.Church.*UUs refer to the wisdoms of the worlds religions, including but not limited to Judaism and Christianity, and the worlds philosophies, such as Buddhism. We take what is good and true from religion/philosophy and apply it to our lives. The universal truth of most religions is some form of the belief that we should live our lives without causing physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional harm to others.*UUs believe in equality of every human no matter what race, gender, sexual preference, religion, age, marital status, height, disability, personalitly, astrological sign, weight, etc.*UUs strive to make the earth healthy.*UUs believe in religious experience-those transcending experiences that can't be explained away and that alter our drive, personality, and sense of awareness for the better.*UUs don't imagine God to be a man in flowing white robes, who sits in a giant castle with pearly gates, who orders about the angels and the humans. UUs define God for themselves but most agree that God is a presence greater than humans and at the same time within each of us. UUs give God many names and accept that others may have a different name for the same presence they are in awe of. Some say "Allah", some say "Goddess", Some say "Great Spirit", I say "Divine Presence" and sometimes "Love" or for simplicity sake just "God".*Many UUs follow spiritual teachings of Earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature. I am one of those UUs. I do not call myself pagan or witch or wiccan but I am devoted to the wiccan way and I do celebrate the natural holidays(called Sabbats). But I also acknowledge and celebrate the christian holidays and commercial holidays and would like to learn more about and celebrate other holidays such as Day of the Dead or Yom Kippur.*UUs heed the guidance of reason and the results of science. *UUs believe that religion is personal but also acknowledge the importance of community. Though each UU has a seperate and deeply personal religous path we accept each other and provide support.*Many UUs don't believe that Jesus was resurected. This is how I explain what I believe to my 6 year old. "Everyone has a spirit-a spirit is our thoughts and feelings that we can't see or touch. Our bodies are the things our spirit lives in. Our bodies get sick and old and eventually die. God is that feeling in us that makes us want to treat each others nice and love everyone. Jesus had a lot of that feeling, probably more than most. His body died. But maybe because he had so much of that good feeling in him, so much God in him, his body was able to come back to life. I don't know but I believe it is possible because there are a lot of things I don't yet understand." For more info on UU visit www.uua.org
Whoo Hoo
[Jan. 26th, 200505:21 pm]
I will be published in the March issue of The Beltane Papers. The magazine is a beautifully put together publication of essays, poems, artwork, etc. by earth-centered spiritual women. My essay along with many of the essays in there are poetic and personal. It will be my first time being published and I'm proud of the essay as well as the place it will first appear to the public.Being published has given me a great sense of accomplishment and a drive to continue writing and submitting.
[Jan. 22nd, 200502:21 pm]
Finally attended the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Rapid. It was weird being in a church type setting again. But the casual atmosphere and friendly people made it easier. There are a few pagans and no "preacher". From what I understand anyone has a chance to give the presentation. It is just nice to be around people who are open minded and willing to converse about things of substance.
As of Late
[Nov. 29th, 200411:32 am]
We decided to Homeschool full time after researching "afterschooling". Classical Education is the way to go and might as well go all the way with it. I've been researching like mad, joined a couple support groups, and have already figured out her curriculum for grade One(and some of grades 2-4). I'm really excited to get started-I think adeline will really enjoy it too. She'll get to meet lots of different people and learn things she wouldn't otherwise learn. There is even a strings instrument course specifically for homeschoolers and we could learn togegher. I've always wanted to play the cello and she could learn the violin. We could have our own little orchestra-josh could play the tringle-ooh or the symbols. I can also get her involved in Martial Arts or if she wants continue her in dance.We hosted Thanksgiving. It was pleasant. I enjoy cooking for a lot of people even when I dump a whole apple crisp out on the oven door. Our new table was even delivered in time to show it off. My aunt Jeri is a sociable person and I enjoy visiting with her.I invited April to our New Years bash. She's one of the cool dance moms. I hope she can make it-throw some new people into the mix-not that the old standbys aren't great-in fact I'm really looking forward to seeing them again! It's never too early to start planning for the New Year. I'm thinking a mod 60's theme this year-with chex mix, martinnis, and little cocktail weenies.
What's new with me
[Nov. 13th, 200412:46 pm]
The house looks really good-like a home-comfy and cozy. It's almost worthy to entertain in-not that the squatter look before stopped us from having company.I've been researching classical education so that I can "afterschool" adeline. I don't want her to be just another idiot kid produced by the public school system-unable to think analytically and come to the logical conclusion. A classical education will give her the mental resources she needs to explore her world to the fullest instead of learning only a limited view point. Plus it will get my own noggin working again-I'll be able to reschool myself. Been moody lately and sensitive-not just the p.m.s.ey kind of moody either. Part of it is I haven't gotten away from home for awhile. I always feel good after adelines dance class because there I have cool people to talk to. I ordered a bunch of books too that will keep my mind busy.I think I've found a religious organization I can fully respect. I'll have to research it more and attend a couple services before I know for sure. It's Unitarian Universalism-It's jewish/christian based but it accepts and integrates other religions and philosophies. It recognizes the Bible as an important book historically, theologically, and morally but doesn't use it as its only guideline nor think it's infallible. God is not seen as the big man in the flowing white robes untouchable and unattainable-but rather as a divine, non-gendered, presence above and a part of each of us. It allows me to incorporate the earth based celebrations(and the wiccan rede), buddhist philosophies, feminist ideals, and desire for equal rights for all humans into it-all things that every other christian church is so fond of damning.Told my mom about my abusive uncle. Shocked her. I'll have to talk to her again to see how she's processed it. I told her that the primary people he abused have forgiven him but that I have no desire to do the same. Mine is not an anti-christian perspective like they want me to believe. Wether you're christian or wiccan or buddhist there are consequences to actions-some call it kharma. See the thing about forgiveness without consequenes is that it allows the abuser to keep on abusing. He's never asked for my forgiveness. They don't want me to confront him because it would cause strain in their family dynamic-and because he'd know they've talked about it with me. He still has the control over that memory because he was never made to confront the trauma he caused me. Some may be able to forgive without being asked but without that confrontation, acknowledgement of his wrong doing, and closure he still holds the power and power is the ultimate basis of the abuse.My hands are cold I gotta quit typing now.
the last month or so
[Sep. 1st, 200408:56 am]
Adeline is home. It is so great to have her back. It took awhile to get used to the noise that constantly comes from her mouth and the continual energy-at the same time it's a welcome string of chatter and bouncing about. She started her first day of Kindergarden today! I was pretty excited to see all the kids in her class weren't white- and all the white ones aren't from white trash(not that there is anything wrong with white trash, it's just not the lifestyle I choose for myself anymore-and I only have a problem with it when it breeds discrimination and ingnorance). GO divirsity-whoo hoo!Going to Louisville was interesting. It was cool to be back in a familar big city-but there were too many memories with someone I don't like. It was strange going to the same places with someone I love that I went to with someone I don't want to think about.Don't have much left with the house. Josh and his dad drywalled. I mudded adelines room and am working on the dining and living rooms. Josh and I skim coated and painted adelines room, he refinished her floors and we moved her furniture in-we still have some to do but her room is livable. It's so girly but classic none of the Disney princess crap. She likes it.I'm looking forward to getting back into some sort of schedule. With adeline going to school that should come fairly easy. I want to get the house done so I can start working and help pay off some debts. Then maybe we can travel. We hung out with friends from Seatle and it made me really miss having that kind interaction with open minded people my age. I was pleasantly suprised by how well we all got on-I didn't know any of them that well and only one of them I was once close to. It was the first time Josh has ever hung out with people(besides family)who were in my life before he was. It was great to be with people who accepted us as a package and that we accepted equally as much. Josh and I aren't completly different but if you judged us by our friends from our past you'd think we gravitated toward seperate kinds of people. I guess what I'm saying is that I was able to see(through our interaction with the seatle people and even with his cousin's when they came out for the rally) that we do want the same thing when it comes to friendship with others. Those kind of friendships are something we thrive on but haven't had much opporunity to experience together. I hope to join a women's spirituality group(not a coven) starting this Fall Equinox. We're celebrating Mabon together and we'll see, if I feel comfortable with it I'd like to continue meeting with them. Potentially the group will give me some of the interaction I'm craving.I'm looking forward to fall-all the old dies and the new has a chance to regenerate and come back better than before...I've dealt with a lot of internal issues this past year and I worked to renew my physical self and environment. With a new cycle looming I'm expecting a better more balanced me to emerge.
This Week
[Jul. 20th, 200401:42 pm]
Now I'm reading Sefer Yetzirah: The Book of Creation. It's "the oldest and most mysterious of the kabbalistic texts". Also reading a book about Kabbalah. They're both difficult to read but have been spiritually rewarding. It is definetly part of my spirtual journey. I remember as a kid loving the Jewish aspects/orgins of Christianity-the songs the traditions- and as I got older the ancient hebrew texts that became the Old Testament. I love that all that is catching up to me in my studies and beliefs about God.Josh's bro and dad started insulating the house, Josh is almost done rewiring, and I've started refinishing adeline's furniture.Bought some cute lil baby clothes for a new member of the family. Told Josh I wanted a baby just so we could buy more tiny outfits. Sometimes I really want a baby but I just don't know if it would be a good thing to bring another life into an overcrowded and hateful world.I've established a good communication with an editor of a mag that I'd like to get published to. She even gave me good advice on a revision. And another editor of another mag told me that my essay was great and should be published(just not in that magazine issue). I feel really encouraged and more motivated. Even if it was rejected I got positive feedback and that's what is important.Ma is here for lunch-gotta go.
God Code
[Jul. 15th, 200411:27 am]
I finished The God Code by Gregg Braden. The theory of a code within our DNA linking us to the number value of the Hebrew(and aramaic) word for God is fascinating but the science of it is a little tricky to follow. The theory is easily acceptable given my belief that God is within everyone and all of creation. What I liked about the book were the references to other ancient and religous texts. It definetly made me want to study those texts to understand a braoder perspective of Creation and the Creator. God is not limited to the Christian definition. On Amazon I found something that makes me go "hmmm". There is a review of The God Code from Johnny Depp from France. There wasn't much praise in any of the reviews but I think what people are failing to see is that it is only a beginner book. It gives one a platform for more serious study of God and Creation, a motivation sort of. I think it would be an eye opening book for all those who go to christian church(or any church) and accept only that religous institutions idea of who God is and where God exists.
Lately
[Jul. 9th, 200409:55 am]
I've been reading _The God Code_ by Gregg Braden. So far it's put into a readable format a lot of the beliefs I've had and have been trying to express about God.Got myself a scooter. A curvacious little thing. I'm still a litle chicken to take it in heavy traffic.Feels like we're at a standstill with the house. Only because it's in the re-wiring/electric phase and I can't really help with that. Soon it's onto insulation and drywall though so I can get back into it.Been writing(and reading) more. Almost finished revising and adding onto something I want to send into a couple mags.Wrote a letter to my ex-husband(which I alluded to in the previous entry). Was able to release a lot of the repressed anger and hurt I had and to regain the pieces of my soul I left in the past. I haven't been depressed since doing so-I guess I just needed to break away from the cycle-a cycle that he's still in but it doesn't affect me anymore.Had lunch with ma the other day. Good time/good conversation. Let her read the letter to eric which explained a lot of why we split up and how it had to do with his making me feel worthless-stuff I never talked to her about before.Decided to learn more about herbs and hebrew(unrelated subjects). It's funny how the interests of my past are resurfacing but now I feel ready for them.Lately I've been happy.
the cycle is broken
[Jul. 6th, 200406:49 pm]
I'm so over it. Eric doesn't want to be my friend so this time I'm making it official. I'm tired of letting him into my life-tired of allowing myself to be friends with him only to be completely rejected soon after as if I were worthless. It's a cycle that's been going on since we were married. It's caused me extreme mental and emotional distress but now I'm done. No longer will I encourage adeline to draw him pictures, no longer will I send him photos of the moments he's absent from her life, no longer will I speak to him or give him a smile when I see him in person. And I'll stop saying he is a good father who has his daughters well being in mind when he makes life choices-that's because he's getting back together with his second wife. The woman who made adeline feel worthless with her neglect, jealousy, and emotional abuse. It is his choice to not be friendly and to not communicate about issues that affect our daughter. We may not have had a legal document but we had a verbal understanding that he is in breech of. So I've made the only choice that I'm left with-and as much as I'd like to, I will not be so friendly about it.
everybody's free to feel good
[May. 23rd, 200409:44 pm]
Okay screw the depression. I have to get focused and work my ass off(literally). And get the ol' gears in my noggin running and get some stuff written. Seriously, f**k the lonesomeness, the feelings of no control, and all the continual reasons for my sadness.
postpartum depression
[May. 18th, 200404:00 am]
I awoke in the night thinking I heard the crys of adeline. But of course I didn't. She's in Indiana with her Papa for the summer. The night is silent. I am alone.Being alone was never a problem til now. My life is so entwined with hers. Oh sure I still have my own interests and goals but the emptiness I feel knowing she's gone for so long is heavy and unrelenting.Yes, there are pros;she will gain a different perspective and I will have the time to write and renovate the house. The problem for me is pushing the emptiness far enough back and replacing it with motivation.
I heart cats
[Apr. 22nd, 200410:17 am]
I like my cat. Not to be confused with the xxx version "I heart kitties". Now I'm not one of those crazed cat people with the cat shaped coffee mug cozy, figurines lining my shelves, pretty little stationary with sunny sweet cats on them(well i guess my stationary is "hello kitty" hmmm). Anyway, Prudence is like a dog in many ways and I finally see where the expression of "curious cats" comes from. Although curious isn't the right word for it. Everynight when I'm getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth, drinking water, taking allergy medicine, she sits on the lid of the loo and watches every move and has to sniff every item I pick up-if she doesn't get to sniff it she meows and looks all puppy eyed. If I'm preparing food she begs to be brought up to counter level to watch what I'm doing-maybe she was a chef in a former life. And she follows me around the house(but so does adeline). Whichever room I'm working in, Prudence gets cozy and takes a nap. And she's like an annoying little sister to adeline. She'll chase and attack when adeline walks by. When adeline lays on the floor to draw a picture, Prudence will walk over and sit on the paper and sometimes bat the pencil. So anyway I may be an animal lover but I never thought I'd devote a whole entry to a pet. She's cool and that's all I have to say about that... I promise.
owoooch.
[Apr. 13th, 200404:13 pm]
I've been lazy. bad bad bad. Bad for the brain. Maybe that explains my powerful headaches of late.Got attuned to Reiki II. Added Firefly to my list of all time favorite forms of entertainment-it's genius writing. I mean I look at similar genres-the most close likeness being Star Wars. Well Star Wars has nothing on the plot, the dialogue, the pure scope of the entire thought behind Firelfly-plus Firefly doesn't have all the hokey aliens-you know just because its in space doesn't mean there has to be aliens involved. Not that I'm prejudice against other life forms-especially changling spies. Its warm. Flip flops have invaded my shoe floor space. Time to paint the toenails pink.
rainy day women
[Mar. 17th, 200403:22 pm]
Today it rained. An on-the-eve-of spring rain. Ostara(the spring/vernal equinox) is near-march 20th this year. Adeline and I walked downtown to watch the St.Patty's day parade-we got a hot chocolate-caught some candy and beer tokens-and let the rain soak our hair and eyelashes. My favorite thing about the parade were the two guys in kilts meandering behind the bagpipers drinking their beers. Then we walked home and stopped at an antique store along the way. I bought a pink chicken candy dish. The fog in the mountain tops reminded adeline of Snow White for some reason. The hedges had tiny buds. Tonight we'll sleep smelling the awakening earth and be awoken by the chatter of a thousand and one birds outside our window.
[Mar. 7th, 200410:43 am]
FREE MARTHA
silent snow secret snow
[Mar. 5th, 200405:06 pm]
Been a bit lonely lately. There's a serious lack of culture and diversity in these here parts. But I'm dealing-trying to focus the energy I'd otherwise be using on friends into other projects. The full moon is tomorrow. It should be really amazing reflecting off all the snow we've had. Perfect for magick.I'm working on another childrens book-I think I'll actually get this one finished. (you know with all the extra focus and all)Actually the solitude has been good for my personal reflection and I think I can get some things written that I've been avoiding.praise cheeses :)
the infallible word of god
[Feb. 29th, 200412:30 pm]
I've been reading a bit about Mel's Passion-not that I care about the hollywood hype-and giving lots of thought to christianity and its basis, the Bible. Newsweeks Jon Meacham article was a very unbiased historical look at the Movies accuracy by looking at the Bible's accuracy. He wrote things (almost exactly to the word) that I've been saying about the Bible for a few years-about how the Bible is written by men and there are historical, social, and translational inaccuracies. This was something I learned at a christian school while preparing for the ministry. Yet it is something that so many lay christians don't take for truth. They claim it is infallible. And this is my thought:What if it is? What if God is this male like figure sitting in heaven who was lonely and wanted something to love so he created the earth and a man and some animals and then he gave the man a woman so the man could breed with her. And what if we as humans really are supposed to be ingnorant. What if all our problems really did start when eve ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge and suddenly knew things she wasn't supposed to know and then it caused her to wonder and question and realize, hey I'm naked and adam shouldn't see me naked unless he wants to make a baby with me.And WHAT IF the Bible is so infalible that women really aren't equal and do belong to men, and men can have slaves, and gay men can be cast out of society, and children are property and do take on the sins of thier parents. What if despite all the historical and scientific studies that kind of God does exist and does ultimately reign and is able to send some souls to a hell if they didn't in life accept Jesus and become a christian even if those damned souls lived a life of kindness and love. WHAT IF. I can't deny its a possibility. But I can say that I don't want to live that kind of life. I don't want to be the weaker sex. I don't want my voice(my views) hushed because I'm a woman. I don't want to hate(or feel pity for)other religions and lifesyles. I don't want to stop questioning. I don't want to think of my child as property(espeacially because she'd be the property of her father). I don't want my body used by my husband(if I had one) for procreation when HE decided it was appropriate-or used by my husband for whatever purpose he decided.To claim the Bible as infallible is to claim all those things plus some I didn't mention. I can't do that. I can't live a life of ingnorance and under the domination of man and I won't raise my daughter that way. If that means I lose the respect and friendship from members of my family or peers than I say goodbye to you who want me to be like you.
the longest month
[Feb. 11th, 200406:03 pm]
February drags on and on and on...well maybe not as bad as January. We celebrated Josh's birthday a couple of weekends(or was it one weekend? see it drags)ago. Red Rock River Resort in Hot Springs. The massages were great except for the noisy bitties in the adjoing TRANQUILITY room jabbering on about nothing. And the rooms were like a guest room rather than a hotel room. The Blue Vervain is overall the best dining experience in the Black Hills-and I finally had a reason to get all gussied up in fifties cocktail attire-not that the Blue Vervain is a fifties joint, I just like having a bit of a theme when I dress formal. Been getting that mental stimulation I've been craving lately in the form of defending my spirituality and putting into words my thoughts on control issues-yes I'm vague, all anyone needs to know is I've been able to use my noggin' lately for more than planning meals for a week. Of course its my own fault I've been complacent in the self education area-I do hate having to argue my reasons for things especially when I could be putting my energies into other things.Been a little lonely. Can't get out much during the winter. But nice days are coming and I hope to do some volunteer work. Adeline registers for Kindergarten already. I'd like to take some classes this fall but I'll have to work part time instead. I guess either way I'll be exposed to some new personalities and hopefully interesting perspectives on life. Hopefully it'll give me some new material to start writing more. Yeah, words.
start the year with a bang:)
[Jan. 7th, 200402:11 pm]
The New Year celebration was...a bang of sparkles, a crowd of crazy people, dizzy heads, a balmy 17 degrees, updoes and thick makeup, black boots and western shirts.A little bit country a little bit rock and roll.Friends and family sharing a turducken, a house, and some laughs.today i'm working on another essay and trying to breathe through all the phlegm in my head
Where did Christmas go?
[Dec. 26th, 200302:02 pm]
The Holidays. I spent Christmas shivering under layers of blankets, feeling as if Prudence had shoved her kitten paws down my throat and ripped it to pieces while a herd of reindeer trampled every muscle in my body. If it weren't for "It's a Wonderful Life" playing on TV I'd never have known it was Christmas. I didn't even go to the family farm for Christmas eve-the first I've ever missed.
winter celebration
[Dec. 18th, 200305:49 pm]
Yule is nearly here, as is Christmas. We're celebrating both. Josh's family(ma,pa, 2 bros, and a sis) will be here this weekend. Dick Burns is playing in Deadwood so we'll spend considerable time there. They're my favorite local band, then the jazz band Swing Shift followed by the girl led band Dustin Roxx(not sure on the spelling there). Christmas eve we'll go, as tradition demands, to my uncle Bob's/gramms farm for food, presents, and games. Happy Happy Joy Joy. Actually Christmas Eve is one family function where I actually feel like part of the family. But the real celebration is New Years Eve. Again with Josh's bros and cousins and cousins wives and friends and whoever else shows up. It's a party. It's also mine and Josh's anniversary. Anniversary to what you ask...Hmmmm.
yule trees and christmas jerks
[Dec. 5th, 200304:22 pm]
We got our yule tree yesterday. Another 9ft. fat juniper tree like last year. Since I believe in Jesus too we celebrate both yule and christmas. It's fun being able to explain to adeline the differences between yule and christmas and how decorated trees, red and green, etc have nothing to do with christmas. She totally gets it-she even made the association of easter bunnies not having anything to do with jesus on easter. If only other people understood that and how other pagan sabbats were incorporated into christian holidays.I do hate going to stores this time of year though. I hated working in sales even more. People are so evil this time of year and materialistic. Presents are great and all but the extremes some people go to please with gifts. I hate being asked to make a list of what I want. If a person doesn't know me enough to know what I'd like or creative enough to come up with something unique than I don't want anything from them. Christmas isn't about what I want it's about giving because it feels good to give and being with people you care about. People make it too big of a chore. Then they get stressed and make everyone around them miserable and well the holidays end up sucking. I'm much less cynical this year not having to deal with customers. Maybe the magic of it all will return.that's my soapbox of the day
[Dec. 3rd, 200306:19 pm]
Lounging around listening to jazz and wishing I were in my pj's. Adeline is playing with the new cat-Prudence. Its my first cat in a long time. Last time I planned on getting a cat I got pregnant instead. My hands burn. Not ouch burn. Like when you hold a hot cup of tea for too long and your skin feels numb, a little painful but tolerable. They burn because I was attuned to Reiki. If you don't know what it is look it up-its all about energy. When I was reading Celestine Prophecy and getting excited about being able to see energy-that's nothing compared to being able to channel energy through my palms. And I can see that too on occasion, especially when Josh and I play with the energy together. It's cool that with his scientific mind he actually is so open to "alternative" ways of thinking and doing. It's more than amazing having a partner who is right there with me, understanding all the spiritual crazy talk and willing to explore that aspect with me.
[Jan. 25th, 200612:21 pm]
Blosser bought me Serenity. Yesterday we watched it. Good thing I'm not hormonal or else I wouldn't be able to hold back the tears. And it wasn't because certain people died. It was just amazing to experience. It is totally beyond stupid that more poeple don't recognize that kind of writing, visual story telling, acting, the whole world of Serenity/Firefly as being the amazing creation that it is. I expected Shepard to die, I was thinking Inara would(she didn't), and was really sad about Wash(I've loved him since that first scene where he was playing with his toy dinosaurs). But if it had to happen to someone it had to be him because Zoe is the only person strong enough to handle her partners death. My only complaint...Who the hell is that person on the front of the DVD cover! I understand the movie was about uncovering River's mystery but that is NOT River on the front. What more can I say. There aren't a whole lot of mainstream minds who can get my awe over Joss and his worlds. But I'm glad they're out there.
why mothers and homemakers go insane
[Jan. 22nd, 200608:06 pm]
This is what I have to say to my daughter who is 7 and acts like cleaning her room is the worst thing to experience..."Try cleaning a whole house. Try coming up with a lifetime of healthy meals that satisfy three(or more) different tastes. Try leaving the house when your kid won't until her every hair is in place, her makeup is just right, and her clothes match perfectly. Try raising a kid at all. Try living each day feeling disrespected, unappreciated, unadored, and rejected by people who are supposed to love you. Try doing all that, enjoying most of it, and remaining positive that the not-so-great parts will magically be transformed into a beautiful place with flowers and butterflies and pretty fairies and fountains of wine and handsome men and gorgeous women are there to give you massages with happy endings and fan you with banana leaves and feed you grapes and oranges dipped in chocoate.......
forgiviness
[Jan. 16th, 200611:19 am]
"In the Babemba tribe of South Africa, when a person acts irresponsibly orunjustly, he is placed in the center of the village, alone and unfettered.All work ceases, and every man, woman, and child in the village gathers in alarge circle around the accused individual. Then each person in the tribespeaks to the accused, one at a time, each recalling the good things theperson in the center of the circle has done in his lifetime. Every incident,every experience that can be recalled with any detail and accuracy, isrecounted. All his positive attributes, good deeds, strengths, andkindnesses are recited carefully and at length. This tribal ceremony oftenlasts for several days. At the end, the tribal circle is broken, a joyouscelebration takes place, and the person is symbolically and literallywelcomed back into the tribe... as the Buddha said: ‘Hatred will never ceaseby hatred. By love alone is it healed.’"as described by Alice Walker inSent by Earth: A Message from the Grandmother SpiritThis was posted in a homeschool internet group I belong to. It speaks to me. It's a message in a line of synchronistic events in my life currently. Before I received the message I was trying to use the Tibetan singing bowl to pray for health. I couldn't get it to hum. Then I opened and read the above message. It helped me realize that in order for my immune system to be at its best and for my health to improve I need to let go of the blockages in my energy/psyche. I prayed again with the singing bowl this time giving forgiveness to those who've hurt me. My focus was attuned, the bowl hummed, and I felt at peace. I know that I have to continue everyday to remember those people are forgiven and I have to actually convey that message directly to them. But this first step is very important.
Happy Holidays
[Jan. 3rd, 200609:18 am]
My holidays are finally over. I celebrated the Winter Solstice with a commitment/candle ceremony to renew my spirituality. Then we had about three different present opening christmases with family-i guess we'll have to have a couple more of those when adeline comes home so I'm not done with that yet. Then our annual New Years party. The party was great. The weather was the warmest its ever been so watching the ball drop was actually enjoyable. We had about 11 people pass out at our house. This year we had a bigger ratio of girls to boys which was a totally different dynamic. More drama, more whining about who was going to get the couch or the beds, more giggling and hugging. And I have to say I outdid myself with the food. Of course we had our two biggest traditions-the turduken and Jeremy's pleather pants.I have to ask-Are all those opposed to "Happy Holiday" and pushing so hard for "Merry Christmas" going to be the New Nazis? Christians are the ones who stuck their holiday into the Winter Solstice where our ancestors celebrated the lenghtening of the days and the coming of the "Sun" as opposed to the "Son". I don't know which came first Hanukkah or Christmas and I'm pretty ignorant about Kwanza too. But I do know all this taking Christ out of christmas is dumb. Most of the the things associated with Christmas don't have anything to do with it in the first place-Yule logs, lights, holly, red and green-its a Yule thing not a christmas thing. Why can't we just celebrate it all, huh. And frankly, the New Year is what I look forward to most. The crowds are yelling happy greeting to each other, there is so much happiness and fun. The combintation of food and spirits and family and sparkles. Its the most peace on earth good will toward men holiday here in deadwood and I imagine lots of other places too. So happy effing holidays to all of you.
and the tears came...again
[Dec. 15th, 200508:53 am]
I did something stupid. I turned on Buffy knowing full well "The Body" was going to be on. I wouldn't have watched it but the satellite radio was being problematic and I needed something to listen to or watch while I ate my cheerios. Of course that episode always makes me cry at some point-usually when Anya gets upset about not knowing how to react to Joyce's death. But the minute I began watching it I teared up and wanted to bawl. I've been doing that a lot lately:when I read adeline a sappy bedtime story, when some guy proposed on Queer Eye, when I'm in the shower and the water pelts my back muscles into relaxation. For a few weeks(4long weeks) I could blame it on the pregnancy hormones leaving my body-but even then I defied the emotions, knowing full well they were laced with hormones. But now I'm wondering if I did the wrong thing. Even though those feelings were mostly due to chemical imbalance I'm wondering if maybe I should have grieved. I cried when the doctor confirmed my fear that the pregnancy was blighted but even then I forced back the tears. I knew intuitively there was no baby even though my body carried on the pregnancy for another month. And even now I'm not all that upset that I have to try again-it gives me more time to get in better shape and hey, now I can drink at the New Years Party. So why do I still get emotional at stupid things? Experiences that aren't mine and don't apply directly to me. It's confusing, and weak, and irrational and I have to stop doing it because there are bigger things in the world and in life to deal with.
that time of year again
[Dec. 7th, 200509:54 am]
It's getting closer to the time I have to take Adeline to stay with her Papa for awhile. She'll only be gone three weeks but still the old anxiety is coming back. He's not a horrible person but I don't feel she's safe with him. Mostly I worry about her mental and emotional health when she's with him(or my mom). Their religion teaches hate and that's the biggest problem I have with her spending any time with them. He doesn't spend the quality time with her that I do-leaves her with people he doesn't know. And he feeds her too much gross junk food. Of course he disciplines differently and she has to learn and relearn what his rules are. I fear he doesn't have the understanding that I do when she does something wrong. At least she won't have to deal with him talking to his 2nd ex-wife or with the ex-wife being there. If that where the case she wouldn't be going to visit him ever. I have lots planned to keep me busy but that doesn't stop the saddness of her being so far away.
Wiccan Pride
[Nov. 28th, 200502:07 pm]
It is snowing. Big fluffy drifts of snow out there. We had chocolate chip cookies and milk for dinner last night. It's the perfect thing for cold days.I am bugged by these people who play witch or act all new agey or goth to impress people. Spirituality to me has never been about impressing people-in fact that was one of the things I hated most about Christian Church-all the people trying to put on a good show. I remember making the decision to quit dressing up for Sunday service. I understand having an interest in Wicca but not really knowing where to begin or how much of oneself to commit. I went through that. It's easy to claim Wicca and even do a few ceremonies or rituals on the full moons and the sabbats. But it felt empty to me. Sure, I so dug the concept of treating people and the earth with respect. I loved the search for balance between the feminine and masculine. And I could really relate to the mysticism that comes with being aware of the spiritual realm. Bu I never wanted to call myself Wiccan or a Witch. But I also had trouble labeling myself because I so despise limiting myself with labels and also because I hate the pre-conceived ideas people have about any label, especially Wicca. But over the past few months I've begun caring little about what others think. I've always had a little bit of that attitude that's why I got tats and piercings and dyed my hair pink. But then I decided why should I look "cool" just to get the "cool kids" to talk to me? So I took out my tongue ring, took the dye out of my hair, and started dressing like a normal conservative suburban mom. No, I didn't really do that last thing, I just couldn't do that. Bu you get my point. I want to dress for me. I want to listen to the music that makes me happy not because its cool or because I want to be one of those music elitest snobs who thinks every known band is just a rip off of some not-so-known band. If I want to listen to New Kids On The Block I will. And I want to practice Wicca for me-not to freak out conservatives, or impress punk ass kids, or even to increase my ability to see spirits. I read The Circle Within by Dianne Sylvan recently. I was impressed with her style of writing as well as her message. It was just the thing to get me motivated to do what I've been too lazy to do. I'm planning a dedication this Winter Solstice and hopefully in a year after lots of study and practice, I can initiate myself into Wicca. I want to really know it and live it. I want to be able to easily defend it without throwing it in peoples faces. It won't be the only thing in my life but its one of the things I want to have pride in.
I need to vent
[Nov. 15th, 200504:14 pm]
So I vented but then I deleted it all. Do I feel better? No. Venting solves nothing when the right person won't hear it or read it.
yes, i'm a horrible journaler
[Oct. 21st, 200510:01 am]
We went to Yellowstone at the end of September. Not too many tourists. It was really kind of amazing. I was almost expecting the whole typical tourist thing but its actually not a good touristy place. I'm used to the Black Hills where its okay to shoot cyotes on farmland, deer in your yard, and mountain lions just because they are there. But there is such respect for wildlife and and the land in Yellowstone. Granted part of that is becuase if you step off the trail in the wrong place you become human soup-but still they are trying to keep the place as natural and wild as possible. Lots of raw positive energy surronding the place. Homeschooling is going well. We have a nice little groove. Sometimes I wonder if I'm doing enough but then I notice other kids and can see she is still ahead of them acedemically. And she is a natural social butterfly so no impediments there. Its great to have the opportunity(and the mindset) that anything can be a learning experience. Instead of just dragging her along to run errands or go to doctor appointments she actually is a part of my life and learns about life through experience.I have a lot of soapbox topics I've ranted about in my head over the past couple of months but I won't bother writing them here now. Maybe later.
happiness is...
[Aug. 1st, 200501:04 pm]
I've come to realize how thankful I am for the many joys in my life-especially within in the last year or so...I became more emotionally stable than I had been in a long time- partially because I fully rid myself of the hurt and rejection I felt when I was with Eric and even after we seperated. I found focus and purpose in life. I've become more involved and responsible for my child's education. I finally found some wonderful friends who didn't flake out on me. I started meeting people of like mind and began realizing there is diversity in this area even if it has to be sought out. I've learned to finish drywall and do it quite well. I let my creativity come out while redecorating/renovating the house. I know that a hard days work can completely transform an ugly room into a most amazing space. I submitted to a few magazines and was finally accepted to one-a niche magazine but a respectable one in that niche. I became mobil which has allowed my the independance to explore my areas of interest and to keep in contact with friends. I discovered some publications that are teaching me a great deal about politics, feminism, wicca, healthy lifestyle, and other interests. I feel I can confidently say I'm a good cook-I enjoy cooking and using healthy tasty ingredients in my dishes. I can finally say that I can grow a big ol' tomato plant-although mother nature is doing most the work. I taught myself to knit a scarf. I fininshed embroidering adeline's curtains and think they are as lovely as anything Martha Stewart can come up with. I got my hideous tattoo covered with a purdy fairy and now feel much more comfortable in a tank top. I developed a taste to coffee and I found a beer that I like-its German. And finally-I have a nightstand.So thanks foremost to Josh for providing me the opportunity to live a happy fullfilling life-and for being a wonderful partner to share it with. Thanks especially to Adeline for making motherhood the most blessed event. Thanks to my mom for instilling a love of SciFi becasue Stargate in really getting awesome and awesome entertainment also makes me smile. Thanks to my old friends and to my new-without them I'd personify everything from my pencil to the blender just to have someone to talk to.
[Jun. 12th, 200508:19 pm]
Nothing super fantastic has happenend recently in my own little world. And nothing in the big wide world I feel like commenting on. I have some thoughts formulating on fat and societies view of beauty-or more specifically the frat boys view of beauty. Yes I'm stereo-typing when I say "frat boy". I really appreciate the pockets of creative and open-minded people I've found around here but still I feel there is not a strong enough sense of community. I want to feel at home. I have such difficulty taking those first few steps to make friends. When I do, I feel I either give off those desperate-to-be-liked vibes or I am closed off. And its not that I'm desperate to be liked because I like who I am. It's more that I want to find people who are even willing to form friendships. I think maybe I and the pockets of people I've found have been used to living in an environment where we have to protect ourselves from the ones who look down on us just for being who we are. We're used to not letting people in because in part we don't expect there to be others like us. For example it took several months of picking our kids up from preschool for Erika and I to actually talk and it only took one conversation to know we liked each other.Of course I don't want people exactly like me. I just want community with people who can learn from and respect each other. I don't want to complain too much, I think it is slowly starting to happen. Not on a large scale-I'm just finding some of those pockets and assimilating myself into them. I think that's the main reason I like bigger cities. I can find neighborhoods where it feels comfortable to just be in them-I don't have to be noticed and I don't feel like an outsider. Hmm, this is spawning way to many avenues of thought for me to explore. Avenues I need to follow before I can write about it further.
renewal
[Apr. 21st, 200512:23 pm]
With the Spring comes renewal. I've been renewing all over the place. We've started a Feng Shui makover on the house and yard. Instinctually we'd already made most of it attractive to positive energy. But already we can feel and see the affects of a little re-arranging.I had physically cleaned and smudged(using sage incense and Reiki) the main floor of the house on the equinox but soon after that we had a little break in. Two little poop-heads in the neighborhood, playmates of adeline even, broke into our house while we were away. The stealing of our quarters wasn't so bad but the going through ALL our drawers and being in our personal space was very violating. They even went through my portable alter/ceremony box. So before I could even cleanse the house I had to cleanse my ceremony stuff. The Feng Shui has made a differnce with that too. Already I feel more protected and the negative cloud that was hanging over our house has lifted.I've been feeling the need to connect again with people I haven't talked to in a while. Usually when I get that way it is because I'm feeling trapped and alone. But this time I'm moving forward. I've been meeting new friends and connecting with people locally. I guess the new friendships remind me to not forget the old ones. I love my friends. They add so much to my life and have taught me so much about myself and how they see the world. I appreciate especially you Karrie, Blosser, Darshan, Sheli, Mike, and Tim. Even if we go for months without writing there is always a piece of you that is a piece of me.
what's so special about today?
[Apr. 11th, 200509:46 am]
Okay so the best April 11th I've ever had was so totally not focused on me but at the same time it was so much about who I am. I didn't get any presents that I remember or attend any parties. No national or global event worth remembering took place. But I can always use that date of that year(1997)to remember the part of me I often keep restrained. Even though I've shared the memory with others I keep the feeling and detatils like a treasure locked inside to remind myself that at any moment, for no drastic reason, I have the ability to put day-to-day life on hold and make an adventure. To travel just to travel. With little money,a not-so-reliable vehicle, blankets and a tent, and of course a companion. Karrie understands, she shared the day with me. It wasn't the first adventure we shared, or the last. It wasn't even the most significant. It was probably the only one that was just the two of us and of course my birthday happened to fall on that particular outing but even that didn't make it any more special. But it does give me a reference to compare all my other adventures to. And it gives me a reason to let that part of myself live and occasionally let it roam. I don't want my best birthday to be at such a young age and I don't want to look back on my life and think "those were the days". Hopefully one of my adventures will fall again on my birthday so that that memory won't have it's own pedastal but until then I keep it up there to remind me to leave the house a mess, pack a bag, and just go.
reddened skin
[Apr. 7th, 200506:27 pm]
Warm sunny days are upon us. Adeline and I already got the years first sunburns. And of course Josh gave me a spanking for not remembering to use sunblock. April is birthday month. A time to kinda mourn youth and the wasted hours being depressed, bored, and lazy. At least I'm getting published before thirty. Like I wrote Blosser, whose birthday is also this month, lets party like it's 1982. We were 6, our lives were yet to be lived, and getting up in the morning for a half day of kindergarten was such a big deal. The Salem Park premiere is tomorrow night. We're excited to dress up and go support our friends contribution to the film-and to see the film itself.Every day grows closer to the time Adeline leaves me for two months and every day I get a little more anxious at her leaving.
Spring Equinox
[Mar. 21st, 200501:59 pm]
Winter stood me up again. But that's okay I have a new love to wait for. Spring. It's officially here. Of course winter is jealous and threatening to return. Right now it's only teasing me with cold rain and a few flurries.I did some spring cleaning. Swept out the negative energy and invited the positive in and protected the house with Reiki. I had planned to dye eggs with adeline using natural ingredients-onion skins, beet juice, tea, ginger, etc. But I was feeling ill so I've put it off til we can really enjoy it.
waiting
[Mar. 18th, 200502:15 pm]
I feel like I'm waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. For winter to show up and bring its overnight bag-I'm sick of these one night stands. For spring which is technically supposed to blossom this sunday. For my new addiction to absorb into my blood and brain and give me the energy to follow through to the end on one of my projects. Waiting to be pretty enough or smart enough or confidant enough to grab life by the tits and squeeze. This time of year is purgatory.
the year of the rooster
[Feb. 25th, 200501:01 pm]
As with any holiday big or small Deadwood plans to celebrate in a big way. At least I can use this one as a learning experience for adeline. If I were a proper drama queen I'd have an outfit for all these celebrations. Actually I found a lovely dress and slippers in The Pyramid Collection catalog that would be perfect for The Chinese New Year.I got the Houchin family reunion invite today. I'm looking forward to it but I'm also dreading it. I don't know how I'll react to my abusive uncle who has never owned up to his disgusting ways, my cousins who now think I'm heathen or something, and my father who has never seen my six year old daughter. I don't know what to expect but I'm going to make an appearance if only to face my "demons".
Unitarian Universalist Faith
[Jan. 27th, 200505:05 pm]
Here I will describe to the best of my ability what I believe as Unitarian Universalist. For an expert view on the subject I read(and you can too) "A Chosen Faith" by J.Buehrens and F.Church.*UUs refer to the wisdoms of the worlds religions, including but not limited to Judaism and Christianity, and the worlds philosophies, such as Buddhism. We take what is good and true from religion/philosophy and apply it to our lives. The universal truth of most religions is some form of the belief that we should live our lives without causing physical, mental, spiritual, or emotional harm to others.*UUs believe in equality of every human no matter what race, gender, sexual preference, religion, age, marital status, height, disability, personalitly, astrological sign, weight, etc.*UUs strive to make the earth healthy.*UUs believe in religious experience-those transcending experiences that can't be explained away and that alter our drive, personality, and sense of awareness for the better.*UUs don't imagine God to be a man in flowing white robes, who sits in a giant castle with pearly gates, who orders about the angels and the humans. UUs define God for themselves but most agree that God is a presence greater than humans and at the same time within each of us. UUs give God many names and accept that others may have a different name for the same presence they are in awe of. Some say "Allah", some say "Goddess", Some say "Great Spirit", I say "Divine Presence" and sometimes "Love" or for simplicity sake just "God".*Many UUs follow spiritual teachings of Earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature. I am one of those UUs. I do not call myself pagan or witch or wiccan but I am devoted to the wiccan way and I do celebrate the natural holidays(called Sabbats). But I also acknowledge and celebrate the christian holidays and commercial holidays and would like to learn more about and celebrate other holidays such as Day of the Dead or Yom Kippur.*UUs heed the guidance of reason and the results of science. *UUs believe that religion is personal but also acknowledge the importance of community. Though each UU has a seperate and deeply personal religous path we accept each other and provide support.*Many UUs don't believe that Jesus was resurected. This is how I explain what I believe to my 6 year old. "Everyone has a spirit-a spirit is our thoughts and feelings that we can't see or touch. Our bodies are the things our spirit lives in. Our bodies get sick and old and eventually die. God is that feeling in us that makes us want to treat each others nice and love everyone. Jesus had a lot of that feeling, probably more than most. His body died. But maybe because he had so much of that good feeling in him, so much God in him, his body was able to come back to life. I don't know but I believe it is possible because there are a lot of things I don't yet understand." For more info on UU visit www.uua.org
Whoo Hoo
[Jan. 26th, 200505:21 pm]
I will be published in the March issue of The Beltane Papers. The magazine is a beautifully put together publication of essays, poems, artwork, etc. by earth-centered spiritual women. My essay along with many of the essays in there are poetic and personal. It will be my first time being published and I'm proud of the essay as well as the place it will first appear to the public.Being published has given me a great sense of accomplishment and a drive to continue writing and submitting.
[Jan. 22nd, 200502:21 pm]
Finally attended the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship in Rapid. It was weird being in a church type setting again. But the casual atmosphere and friendly people made it easier. There are a few pagans and no "preacher". From what I understand anyone has a chance to give the presentation. It is just nice to be around people who are open minded and willing to converse about things of substance.
As of Late
[Nov. 29th, 200411:32 am]
We decided to Homeschool full time after researching "afterschooling". Classical Education is the way to go and might as well go all the way with it. I've been researching like mad, joined a couple support groups, and have already figured out her curriculum for grade One(and some of grades 2-4). I'm really excited to get started-I think adeline will really enjoy it too. She'll get to meet lots of different people and learn things she wouldn't otherwise learn. There is even a strings instrument course specifically for homeschoolers and we could learn togegher. I've always wanted to play the cello and she could learn the violin. We could have our own little orchestra-josh could play the tringle-ooh or the symbols. I can also get her involved in Martial Arts or if she wants continue her in dance.We hosted Thanksgiving. It was pleasant. I enjoy cooking for a lot of people even when I dump a whole apple crisp out on the oven door. Our new table was even delivered in time to show it off. My aunt Jeri is a sociable person and I enjoy visiting with her.I invited April to our New Years bash. She's one of the cool dance moms. I hope she can make it-throw some new people into the mix-not that the old standbys aren't great-in fact I'm really looking forward to seeing them again! It's never too early to start planning for the New Year. I'm thinking a mod 60's theme this year-with chex mix, martinnis, and little cocktail weenies.
What's new with me
[Nov. 13th, 200412:46 pm]
The house looks really good-like a home-comfy and cozy. It's almost worthy to entertain in-not that the squatter look before stopped us from having company.I've been researching classical education so that I can "afterschool" adeline. I don't want her to be just another idiot kid produced by the public school system-unable to think analytically and come to the logical conclusion. A classical education will give her the mental resources she needs to explore her world to the fullest instead of learning only a limited view point. Plus it will get my own noggin working again-I'll be able to reschool myself. Been moody lately and sensitive-not just the p.m.s.ey kind of moody either. Part of it is I haven't gotten away from home for awhile. I always feel good after adelines dance class because there I have cool people to talk to. I ordered a bunch of books too that will keep my mind busy.I think I've found a religious organization I can fully respect. I'll have to research it more and attend a couple services before I know for sure. It's Unitarian Universalism-It's jewish/christian based but it accepts and integrates other religions and philosophies. It recognizes the Bible as an important book historically, theologically, and morally but doesn't use it as its only guideline nor think it's infallible. God is not seen as the big man in the flowing white robes untouchable and unattainable-but rather as a divine, non-gendered, presence above and a part of each of us. It allows me to incorporate the earth based celebrations(and the wiccan rede), buddhist philosophies, feminist ideals, and desire for equal rights for all humans into it-all things that every other christian church is so fond of damning.Told my mom about my abusive uncle. Shocked her. I'll have to talk to her again to see how she's processed it. I told her that the primary people he abused have forgiven him but that I have no desire to do the same. Mine is not an anti-christian perspective like they want me to believe. Wether you're christian or wiccan or buddhist there are consequences to actions-some call it kharma. See the thing about forgiveness without consequenes is that it allows the abuser to keep on abusing. He's never asked for my forgiveness. They don't want me to confront him because it would cause strain in their family dynamic-and because he'd know they've talked about it with me. He still has the control over that memory because he was never made to confront the trauma he caused me. Some may be able to forgive without being asked but without that confrontation, acknowledgement of his wrong doing, and closure he still holds the power and power is the ultimate basis of the abuse.My hands are cold I gotta quit typing now.
the last month or so
[Sep. 1st, 200408:56 am]
Adeline is home. It is so great to have her back. It took awhile to get used to the noise that constantly comes from her mouth and the continual energy-at the same time it's a welcome string of chatter and bouncing about. She started her first day of Kindergarden today! I was pretty excited to see all the kids in her class weren't white- and all the white ones aren't from white trash(not that there is anything wrong with white trash, it's just not the lifestyle I choose for myself anymore-and I only have a problem with it when it breeds discrimination and ingnorance). GO divirsity-whoo hoo!Going to Louisville was interesting. It was cool to be back in a familar big city-but there were too many memories with someone I don't like. It was strange going to the same places with someone I love that I went to with someone I don't want to think about.Don't have much left with the house. Josh and his dad drywalled. I mudded adelines room and am working on the dining and living rooms. Josh and I skim coated and painted adelines room, he refinished her floors and we moved her furniture in-we still have some to do but her room is livable. It's so girly but classic none of the Disney princess crap. She likes it.I'm looking forward to getting back into some sort of schedule. With adeline going to school that should come fairly easy. I want to get the house done so I can start working and help pay off some debts. Then maybe we can travel. We hung out with friends from Seatle and it made me really miss having that kind interaction with open minded people my age. I was pleasantly suprised by how well we all got on-I didn't know any of them that well and only one of them I was once close to. It was the first time Josh has ever hung out with people(besides family)who were in my life before he was. It was great to be with people who accepted us as a package and that we accepted equally as much. Josh and I aren't completly different but if you judged us by our friends from our past you'd think we gravitated toward seperate kinds of people. I guess what I'm saying is that I was able to see(through our interaction with the seatle people and even with his cousin's when they came out for the rally) that we do want the same thing when it comes to friendship with others. Those kind of friendships are something we thrive on but haven't had much opporunity to experience together. I hope to join a women's spirituality group(not a coven) starting this Fall Equinox. We're celebrating Mabon together and we'll see, if I feel comfortable with it I'd like to continue meeting with them. Potentially the group will give me some of the interaction I'm craving.I'm looking forward to fall-all the old dies and the new has a chance to regenerate and come back better than before...I've dealt with a lot of internal issues this past year and I worked to renew my physical self and environment. With a new cycle looming I'm expecting a better more balanced me to emerge.
This Week
[Jul. 20th, 200401:42 pm]
Now I'm reading Sefer Yetzirah: The Book of Creation. It's "the oldest and most mysterious of the kabbalistic texts". Also reading a book about Kabbalah. They're both difficult to read but have been spiritually rewarding. It is definetly part of my spirtual journey. I remember as a kid loving the Jewish aspects/orgins of Christianity-the songs the traditions- and as I got older the ancient hebrew texts that became the Old Testament. I love that all that is catching up to me in my studies and beliefs about God.Josh's bro and dad started insulating the house, Josh is almost done rewiring, and I've started refinishing adeline's furniture.Bought some cute lil baby clothes for a new member of the family. Told Josh I wanted a baby just so we could buy more tiny outfits. Sometimes I really want a baby but I just don't know if it would be a good thing to bring another life into an overcrowded and hateful world.I've established a good communication with an editor of a mag that I'd like to get published to. She even gave me good advice on a revision. And another editor of another mag told me that my essay was great and should be published(just not in that magazine issue). I feel really encouraged and more motivated. Even if it was rejected I got positive feedback and that's what is important.Ma is here for lunch-gotta go.
God Code
[Jul. 15th, 200411:27 am]
I finished The God Code by Gregg Braden. The theory of a code within our DNA linking us to the number value of the Hebrew(and aramaic) word for God is fascinating but the science of it is a little tricky to follow. The theory is easily acceptable given my belief that God is within everyone and all of creation. What I liked about the book were the references to other ancient and religous texts. It definetly made me want to study those texts to understand a braoder perspective of Creation and the Creator. God is not limited to the Christian definition. On Amazon I found something that makes me go "hmmm". There is a review of The God Code from Johnny Depp from France. There wasn't much praise in any of the reviews but I think what people are failing to see is that it is only a beginner book. It gives one a platform for more serious study of God and Creation, a motivation sort of. I think it would be an eye opening book for all those who go to christian church(or any church) and accept only that religous institutions idea of who God is and where God exists.
Lately
[Jul. 9th, 200409:55 am]
I've been reading _The God Code_ by Gregg Braden. So far it's put into a readable format a lot of the beliefs I've had and have been trying to express about God.Got myself a scooter. A curvacious little thing. I'm still a litle chicken to take it in heavy traffic.Feels like we're at a standstill with the house. Only because it's in the re-wiring/electric phase and I can't really help with that. Soon it's onto insulation and drywall though so I can get back into it.Been writing(and reading) more. Almost finished revising and adding onto something I want to send into a couple mags.Wrote a letter to my ex-husband(which I alluded to in the previous entry). Was able to release a lot of the repressed anger and hurt I had and to regain the pieces of my soul I left in the past. I haven't been depressed since doing so-I guess I just needed to break away from the cycle-a cycle that he's still in but it doesn't affect me anymore.Had lunch with ma the other day. Good time/good conversation. Let her read the letter to eric which explained a lot of why we split up and how it had to do with his making me feel worthless-stuff I never talked to her about before.Decided to learn more about herbs and hebrew(unrelated subjects). It's funny how the interests of my past are resurfacing but now I feel ready for them.Lately I've been happy.
the cycle is broken
[Jul. 6th, 200406:49 pm]
I'm so over it. Eric doesn't want to be my friend so this time I'm making it official. I'm tired of letting him into my life-tired of allowing myself to be friends with him only to be completely rejected soon after as if I were worthless. It's a cycle that's been going on since we were married. It's caused me extreme mental and emotional distress but now I'm done. No longer will I encourage adeline to draw him pictures, no longer will I send him photos of the moments he's absent from her life, no longer will I speak to him or give him a smile when I see him in person. And I'll stop saying he is a good father who has his daughters well being in mind when he makes life choices-that's because he's getting back together with his second wife. The woman who made adeline feel worthless with her neglect, jealousy, and emotional abuse. It is his choice to not be friendly and to not communicate about issues that affect our daughter. We may not have had a legal document but we had a verbal understanding that he is in breech of. So I've made the only choice that I'm left with-and as much as I'd like to, I will not be so friendly about it.
everybody's free to feel good
[May. 23rd, 200409:44 pm]
Okay screw the depression. I have to get focused and work my ass off(literally). And get the ol' gears in my noggin running and get some stuff written. Seriously, f**k the lonesomeness, the feelings of no control, and all the continual reasons for my sadness.
postpartum depression
[May. 18th, 200404:00 am]
I awoke in the night thinking I heard the crys of adeline. But of course I didn't. She's in Indiana with her Papa for the summer. The night is silent. I am alone.Being alone was never a problem til now. My life is so entwined with hers. Oh sure I still have my own interests and goals but the emptiness I feel knowing she's gone for so long is heavy and unrelenting.Yes, there are pros;she will gain a different perspective and I will have the time to write and renovate the house. The problem for me is pushing the emptiness far enough back and replacing it with motivation.
I heart cats
[Apr. 22nd, 200410:17 am]
I like my cat. Not to be confused with the xxx version "I heart kitties". Now I'm not one of those crazed cat people with the cat shaped coffee mug cozy, figurines lining my shelves, pretty little stationary with sunny sweet cats on them(well i guess my stationary is "hello kitty" hmmm). Anyway, Prudence is like a dog in many ways and I finally see where the expression of "curious cats" comes from. Although curious isn't the right word for it. Everynight when I'm getting ready for bed, brushing my teeth, drinking water, taking allergy medicine, she sits on the lid of the loo and watches every move and has to sniff every item I pick up-if she doesn't get to sniff it she meows and looks all puppy eyed. If I'm preparing food she begs to be brought up to counter level to watch what I'm doing-maybe she was a chef in a former life. And she follows me around the house(but so does adeline). Whichever room I'm working in, Prudence gets cozy and takes a nap. And she's like an annoying little sister to adeline. She'll chase and attack when adeline walks by. When adeline lays on the floor to draw a picture, Prudence will walk over and sit on the paper and sometimes bat the pencil. So anyway I may be an animal lover but I never thought I'd devote a whole entry to a pet. She's cool and that's all I have to say about that... I promise.
owoooch.
[Apr. 13th, 200404:13 pm]
I've been lazy. bad bad bad. Bad for the brain. Maybe that explains my powerful headaches of late.Got attuned to Reiki II. Added Firefly to my list of all time favorite forms of entertainment-it's genius writing. I mean I look at similar genres-the most close likeness being Star Wars. Well Star Wars has nothing on the plot, the dialogue, the pure scope of the entire thought behind Firelfly-plus Firefly doesn't have all the hokey aliens-you know just because its in space doesn't mean there has to be aliens involved. Not that I'm prejudice against other life forms-especially changling spies. Its warm. Flip flops have invaded my shoe floor space. Time to paint the toenails pink.
rainy day women
[Mar. 17th, 200403:22 pm]
Today it rained. An on-the-eve-of spring rain. Ostara(the spring/vernal equinox) is near-march 20th this year. Adeline and I walked downtown to watch the St.Patty's day parade-we got a hot chocolate-caught some candy and beer tokens-and let the rain soak our hair and eyelashes. My favorite thing about the parade were the two guys in kilts meandering behind the bagpipers drinking their beers. Then we walked home and stopped at an antique store along the way. I bought a pink chicken candy dish. The fog in the mountain tops reminded adeline of Snow White for some reason. The hedges had tiny buds. Tonight we'll sleep smelling the awakening earth and be awoken by the chatter of a thousand and one birds outside our window.
[Mar. 7th, 200410:43 am]
FREE MARTHA
silent snow secret snow
[Mar. 5th, 200405:06 pm]
Been a bit lonely lately. There's a serious lack of culture and diversity in these here parts. But I'm dealing-trying to focus the energy I'd otherwise be using on friends into other projects. The full moon is tomorrow. It should be really amazing reflecting off all the snow we've had. Perfect for magick.I'm working on another childrens book-I think I'll actually get this one finished. (you know with all the extra focus and all)Actually the solitude has been good for my personal reflection and I think I can get some things written that I've been avoiding.praise cheeses :)
the infallible word of god
[Feb. 29th, 200412:30 pm]
I've been reading a bit about Mel's Passion-not that I care about the hollywood hype-and giving lots of thought to christianity and its basis, the Bible. Newsweeks Jon Meacham article was a very unbiased historical look at the Movies accuracy by looking at the Bible's accuracy. He wrote things (almost exactly to the word) that I've been saying about the Bible for a few years-about how the Bible is written by men and there are historical, social, and translational inaccuracies. This was something I learned at a christian school while preparing for the ministry. Yet it is something that so many lay christians don't take for truth. They claim it is infallible. And this is my thought:What if it is? What if God is this male like figure sitting in heaven who was lonely and wanted something to love so he created the earth and a man and some animals and then he gave the man a woman so the man could breed with her. And what if we as humans really are supposed to be ingnorant. What if all our problems really did start when eve ate the fruit from the tree of knowledge and suddenly knew things she wasn't supposed to know and then it caused her to wonder and question and realize, hey I'm naked and adam shouldn't see me naked unless he wants to make a baby with me.And WHAT IF the Bible is so infalible that women really aren't equal and do belong to men, and men can have slaves, and gay men can be cast out of society, and children are property and do take on the sins of thier parents. What if despite all the historical and scientific studies that kind of God does exist and does ultimately reign and is able to send some souls to a hell if they didn't in life accept Jesus and become a christian even if those damned souls lived a life of kindness and love. WHAT IF. I can't deny its a possibility. But I can say that I don't want to live that kind of life. I don't want to be the weaker sex. I don't want my voice(my views) hushed because I'm a woman. I don't want to hate(or feel pity for)other religions and lifesyles. I don't want to stop questioning. I don't want to think of my child as property(espeacially because she'd be the property of her father). I don't want my body used by my husband(if I had one) for procreation when HE decided it was appropriate-or used by my husband for whatever purpose he decided.To claim the Bible as infallible is to claim all those things plus some I didn't mention. I can't do that. I can't live a life of ingnorance and under the domination of man and I won't raise my daughter that way. If that means I lose the respect and friendship from members of my family or peers than I say goodbye to you who want me to be like you.
the longest month
[Feb. 11th, 200406:03 pm]
February drags on and on and on...well maybe not as bad as January. We celebrated Josh's birthday a couple of weekends(or was it one weekend? see it drags)ago. Red Rock River Resort in Hot Springs. The massages were great except for the noisy bitties in the adjoing TRANQUILITY room jabbering on about nothing. And the rooms were like a guest room rather than a hotel room. The Blue Vervain is overall the best dining experience in the Black Hills-and I finally had a reason to get all gussied up in fifties cocktail attire-not that the Blue Vervain is a fifties joint, I just like having a bit of a theme when I dress formal. Been getting that mental stimulation I've been craving lately in the form of defending my spirituality and putting into words my thoughts on control issues-yes I'm vague, all anyone needs to know is I've been able to use my noggin' lately for more than planning meals for a week. Of course its my own fault I've been complacent in the self education area-I do hate having to argue my reasons for things especially when I could be putting my energies into other things.Been a little lonely. Can't get out much during the winter. But nice days are coming and I hope to do some volunteer work. Adeline registers for Kindergarten already. I'd like to take some classes this fall but I'll have to work part time instead. I guess either way I'll be exposed to some new personalities and hopefully interesting perspectives on life. Hopefully it'll give me some new material to start writing more. Yeah, words.
start the year with a bang:)
[Jan. 7th, 200402:11 pm]
The New Year celebration was...a bang of sparkles, a crowd of crazy people, dizzy heads, a balmy 17 degrees, updoes and thick makeup, black boots and western shirts.A little bit country a little bit rock and roll.Friends and family sharing a turducken, a house, and some laughs.today i'm working on another essay and trying to breathe through all the phlegm in my head
Where did Christmas go?
[Dec. 26th, 200302:02 pm]
The Holidays. I spent Christmas shivering under layers of blankets, feeling as if Prudence had shoved her kitten paws down my throat and ripped it to pieces while a herd of reindeer trampled every muscle in my body. If it weren't for "It's a Wonderful Life" playing on TV I'd never have known it was Christmas. I didn't even go to the family farm for Christmas eve-the first I've ever missed.
winter celebration
[Dec. 18th, 200305:49 pm]
Yule is nearly here, as is Christmas. We're celebrating both. Josh's family(ma,pa, 2 bros, and a sis) will be here this weekend. Dick Burns is playing in Deadwood so we'll spend considerable time there. They're my favorite local band, then the jazz band Swing Shift followed by the girl led band Dustin Roxx(not sure on the spelling there). Christmas eve we'll go, as tradition demands, to my uncle Bob's/gramms farm for food, presents, and games. Happy Happy Joy Joy. Actually Christmas Eve is one family function where I actually feel like part of the family. But the real celebration is New Years Eve. Again with Josh's bros and cousins and cousins wives and friends and whoever else shows up. It's a party. It's also mine and Josh's anniversary. Anniversary to what you ask...Hmmmm.
yule trees and christmas jerks
[Dec. 5th, 200304:22 pm]
We got our yule tree yesterday. Another 9ft. fat juniper tree like last year. Since I believe in Jesus too we celebrate both yule and christmas. It's fun being able to explain to adeline the differences between yule and christmas and how decorated trees, red and green, etc have nothing to do with christmas. She totally gets it-she even made the association of easter bunnies not having anything to do with jesus on easter. If only other people understood that and how other pagan sabbats were incorporated into christian holidays.I do hate going to stores this time of year though. I hated working in sales even more. People are so evil this time of year and materialistic. Presents are great and all but the extremes some people go to please with gifts. I hate being asked to make a list of what I want. If a person doesn't know me enough to know what I'd like or creative enough to come up with something unique than I don't want anything from them. Christmas isn't about what I want it's about giving because it feels good to give and being with people you care about. People make it too big of a chore. Then they get stressed and make everyone around them miserable and well the holidays end up sucking. I'm much less cynical this year not having to deal with customers. Maybe the magic of it all will return.that's my soapbox of the day
[Dec. 3rd, 200306:19 pm]
Lounging around listening to jazz and wishing I were in my pj's. Adeline is playing with the new cat-Prudence. Its my first cat in a long time. Last time I planned on getting a cat I got pregnant instead. My hands burn. Not ouch burn. Like when you hold a hot cup of tea for too long and your skin feels numb, a little painful but tolerable. They burn because I was attuned to Reiki. If you don't know what it is look it up-its all about energy. When I was reading Celestine Prophecy and getting excited about being able to see energy-that's nothing compared to being able to channel energy through my palms. And I can see that too on occasion, especially when Josh and I play with the energy together. It's cool that with his scientific mind he actually is so open to "alternative" ways of thinking and doing. It's more than amazing having a partner who is right there with me, understanding all the spiritual crazy talk and willing to explore that aspect with me.
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