One with God

If you read my blog entry "Just J, Just Me, Just joy" you know I'm not looking to anyone outside myself for the answers (or questions). As I said its just me communicating with the God that is a part of me. So what am I doing reading a Byron Katie book? or for that matter what am I doing still perusing the Lola Jones website? or popping in an audio cd of an Abraham/Hicks lectures? These are things that would be considered, in marketing circles, as "self help". But I'm not looking for help with my self from outside sources. The answers are all inside but that doesn't mean the actual words can't come from other voices.
A friend kept posting quotes on her Facebook status from a book called "A Thousand Names for Joy" by Byron Katie. They so resonated with the thoughts that were already strong in my mind. Some of the terminology was even the same. I felt in alignment with the quotes. Its not that they were teaching me something new so much as reminding me of what I already knew.
Christians believe the only inspired and true word of God is the Bible. I say bull honkey. If God is alive and still in existence than its only logical that God still be inspiring people to write what is True. The only difference from the writings (and the spoken words) of now and the Bible is the differences in our human understanding of linear time. The authors from long ago and far away put it into perspective as they understood it. Their mental filters created a book more relevant to that time and that authors personal experience. The people who say the Bible is the only True word have to interpret those writings in relevance to now. To do that they have to have an understanding of the history, the culture, the people of that time. Its a whole field that most christians don't bother to familiarize themselves with. They depend on their pastors interpretations who is himself using his own filters to understand and interpret the so called true word. And its the same throughout history-whith whatever writing-historical, inspirational, philosophical etc.
When I read those quotes by Byron Katie, or listen to the Abraham/Hicks cds, or read/hear the words and watch the videos of Lola Jones, I feel in alignment with what I already know. I don't see those people as gurus. I don't praise their words. I don't feel awed by their masterful teachings. I simply see them as messengers of what God wants to say to me-on a personally.
And its not only the people and their words. I drove by a green hill the other day and was almost brought to tears by its beauty. When I play with my kids sometimes I feel so overwhelmed with LOVE. When my reactions to imperfect situations are ones of joy I feel perfect. When I feel totally fearless and completely myself around people who normally make me feel uncomfortable(mostly family and strangers) I am empowered. When I resist the urge-or better yet the urge isn't even there-to defend myself or my beliefs, then I am at peace. I am one with God.

This is no Bun-in-the-oven!

Where did the expression "bun in the oven" ever come from. Obviously from someone who's never been pregnant. Have I blogged about this before? I know I've ranted about it before. Especially at this stage when the belly is so full of baby that all my insides feel squished and my outside feels stretched and there's a general feeling of heaviness. A bun implies that its an entity completely of its own and the so called oven is spacious. But this is a human that is being formed from my very own blood, breath, and nutrients. And its a tight fit to get a 8 or so pound human, a placenta, and amniotic fluid into this already crowded 5'1" body.
Those pregnancy weight suites that people wear to know what its like to be pregnant only touches on a tiniest bit of the experience. Sure weight is added in a very short period which can be hard on the back and joints. But the real torture is deeper. In the first months there are the hormones-which fortunately my last two haven't been so bad-but for some people and for my first made me feel like I was going crazy-like I wasn't me anymore and in a way I wasn't. Then the weeks and weeks ofconstant nausea mixed with ravenous hunger and out of nowhere exhaustion is not a good combination-especially when having to deal with, you know, life. During the second trimester finding clothes that accentuate the fact your pregnant and not just eating too much cake can be a little frustrating-more so if you already have a little pot belly. A not so bad side affect during the 2nd trimester is the increased libido-unless your partner is usually gone the times of day that kicks in. I'm onto my 3rd trimester and remembering why I didn't want to be pregnant this early in Zi's life. I am limited in mobility. I can't chase after or carry Zi without aches or getting winded. Bending over is painful and knocks my breath away-and toddlers are very good at dropping things on the floor. Night time is the worse. After a full day of activity it'd be great to lie down and rest the aching body and do a little deep breathing. But there's no longer room enough in my body cavity to get deep expansive breaths-not to mention the heartburn, sinus and respratory issues, a baby jabbing some limb into some nerve, and a general feeling of internal claustaphobia.
So why do I do it? Well, wether you want to call it a science experiment, a cosmic symphony, or a miracle, a being that is forming from my breath, blood, and nutrients is an amazing experience. I'm reminded every day, by the children I have, of the enrichment a child can bring to my world. Although there are aches and pains, I feel nothing but beautiful when a friend expresses appreciation for my big round belly. I like the look of my body pregnant. When a baby moves inside my body it makes me giggle. Despite the seemingly long hours it takes to drift to a comfortable sleep, I usually awake into a new day with an energetic body that is ready to take on that day. I am blessed to have a kid and a partner who understand what my body is doing and can forgive the inconveniences of having to help me more. I am thankful for the friends who've been there done that and can appreciate both the beauty and the beast of pregnancy. I'm excited to experience the divine high of childbirth. I'm looking forward to being a part of this new humans life experience. I love the love of children and am so honored to have them in my life.

tid bits

My belly is HUGE!

My baby is busier than ever-always wanting to go walking outside-which can get kinda tiresome since I refuse to scale any big hills and I'm surrounded on all sides by hills. We've been trying to get to parks as often as possible though so she can run free.

My oldest baby is on her way home and will probably be here by the time I actually post this. I'm so looking forward to cuddling her again.
*yep, she's home and I have yet to publish this post (and another one). Great having her here! She's such a lovely lady but still a kid too-lots of kids would be a little awkward at this stage but I believe not being in school is helping her adjust far better. She's not a weird homeschooler-she is just free to be who she is without judgment, without having to impress some clique or a variety of teachers, or even her parents. She's free to like and do what she's drawn to and make friends through her interests-not feign interests to make friends.

We've been steadily working on the house to get it ready to list. I'm not getting as much done as I thought I could-mostly do to the huge belly and busy baby.

Hung out a little with some Houchin family. J finally got to see what an actual alcoholic is. Now he knows why I think half the people who call themselves alcoholics are just stupid. Other than that it was nice to see the aunts again.

The first cousins on the Barry side keep popping out kids-myself included.

I've been waking around 4am again. Must be a 1st and 3rd trimester thing. What do I do in those wee hours? Well, I lie in bed and compose blogs, fb statuses, journal entries and lists-most of which don't make it outside my head. I wander around the house in the stillness and dark. I sometimes try to meditate if I can breathe-another lovely little pregnancy thing where my lungs get wheezy and my sinuses closed.

I wish everyone would leave John and Kate alone. Seriously, I don't like the show that much and think they're not so great parents. But I've seen far worse parents every time I go shopping or to the park...and most those parents don't have the stress of having several kids of the same age and cameras constantly on them.

Still planning on bussing somewhere warmer in the winter. Summer in the Hills makes us wonder why we'd ever want to leave-this is the best time of year here-and its the best time of year to be pregnant. I can be so active and be around friends. It'd be even better if I was in RC and could be around friends more and only a few minutes away from great parks, pools, shopping. But at least its better than being stuck in the house in the several months of winter -oh yeah, that's why we're leaving here for the winter:)

I've eaten my way through a 3rd batch of Rice Krispie Treats and I'm still craving more-though my wrists get tired and hurt when making them.

Ordered a few things off Amazon. "A Thousand Names for Joy" by Byron Katie, classical baby dvds, a couple sewing books-both of which could also help Adeline learn to sew, and an Anne Rice erotic novel.

Zi is really really into climbing lately. She's also been bonking and crashing more frequently.

I told my midwife that IF I'm still living here, and IF my water breaks before I know I'm in labor (like it did with Zi), and IF the contraction come quick and hard after that (like they did with Zi), then I'm having this baby at home.

I've been having mini anxiety attacks lately. Though it might partly be due to just not being able to breathe as well with a growing belly. Plus I always get a little anxious when J is hours away.


We've been having lots of thunderstorms-odd for July-its even still green everywhere.

Today is lake day. I'm ready to be on the beach with a big ol preggy belly.