One of my favorite segments I found about improving a relationship with your kids:
"There is nothing wrong with wanting to be your child's friend. Do what it takes to earn their friendship - be supportive and kind and honest and trustworthy and caring and generous and loyal and fun and interesting and interested in them ...and all the other things that good friends are to each other. Be the best 40 year old friend you can be (or whatever age you are). People use "I'm the parent, not a friend," as an excuse to be mean, selfish, and lazy. Instead, be the adult in the friendship. Be mature.You've BEEN a five-year-old and your child has not been a forty-year-old, so you have an advantage in terms of long-term and wider perspective. Use that advantage to be an even better friend. You know how to be kinder and less self-centered and you know how beneficial it is to put forth the effort."
"ALL THE THINGS THAT GOOD FRIENDS ARE TO EACH OTHER" That is profound. Whenever I catch myself feeling the need to say something catty to my kids I try to remember that we parents have the opportunity to be our kids' first really great friend. A friend who trusts, respects, and is honest yet compassionate.
ZoraJane experienced her first truly great loss. She was emotionally attached to a blue balloon. She took it outside and away it went. To me it was just a balloon: unworthy of my love and easily replaceable. At first I wanted to shrug my shoulders and blow it off-tell her that that's what happens when you don't hold onto your balloon. But I am 30 something. She is two and a half and her pain was very real and very deep. I reminded myself how I want to be treated by a loved one when I am grief stricken. I held her as she sobbed, listened to her and validated her sadness, "I know, your balloon went bye bye, and it makes you sad.". And only when she was done crying would I tell her she could play with her sisters balloon, or that we could buy more balloons and this time keep the weight on it, or direct her to other toys. Throughout the evening, between her times of calmness and play she'd remember the agony of losing her balloon. She'd break down in tears. I let her go through the mourning process with compassion. Sure I was getting tired, I wanted her to realize that the balloon wasn't coming back and there was nothing anyone could do about it. I wanted her to be over it. Yet I also felt her sadness too. I listened to her heart instead of my nagging inner voice. I let her feel.
Some parents want to distract their kids to stop the crying. That seems a little more compassionate then my response. But its still stopping them from letting the pain dissolve. I don't want my kids to learn that their pain should be stopped with shiny new things or a dulling high. I don't want to fix all their problems. In fact, I want them to learn to come up with their own solutions. Though, as with any good friendship I want to provide them with possible solutions that they can choose for themselves whether or not to implement. I want to help them see other perspectives yet follow their own inner guide to do what they feel is right. And I certainly don't want to shut them up because its inconvenient to me or I'm sick of hearing their wails.
Or a parent may want them to be tough, take it like a man, or to cowboy-up...this is more along the lines of my initial reaction to my child's hurts. Those parents are going to have to live with a kid who buries the negative feelings. Feelings that will probably resurface in another form sooner or later. Or they have to deal with their kids not trusting them when they get into a tough situation. I can't stand the thought of my kids feeling like they have to suffer alone. Or worse that they shouldn't experience pain at all. Pain is part of the human experience but its also a spiritual one as well. It helps us relate to and feel compassion for fellow humans, it makes us appreciate the good times, and it often opens our eyes and leads to new paths and new friendships. Being able to cry releases the pain and helps us move on and a parent who lets their kid cry will build trust.
And why is it that my first response is one of meanness? What happened in my own development? Where along the line did I loose my freedom to express my emotions without shame? I'm pretty sure my mom didn't give me mean reactions to my suffering? I'm not sure I need to know but I am pretty sure I need to shut that nagging voice the hell up so that I can react in a way that allows my kids to trust me and trust themselves.
I can see how my relationship with my oldest is changing too. I've always been open arms when she is sad. And as a child she's had her physical and emotional hurts. But only recently have I let her experience anger, frustration, and angst without shaming her or telling her to get over it-Or just as bad, trying to impart some great wisdom that took me years to learn-like "only you can choose to stay in that negative place" or "why don't you think of some positives about that situation". Instead I've been practicing validating her as well. As a little kid the adults in her life would often control or manipulate her to get a behavior out of her that was more to their liking-myself included. She hasn't had the same freedoms to express herself that I've learned to give the babies from an earlier age. Adeline has spent many of her kid years being reprimanded and being shamed into being nice and respectful. Or made to feel inadequate in her ability to learn things on her own. Or stupid for not learning the things at the same time and in the same manner as schooled kids. Basically she's spent a lot of time feeling like she's not had any control or freedom.
I've been learning to let her find her power. And she's getting it back. This doesn't mean she's always nice or in a good mood. It means she feels like she has the freedom to truly feel what she is truly feeling and to express it without being made to feel bad. Instead of telling her to be nice I tell her kindly if she hurts my feelings and I practice being nice to her and other people. I am encouraging her to make more decisions but talk to her about what I need from her as a member of this family. I'm being more active in helping her find the answers to her questions. I'm just listening when she needs to vent about something-sometimes I offer suggestions for possible solutions, but only when she is in the mood to converse rather than just too vent. And I'm trying to provide her more opportunities to explore her interests-without judgment or expectations. And I'm trying to learn from her too- to actually listen , ask questions, and understand when she tells me about her interests. I'm modeling a desire to learn instead of telling her she needs to learn. And I am learning: About her, about myself, and about all sorts of things I wouldn't otherwise be interested in.
I want to provide my kids an environment where they can express themselves. Where they can let the feelings move freely through them instead of getting stuck only to resurface later-possible in another form like anger or bitterness that their mother was not compassionate. And I want to provide a home where my kids respect others. This starts with me giving them respect and actively giving others respect. I know its possible and I know it starts with me.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Friday, September 10, 2010
Humans Being: A Year in Review
So yes, this has been a new kind of year. A challenging year. But a year worth celebrating.
We are human's being. We're flawed, we're ambitious, we're silly, we're learning, we're transforming our spirits, we're evolving into better versions of ourselves. I love being part of a family. We get to learn from each other and for each other. I love discovering myself.
We've only changed our minds about where we want to live about a thousand and a half times. But we did finally take that first step in listing it. Still unsure of what we'll do and where we'll go after the house sells but until there is an offer on the table I'm trying not to get too attached to any one idea. We did have a showing the other day and some interest but haven't heard much since. As much as we like the idea of living East River on a small farm we don't like the humidity and mosquitoes(and I'm not thrilled about the isolation). Plus it just doesn't feel right. What we do keep coming back around to is living in a mid-century or 70's style mod house in Rapid City with a big lot and some trees. And traveling-traveling is always in our minds-but not full time. At least the house is staying fairly clean-just in case we need to show it. Though I am needing to bring a few things out of storage here and there-I was really hoping to keep the winter stuff in storage til we moved...there is still that possibility (fingers and toes and eyes crossed).
Adeline is coming more into herself. I didn't allow her as much freedoms as a small child. I was like many parents who felt like they had to correct a lot of behaviors that are really just a part of a child's natural adventuresome spirit, expression, learning process, and curiosity. I controlled her more. Now I'm learning to let her be and she's learning to be herself. I've re-evaluated my goals for her. My goal is to have a kick-ass relationship with her. My goal for myself is to provide her an environment where she can explore her curiosities and develop some friendships. As far as her education goes-I don't want to teach her anything except how to teach herself anything. That still requires a lot of work on my part and I'm still learning how to be a facilitator .
She was in theater workshop and enjoyed it so immensely. She's very interested in drama and music. She get to explore that in Indiana too since her step-mom is passionate about it as well . Adeline is going to spend 5 weeks there so that she can be in the Xmas play. She is going start working with a voice-coach and piano teacher.
ZoraJane is a talker: not that most people know her language, but she is very good at communicating. She has her own words and sets of sign language.
Cat/Prudence=neom neom, dog=(panting like a dog), cow=mmm, bird=tweet tweet (and motion flying), butterfly=(flapping and prancing around), poop=book, mama=mommy (I don't call myself mommy, nor does anyone else but that's what she calls me so I'm okay with it), potty=botty, me/my/I=me, Adeline=Ai, sleeping/night night=nap, booby=B, park/slide/swing=wee, juice=juke, Dora=doa doa (or lately) dody,
These are interpretations she insists upon. I don't force-correct her but I do repeat back what she says to me using standard American English terms. She's not much for taking her time and observing. She's a go getter and that means she's not always interested in watching humans form words-that's my theory anyway for her uninterest in learning our words.
Viv is a detail person. She's been mimicking basic sounds for several months.She points her finger at people and things til she can touch them. She plays with toys to figure them out-opening lids and putting them back on or finding buttons and pushing them. She started toddling at about 11 months and its a definite toddle with arms up in the air. But she climbs like its the most natural thing in the world. She mimics movement too. Writing, typing, playing with the computer mouse, shaking her head no, waving. The first thing I noticed in her process of putting several actions together to achieve and end result; She came over to the couch where I was and grabbed my hand. Then she pulled til I stood up and proceeded to lead me to the kitchen and over to the fridge. She put her hand on the door and pulled but looked up, knowing she couldn't open it herself. So I opened it and she tried to climb inside, again looking at me for assistance (we have one with the freezer on the bottom). So I lifted her onto the ledge and she pointed to the yogurt. ZoraJane has never been much for holding hands preferring to forge the way for herself. So Viv reaching for my fingers when she walks is a fun surprise.
Josh and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary...just kidding. I don't know what date or what year we got married. Just that it was in August sometime and before I was pregnant with ZoraJane.
I've attempted to be more pro-active about making friends. A friend and I formed a Free To Be Life Learners group. Which means I get to see said friend about once a week :) Through it I met some other friends who just happen to have a daughter who clicks so wonderfully with Adeline. Its very exciting for me to observe the way they interact. They are giggly and chatty and affectionate. And they are so respectful toward each other-they don't fight that I know of and don't make the other one feel less than human. The parents click pretty darn well with me and J too. I've also tried to get past my comfort zone and attend some other group functions. Even if nothing more happens then us getting out of the house I try to consider it worth it. Adeline and I lost friends too. Not really sure what that was about and it was really unexpected-but both Adeline and I took it pretty well, actually it hasn't really even been an issue. We talked about it a couple times but it was more of a matter of fact way of saying, well they are great people and if we run into them we'll be glad but we're not going to force a friendship if its not what they want. I don't think we really went on different paths as far as our interests, personalities, or beliefs. She just dropped out of our lives: quit calling, was always busy or sick and couldn't get together. Friends come and go and sometimes come and go again-and there are very few of my past friends that I remember with a sour feeling. I feel fortunate to have met and bonded with some really amazing people-even the friendships that last a short time have had such a profound impact on my life.
I'm moving out of all-mommy mode. I've been doing things outside the realm of baby and kid. I finished Adeline's quilt-which seems like I'm doing something for her, but its also for me, for my creativity. I've been a little stressed this past year. Learning how to give give give to 2 babies without going insane is a challenge but I'm making it through. Its so important to me to have supportive family and friends. They remind me to take a breath. They uplift my spirits.
I'm reading here and there and taking an online nutrition/cooking class. Starting to develop my diet more (and the website I created about it) Haven't been super strict about eating few-grains/low-carb/no-processed foods. I allowed myself to be that way for convenience sake but now I'd like to get back to working for a healthy body. And I'm learning that a healthy body creates a healthy mind-the correlation between food and hormones is a "well duh" concept and I'm learning more about it. I read "The Mood Cure" and am experimenting with taking supplements to restore my brain chemistry-we'll see how it works. I do notice a difference in my ability to handle stress and I've only been taking supplements a couple days. I like that the author is not insisting you take supplements all the time-only as long as you need to get your hormones balanced and let the food keep it that way. The supplements are there to heal the damage created by poor nutrition and after that just eat nutritiously to maintain a healthy body and mind.
I'm also reading more about unschooling and peaceful parenting and listening/watching some of the well-known people in the movement talk about it. Its encouraging. It reminds me what my goals are for my kids and myself. I want Adeline to watch some so that she can have a better understanding of it and feel confident in it-mostly so she can explain it a little when people ask and I'm not there to help explain it. I feel bad that she has to explain it, that she can't just live it, but that's our life. I'm also looking forward to taking her to a conference. I think it'll be awesome for her to feel like she is "normal". It'll also give her some of those experiences of getting to interact with several people at a time.
Yeah, nothing too profound here. Just the tidbits of what's going on.
We are human's being. We're flawed, we're ambitious, we're silly, we're learning, we're transforming our spirits, we're evolving into better versions of ourselves. I love being part of a family. We get to learn from each other and for each other. I love discovering myself.
We've only changed our minds about where we want to live about a thousand and a half times. But we did finally take that first step in listing it. Still unsure of what we'll do and where we'll go after the house sells but until there is an offer on the table I'm trying not to get too attached to any one idea. We did have a showing the other day and some interest but haven't heard much since. As much as we like the idea of living East River on a small farm we don't like the humidity and mosquitoes(and I'm not thrilled about the isolation). Plus it just doesn't feel right. What we do keep coming back around to is living in a mid-century or 70's style mod house in Rapid City with a big lot and some trees. And traveling-traveling is always in our minds-but not full time. At least the house is staying fairly clean-just in case we need to show it. Though I am needing to bring a few things out of storage here and there-I was really hoping to keep the winter stuff in storage til we moved...there is still that possibility (fingers and toes and eyes crossed).
Adeline is coming more into herself. I didn't allow her as much freedoms as a small child. I was like many parents who felt like they had to correct a lot of behaviors that are really just a part of a child's natural adventuresome spirit, expression, learning process, and curiosity. I controlled her more. Now I'm learning to let her be and she's learning to be herself. I've re-evaluated my goals for her. My goal is to have a kick-ass relationship with her. My goal for myself is to provide her an environment where she can explore her curiosities and develop some friendships. As far as her education goes-I don't want to teach her anything except how to teach herself anything. That still requires a lot of work on my part and I'm still learning how to be a facilitator .
She was in theater workshop and enjoyed it so immensely. She's very interested in drama and music. She get to explore that in Indiana too since her step-mom is passionate about it as well . Adeline is going to spend 5 weeks there so that she can be in the Xmas play. She is going start working with a voice-coach and piano teacher.
ZoraJane is a talker: not that most people know her language, but she is very good at communicating. She has her own words and sets of sign language.
Cat/Prudence=neom neom, dog=(panting like a dog), cow=mmm, bird=tweet tweet (and motion flying), butterfly=(flapping and prancing around), poop=book, mama=mommy (I don't call myself mommy, nor does anyone else but that's what she calls me so I'm okay with it), potty=botty, me/my/I=me, Adeline=Ai, sleeping/night night=nap, booby=B, park/slide/swing=wee, juice=juke, Dora=doa doa (or lately) dody,
These are interpretations she insists upon. I don't force-correct her but I do repeat back what she says to me using standard American English terms. She's not much for taking her time and observing. She's a go getter and that means she's not always interested in watching humans form words-that's my theory anyway for her uninterest in learning our words.
Viv is a detail person. She's been mimicking basic sounds for several months.She points her finger at people and things til she can touch them. She plays with toys to figure them out-opening lids and putting them back on or finding buttons and pushing them. She started toddling at about 11 months and its a definite toddle with arms up in the air. But she climbs like its the most natural thing in the world. She mimics movement too. Writing, typing, playing with the computer mouse, shaking her head no, waving. The first thing I noticed in her process of putting several actions together to achieve and end result; She came over to the couch where I was and grabbed my hand. Then she pulled til I stood up and proceeded to lead me to the kitchen and over to the fridge. She put her hand on the door and pulled but looked up, knowing she couldn't open it herself. So I opened it and she tried to climb inside, again looking at me for assistance (we have one with the freezer on the bottom). So I lifted her onto the ledge and she pointed to the yogurt. ZoraJane has never been much for holding hands preferring to forge the way for herself. So Viv reaching for my fingers when she walks is a fun surprise.
Josh and I celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary...just kidding. I don't know what date or what year we got married. Just that it was in August sometime and before I was pregnant with ZoraJane.
I've attempted to be more pro-active about making friends. A friend and I formed a Free To Be Life Learners group. Which means I get to see said friend about once a week :) Through it I met some other friends who just happen to have a daughter who clicks so wonderfully with Adeline. Its very exciting for me to observe the way they interact. They are giggly and chatty and affectionate. And they are so respectful toward each other-they don't fight that I know of and don't make the other one feel less than human. The parents click pretty darn well with me and J too. I've also tried to get past my comfort zone and attend some other group functions. Even if nothing more happens then us getting out of the house I try to consider it worth it. Adeline and I lost friends too. Not really sure what that was about and it was really unexpected-but both Adeline and I took it pretty well, actually it hasn't really even been an issue. We talked about it a couple times but it was more of a matter of fact way of saying, well they are great people and if we run into them we'll be glad but we're not going to force a friendship if its not what they want. I don't think we really went on different paths as far as our interests, personalities, or beliefs. She just dropped out of our lives: quit calling, was always busy or sick and couldn't get together. Friends come and go and sometimes come and go again-and there are very few of my past friends that I remember with a sour feeling. I feel fortunate to have met and bonded with some really amazing people-even the friendships that last a short time have had such a profound impact on my life.
I'm moving out of all-mommy mode. I've been doing things outside the realm of baby and kid. I finished Adeline's quilt-which seems like I'm doing something for her, but its also for me, for my creativity. I've been a little stressed this past year. Learning how to give give give to 2 babies without going insane is a challenge but I'm making it through. Its so important to me to have supportive family and friends. They remind me to take a breath. They uplift my spirits.
I'm reading here and there and taking an online nutrition/cooking class. Starting to develop my diet more (and the website I created about it) Haven't been super strict about eating few-grains/low-carb/no-processed foods. I allowed myself to be that way for convenience sake but now I'd like to get back to working for a healthy body. And I'm learning that a healthy body creates a healthy mind-the correlation between food and hormones is a "well duh" concept and I'm learning more about it. I read "The Mood Cure" and am experimenting with taking supplements to restore my brain chemistry-we'll see how it works. I do notice a difference in my ability to handle stress and I've only been taking supplements a couple days. I like that the author is not insisting you take supplements all the time-only as long as you need to get your hormones balanced and let the food keep it that way. The supplements are there to heal the damage created by poor nutrition and after that just eat nutritiously to maintain a healthy body and mind.
I'm also reading more about unschooling and peaceful parenting and listening/watching some of the well-known people in the movement talk about it. Its encouraging. It reminds me what my goals are for my kids and myself. I want Adeline to watch some so that she can have a better understanding of it and feel confident in it-mostly so she can explain it a little when people ask and I'm not there to help explain it. I feel bad that she has to explain it, that she can't just live it, but that's our life. I'm also looking forward to taking her to a conference. I think it'll be awesome for her to feel like she is "normal". It'll also give her some of those experiences of getting to interact with several people at a time.
Yeah, nothing too profound here. Just the tidbits of what's going on.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Community Ramblings
I don't necessarily think it takes a village to raise a child but I do think it a necessary component to a mothers sanity. I'm not sure the childless understand its importance. I'm not sure even some fathers quite get it. It may not be something some mothers recognize the need for-the ones who have it already? -or maybe a certain personality type that doesn't require it? But I need it. I crave it. I had it on a certain level as a child through my family. I didn't need it so much in my teen years. Then I tasted it when I lived in close quarters with others in college. Later I totally lacked it when I had my first child. I lacked it so much that I completely forgot myself for a while. I tried desperately to find it in unsavory places. I resented the one person who I should have loved entirely -or perhaps it was that I did love her entirely but didn't know how to show it. But it wasn't until I found community that I learned to love her proper. And through that love and through that community I learned to be a better person and a better mother and was able to have more kids.
I've devoted myself to my children willingly. It's not something all mothers do. Its not always easy but my lack of community has made it even more challenging. I say lack, but in fact I have ten times more support than I did with my first child. its not enough though. I would have loved for mothers/friends to have brought me food after my delivery. I would have graciously accepted a shower to have been thrown-as long as it was done with my personality in mind. I needed someone (during the times J. worked) to just hold them a few minutes for me to catch my wits or grab a couple winks. My oldest, now 11, could have benefited from having friends to be with or for someone to have taken the little ones so she could have me to herself.
Like I said, I had more support than I did the first time around. So the lack wasn't one hundred percent. But the question is: Is the lack my own doing? I know I've tried to form bonds. Is it because the bonds I've formed live further away and those bonds aren't strong enough to bring them to me when I need support? I've searched for it ever since my immersion into college friendships. I've found it online with my unschoolers and natural mamas. I've held onto it with a few old friends and family members. But there's a certain physicality of community that I haven't been able to capture. I need mama friend close by and not just online or once a week. J. says he thinks I didn't try hard enough to form it here in this town. I don't know if that's true. I know I'm not very good at building friendships with just anyone. It takes a special person for me to feel an instant connection-though I've rarely lacked at least one person that I feel connected to. And I've found those connections but not always in the most convenient places. No, I haven't found it in my neighborhood. Is it so bad that I want my community to have similar parenting styles? Or a similar belief system and philosophy on life?
I know I've formed bonds that somehow disintegrate. I don't know if there is any fault or one reason-they just fell apart. Maybe its me, maybe its just different paths. Maybe its actual physical distance. Relationships ebb and flow. But this can be such a non-committal society and instead of waiting it out it seems most people just end it when there is some sort of gap between the two parties. Friendships, jobs, spiritual practices, diets, gardens, and marriages all get abandoned instead of evolving into something greater. In fact its easier for people to search out reasons to be mad at a friend/partner/co-worker/child/god/etc than face their own issues and faults. Its easier to blame and reject another person than acknowledge that the problem may not be a problem at all but a projection of something we have to forgive in ourselves.
I love love love the friends I have. I love that I'm building more. I adore my physically distant friends. But it scares me too. Or maybe it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I don't know how to ask for help. I sometimes don't know my need for emotional support. Is this a pattern I've learned? Some fear or shame of my own need for a hug or a helping hand? I don't know where it originates, if it was intentional or if I'm just a victim of circumstance or poor education. of course its easier for me to see the emotional hiccups in other peoples lives and trace it back to where they began. Now I need to do a little time travel, take a step outside myself, and throw a rock at any past bad-habit-babies so these adult-bad-emotional-behaviors disappear. Its hard in my instinctual-mama phase to look deeper but i need to make an effort to keep evolving and not let myself disappear. I'm only able to do it with community. I can't do this by myself. Sometimes it helps just being in the presence of great mamas and daddys, even when I 'm a little preoccupied with babies or the basic acts of existence. One comfort I have in this crazy time is that I do at the core feel happy. Even though I feel disoriented much of the time, its not a hopeless feeling like I've felt before. In fact I feel quite confident that I am at peace even when a part of me feels a little chaotic. I think in part that's thanks to friends I have and the steps I've taken to not drift away and get lost completely inside myself.
I've devoted myself to my children willingly. It's not something all mothers do. Its not always easy but my lack of community has made it even more challenging. I say lack, but in fact I have ten times more support than I did with my first child. its not enough though. I would have loved for mothers/friends to have brought me food after my delivery. I would have graciously accepted a shower to have been thrown-as long as it was done with my personality in mind. I needed someone (during the times J. worked) to just hold them a few minutes for me to catch my wits or grab a couple winks. My oldest, now 11, could have benefited from having friends to be with or for someone to have taken the little ones so she could have me to herself.
Like I said, I had more support than I did the first time around. So the lack wasn't one hundred percent. But the question is: Is the lack my own doing? I know I've tried to form bonds. Is it because the bonds I've formed live further away and those bonds aren't strong enough to bring them to me when I need support? I've searched for it ever since my immersion into college friendships. I've found it online with my unschoolers and natural mamas. I've held onto it with a few old friends and family members. But there's a certain physicality of community that I haven't been able to capture. I need mama friend close by and not just online or once a week. J. says he thinks I didn't try hard enough to form it here in this town. I don't know if that's true. I know I'm not very good at building friendships with just anyone. It takes a special person for me to feel an instant connection-though I've rarely lacked at least one person that I feel connected to. And I've found those connections but not always in the most convenient places. No, I haven't found it in my neighborhood. Is it so bad that I want my community to have similar parenting styles? Or a similar belief system and philosophy on life?
I know I've formed bonds that somehow disintegrate. I don't know if there is any fault or one reason-they just fell apart. Maybe its me, maybe its just different paths. Maybe its actual physical distance. Relationships ebb and flow. But this can be such a non-committal society and instead of waiting it out it seems most people just end it when there is some sort of gap between the two parties. Friendships, jobs, spiritual practices, diets, gardens, and marriages all get abandoned instead of evolving into something greater. In fact its easier for people to search out reasons to be mad at a friend/partner/co-worker/child/god/etc than face their own issues and faults. Its easier to blame and reject another person than acknowledge that the problem may not be a problem at all but a projection of something we have to forgive in ourselves.
I love love love the friends I have. I love that I'm building more. I adore my physically distant friends. But it scares me too. Or maybe it makes me slightly uncomfortable. I don't know how to ask for help. I sometimes don't know my need for emotional support. Is this a pattern I've learned? Some fear or shame of my own need for a hug or a helping hand? I don't know where it originates, if it was intentional or if I'm just a victim of circumstance or poor education. of course its easier for me to see the emotional hiccups in other peoples lives and trace it back to where they began. Now I need to do a little time travel, take a step outside myself, and throw a rock at any past bad-habit-babies so these adult-bad-emotional-behaviors disappear. Its hard in my instinctual-mama phase to look deeper but i need to make an effort to keep evolving and not let myself disappear. I'm only able to do it with community. I can't do this by myself. Sometimes it helps just being in the presence of great mamas and daddys, even when I 'm a little preoccupied with babies or the basic acts of existence. One comfort I have in this crazy time is that I do at the core feel happy. Even though I feel disoriented much of the time, its not a hopeless feeling like I've felt before. In fact I feel quite confident that I am at peace even when a part of me feels a little chaotic. I think in part that's thanks to friends I have and the steps I've taken to not drift away and get lost completely inside myself.
Friday, April 30, 2010
April 2010
-Its the end of April and its snowing-hopefully it'll be done for the year after this little bought. It was a fairly mild April this year-no 4 foot snow storms-knock on wood, there's still a couple days left of the month and May nor June are completely safe from winters wrath.
-I'm venturing into the WAHM (work at home mom)arena. That acronym is redundant. A mom works. I'm venturing into the WAHMAHGPFI (work at home mom and hopefully get paid for it) arena. I'm writing (which is one of my passions) about my passions. I'm setting up some websites over at word press and go daddy that will hopefully generate some income. If not at least I'll have a creative outlet. And creative outlets are hard to come by with two little demanding little ones. At least with writing I can do it one handed and take long breaks to tend to others' needs and wants. Parenting is one of my passions and more can be read about it at Dandy Lion's Den(still under construction) There will be time for two handed and involved projects in a couple years. If I had two hands and more time the websites would be up and running by now but as of now most the content is either scribbled in notebooks or locked up in my brain.
-Still working on getting a farm. I'm just so very ready to get on with this next phase of life. I want it while the babies are still so impressionable and will soak up all that nature and life that a farm has to offer. I want it while Adeline is still young enough to grow up in it-to join 4H and have a community as a kid. Right now I feel like we don't have that. Its partly my fault. I've been working toward settling down somewhere else and have put things that would involve myself and the kids in our community on hold. Maybe that's wrong, maybe I'm just using that, and the snow, and the bad roads for my little car, and shyness as an excuse. I've actually decided to live more in the moment and find Adeline some local involvement-even if it means driving everyday. That's easy to say now the babies are a little older and the weather is getting warmer. Last summer we actually did do quite a bit even though I was pregnant and chasing a a very active toddler and the summer was more of a spring. But this spring and summer I hope to do more.
I want to travel too but I want it when the babies are old enough to remember it and old enough to not have to be carried everywhere. I want it when Adeline is old enough to really appreciate it and experience it with a more grown-up brain. I'd like to be able to experience it too without being so little kid focused. Right now my mama instincts are so centered on little babies that the world outside of them is a little hazy.
-The house is not ready to be listed YET and that needs to be done first. Then it needs to be sold, and then J needs to find a job that he'll enjoy in the place we want to be, and then we can find the perfect location to set up our homestead. Over the past few months I've slowly been working my way through packing and organizing and little projects to make the house appealing to home buyers. J's parents came one weekend and helped a TON! Painted, finished up some projects,cleaned, and hauled stuff to the units-stuff that is hard for me to do and take a break from if someone needs me. All I did was focus on the babies and keep them out of the way so that stuff could get done. Not much left to do-I should actually be doing it right now-actually no because I'm nursing a tired teething baby while writing this so this is exactly what I SHOULD be doing.
-Cracked my rib. I swear that my homemade chicken stock accelerated its healing. We're getting deeper into the low carb, high fat, whole foods lifestyle. Eating this way J's blood pressure has gone down, we've both lost a lot of weight, our skin feels smooth and hydrated, and we both have more energy. More on nutrition on my website Vintage Vittles(still under construction).
-The past couple of years we've been pretty pregnancy and baby centered. Now that the youngest has reached the independently mobile stage it feels like our world is opening up a bit more. Other interest are being pursued as a family and not just individually. Adeline and I have been connecting more again. Together we get to explore more of her interests. We also get to put some focus toward academics which, even though we're unschoolers, I find an important part of a well-rounded life. Whether you agree or not you can find more information on another of my websites I Heart Learning(still under construction).
-The natives are restless so I'm ending this post.
-I'm venturing into the WAHM (work at home mom)arena. That acronym is redundant. A mom works. I'm venturing into the WAHMAHGPFI (work at home mom and hopefully get paid for it) arena. I'm writing (which is one of my passions) about my passions. I'm setting up some websites over at word press and go daddy that will hopefully generate some income. If not at least I'll have a creative outlet. And creative outlets are hard to come by with two little demanding little ones. At least with writing I can do it one handed and take long breaks to tend to others' needs and wants. Parenting is one of my passions and more can be read about it at Dandy Lion's Den(still under construction) There will be time for two handed and involved projects in a couple years. If I had two hands and more time the websites would be up and running by now but as of now most the content is either scribbled in notebooks or locked up in my brain.
-Still working on getting a farm. I'm just so very ready to get on with this next phase of life. I want it while the babies are still so impressionable and will soak up all that nature and life that a farm has to offer. I want it while Adeline is still young enough to grow up in it-to join 4H and have a community as a kid. Right now I feel like we don't have that. Its partly my fault. I've been working toward settling down somewhere else and have put things that would involve myself and the kids in our community on hold. Maybe that's wrong, maybe I'm just using that, and the snow, and the bad roads for my little car, and shyness as an excuse. I've actually decided to live more in the moment and find Adeline some local involvement-even if it means driving everyday. That's easy to say now the babies are a little older and the weather is getting warmer. Last summer we actually did do quite a bit even though I was pregnant and chasing a a very active toddler and the summer was more of a spring. But this spring and summer I hope to do more.
I want to travel too but I want it when the babies are old enough to remember it and old enough to not have to be carried everywhere. I want it when Adeline is old enough to really appreciate it and experience it with a more grown-up brain. I'd like to be able to experience it too without being so little kid focused. Right now my mama instincts are so centered on little babies that the world outside of them is a little hazy.
-The house is not ready to be listed YET and that needs to be done first. Then it needs to be sold, and then J needs to find a job that he'll enjoy in the place we want to be, and then we can find the perfect location to set up our homestead. Over the past few months I've slowly been working my way through packing and organizing and little projects to make the house appealing to home buyers. J's parents came one weekend and helped a TON! Painted, finished up some projects,cleaned, and hauled stuff to the units-stuff that is hard for me to do and take a break from if someone needs me. All I did was focus on the babies and keep them out of the way so that stuff could get done. Not much left to do-I should actually be doing it right now-actually no because I'm nursing a tired teething baby while writing this so this is exactly what I SHOULD be doing.
-Cracked my rib. I swear that my homemade chicken stock accelerated its healing. We're getting deeper into the low carb, high fat, whole foods lifestyle. Eating this way J's blood pressure has gone down, we've both lost a lot of weight, our skin feels smooth and hydrated, and we both have more energy. More on nutrition on my website Vintage Vittles(still under construction).
-The past couple of years we've been pretty pregnancy and baby centered. Now that the youngest has reached the independently mobile stage it feels like our world is opening up a bit more. Other interest are being pursued as a family and not just individually. Adeline and I have been connecting more again. Together we get to explore more of her interests. We also get to put some focus toward academics which, even though we're unschoolers, I find an important part of a well-rounded life. Whether you agree or not you can find more information on another of my websites I Heart Learning(still under construction).
-The natives are restless so I'm ending this post.
Wednesday, February 03, 2010
Tuesday, February 02, 2010
And now-for something completely different...
Well not entirely different. Its our own twist on a lifestyle that we both grew up in.
J grew up on a farm. He's driven tractors, raised pigs and sheep and shown them at fairs. He placed 2nd in the state for milk tasting in FFA (think Napolean Dynamite). He rode bikes and played in the shelter belt on old machinery and cars. He played with and fought with his brothers and cousins and helped take care of his little sister. His fascination with barns stems from the good times he had playing in them as a kid. When he got older he collected lots of stuff from the auctions he attended. He was often left to his own devices and explored his outdoor world.
I spent summers and holidays on my grams farm. In the house I helped my gram cook and bake and can and sew. I had little chores like setting the table for me, my grandma, grandpa, and great uncle Clinton. I also strangely remember waxing the wood floors with her. My gram was my first experience with unschooling. She let me and my cousins freely create things with food, sewing supplies, and paint. My cousins and I set up offices, forts, and restaurants in the basements. Outside we jumped from haystack to haystack, played all day in the trees, swam or fished in stock dams, went sledding and ice skating, rode on the back of motor bikes, played Dukes of Hazard on bikes, or just had relaxing picnics or went for walks to the mailbox. In the mornings I gardened with my gram, during the afternoon we'd play, at night we'd all lie under the stars and watch for satellites and find constellations.
We both have ties to the land. We want our girls to have that too. We rarely get outside unless there is a drive first involved. I want to step outside my door and hear morning doves and crickets, see the wide open land instead of neighbors, and smell air not tinged with asphalt and a exhaust fumes. We need some space to spread out and explore our hobbies-gardening, sewing, canning, raising livestock, re-purposing and building furniture, and whatever else we discover. We need the space to support our eating style-whole foods, fresh veggies and humanely raised/and butchered meat.
Here or there? We explored our options, attended open houses, talked to realtors. Our guts say over there in the SE corner of SD. But logic plays a part too- The soil is better, the growing season is longer, and there are more farms for sale at reasonable prices. We also want the accessibility to the many varieties of towns and bigger cities within a short driving distance. The music shows and theater, museums and zoos, parks and festivals, shopping and libraries, homeschool field trips and play dates.
We'll still get back to the Black Hills. There are things I need to keep in my life...the summer weather in the hills, the roar of motorcycles, the smell of pine, the Barry family gatherings. And lets not forget my West River unschooly friends who refresh my soul with their peaceful parenting and fabulous outlooks on life.
But now its a farmers life for us. We're going to run wild and free and begin a new adventure with our kids.
J grew up on a farm. He's driven tractors, raised pigs and sheep and shown them at fairs. He placed 2nd in the state for milk tasting in FFA (think Napolean Dynamite). He rode bikes and played in the shelter belt on old machinery and cars. He played with and fought with his brothers and cousins and helped take care of his little sister. His fascination with barns stems from the good times he had playing in them as a kid. When he got older he collected lots of stuff from the auctions he attended. He was often left to his own devices and explored his outdoor world.
I spent summers and holidays on my grams farm. In the house I helped my gram cook and bake and can and sew. I had little chores like setting the table for me, my grandma, grandpa, and great uncle Clinton. I also strangely remember waxing the wood floors with her. My gram was my first experience with unschooling. She let me and my cousins freely create things with food, sewing supplies, and paint. My cousins and I set up offices, forts, and restaurants in the basements. Outside we jumped from haystack to haystack, played all day in the trees, swam or fished in stock dams, went sledding and ice skating, rode on the back of motor bikes, played Dukes of Hazard on bikes, or just had relaxing picnics or went for walks to the mailbox. In the mornings I gardened with my gram, during the afternoon we'd play, at night we'd all lie under the stars and watch for satellites and find constellations.
We both have ties to the land. We want our girls to have that too. We rarely get outside unless there is a drive first involved. I want to step outside my door and hear morning doves and crickets, see the wide open land instead of neighbors, and smell air not tinged with asphalt and a exhaust fumes. We need some space to spread out and explore our hobbies-gardening, sewing, canning, raising livestock, re-purposing and building furniture, and whatever else we discover. We need the space to support our eating style-whole foods, fresh veggies and humanely raised/and butchered meat.
Here or there? We explored our options, attended open houses, talked to realtors. Our guts say over there in the SE corner of SD. But logic plays a part too- The soil is better, the growing season is longer, and there are more farms for sale at reasonable prices. We also want the accessibility to the many varieties of towns and bigger cities within a short driving distance. The music shows and theater, museums and zoos, parks and festivals, shopping and libraries, homeschool field trips and play dates.
We'll still get back to the Black Hills. There are things I need to keep in my life...the summer weather in the hills, the roar of motorcycles, the smell of pine, the Barry family gatherings. And lets not forget my West River unschooly friends who refresh my soul with their peaceful parenting and fabulous outlooks on life.
But now its a farmers life for us. We're going to run wild and free and begin a new adventure with our kids.
Friday, January 08, 2010
Unschooling from an Unschoolers perspective
This is my explanation of unschooling based on my years of experience which includes book/website research. More importantly it is based on my experience with our own journey and our exposure to other unschoolers. We have many friends we interact with both in person and through our various online support groups. Most of our friends are homeschoolers but not all are unschoolers. In my opinion this portrayal is much more valuable and accurate than a few hours spent reading a few books and scouring a few websites that are against the practice. I too read things against unschooling when I was first researching the methods of homeschooling. I can see now after having experience with it that those authors had a very narrow view of what unschooling is really about. I'm secure enough in our lifestyle that I don't feel the need to defend it however I'll gladly discuss what it is and why we do it with someone who genuinely wants to know.
To understand unschooling you first have to get rid of many preconceived notions of learning. School is not the best environment for everyone to learn, get socialized, participate in sports, or the platform to a higher education.
This is what unschooling isn't:
Its not bad parenting or lack of parenting. On the contrary it requires more parenting. Unschooling (any homeschooling)parent is with their child more. On a whole we know our kids better because of that. We're able to work around their natural sleep/play/rest/eating cycles instead of adhering to a mass school schedule. When allowed to follow their own rhythms they are more alert and focused and more emotionally stable. Its not a lack of discipline either. Its true we let our kids be more wild-or as we prefer to call it, more like kids. We give them more freedom to make mistakes, explore their world, deal with conflict, test their own physical limits, and work through their emotions. We do so with guidance but not all knowing and commanding power-because frankly parents don't know it all and actually watching a child figure out her world can be a learning experience for us as well. Instead of sticking to a strict set of black and white rules, we as unscooling parents, are able to work with each child individually based on their set of circumstances, ages, and limitations. Because we spend so much time with them we know what they can handle as far as knowledge of "taboo" subjects. We can be honest and open with them and explain things in ways we know they'll understand. We can witness closely what information they are processing and what needs further explanation.
Unschooling is not anti-education. In fact its very pro-education. We're not just teaching our kids a set of facts that they have to memorize for a test and then quickly forget when they're presented with a new set of facts they have to memorize. Because we allow our kids to learn what is interesting to them they naturally enjoy and retain the information they're learning. Some like myself depend loosely on a curriculum and games to learn the basics in math and reading. Once a person knows how to read, the whole world is open to her. Adeline has been absorbing written information (some of it stays, some is replaced) since she was about 5. We've always filled our shelves with books she finds interesting as well as some she might later find interesting-they are always available to her. When she wants to take an interest further than books we're able to enroll her in a class, learn about it ourselves and teach her, or direct her to online tutorials or learning DVDs.
We're not anti school or anti teachers either. I have a lot of respect for people who go into teaching because they actually love kids and want to teach, wether its in the school system or homeschool-that's not always the case and one bad teacher can really create a lot of issues for a child. I understand that not everyone wants to teach, likes constantly being around their kids, or is qualified to teach their kids. For people who don't genuinely like their kids better birth control is needed. For those who absolutely can't find the time to spend with their kids or becoming learned themselves, school is the best option for them. But just because a teacher can be great, the school system is not so great for the majority-especially with the no-child-left behind-or as some teachers like to call it, no-child-can excel. For teachers who want to teach, the school system can be a real drain because they are forced to teach the standardized tests-with the primary subjects being math and english. This is mostly memorization and facts. Its not fostering a love of learning. Plus they are learning so many subjects at once that the information is barely retained.
Socialization.
Whoever thinks that socialization is absent from a homeschoolers life has obviously only met the homeschoolers who've been kept from the "evils" of the outside world (usually for religious reasons). School is not the ideal place to learn socialization. Frankly, putting a child into an environment where socialization is with a bunch of other kids who have limited experience, knowledge, and logic is, I believe, a poor way to teach them socialization. Kids who spend most their time with other kids don't get to see normal healthy adult interaction. On top of forced socialization with peers who have no better understanding of interacting, what they get is the manipulations of older kids and exposure to overworked and impersonal attitudes of teachers and playground attendants. Some people never overcome that mindset and keep those laws of the jungle throughout their adulthood and into their careers. However I know from personal experience, as well as a childhood that was at times a little unschooly, that my adult life doesn't have to be full of cliques, drama, self-centeredness, and the eat or be eaten mentality. I had a great mom who included me in her life, her errands, her work, and friendships. With both friend time and extended family time the kids in my family were always allowed around the adults-we got to be a part of the conversation and witness how people interacted. As homeschoolers my kids get that too. I've always included Adeline and talked to her openly and honestly. I try to include her in conversations-especially when the other adults in the room ignore her. Like myself, she is often a quiet observer and a little shy. But once she gets to know someone and they take an interest in what she has to say, Adeline is quite a conversationalist. And even if she doesn't end up talking directly to a person, she'll often ask me or Josh what we meant or they meant when they said such-and-such. So even if she doesn't participate she does learn.
Parental Requirements to be an Unschooler:
*We need to actually enjoy being with our kids. We spend the majority of our time with our kids and we have to know how to get along. Its as simple as that.
*We need to have patience and respect each others differences. We all have different personalities and sometimes the kid with the personality that's most like ours can be hardest to get along with-only because we end up seeing something in them that we don't like in ourselves and take it out on them instead of bettering ourselves. But we have to respect that we're at different stages of learning, logic, spirituality, etc. Since we do spend so much time together we all (even the parents) have to learn that each person is on a different path but that we all have to coexist. Just because we've already learned a lesson doesn't mean another person is going to get it right away-especially when that person is still young.
*We need to free ourselves from expectations. We live our lives expecting it to go a certain way. But another person sees their life going an another way. Just because it a societal norm or religious tradition doesn't make any one lifestyle the one and only absolute right way. Children need to be allowed to make their own path and they need to be shown there are many different paths. I see a successful person as someone who is happy with themselves-the rest follows. My kids don't have to marry any one type of person or get married at all, they don't have to go into a career that makes them rich, they don't have to follow the same spiritual traditions that I do. As long as my kids are happy with themselves and the choices they make, then I'm going to be happy with them.
*We need to be okay with messes. People are curious by nature and that leads to lots of messy experiments. Not just kits and science projects. They like to know what happens when they take everything out of a box, the texture of pudding squishing between their fingers, the array of colors all dumped onto a table. I let them make messes and help them clean their messes up. If Adeline wants to sleep and play in a messy room than that is her choice because its her space-she can't bring it all into the shared spaces unless she cleans it up when she's done. And if she wants help cleaning, I make the time because I see it as time I get to spend chatting with her and showing her how to be organized.
*We need to love learning and be able to educate ourselves-thereby setting a good example. Both Josh and I read, scour the internet, watch learning videos. take classes, etc. And we provide the same opportunities for our kids to do the same.
*We need to be okay with failure. Failure is often really just success at figuring out how not to do something. I'm good at learning what doesn't work for me by trying many different ways of doing them. I want my kids to have the freedom to try what they think works for them. That includes trying a hobby that they think they're interested in only to discover its not all that enjoyable. Adeline has tried fencing, dance, soccer, and a variety of home crafts. She has a basic understanding of each and continues with the ones she enjoys. She's quite others before its scheduled end and she's never gone back to others when the new season starts. She can always return to them later in life or never again give them a thought-the point is she tried and figured out for herself what she wants to do with her time.
What they are learning:
subjects
If I had to break down her learning into subjects that a schooled person could understand they would be:
-consumer math, computer science, language arts, history, science, physical education, music, art, home economics, shop- But these subjects aren't limited to a specified time of day. Also these subjects bleed easily into one another. While she's reading a warrior cat book she's also learning a little about cat behavior and the lifecycle of a cat (science and math). It should go without saying that anytime she reads anything she's learning language arts. She saves money, she spends money, she's figuring out the seasons and weather cylces, she cooks, she draws, she makes art on her computer. She walks, she swims, she runs and plays. And this is only the beginning. She has the potential to learn her entire life without limiting herself to one subject. She can get into college or a trade school or do an internship. My kids (as well as myself and J) have the world and we're going to take full advantage of it.
To understand unschooling you first have to get rid of many preconceived notions of learning. School is not the best environment for everyone to learn, get socialized, participate in sports, or the platform to a higher education.
This is what unschooling isn't:
Its not bad parenting or lack of parenting. On the contrary it requires more parenting. Unschooling (any homeschooling)parent is with their child more. On a whole we know our kids better because of that. We're able to work around their natural sleep/play/rest/eating cycles instead of adhering to a mass school schedule. When allowed to follow their own rhythms they are more alert and focused and more emotionally stable. Its not a lack of discipline either. Its true we let our kids be more wild-or as we prefer to call it, more like kids. We give them more freedom to make mistakes, explore their world, deal with conflict, test their own physical limits, and work through their emotions. We do so with guidance but not all knowing and commanding power-because frankly parents don't know it all and actually watching a child figure out her world can be a learning experience for us as well. Instead of sticking to a strict set of black and white rules, we as unscooling parents, are able to work with each child individually based on their set of circumstances, ages, and limitations. Because we spend so much time with them we know what they can handle as far as knowledge of "taboo" subjects. We can be honest and open with them and explain things in ways we know they'll understand. We can witness closely what information they are processing and what needs further explanation.
Unschooling is not anti-education. In fact its very pro-education. We're not just teaching our kids a set of facts that they have to memorize for a test and then quickly forget when they're presented with a new set of facts they have to memorize. Because we allow our kids to learn what is interesting to them they naturally enjoy and retain the information they're learning. Some like myself depend loosely on a curriculum and games to learn the basics in math and reading. Once a person knows how to read, the whole world is open to her. Adeline has been absorbing written information (some of it stays, some is replaced) since she was about 5. We've always filled our shelves with books she finds interesting as well as some she might later find interesting-they are always available to her. When she wants to take an interest further than books we're able to enroll her in a class, learn about it ourselves and teach her, or direct her to online tutorials or learning DVDs.
We're not anti school or anti teachers either. I have a lot of respect for people who go into teaching because they actually love kids and want to teach, wether its in the school system or homeschool-that's not always the case and one bad teacher can really create a lot of issues for a child. I understand that not everyone wants to teach, likes constantly being around their kids, or is qualified to teach their kids. For people who don't genuinely like their kids better birth control is needed. For those who absolutely can't find the time to spend with their kids or becoming learned themselves, school is the best option for them. But just because a teacher can be great, the school system is not so great for the majority-especially with the no-child-left behind-or as some teachers like to call it, no-child-can excel. For teachers who want to teach, the school system can be a real drain because they are forced to teach the standardized tests-with the primary subjects being math and english. This is mostly memorization and facts. Its not fostering a love of learning. Plus they are learning so many subjects at once that the information is barely retained.
Socialization.
Whoever thinks that socialization is absent from a homeschoolers life has obviously only met the homeschoolers who've been kept from the "evils" of the outside world (usually for religious reasons). School is not the ideal place to learn socialization. Frankly, putting a child into an environment where socialization is with a bunch of other kids who have limited experience, knowledge, and logic is, I believe, a poor way to teach them socialization. Kids who spend most their time with other kids don't get to see normal healthy adult interaction. On top of forced socialization with peers who have no better understanding of interacting, what they get is the manipulations of older kids and exposure to overworked and impersonal attitudes of teachers and playground attendants. Some people never overcome that mindset and keep those laws of the jungle throughout their adulthood and into their careers. However I know from personal experience, as well as a childhood that was at times a little unschooly, that my adult life doesn't have to be full of cliques, drama, self-centeredness, and the eat or be eaten mentality. I had a great mom who included me in her life, her errands, her work, and friendships. With both friend time and extended family time the kids in my family were always allowed around the adults-we got to be a part of the conversation and witness how people interacted. As homeschoolers my kids get that too. I've always included Adeline and talked to her openly and honestly. I try to include her in conversations-especially when the other adults in the room ignore her. Like myself, she is often a quiet observer and a little shy. But once she gets to know someone and they take an interest in what she has to say, Adeline is quite a conversationalist. And even if she doesn't end up talking directly to a person, she'll often ask me or Josh what we meant or they meant when they said such-and-such. So even if she doesn't participate she does learn.
Parental Requirements to be an Unschooler:
*We need to actually enjoy being with our kids. We spend the majority of our time with our kids and we have to know how to get along. Its as simple as that.
*We need to have patience and respect each others differences. We all have different personalities and sometimes the kid with the personality that's most like ours can be hardest to get along with-only because we end up seeing something in them that we don't like in ourselves and take it out on them instead of bettering ourselves. But we have to respect that we're at different stages of learning, logic, spirituality, etc. Since we do spend so much time together we all (even the parents) have to learn that each person is on a different path but that we all have to coexist. Just because we've already learned a lesson doesn't mean another person is going to get it right away-especially when that person is still young.
*We need to free ourselves from expectations. We live our lives expecting it to go a certain way. But another person sees their life going an another way. Just because it a societal norm or religious tradition doesn't make any one lifestyle the one and only absolute right way. Children need to be allowed to make their own path and they need to be shown there are many different paths. I see a successful person as someone who is happy with themselves-the rest follows. My kids don't have to marry any one type of person or get married at all, they don't have to go into a career that makes them rich, they don't have to follow the same spiritual traditions that I do. As long as my kids are happy with themselves and the choices they make, then I'm going to be happy with them.
*We need to be okay with messes. People are curious by nature and that leads to lots of messy experiments. Not just kits and science projects. They like to know what happens when they take everything out of a box, the texture of pudding squishing between their fingers, the array of colors all dumped onto a table. I let them make messes and help them clean their messes up. If Adeline wants to sleep and play in a messy room than that is her choice because its her space-she can't bring it all into the shared spaces unless she cleans it up when she's done. And if she wants help cleaning, I make the time because I see it as time I get to spend chatting with her and showing her how to be organized.
*We need to love learning and be able to educate ourselves-thereby setting a good example. Both Josh and I read, scour the internet, watch learning videos. take classes, etc. And we provide the same opportunities for our kids to do the same.
*We need to be okay with failure. Failure is often really just success at figuring out how not to do something. I'm good at learning what doesn't work for me by trying many different ways of doing them. I want my kids to have the freedom to try what they think works for them. That includes trying a hobby that they think they're interested in only to discover its not all that enjoyable. Adeline has tried fencing, dance, soccer, and a variety of home crafts. She has a basic understanding of each and continues with the ones she enjoys. She's quite others before its scheduled end and she's never gone back to others when the new season starts. She can always return to them later in life or never again give them a thought-the point is she tried and figured out for herself what she wants to do with her time.
What they are learning:
subjects
If I had to break down her learning into subjects that a schooled person could understand they would be:
-consumer math, computer science, language arts, history, science, physical education, music, art, home economics, shop- But these subjects aren't limited to a specified time of day. Also these subjects bleed easily into one another. While she's reading a warrior cat book she's also learning a little about cat behavior and the lifecycle of a cat (science and math). It should go without saying that anytime she reads anything she's learning language arts. She saves money, she spends money, she's figuring out the seasons and weather cylces, she cooks, she draws, she makes art on her computer. She walks, she swims, she runs and plays. And this is only the beginning. She has the potential to learn her entire life without limiting herself to one subject. She can get into college or a trade school or do an internship. My kids (as well as myself and J) have the world and we're going to take full advantage of it.
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